Satisfaction guaranteed

Ok, I went to the Dollar Store yesterday and found a box of Mike and Ike Cherry Cola flavored candy in the bargain basket for fifty cents, I mean Mike and Ike Cherry Cola ... WOW!!!
But of course they were hard as a rock since they were in the bargain basket, of course I ate them anyway.



Then today I called the 1-800 customer service number on the back of the box and told the customer service lady about the hard as a rock Mike and Ike Cherry Cola candy that I had bought yesterday, but I left out the part about finding them in the bargain bin at the Dollar Store.
She said she wasn't surprised that they were hard as a rock because they don't make the Cherry Cola flavored candy anymore.
Then she threw a curve ball at me.
She asked me where I bought them.
I panicked for a second, then I lied, and told them I bought them at a convenience store/gas station in Oscoda, thinking that was vague enough to throw her off the trail.
She wanted to know if that was the only box, or were there more than one, because ...
WE MUST GET THAT CANDY OFF THE SHELVES!!!
Hehehehe, ahhhhhhhhhh, I'm not sure, yeah, I don't know, maybe.
She then asked me the name of the store .
THE NAME OF THE STORE ... Ummm, I don't know the name of the store, it's you know, just a locally owned place, but I do know the name of the gas station, I was sweating now.
Ok, what's the name of the gas station.
Ummmm, think boz think, ahhhh it's the Speedway, yeah, the Speedway, that's a pretty generic gas station name, right.
Where's it located?
Damn you woman, stop with the third degree, Uhhh, it's in Oscoda Michigan.
Where is it located at in Oscoda?
Now, I'm starting to get dizzy, it's, it's, it's on the main highway, I don't know the address or anything.

Ok, I'm expecting the rubber hoses now, but that was it, she was finished, she thanked me for my concern, and she asked me for my name and address, and told me that they would be sending me a fresh variety package of their other brands of candy ...
BUT NOT THE MIKE AND IKE CHERRY COLA FLAVORED BECAUSE WE DON'T MAKE THEM ANYMORE
And that I should be receiving them in a week or two.
Unless, of course, we find out you were lying to us ...
Ok, she didn't say that part about lying, but if she had I probably would have passed out, or something.

Tuesday night is Janus night on TCM

Ok, I'm going to try to watch Cocteau's 1950 film Orphée on TCM in a few minutes. Wish me luck


María Casares's Princess of death strikes a pose in Orphée.

Does the person I think María Casare looks like thinks she looks like María Casare?
I mean I think it's spooky how much I think the person who looks like María Casare looks like María Casare.

Picture Six

The little man in the boat

Have you ever noticed that if you squint just right how much a mouse resembles a woman's vagina? Then again maybe it's just me.



Also, do you find it odd that I felt the need to refer to it as a woman's vagina and not just a vagina?

Stop ... don't stop

I am depressed because ...
1. I saw my reflection in a store window and I looked a little too much like Colonel Sanders.
2. After two and a half years I tried to install my Scrabble CD-ROM that worked on Windows 98 but doesn't work on Windows XP and since I am now running Windows XP it doesn't work on my computer and it only took me two and a half years to figure it out, and to add insult to injury the empty Scrabble CD-ROM fell behind my computer desk where it will be left to bond with the dust bunnies and candy bar wrappers until I have a really good reason to clean behind my computer desk.
3. Osama Bin Laden will never pay back the fifty bucks I loaned him that one time we took a bus together to Atlantic City for a weekend of babes and baccarat.
4. I want to do things that seriously aren't a good idea to want to do.
5. Every time I change a light bulb another light bulb burns out later that same day.
6. I've been sitting here for ten minutes and I still haven't come up with a number #6.
7. I shouldn't be depressed because it took me ten minutes to come up with a #6 because that should mean that I'm not as depressed as I think I am, right!
8. My novel with the first line "They sat and stared at each other across the kitchen table" is the only line that I have.
9. I've forgotten what it is like to have someone else's tongue in my mouth.
10. When I finish with #10 this post will be complete and I will have nothing else to do for the rest of the day.

Potato Chip Sandos

My recipe for Potato Chip Sandos originally posted on Cooking for Losers in February 2003.

Can I exhale yet?

A serious case of moobs.



Accent on the oo's.

Get on with it already

I'm going to make spaghetti today.
I've never made spaghetti before.
I'm not even sure how to spell spaghetti, but I guess that's what spellcheck is for.
The reason I am going to make spaghetti is because last night at a little after two am I channel surfed onto a movie on Turner Classic titled A Woman Under the Influence starring Peter Falk and Gena Rowlands, and I'm thinking that the movie must have been directed by John Cassavetes because Peter Falk was his best friend, and Gena Rowlands was his wife, and at that time of night, or morning, TCM usually shows some kind of indie off the wall cult classic, which is the kind of movie that Cassavetes was known for, if he was known for anything, anyway, the scene I surfed in on was when Falk brings a bunch of his working class buddies home and Rowlands, who plays Falk's wife, happily whips up a bunch of spaghetti to feed the starving masses, and watching the starving masses eat spaghetti made me think to myself that ...
Hey, I haven't had spaghetti for a long time, and it sure looks/sounds good
And since I don't feel like going out for a spaghetti dinner,
And because it would be a hell of alot easier for me to make it than for MB to make,
not that she couldn't make it, it would just be a hell of alot easier for me to make.
So, I decided to make it my ownself.

This morning I got up and checked to see if we had any spaghetti making materials skulking around the house, but there wasn't.
There wasn't, except for a jar of Ragu that I found way in the back of the fridge, that hadn't been opened, but I'm sure had been in the back of the fridge since before Clinton hadn't had sex with that woman ...
So, I just decided to go to the supermarket and start from scratch.

The list I wrote in my head included french bread, ground round, spaghetti sauce, spaghetti, and maybe a bottle of daygo red wine.

Ok, I got to the store and the first item I found in the bakery was french bread with crusty crust for a $1.79, which I thought was a little expensive, but it did have crusty crust so I guess you have to pay for the extras.
Then I hit the butcher counter and got a half pound of ground round which also came to a $1.79, and maybe I should play that number in the three digit daily game, but probably I won't, and yeah, I thought I'd get ground round because since I already paid $1.79 for the bread, the french bread with crusty crust, I figured I'd go all out.
My next stop was the spaghetti sauce/pasta aisle where I totally intended to get the most expensive sauce they had, which I think was the Paul Newman for like three bucks a jar, and yeah, I could have made the sauce from scratch, but why bother, I mean it's not like a have an educated palate, and if it's good enough for Joanne Woodward then it's good enough for me, but wait ... Hunt's spaghetti sauce is on sale for a buck a can, a buck a can, a buck a can, and this is where my mind kicks into Boz Loves a Bargain mode, and hey, I can't fight it, a buck a can people, a buck a can, it was a fait accompli, and yeah, I even bought two cans in case I ever want to make spaghetti again.
The pasta was right next to the sauce, and ... and ... and ... Muellers thin spaghetti in the two pound box was also on sale for a buck, it seems it was bargains for a buck week, so Muellers it was.

Now, I'm not a drinker, but you know every once in a while ... and daygo red does go good with spaghetti, so I thought I'd check out the wine section, but damn, wine, even the wine without a cork, is so freakin' expensive I decided to get a bottle of Diet Cherry 7-up instead, which looks a lot like daygo red when you drink it from a glass, or a paper bag ...

I guess that's it.
I guess I'm going to start preparing it.
I wish I had a chef's hat, and about six helpers to do all the work while I supervised like on all the cooking shows, but I don't, so ...
Here goes nothing.

Seriously, all the gear kids are wearing them

I should seriously be in bed trying to fall asleep, but hey ...
I'm listening to the Dave Clark Five, I mean the Dave Clark Freakin' Five, so what can I freakin' do?



FYI: Dave Clark is the one touching his the organ and giving the look of love to the bass player.

Just call me Half A Cup

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I know it's Autumn, but I'm still feeling all Summery

So, I rented a bunch of movies yesterday, six of them in all, from the Fitty Cent Aisle, and by the way Fitty said for me to give a big [insert urban slang word for hello here] ... ah, never mind.

Anyway, I rented six movies yesterday and I think I can remember the titles for five of them, three of which I've watched, one of which I tried to watch but was unwatchable, and two which I haven't watched ... yet.

Bubble - Is about a fat red headed woman who is in love with a much younger not too bright guy that works at the doll making factory with her, and the not too bright guy isn't really aware that the older fat red headed woman is jonesing for him, and then everything is thrown into a tumult when a much younger semi-attractive woman is hired at the doll factory, and I imagine you can guess where all of this is headed.

Noise - A movie about a woman who is slowly descending into madness because she can't sleep due to all the noise that her upstairs neighbor, a woman who has already descended into madness, makes at night. The upstairs neighbor is played by Ally Sheedy, who my god, used to be kind of hot in a strange twisted bizarre way, but is now only strange twisted and bizarre, and I swear to god ... she must have the biggest teeth in the world!!!

Insomnia - Takes place in Alaska and is about cops, and murder, and another murder, which may not actually be a murder, and it stars Al Pacino, Robin Williams, and Hilary Swank who for a change doesn't play a lesbian ... or does she???

8MM II - Which I thought might be a sequel to 8MM, but actually wasn't, it was actually more of a soft core porn rip-off with a bunch of silicone breasted ... and that's about as far as I got before I turned it off.

Fahrenheit 9/11 - Yeah, I hate when someone I can't stand believes in some of the same things I believe in, but I'm going to treat it like a black comedy, you know, sort of like Dr. Strangelove only with Michael Moore taking the place of Peter Sellers.

The last movie which I can't remember the title of - I think it's about poor white people, and trailer parks, and unwed mothers, and fathers in prison, but that's just a guess, and I think it stars that one young actress who always plays the poor white girl, who lives in a trailer park, and is an unwed mother, and her father is in prison, yeah, that's the one ... Jena Malone, and I think I'll watch that one now.

I don't know, what do YOU think?

Seriously, I don't know what I am doing up right now.
I am in seriously serious pain.
My neck hurts to where I can hardly turn my head.
My lower back hurts.
My left arm and hand hurts to where I can hardly grip anything in that hand, that hand being the left hand, which is connected to the left arm, which is connected to my shoulder, I guess, which is in turn connected to my ... NECK!!!
Oh yeah, and my left leg and foot hurt too, you know, numb and weak.
Oh, and I've got a bit of heartburn too, nothing to serious, and as I've always said, I'd rather have a heartburn than an assburn ... rimshot!!!
But yeah, yeah, but yeah.
And the surgeon said that I'm not completely healed ... HEALED!!!
But that's not unusual, and so I've got an appointment to see him again in the middle of October, but the surgeon said that if it's quit hurting by then that I can just cancel the appointment, but then again, he didn't say what he is going to do if it is still hurting by then, and honestly, I have a pretty strong feeling that it will still be hurting by then, so if it is STILL hurting then, I don't know ...
More tests???
Another MRI???
Another operation, and seriously, and there's that word seriously again, today was the first time that I realized, and I have nothing to base this on, just a gut feeling, that I might have to have another operation, which sucks.
And did I tell you that I think that I've finally gotten all the statements from my insurance company, and that the total cost for everything came to around $12,000.00.
Yeah, that's a lot of mooooooolah.
A one night stay in the hospital was over $7,500.00 alone, and the surgeon was like another $2,500.00, and then there's the anesthesiologist(sic), and various and sundry other expenses.
I mean, damn, I'm lucky I have insurance, but how in the world can someone who doesn't have insurance, or who doesn't qualify for government assistance, how in the world can they afford health care costs ... THEY CAN'T!!!
All of a sudden I don't hurt so bad.
Ok, I still hurt bad, but not so bad.
I wonder if i spelled anesthesiologist correctly?
I did after spellcheck.

I'm cracking up

Hey!!!

Four years ago today the Original Grand Ennui was born.

I'll take Matty Groves for the block

My new favorite Bettie Page picture.



And speaking about Nick Drake, since he recorded in the early 70s, you'd think that I would be familiar with him, you would, wouldn't you, I mean, I'm all about the early 70s, but no, I'm not familiar with him at all, I mean, before a year or two ago I hadn't even heard of him, and before tonight, when I downloaded his Pink Moon album I had never even HEARD him, and guess what, I hadn't missed a thing, I mean seriously if I had to throw a lifesaver to a drowning British Folkie, I'd throw it to Donovan, or Bert Jansch, or Sandy Denny, before I'd throw it to Nick Drake, I mean, even if Nick Drake was treading water, and waving his hands to get my attention, and yelling out ...
Hey, a little help here
I still wouldn't throw it to him.

Invention is the necessity of mothers

Ok, when I was stationed on the island of Crete I had a black friend named Wally. I guess we were both kind of outsiders, he was the only black guy, and I was the only boz, so we just sort of meshed.
We really had nothing in common. He spent his free time playing basketball badly, and getting high, while I spent my free time listening to the Jefferson Airplane and Bob Dylan and looking for secret ways to sneak into the library so no one would notice me.
We sat next to each other at work, and we would talk, and play scenes on each other, and then sometimes after a last night of working midnights we'd stop in at the airman's club and drink two for one beers at a quarter a round till we got good and drunk and yadda yadda yadda.
But really, we never hung around too much. It seems that whenever we got any free time Wally would just sort of disappear for a day or two at a time, like BAM off the face of the earth, but he'd always show up just when we were scheduled to go back to work.
Then one night, while we were on break, I was standing in the hallway of the dorm smoking a cigarette and shooting the breeze with the guy across the hall. Anyway, while we were talking Wally comes busting into the dorm and he was really high, and I don't mean normal high, he was paranoid, freaky look in his eye high. He stopped but didn't say anything, he just sort of stood there all weird and freaked out. I asked him what was up and he pulled out a switchblade and stuck it against my throat and started ranting about how the white man was the devil and ... you know that whole H Rap Brown, Malcom X, Angela Davis thing.
The guy across the hall got all bug eyed and was totally freaking out, and yeah, I was scared too, ok, I was petrified, but I knew Wally was just playing a scene, we were always playing scenes on each other at work, and this was not much different than any of his other scenes, the only difference was this was the first time he had ever stuck a knife against my throat, and since he was so high, I thought he might slip or something, and arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, slit my throat from ear to ear, but I was able to humor him, you know, I started playing a scene on him, I was playing the space cowboy to his black militant and yeah, he started laughing, and after a few minutes he got bored, or tired, or maybe he just came to his senses, and he put his knife away, and went to his room and went to bed.
Now I can't even pretend to know what happened to Wally that night, but I do know that the next time he disappeared for a couple of nights he disappeared for good!

Maybe I shouldn't post this.

Dr Marvin, Dr Leo Marvin!!!

Oh, man, I hurt tonight, my neck hurts, my right elbow hurts, and while I was waiting for this page to load the little finger on my right hand started to hurt, and I took a pain pill a couple of hours ago, and it hasn't helped a bit, of course maybe it has helped a bit, I mean without the pain pill maybe the finger next to the little finger on my right hand would be hurting too, and it's after three in the morning, and I should be asleep, but I started watching the movie What About Bob, which could just as easily be called What About Boz, because honest to god, it is all about me, and did I mention that I'm not wearing any underpants, I'm not naked or anything, I have quite a few clothes on, I'm just not wearing any underpants, and now I'm getting hungry, and I'm starting to worry that I might be watching too much reality tv, I mean, I watched the final episode of BB7 on Tuesday, and then I watched six reruns of Survivor Palau on OLN on Tuesday and Wednesday, and I'm seriously thinking about watching the new season of Survivor that starts tonight, I mean, how could I not watch it, there's four different ethnic groups I can make fun of, and yeah, I can't forget The Amazing Race, that starts on Sunday, which I have never watched before, but the commercials make it sound so good, and it has won an Emmy or two, which is television's highest honor, and I'm not sure but I think one of the contestants is a gay Muslim beauty contest winner with only one leg, and speaking about Muslims, and we were, weren't we, how come there isn't a team made up of Arab Americans on the new season of Survivor, oh, I think we know how come, don't we.

Also, I've got gum, sugar free cool green apple gum, and when you've got gum you've got everything.

Ask not what your country can do for you

Six degrees of separation between Boz and John F. Kennedy.
Ok, maybe Seven degrees of separation, but I could probably whittle it down to Six if I tried, but why bother, because you get the point.
1. One of my best online friends is AtxSuperstar.
2. AtxSuperstar is friend's with the biggest winner in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire's history.
3. Regis Philbin was the host of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.
4. Kathy Lee Gifford was cohost of Regis and Kathy Lee.
5. Kathy Lee Gifford is married to Frank Gifford.
6. One of Frank Gifford's children is married to one of Bobby Kennedy's children.
7. Bobby Kennedy is the brother of John F. Kennedy.

For extra credit: John F. Kennedy was assassinated during the filming of Footloose which starred Kevin Bacon

True or False or False or True

Answers to the Boz's true and false quiz.

A post from RW ... BS

True or False?
1. I was in a airplane that almost crashed.
2. I had tickets to see Woodstock but my parents wouldn't let me go.
3. I flunked Drivers Education twice.
4. I was in a category five hurricane.
5. My sister dated the bass player in Bob Seger's first band.
6. When I was in the Air Force I served with a guy who is now the mayor of Jackson, Mississippi.
7. I had sex in a prison.
8. I sent in an application to be on Jeopardy but never heard back from them.
9. My sister's best friend's daughter was one of Barker's Beauties on The Price is Right.
10. I was one of four finalists for Macomb County teacher of the year in 1981.

It's Tuesday again for the first time this week

A very strange list from a very strange day.
1. I slept till 2 PM today.
2. The reason I finally woke up was because I had a dream that I bought a five pound tomato at the gas station for ninety seven cents.
3. It's been a rainy and dreary day all day, and it was a rainy a dreary night all night.
4. The bottom sheet has come off my bed at all four corners.
5. I've read 400 pages of the 1000 page true crime novel The Executioner's Song by Norman Mailer, and I think I'm going to quit because I already know more than I need to know about Gary Gilmore the first man executed in the United States after the death penalty was reinstated in 197something.
6. I watched The Children's Hour starring Audrey Hepburn and Shirley MacLaine last night. It was one of the eight VHS tapes that I bought from the library for 8/$1.00. It was about how the repercussions of an unfounded rumor of the unnatural love between two women could ruin lives. Yeah, unnatural love ... it was 1961 and lesbians hadn't been invented yet.
7. I always liked Shirley MacLaine. She was pretty in an an unpretty sort of way.
8. I never understood the appeal of Audrey Hepburn. I think she must have been a woman's ideal of what an ideal woman should be back in the 50s and early 60s. I mean I never heard my dad say "Hey, there's an Audrey Hepburn movie playing at the Ramona this weekend, I can't wait to see it!!!"
9. Speaking about women who have an unnatural love for each other. There was a woman's softball tournament in town this past weekend and when I was in the Burger King on Sunday there were two unnatural women having a lovers quarrel.
10. Damn, my phone keeps ringing, but it only rings two and a half times and then it stops. I'm pretty sure it's my niece trying to call me because she calls once a week, and she's got this cell phone with a speaker phone option and for some reason she is in love with that option, and I think that is why the phone rings only two and a half times and then stops.

Let's do the time warp ... baby!!!

Once, when I was in college I was dating this girl named Maureen, and one Friday we drove down to Royal Oak to the Royal Oak Theater to see a midnight screening of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. It was Maureen's idea.

I had heard about the cult following and the weird goings on during these midnight showings of TRHPS, and it really wasn't my sort of thing, but Maureen was hot and had egg plant colored hair, and I mean how could you not be hot if your hair was eggplant colored, and I hope to god it was a dye job, but since I never got to see the carpet I can't say for certain.

Anyway, it was about as I expected, and except for the part where all the Janet's from the audience got on stage in their bras and slips I was pretty bored, and that was that except for the thirty some mile ride back to campus.

It was mid October, and the sky was crystal clear, and the trees had just started losing their leaves, and there was frost on the ground.

It was early morning, and there was no traffic as we drove north on I-75 and we had just gotten within range of the campus FM radio station.

The station was playing non-stop blues, you know, Muddy Waters, Buddy Guy, Elmore James, Howling Wolf, that kind of stuff.

Maureen and I weren't talking much. I think she was a little pissed that I couldn't get into the whole Rocky Horror thing. So we mostly just sat in silence and listened to the radio.

Just as we approached our exit and I put on my turn signal the radio cut out right in the middle of Back Door Man by Willie Dixon.

I asked Maureen to find another station, and she bent over and started twisting the dial. There was nothing, not even static.

It was an old car and a cheap FM radio that I had installed myself and I just thought it's time had come to crap out on me, so I turned the radio off.

We were now on a back road about 5 miles from campus.

That's when I heard the sound for the first time.

It was a whirring sort of sound.

I asked Maureen if she could hear anything, and she said no.

I told her to listen real hard, but still nothing.

Then I rolled down the window, and WHIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, it was deafening.

Maureen covered her ears and screamed.

I slammed on the brakes, and the car stalled.

I looked at Maureen and gave her a shut the fuck up look, and she did, but she was scared, you could tell just by the look in her eyes, and I felt kind of bad.

I tried to restart the car, once, twice, three times, but nothing happened, the engine wasn't even turning over.

All at once the noise stopped and it was dead silent.

Suddenly, it felt like a thousand search lights were shining into the car.

I reached over and grabbed Maureen's hand.

It felt like a giant magnet was lifting the car skyward ...

The next thing I remembered was parking in the lot across from Maureen's dormitory and walking her to her room.

I was desperately tired and didn't protest when she didn't invite me into her room.

I just wanted to get back to my place and go to bed.

But first I had to take a leak. I had to take a leak real bad.

So when I got down to the lobby of Maureen's dorm I ducked in the men's john and locked the door behind me.

I unzipped my pants and reached in and pulled it out and went about doing my business, but something seemed funny, you know, out of place or something, but I just couldn't put my finger on it.

When I was finished I was curious, so I undid my belt, and unbuttoned my jeans, and pulled them down off my hips just a bit.

A little silver token with some kind of weird writing on it fell to the floor, and I swear to god I was wearing Maureen's underpants!!!

End of chapter one.

I've been tagged

Eight Truths About Me
This will be hard for me because truth and blogging, at least for me, do not go hand in hand. So I'm only going to do one at a time because I'm afraid the strain might cause a nervous breakdown.

1. When I was five years old my grandfather came over for dinner one night. While he was saying grace I reached over and started to get a spoonful of green beans and my mother scolded me. After that I refused to eat vegetables of any kind for over thirty years.

Nip it, nip it in the bud

I've gone back to Haloscan comments because since I've changed over to Blogger BETA some people have had trouble leaving comments on Blogger Comments, and this is just another way for me to stick it to the MAN, with the MAN being Google.
I should probably feed the bird now.

It happened to me, it can happen to you

Imagine it is three in the morning, you are 18 years old, and you're sitting in the Contitental Trailways Bus Station in Fort Myers Florida drinking a Coke, waiting for your sister to get off work from the hospital across the street.
You're sitting in a booth by yourself watching a woman in her mid thirties, with a fake English accent, who is obviously a little drunk, trying to get one of the three off duty cab drivers sitting at the counter to give her a free ride home, with vague promises of sexual favors ...
And this song comes on the juke box.
What would you do?

A book is just a book, but a good cigar is a smoke

So, I'm trying to put together a list of my ten favorite books of all time, yeah, I know, but I want to do it, because I like lists, but you know it's hard, and I haven't come up with a list yet, but without a doubt Catch-22 by Joesph Heller is my favorite book, wait, maybe it should be favorite novels of all time, yeah, I like that better, and Catch-22 would then be my favorite novel of all time, and for sure we have to have something by Vonnegut, and the obvious choice would be Slaughterhouse-Five, and yeah, I really liked it, but I'm leaning more to picking Cat's Cradle or The Sirens of Titan, and then there is Stephen King and The Stand would be a good choice, but I'll tell you, the last novel I read by King has really stuck with me, and because of that I think I'll go with Hearts In Atlantis, because that is one book that when I was finished reading it I wished that it could have gone on and on and on.
Ok, that's what, three, good.
Let's see, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey, yeah, that's way up there, and oh man, how could I forget Robinson Crusoe by Daniel DeFoe, that was the first big person book I ever read when I was like seven years old and the librarian wasn't going to let me take it out until she had me read a passage to her out loud, and then she clucked her tongue a couple of times and said ...
Well, I guess I made a mistake
And she let me check it out.
What else???
Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck has a good chance of making it.
Decline and Fall and A Handful of Dust by Evelyn Waugh were both really good.
Hmmmm, Huckleberry Finn by Twain???
How about Been Down So Long it Looks Like Up to Me by Richard Farina, it's one of the few books that I've read more than twice.
Oh, The Natural by Malamud, I really liked that, and Rabbit Run by Updike, yeah, both of them, and did I spell Malamud's and Updike's names correctly, yeah, I guess I did.
On the Road by Kerouac, ahhhhh, I don't know, maybe.
How many is that, I've lost track.
FINE!!!
My mind has just gone blank.
I'll get back to this some day.

James, is that you?

Ok, here's the thing.
I had a doctor's appointment yesterday, a follow up to my spinal surgery in Julu, or should I say July.
Anyway, my appointment was for 1:15 so I got there at 1PM and as soon as I got to the reception area they told me that the doctor was running late because he had to perform an emergency surgery that morning, and that his Saginaw office was supposed to call me, but they didn't, and the Tawas Office, the office that I was at, had called me, but they had called me after I had left, so they told me that my appointment would be at least an hour to an hour and a half late, so I said what should I do, and they said, you can sign in and come back in an hour or so, or you could just wait in the office, or you could just reschedule, well, I didn't want to reschedule because I had already been rescheduled once, and I didn't want to set around the office, so I signed in and told them I'd be back in an hour.

Now I could have came home and waited, but I didn't, I went and walked around the Evil Empire for awhile and then I went to the Burger King and had a hamburger kids meal, the toy sucked by the way, and then I went back to the doctor's office, but I still had about a twenty minute wait, so I just stayed in the car and read the book I had brought with me, The 158 Pound Marriage by John Irving, yeah, the guy who wrote Garp, and the Hotel New Hampshire, and Cider House Rules, and it's about wife swapping, and it took place in the early 70's when wife swapping was all the rage, but I digress ...

At 2PM I went back inside and checked back in and they told me it would be a few minutes, well, the few minutes turned into 45 minutes, but actually I didn't mind too much, because I had gotten interested in my book, and the time passed by fairly quickly.

So, when I saw the doctor I told him that I still had a lot of pain, then he put me through some exercises, you know, push forward, pull back, stand up, one leg up, the other leg up, and then he said that he wanted me to get some x-rays.

Ok, since the doctor's office is in the hospital all the staff had to do was write up a work order and I could walk over to the x-ray department, get the x-rays taken, and walk back to the doctor's office and get my results.

Sounds simple right? Well, yeah, but you didn't factor in the mass stupidity of the doctor's staff.

I got to the x-ray department and turned in my work order and then sat down in the EMPTY waiting room. After about ten minutes the x-ray tech came in and asked if I were James, I said no, and she then asked if there had been anyone else in the waiting room, and I said no, she then looked perplexed, but I of course knew what had happened because they had fucked it up the last time I had come in for an MRI. So I told the tech that it was my work order, but the receptionist who had filled it out, while she was carrying on non work related conversations with three other staff members, had put the name of the patient before on the work order instead of mine, so the tech called the doctor's office and got it all straightened out, and blah, blah, blah, I got my x-rays taken and went back to the doctor's office to get the results.

Well, it was all pretty anticlimactic after that. The doctor looked at the x-rays, said that I hadn't healed completely, but that was to be expected, and there weren't any complications, and he wanted to see me in six more weeks, unless I wasn't hurting and in that case I could just cancel the appointment.

So, that was it, except that the receptionist who filled out the work order tried to blame me for her mistake by saying that I was there the whole time she was filling it out and should have caught her mistake, but I was just so relieved that nothing was wrong with my neck that I just let it slide. I'm like that at times.

A dog's life

The dog lay on the porch motionless, one eye open, surveying the road in front of him.
He could feel the man before he could see him. He could feel fear, the man's fear. When the man came into view about one hundred yards down the road the dog stirred slightly, his ears perking up for just a second. The man continued walking in the direction of the house. The man, who had been looking down while he walked, looked up for the first time and noticed the dog on the porch. The man altered his course slightly towards the far side of the road. The dog was still lying motionless, but he was now wide awake and poised. The man stared at the dog and quickened his pace. An almost imperceptible growl started deep down in the dog's stomach and moved into his throat. The man thought he noticed the dog baring his teeth, he once again quickened his pace while looking around for a stick, or a stone, anything he could use as a weapon. The dog's growl became more guttural, his every muscle tightened. The dog was ready to move. The man was starting to panic.

The front door to the house opened. The dog heard his master's voice. It was his master's food voice. The dog paused for a second and considered his options. His master's food voice called him one more time and the dog got up and went into the house, he was starved.

Thursday night at the movies

Ok, I watched the movie Domestic Disturbance tonight, yeah, the one starring John Travolta and Vince Vaughn as gay lovers the two main protagonists, ok maybe Travolta was the protagonist and Vaughn was the antagonist, it isn't important because they were gay lovers the two main characters in the movie, and it was an ok movie, not a great movie, there were a lot of plot holes, but it was an ok movie, and I was going to write a review of it, but I'm sorry because whenever I saw Vince Vaughn with his cheap ass toupee that seemed to grow larger and larger in each succeeding scene I couldn't help but notice how much Vince looked like the title character in David Lynch's Eraserhead, and that just bothered me to distraction, so there will be no review, but there will probably be nightmares, because Eraserhead was just a creepy creepy creepy movie.

Vince Vaughn (I think)



Eraserhead (I think)

Panging for my youth

I was nostalgic last night for a made for tv movie that I saw in 1975 that had been made in 1972 that starred Pamela Sue Martin, you know, that girl from Nancy Drew, and Lloyd Bridges, and some geeky kid who was really the star of the movie but I never knew the name of because I think this was the only movie he ever made.
Anyway, they were rich people that lived in apartments in New York City, and the geeky kid and Pamela Sue Martin were friends, not boy friend and girl friend, but just friends, but the geeky kid would have loved to have been Pamela Sue's boy friend, but he was just too geeky to be the boy friend of a hot chick like Pamela Sue, so he sort of put her on a pedestal and worshiped her from afar, even though they were friends ... did I mention that they were 15 years old, so, anyway, Pamela Sue was fucking one of her teachers, and she thought she might have gotten pregnant, but wasn't sure, so Pamela Sue asked the geeky kid for help in finding out if she was pregnant, and I know what you're thinking, that is, I know what you're thinking if you're even reading this, you're thinking why didn't she bop on down to the local drug store and buy an Early Pregnancy Test, well did you forget this was 1972 and EPTs weren't available over the counter, and I think you needed a prescription, but I'm not sure, but anyway, the geeky kid used to hang around the drug store and was friends with the pharmacist, who, by the way, was played by Tom Bosley, yes, the same Tom Bosley who went on to play Howard Cunningham on Happy Days just a few years after this, so, Tom the pharmacist was really guilt tripped into illegally giving the geeky kid the EPT, but only on the provision that the geeky kid quit hanging around the drug store because, well because Tom Bosley didn't want to be friends with someone who would ask him to break the law, oh yeah, I should also add that Pamela Sue wanted all this done on the QT because she was afraid her father, played by Lloyd Bridges would find out and ground her, hey, it was 1969 and parents still grounded their daughters if they got pregnant, ok, as the geeky kid was walking out of the drug store Lloyd Bridges walked in, and Lloyd really adored the geeky kid, he was sort of like the son Lloyd never had, but as Lloyd was talking to Tom Bosley I think Tom let it slip that the geeky kid wasn't all that admirable because he had just guilt tripped Tom into giving him the EPT, and Lloyd was all YESSSSSSSSSS, because he thought it was about time that the geeky kid was getting a piece of trim, hahahahaha, I said piece of trim, but then when Lloyd got home the geeky kid was just leaving, and when Lloyd was in the kitchen he saw the bag from the drug store and put two and two together and figured that the piece of trim the geeky kid was getting was his daughter Pamela Sue, but remember, we already knew that it one of Pamela Sue's teachers that was getting a piece of his daughter's trim, but of course Lloyd thought it was the geeky kid, so Lloyd started hating him, and remember Tom Bosley had also started hating him, and he finally realized that Pamela Sue was just using him, so he got all depressed, and either started taking drugs, or joined a commune, or murdered Pamela Sue, or came to the conclusion that the reason older guys like Lloyd and Tom liked him was some kind of NAMBLA thing and he became a male hooker down in Times Square, and I'm just reaching for conclusions now because it's been thirty years since I've seen the movie, and it really wasn't that good a movie, and after I'm done with this post I'm going to check IMDB and see if I can find out what the title of the movie was, and I'm still puzzled why this movie made me wax nostalgic, and not that it matters, but I don't think Pamela Sue was pregnant anyway.
And the title is ... To Find a Man

Ok, maybe she did get pregnant, and maybe the geeky kid wasn't asking Tom Bosley for an EPT test but for the name of an abortionist, because abortions were still illegal back in 1972, and now I'm really confused about how Lloyd found out about it, and I just realized my whole review is a lie!!!

A haircut and a beard trim for eleven bucks and the barber says thanks and really means it when you give him a two dollar tip

Ok, I was going to make a post about going to get a haircut today, and how I almost didn't go to get the haircut because I don't like to get a haircut if I need a shave, hey, call me weird, but that's just the way I am, and since I didn't shave last night that meant that I'd have to shave before I went to get the haircut, but see, here's the thing, for a man to properly shave there are 18 distinct head pivots that must be made, 18 different head movements if you will, but since I've now had two spinal fusion surgeries I am only able to perform 12 of the 18 pivoting movements, my head just doesn't pivot like it used to pivot, and no, that doesn't mean I can't shave, it just means I have to psyche myself up before I shave, and by the time I have psyched myself up I am usually, I don't know, bored, I guess, but yeah, I did actually go get the haircut, and yeah, I actually did shave, but the post wasn't going to be about shaving, it was going to be about getting a haircut at a small town barber shop, but much like I have to psyche myself up to shave, I also have to psyche myself up to write a post, and yeah, now I'm bored, so here's a capsulized version of the post I was going to make about getting a haircut in a small town barber shop.

The barber shop doesn't have a name out front, it just says BARBER SHOP.
The barber's name is Terry, which is a for suck name for a barber, all barbers should have a name that starts with B, like Butch, or Bob, or Bill, or Boz ... hey, I missed my calling, I should have been a barber!
There were all sorts of dead fish and dead animal heads hanging on the wall, and the backroom, and all barber shops should have a back room, and the backroom walls are filled with pictures of hot looking chicks in bikinis and underwear, or should I say bikinis OR underwear.
Terry makes up for having a for suck name for a barber by taking drags on a cigarette every thirty seconds while cutting your hair, I mean how un PC, and how cool is that!
Terry the for suck named barber told a joke about lesbians, and yeah, I laughed, but only because there is something about being in a real barber shop that makes you laugh at unfunny sexist jokes, and I don't really remember the whole joke, but the punch line was ... there were too many dykes and not enough spikes, and please don't judge me too harshly, I couldn't help it.

I guess that's it, wait, I forgot that whenever a pretty woman walks by in front of the barber shop everybody stops whatever it is they are doing and stares till she is out of view ... Now that's a barber shop!!!

Bobbie the Weather Girl

I'd heard stories about Bobbie the Weather Girl, but I never knew if she actually existed.



The stories I had heard were from guys I knew from when I was stationed on Crete who had been stationed in Vietnam before they had transferred to our sunny island paradise. They said there was this chick named Bobbie who used to do the weather forecast on the Armed Forces TV network in Vietnam, and that she used to do the forecast while wearing mini skirts, or in bikinis, and the television crew would do all sorts of wacky stuff while she was doing her report, like pouring water on her if there was rain in the forecast, or writing the temperatures on her if she was wearing a bikini, and everyone had a giant bone on for her, because, well just because, so yeah, these were the stories I heard ...
So anyway, I just happened to do a Google for Bobbie the Weather Girl, because, well, because, if you hadn't noticed I've been posting a lot of retro pin-up type pics this weekend, and I mean, if there was a BTWG now would be the time to find out, am I right?
So I did the search, and yeah, she really did exist, and I found a few pics, and yeah, she is the ultimate girl next door fantasy chick of the late 60s, and I also found an article about her, and the article said that BTWG was a secretary for some US government agency in Vietnam in the late sixties, and she didn't get paid for doing the weather, and she spent a lot of her free time visiting the troops out in the boonies, and she really was some kind of angel of mercy, or at least a chick who cared, so yeah, there you have it, and damn, if I had been some 19 year old guy stuck in some hootch in Vietnam instead of cooling my heels in the relative luxury of an air conditioned dormitory on the sunny island of Crete, ummm, yeah, I'd be telling stories about Bobbie the Weather Girl, and probably fantasizing about how one day I would sweep Bobbie the Weather Girl off her feet, and we would fall in love, and have nasty/wicked but very satisfying sex, which would eventually lead to marriage, and umm, three or four kids, and we would never fight or argue, and we would watch the Wheel together on the living room couch after the evening news, and she would be watching me over my shoulder as I typed this post.

Where were you when you found out that Marilyn Monroe was a dead parrot?

Let me see, it was sometime in August of 1962 ...



And I think it was a Saturday night, and I was twelve years old, and my parents and I had just gotten back from the Gratiot Drive-in, but I don't remember what we saw, it might have been Dr. Strangelove, because I remember that we saw that at the drive-in, and it came out about that time, I guess, and god knows why my parents would go see a movie like that, I mean that wasn't their KIND of movie, but hey, maybe they just wanted to see a movie, and since I got in for free even though I was twelve and the cut off age for free kids was under twelve, and maybe that was their way of sticking it to the man, so maybe that's it, maybe they just wanted to see a movie, and stick it to the man.
Anyway, my parents and I had just gotten back from the drive-in where we may, or may not have, seen Dr Strangelove, and my sister told us that they had on the news that Marilyn Monroe had just died, and my sister said that she was 36 years old, and I thought to myself that man that was old and then I went to bed and fell right to sleep because it was after one in the morning, and who knows, if maybe I had been a more sensitive kid I might have stayed up and written Candle in the Wind, and then fallen right to sleep, but these are things one never knows.

Me and you and a dog named Taz

So, I went to the Dollar Daze and browsed for about half an hour, but didn't buy anything, but I almost bought a set of screwdrivers, and I almost bought some Loony Tunes Tasmanian Devil air fresheners that you hang up in your HOUSE not your car, but I didn't, and I almost bought something else, but I forgot what it was.



Then I went to Burger King, and I did super size the fries, and I ordered a small coke but they gave me a large coke by mistake, and normally I would have pointed it out to them, but my neck was really hurting and I wasn't really paying that much attention, at least that was what I was going to tell them if they called me on it, and I even got a refill on it, which you do yourself at the self serve counter, and the refill is on my desk right now and I am drinking it ...
(((SLURP)))

Short sleeve shirt weather

So, I think I'm going to go get a burger in a few minutes, but first I think I'll go to the Dollar Store, which to be correct is actually the Dollar Daze, and I have heartburn, and I think I caught it from MB, because she's been complaining about having it for a week, and yeah, I already bought her some generic Zantac75, and anyway that burger is starting to sound pretty good, do you think I should super size on the fries, and can you tell I've started posting semi-naked pictures again, and yeah, one of them is a little bit more than semi-naked, and I don't know, I've just felt like posting them, not because I am bored or anything, but just because.

Oh, and yesterday was MB's birthday.
Dig the cake and ice cream, and maybe that is what gave me heartburn ...



So, yeah, I'm going now because the Dollar Daze closes early on Sunday, and have I told you lately that my neck still hurts, but yeah, it does, and I'm going now, seriously this time I mean it.

Oh, and one more thing. Did you know that Blogger has a new Beta format?
I'm soaking in it now!!!

Hot Rod Girl

On the Bonneville Salt Flats

Girls in stockings

Pretty cool, huh.

She's Sassy #2

I like Jane Birkin ...



She's sassy.

She's Sassy #1

I like PJ Harvey ...



she's sassy.

Things that I've got

Top ten weird things that friends I have made on the internet have sent me.
1. Salad Tongs
2. A Potato Gun
3. A Pair of Paper Underpants
4. A Moses on the Mount Cereal Bowl
5. A Belly Button Cleaner Wooden Ear Cleaners From Japan
7. A My Little Pony Coloring Book
8. A Barrel of Monkeys
9. A Talking Potty Training Book
10. A Dick and Jane Book
11. A Personalized Talking Xmas Tree Ornament
12. A Pack of Bo Derek Trading Cards
13. An "Ask Me About My Bowel Movements" Button
14. An Ozzie Slang Book
15. A Post Card From Duke's Coffee Shop on the Sunset Strip
16. A Lassie Xmas DVD

Ok, that's more than ten things isn't it, and that's just some of the weird stuff I've gotten. I should make a list of some of the really awesome stuff I've gotten, but it's late, and I'm tired, and awesome stuff isn't nearly as funny as weird stuff, and a lot of the awesome stuff was edible, so I don't remember what it was, except that it was awesome ... and edible, but I've gotten books, and t-shirts, and CDs, and photographs, and Bettie Page items, and prints, and posters, and pictures, and cassette tapes, and Frida Kahlo items, and coffee mugs, and refrigerator magnets, and stuff, and stuff and more stuff, but as yet ... no tupperware.

What have I, or What I've been doing today

Taking Nyquil for a real or imagined sinus infection.
Downloading Beautiful Agony video clips.
Listening to Kasey Chambers new CD.
Fitfully sleeping off and on throughout the evening.
Eating Pecan Sandies and drinking diet Coke.
Eating BBQ chips and drinking diet Coke.
Eating Little Debbie Snack Cakes and drinking diet Coke.
Wiping Pecan Sandie crumbs off my Sex Pistols 1978 US Tour T-shirt.
Changing batteries in the tv remote.
Changing batteries in my flashlight.
Almost breaking the flashlight with my super human Nyquil induced super human strength.
I think that might be it, but it's just past midnight and I've got a couple of hours left before I'll fall asleep so I might be doing other STUFF, I mean, it's almost time to take another shot of Nyquil, I could do that, or I could eat something and drink diet Coke, or I could just fall into a hypnotic trance while staring at the monitor ...

Good evening, this is Count Bozula, our Chiller Feature for tonight is ...

I think I would have made a great host for one of those Friday late night scary movie shows that they used to have on near the top of the UHF dial back in the 60s and 70s.

I didn't sleep at all last night

I didn't fall asleep till after 4 am this morning. No, nothing wrong, my mind just wouldn't shut down and I kept thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking about STUFF, and even after I did fall asleep I didn't sleep well, I mean I woke up at 6:45, and I woke up at 10:00, and I woke up at noon, and I woke up at 1:30, and even though I am still tired and discombobulated and STUFF, I think I am up for the day, well, at least till my nap.
Anyway, I have to go grocery shopping today because we need STUFF, you know STUFF like diet Coke, and white bread, and wheat bread, because I don't eat white bread, and MB doesn't eat wheat bread, and toilet paper, and maybe some cookies, and waffle fries, we need lots and lots of waffle fries, and some kind of heartburn medication for MB, and she said about the heartburn medication and I quote:
Get me some heartburn medication, I mean some good heartburn medication, the kind they advertise on tv during the commercial break between Matlock and Diagnosis Murder on the Hallmark Channel, and I don't care how much it costs!!!
So, yeah, I think I should get going.
Oh yeah, MB's birthday is this Saturday, she'll be 85, and I don't know what to get her besides money, and maybe some waffle fries, but I'll probably think of something, some little trinket or something, because the money, and maybe the waffle fries will be her main gift.

I was born under a wandering star.

Ok, I don't have much time because a movie I've wanted to see since I was 16 years old is about to come on Turner Classic Movies.
It's called Point Blank and it stars Lee Marvin, and let me tell you, Lee Marvin was one movie bad ass in the late 60s, well, even before the late 60s, he was Liberty Valance in the Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, and he was Chino in the Wild Ones, and he was Maj. John Reisman in The Dirty Dozen, and he was Eliza Doolittle in My Fair Lady, and he was the guy who used to beat me up when I was in junior high school, and he was the pope before the pope before last, and he was the most popular guy in Germany between Adolph Hitler and David Hasselhoff, and he was a bunch of other stuff that I can't remember ... did I mention he was the first winner on American Idol

Oh, Please !!!

Let's see, the facts so far:
He loved her
He drugged her.
He raped her.
He accidentally killed her.
He took her out for dinner and a movie.
He is the fifth Beatle.
He was the mysterious figure behind the wall on the grassy knoll.
He is the illegitimate son of L Ron Hubbard and Cher.
He took Moon Unit Zappa to the Junior Prom.
And ...
He had a chance to buy stock in Microsoft when it was five dollars a share.

Television Alert !!!

Two of my favorite people, Jonnie and Sandra, were in the audience taping this weekend for an episode of Rock Star: Super Nova which will be airing tonight at 9 PM EDT on CBS. Jonnie said that after their favorite to win the competition finished singing Cat's In The Cradle Jonnie yelled out BOZ!!! as loud as he could in hopes that the microphones would pick it up. So even though I've never watched Rock Star: Super Nova I will be watching it tonight, at least until the end of Cat's In The Cradle, to see if television history is indeed made.

Just a post about college and romance and stuff

Ok, I've thought of something.
The first girl I dated after I got out of the air force and started back to college was a gril, or girl, named Cheryl. Cheryl, and all it's various spellings was a very popular girl's name post WWII till at least the mid 50s, ok, it wasn't the most popular girls name, it wasn't as popular as Patricia, or Donna, or Mary, or Diane, or Kathy, but yeah, I think it was definitely top ten in popularity, I mean look, we've got Cheryl Tiegs and Cher and that should be enough to prove it was pretty popular, am I right?

So Cheryl, the first girl I dated once I started back to college ...
She was really cute, almost to the point of being too cute, and she had blue eyes, correction, she had big blue eyes, and that's probably what made her be almost too cute, I mean her eyes were big like the eyes of the kids in those paintings of the little kids with the really big eyes painted on black velvet, and I wish I could find a picture of one of those big eyed kids on black velvet to prove that I'm not going crazy, because I'm pretty sure you probably think I am going crazy, at least a little. Ah screw it, because ... well just screw it.
So anyway Cheryl had big eyes which was balanced out by the fact that she had no breasts whatsoever, I mean she was flat as a board, as a pancake, as a monkey who has just been run over by a steam roller, as a, well, yeah, she was boobless, but you know what, on her it looked good, you know sexy, a turn-on, groovy, outta site, and a bunch of other slang expressions I haven't used in thirty years, and why is my computer making that funny sound, sort of a dull roar, oh well, it probably isn't anything ...
Ok, big blue eyes, flat chested ... and blonde hair, natural blonde hair, well pretty natural, I mean the curtains didn't entirely match the carpet, but close enough, oh and her hair was short, real short, well, not buzz cut short, but short enough that with her lack of boobage she kind of looked like a thirteen year old boy, but only kind of, I mean, I never mistook her for a thirteen year old boy, and no I never wished that she was a thirteen year old boy, well, maybe that one time, but that was just role playing, and it was her idea anyway, but yeah, I guess so, and she had really long legs too, or maybe they just looked really long because she liked to wear hot pants, hahaha, hot pants, but yeah, it was like 1973, so yeah hot pants, and she really did have nice legs, and she wore platform shoes too, but like I said it was 1973 and everyone wore platform shoes, I mean that was the only kind of shoes they sold, and these were pre-disco platform shoes, so it was ok, at least sort of.

I think that's it. Well, we dated for a few months, and we had some fun, and we were supposed to go see George Harrison in concert down at Cobo Hall, but something came up, but I heard the concert sucked anyway, so I guess we didn't miss anything, but we did go to some parties, and maybe that is what broke us up, because I really didn't like parties, ok, ok, ok, I can't dance, that's what caused our break up, I can't fucking dance, big fucking deal, and the reason we didn't go see George Harrison is because she said she was sick, yeah, but if it had been something she wanted to do and I had been sick I bet I would have done it anyway sick or not, and I don't think she was really sick, I think she just didn't like George Harrison, and how can you not like All Things Must Pass, and now I'm really getting pissed, because those tickets weren't cheap, and I ended up giving them away to a guy who I didn't even like, and don't get me started on that, so yeah, we broke up, but how could we not when she treated me like that, I mean, how could we not, but damn she was cute with her flat chest and all.

My blog, my blog, my wonderful wonderful blog

Ok, it's like 2:45 in the morning and I can't sleep, and my neck hurts really bad, and it's been a month since surgery, and I know, it doesn't seem that long, but it's really been a month, and it still hurts, and what do you think, is that out of the ordinary, I know you're not a doctor, but what do you think, wait, I just asked you that, well, just tell me what you think, and there, I just asked you that again, and I'm getting so confused, and if I don't start concentrating pretty soon I'll probably ask you one more time what you think, see, I knew there was a pretty good chance that I'd ask you again.

Ten Pretty Names for Girls, I Mean Women, Because I've Seen the Error of My Sexist Ways
1. Marie.
2. Tootie, ok, you can see where this is going, can't you.
3. Any name that ends in -elle, like Marvelle, Shantelle, Bellelle, etcelle.
4. Angus, no wait, that's a pretty name for a breed of cattle, sorry.
5. Mickey, no, really, I have a cousin named Mickey, and she's a girl, I mean woman, but wait, she might just be a transvestite, and then the name Mickey would make more sense, or maybe I'm just thinking about Mickey Mantle, who isn't my cousin, or a transvestite, but he is dead, and I'm really not sure, he could be a transvestite for all I know.
6. Esther, no wait, I really hate that name ever since a real smart ass girl in my 8th grade social studies class named Esther made fun of me because I mistakenly referred to a peasant as a pheasant, I mean yeah, big fucking joke, but at least my name isn't Esther, bitch!
7. Tylenol Three with Codeine, ok, that would be a great name for a celebrity to name their daughter, Tylenol Three With Codeine Pitt, yeah, that works for me.
8. Eight, how cool would that be if you were an octuplet and by the time your parents got to you they had run out of names and they named you Eight.
9. Ennui, but only if you're French, or bored, or boring, or depressed, and suicidal, suicidal with a gun in your mouth, suicidal with a gun in your mouth worried that the rifle bullets you had to put in the gun because you're too depressed to go the ammo store to get proper bullets will work, and ... the goddamn John Cougar Mellencamp Suicide Prevention Hotline has got you on hold, yeah, and then Ennui would be a killer name.
10. Jane.

You can't judge a book by it's cover, or hair is only hair unless it's yours

So, anyway, I went to city hall yesterday to pay the water bill because we all know how important water is because our body is like 90% water, or in my case 90% diet Coke, and in your case Drambuie, or in a dead person's body ... Tangent alert!!!

So, yeah, anyway, I went to pay the water bill yesterday, and I was wearing my Beatles Let It Be t-shirt, the one that looks like the cover of the Let It Be album which is why it is called the Let It Be t-shirt, I imagine ...

And yeah, all the girls that work at city hall adore me, of course all the girls probably adore everyone, and it's incredibly sexist of me to call them girls because they are all at least in their mid thirties, but hey, it is what it is.

So, I'm going to city hall to pay the water bill and the girl with the really high bleached blonde hair is waiting on me. I mean really this girl, ok woman, because I've seen the error of my sexist ways, is nice and everything, but you can't see past her hair, it's all teased, and ratted, and feathered, and if she were bald she'd be about five foot four, but with the hair she is at least six foot six ...

Again, the girl with the bleached blonde high hair is waiting on me and she asks me what is on my shirt, and I tell her it's a Beatles Let It Be shirt and she says, and I quote ...

Oh, that doesn't look like the kind of shirt you would wear, but then again I don't know you.

And I'm like all internally saying to myself
WHAT THE FUCK
While I'm externally just saying
Yeah, I guess.

Cut to me
As I walk out the door smiling and singing The Long and Winding Road
OUT LOUD
and with feeling
And then fade to black

I think we're all Fredo's on this bus

I just finished watching Godfather II. Great movie, great movie. I really liked the move to Nevada, and the old timey part with Robert DiNiro as the young Vito Corleone, but the Miami/Cuba/Hymen Roth part, ehhh, not so much.
I mean HYMEN Roth!!!
Why not Vagina Roth, or Vulva Roth, or Clitoris Roth???
Geeze oh Pete, is nothing sacred, and how long has it been since I've said Geeze oh Pete anyway???
What's next a war movie called Major Labia ... Army Gynecologist???

Ok, it's Hyman Roth, but, still ...

Happy birthday Punky

Actress Soleil Moon Frye turns 30 today.

Let there be SMORES!!!

I'm undecided on whether I should take a pain pill before I go to bed.
I didn't take one last night and I hurt no matter which side I tried to sleep on, so at about 4 am I got up and took a pill and the pain went away enough so I could fall asleep where I dreamt about ...
Fish with teeth
Giving Vickie Brumley, a very busty red headed girl from my twelth grade Geography class, a piggyback ride
Dealing with the shame of being an ex-con
Getting lost in Detroit
Not graduating from high school
Driving a car with no brakes
Slot machines
Smoking cigarettes
Ummmm???
I guess that's it, but ok, I didn't dream any of those dreams last night, but they are all sort of dreams that I've had more than once, twice, ten times, and uhhh, I actually did dream about sleeping in a tent last night, with all of you, and we were all crowded together in the center of the tent, and some of us were in sleeping bags, and some of us were on cots, and it was a really HUGE tent, and it was musty, well not musty, more dampish, or maybe humid, and of course I was the coolest person in the tent, and you all wanted to be my friend ... my best friend forever, and me being me, well, me being me I tried to be everyone's best friend forever, and it was nice and communal, you know, all of us being in the tent together, it was like we bonded, and ... I think someone gave me a rubdown, and Joan Baez came by for a visit and we sang folk songs together, and there were SMORES!!!

So yeah, I think I'm going take a pain pill.

You're out of you element

Let's see.

While I was stopped at the stoplight in Oscoda this afternoon a group of kids pulled a wagon with a pet carrier on it across the street. One of the kids had a sign that said Free Kittens.
Bahhhhhhhhhh, I hate cats.
But when the kids got to the other side of the street two kittens stuck their heads out of the carrier, and my heart almost melted.
A-L-M-O-S-T melted, but it didn't, but if it did I would have named the one that I took, which I didn't take, I would have named it Bozzie.

The Big Lebowski is on, and the commercial is over, but it's cool, so even though it's on regular tv with commercials and all it is on a Canadian station so it isn't edited, they say shit, fuck, and cunt, and everything.

I guess that's it for now.

Do the Boz by Boz and the Bozztones

Hey, do the Boz, yeah!!!

The dance sensation



That's sweeping the nation

Don't rain on my parade and tell me it's piss

Yeah, it's late, and my neck just made that cracking sound again, and it's hot and stuffy, but I could sleep with the bedroom door open and let the a/c blow in, but ehhhh, why bother, I've got two fans in here circulating the air around, and you know what is funny anyway ... even though it's hot I still sleep under two covers and a sheet, which is not as bad as a few years back when I was anemic and I slept with an electric blanket all year long, ok, the anemia was just a symptom of my hypo-thyroidism, but it was still anemia, and does everyone sleep under a sheet, I mean I don't think I could ever sleep without a sheet between the covers and me.

Last night was weird.
At two in the morning I put a couple of CDs on and sang along with both of them, out loud, all the way through, every song, some guys named Fred Neil and Leonard Cohen, and do any of you listen to music and pretend that you are the singer, and you are up on stage performing, and you're a big rock star, or pop star, or country star, or blues singer, or jazz (scuddley boot de boot) singer and the crowd is going wild, well, I don't, but I used to, yeah, I used to pretend that I was Tom Jones, and I'd start to sing What's New Pussycat, or Sex Bomb, and women would start throwing their panties up on stage, I mean, taking them off right there in the audience and flinging them at my feet, and if I'm going to be honest about it, but why should I start being honest now ... but if I were to start being honest, no one has ever thrown their panties at me unless they had just taken them out of the dryer and expected me to fold them, but since I'm not being honest just forget that last part, because after going back and re-reading what I just wrote it doesn't make any sense or add anything to the blah blah blah blah and the blahness of the thought I am trying to convey.

So, where was I?
Oh, yeah, that whole part about Tom Jones was a lie, I really pretended I was Jimmy Osmond, no, I mean, Bob Dyaln, no, I mean, Dr. Hunter Douglas ... Male Rock Star.
Yeah!!!

Forwarded emails

My sister sent me this email today.
I know, I hate those heart warming group email type things too, and I almost didn't read this one, because I thought it might be about another cancer patient that needed your prayers, or the soldier who lost both his arms in battle and needed a nose operated computer, or how homosexuals are taking over the world because the New York Times hates George Bush, or how the liberals want to pass a law that makes religion illegal, you know that kind of group email.

But I read it, and since I hurt quite a bit today, and because I'm a little buzzed by one too many pain pills, I've decided to post it.

Think before you speak...

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.

I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon,
my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust
and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a
voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped
what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when
the door closed behind me,
were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
turned to the weatherman and asked: "So BILL where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh
and remember
we all say things we don't really mean,
so think before you speak

Ok, it's stupid, but I'm stupid, and you're stupid, well, you're not stupid, but there are a lot of people who are stupid, and I think I need another stupid pain pill, and is it hot in here to you, and do you think it means anything when earlier today I turned my head and I felt a big cracking sound right where the disk was removed, and I think I'm going to go lay down and get ready to listen to the ballgame, and do you think it's too soon to take another pain pill considering I took when I started writing this post about twenty minutes ago?

And I don't for a second think that any of those six TESTIMONIES actually happened, but still, I think I should take another pain pill, what about you?

Bimbo's Initiation

This is the kind of cartoon they used to show on the early morning cartoon shows when I was a pre-schooler.



You've gotta love Max and Dave Fleischer.

Link courtesy of If Charlie Parker Was a Gunslinger.

Soupy Sales

Soupy Sales got his start in Detroit.
He was a local television icon from about 1950 through 1960.
His first show was a half hour lunch time show called Lunch With Soupy.
In the late 50's he changed to an hour morning show called, I dunno, Breakfast With Soupy, or maybe it was just the Soupy Sales Show.
The main characters were:
White Fang, The meanest dog in all of Deeee-troit.
Black Tooth, The sweetest dog in all of Deeee-troit, looking back he was probably gay.
Willie the Worm, who lived in an apple, and was the sickest worm in all of Deeee-troit.
Pookie, the smart ass lion who gave Soupy all sorts of grief.
Hippie, a hippo who was Pookie's stooge.
And
The guy who knocked at the door, the one who hit Soupy with most of the shaving cream pies.

Oh, man I loved me some Soupy Sales.
The shaving cream pies, the buzzer that said Do Not Touch that when you touched you got squirted with seltzer, and the Words of Wisdom. (Be true to your teeth and they will never be false to you.)

He also had a late night show sort of like the Tonight Show and all the hot jazz acts like Dave Brubeck would stop by whenever they were playing in Detroit.

His last show in Detroit was Thanksgiving Day 1960, and I was ten years old, and I was getting ready to go see the Hudson's Thanksgiving Day Parade, and I was crying ...

Ok, I've got other stuff to do now, and really, Soupy wasn't all that anyway.

GOD, I MISS HIM, AND MY LOST YOUTH THAT HE REPRESENTS!!!

Yeah, I know this post is disjointed, and it sucks, and it isn't up to my high standards, and it sucks, and who the fuck cares about Soupy Sales anyway, and did you know that Soupy Sales two sons were musicians, and they were part of both Todd Rundgren's and David Bowie's back-up bands, no, not at the same time, that would have been bigamy, or incest, or somewhere between bigamy and incest, and one of Soupy's sons was named Hunt and the other was named Wesson Oil, haaa, I made that up, I mean Soupy isn't Frank Zappa, but yeah, one of his son's is named Hunt, ohhh, I just looked it up, his other son's name is Tony, and just how boring is that, I mean there was such potential, he could have named them Hunt and Peck, or Mike and Hunt, or something ...

Seriously,I got distracted by a girl without a spleen while I was writing this post, and how can you ignore a spleenless girl in her hour of need?

Tylenol Three and Me

Listening to Highway 61 Revisited by ???

Got a haircut today and the barber was very very interested in the incision on my throat ... vampire-ish interested if you want my opinion.

Expecting another storm tonight. I do not want another power outage. I mean I DO NOT want another power outage with a fervor that borders on the fervorish.

Deep dish pizza on special at Hungry Howie's on Tuesday. Sounds like a plan.

I've never eaten potted meat, deviled meat, or pickled meat, but I did eat spam once ... once ... once ... once. Okay, twice.

I had my picture taken on a pony when I was 4.
I had my picture taken with Soupy Sales at the grand opening of a supermarket when I was 5.
I had my picture taken with a real live indian chief when I was 6.

I'm still listening to Highway 61 Revisited by ???

The incision on my neck itches and I don't know who to blame.

I went in the kitchen to get a drink and ended up making a couple of sandwiches.

And now I am going to watch tv.

The cat in the hat with a baseball bat ... splat!!!

I'm just curious.
What am I doing up at five in the morning reading recaps of Big Brother All Stars?
I mean I could be watching the Girls Gone Wild commercials ... or sleeping, well, not sleeping, but that thing you do in bed with your eyes closed, nooooo, I don't mean that, you'd have to grimace to do that.
Anyway, I think I'll contemplate my surgical scars.
I'm seriously cultivating the Frankenstein's monster look, seriously, and is it stein or stien?

Let's see

My sister gave MB a slow cooker/crock pot as an early birthday present before she left. I am going to use it to make a chicken dinner with carrots and potatoes tomorrow.

I just finished watching a very bad movie called Casablanca Express from a two for a dollar dvd. It was a WWII movie starring Sean Connery's son and Anthony Quinn's son that was made in Italy and all the German soldiers were played by Italians, and all the American soldiers were played by Italians, and all the Italian soldiers were in Rome avoiding combat, drinking Cinzano, acting all upset because the pretty women were sleeping with the Germans, and working themselves into a self righteous indignation to the point where they could rationalize shaving the heads of anyone, yes anyone, who ... ahhh whatever.

Hey, I actually don't hurt too bad today. I realized that I didn't when I was out and I had just filled the car up with gas and I was walking to the cashier's booth and nothing hurt, nothing hurt, nothing hurt. Well, ok, I hurt a little now, but I think I actually might live, and I'm kind of feeling a bit melancholy because pretty soon I won't have any pain to complain about.

Double hey, I downloaded a whole bunch of those Beautiful Agony video clips the other day, and you know what, they're pretty sexy, seriously pretty sexy.

So I guess I'll go watch the second of the two for a dollar dvd movies and pretend I am Tom Servo.

Friday is today

Another three hour plus power outage today.
That's two this week ... TWO!!!
Blahhhhhhhhhhh.
My neck hurts from sleeping on my side.
My hip hurts from sleeping on my back.
My throat hurts when I swallow.
My pity hurts when I wallow.
I'm watching baseball now, and we're losing, but not by much.
I could use some ice cream.
I could use a shower.
I could use a nice anti-perspirant.
When the power came back on I was half asleep and I a almost had a heart attack when everything came on at once ... I just said came!!!
Yeah, my neck pretty much hurts to distraction.
The end.

Today I became a fellow traveler.

Ok, so I'm going to write a post now.
I'm kind of rusty though.
No, wait, that sucks ...

Did I ever tell you about the time my sister got us lost at the beach, the zoo, the crab nebula? I was three and she was nine, and she cried, and I acted all adorable, and the lost and found people had to placate her, and I got both our ice creams, and when our parents found us my mother blamed our father, and my father said he only turned his back for a second, and they argued all the way home in our 1949 pea green Ford, while my other sister, who was twelve, acted all snooty and pre-teen and just ignored everyone.

A Boz Family Photo

A Boz Family Photo
Originally uploaded by boz48730.

Angel of the morning

I miss my Mennonite cutie.
I wonder if she has a My Space account?

Surgery -After Care

Surgery -After Care
Originally uploaded by boz48730.

Surgical stockings that have to be worn for two weeks, and my hospital footies with traction strips on the bottom, vroooom, vroooooom, vrooooooooooooom.

Surgery - the hip

Surgery - the hip
Originally uploaded by boz48730.

anterior cervical spinal fusion surgery - 1st pic

anterior cervical spinal fusion surgery
Originally uploaded by boz48730.

I'm Home

Everything went great, many stories to tell and pictures to post.
I might do an audio post tonight, but now ... I'm going to bed.

The REAL last post before surgery

Leaving tomorrow night.
Surgery Monday morning.
I'll be home either Tuesday or Wednesday.
Wish me luck.
See you in a couple of days.
Why am I sweating profusely?

Last post before surgery???

I don't know, it might be. Pain has invaded every nook and cranny of my body. Yesterday it was my right shoulder and my left heel. Today it is my left upper and lower jaw. I think the only parts of me that don't hurt are my eyebrows. I was going to stay home all day tomorrow and just rest in bed, well, except for running into town to refill a prescription and paying the water bill, but my sister has invited us over to their motor home for a chicken dinner. I mean what can I do? They've been so nice about this whole thing, but ... it hurt today to even eat chili, and you don't actually eat chili, you just sort of swallow it, am I right.
So I guess I'll just wait and see how I feel tomorrow, because if I feel as crappy as I feel right now, there is no way ... and actually, I would really like to see their motor home, they just got it last year, and I've never seen it, I'm not trying to be a bad guy here, but ... I'M THE ONE WHO IS HAVING SURGERY, and I hurt, and it should be all about me, shouldn't it?

Surgery Update

I got some good news and some ehhhh news when the hospital in Saginaw called me this morning.

They told me that I could get my pre-op tests done at the hospital in Tawas, which eliminates a 170 mile round trip to Saginaw and back, let's hear a big YAY for that.

I also found out that I might only have to spend one night in the hospital after the surgery, I'm not sure about ... yeah, let's hear a big YAY for that too.

Finally, I found out that I have to report to the hospital down in Saginaw at five thirty am next Monday morning for a scheduled seven thirty surgery, which means we'll either have to leave Sunday afternoon and get a hotel room down in Saginaw, or leave here at about three am to make sure we made it by five thirty, which if I had my choice is what I would like to do, of course since I won't be driving that's a no brainer for me, because do I really want to spend the night in a hotel room with my brother-in-law, but I guess you could say does my brother-in-law really want to spend the night in a hotel room with me ... touch-e!

Be the first one on your block to have your boy shipped home in a box

So, earlier tonight I downloaded the first album recorded by Country Joe and the Fish. This was one of the albums I used to listen to in my walk in closet that I had converted into my hippie pad back when I was in high school which was complete with beaded curtains, psychedelic posters, black light, and cushions all over the floor, this was one of the albums I used to listen to while smoking Lucky Strikes and pretending I was smoking grass ...

And that reminds me of the time that Wesley from across the street read somewhere that you could get high from smoking tea leaves. So one afternoon after school Wesley from across the street and I decided we would smoke tea leaves in my walk in closet/hippie pad. Wesley from across the street had a cigarette rolling machine ... a what???
And he rolled us a cigarette filled with tea leaves.
We lit it up, and and and and and ...
It was god awful and the smell was enough to kill cockroaches.
Oh, I forgot to mention that my old man was home at the time.

Old man: What the hell is that smell?
Me: Ummmmm, it's incense.
Old man: My god, it smells awful.
Me: Yeah, I know, I'll never buy any of that stuff again!

And that also reminds me of the time that Wesley from across the street got his hands on a stag movie and we decided to watch it up in my walk in closet/hippie pad after school on the rickety old 8 millimeter projector that my parents had gotten for me used for my birthday a couple years before along with a used 8mm movie camera which I always thought was a terrible birthday present, because it wasn't actually for me, it was actually for them, ok, it was actually for me, but it was for me to take movies whenever they wanted movies taken, you know what I mean.

Parents: Hey, bozzie, come down here and take some movies of your niece and nephew, they look so cute.
Me: Awwwwwwwwwwwww, I can't, I'm doing homework ...

Actually, I was probably looking through the curtains and trying to catch a glimpse of Marilyn with the big boobs, and I mean big boobs, changing clothes in her bedroom which I had a perfect view of from my bed room, yeah.

So anyway, Wesley from across the street and I decided to watch the stag film, and I guess I should mention that most stag films were from the late 40s or early 50s and the women had pendulous breasts, and hairy, I mean really hairy bushes, and yeah, I think we called them bushes back then, and the women had stretch marks and caked make-up, and they were generally very un-attractive but compared to the men ...
The men in stag films were always short and very swarthy, with greased backed hair, and pencil thin mustaches, and floppy schlongs, and ...
They always kept their socks on, their black socks on, their black socks with bad elastic that caused them to roll down around their ankles ...

So, I threaded the film and turned on the rickety old projector, and you wouldn't believe just how much noise one of those projectors made.
CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK, CLACK,

Oh yeah, I should probably mention that my old man was home.

Old man: What's that noise?
Me: Oh, me and Wesley from across the street are watching a home movie.
Old Man: Can, I come up and watch?
Me: Ahhhhhhh, errrrrrrrrrrrr, ummmmmmmmmmmm, NO, it's a home movie of Wesley from across the street when he was a baby and he's kind of embarrassed!

So, yeah, Country Joe and the Fish, great album.

Can you see the pained expression in my face?

Sunglasses after dark

I was at Walmart the other day and the guy in front of me was buying a machete, a fucking machete ... at Walmart, who knew the Amazon Basin cut through NE Michigan!

I had a dream last night that a carload of nuns pulled into my driveway and tried to talk me into adopting a couple of parrots.

As the dream continued, I was laying in bed covered in bird seed and what I thought was a parrot, but what turned out to be a giant parakeet, was perched on my chest and eating the bird seed.

Someone is shooting off fireworks a couple of streets over.

My niece is driving up tomorrow, she is bringing her cat Cookie.

My sister and her husband left Florida today. They will be driving their motor home and towing their car, they are also bringing their rottweiler Thor.

Doesn't bother me. I'm just going to slip it into cruise control and go with the flow until my surgery.

Baby ...

Actually, I am in quite a bit of pain.

From the inside looking out

I had to pick up a copy of my last MRI from the hospital in Tawas to take to the hospital down in Saginaw. It was on a CD-ROM, so I popped it in the computer and took a look.