Friday, September 29, 2006

Me in a sweatshirt

Smiling to hide the pain.

I didn't even know I had a sweatshirt until this afternoon while in a pain pill induced stupor I stumbled upon it while hiding in the closet.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Time is time

I've really learned to appreciate nice, and strong, and healthy, and sexy vertebrae.

Chef Boz

Cream of Broccoli Soup
1. Don't buy a can Cream of Broccoli Soup, it's way to expensive, it's somewhere close to two bucks a can for Campbells.
2. Go to the Dollar General, or the Family Dollar, or the SavALot, or any discount type store where they sell soup for two cans for a dollar.
3. The won't have cream of broccoli soup but they will have cream of mushroom, celery, and chicken.
4. Buy two cans of cream of whatever soup, I prefer celery and chicken.
5. I never look at the soup labels, but I think you can mix the two cans of soup with either water or milk, use milk, or use water and some powdered non-dairy creamer, the creamer will work just fine, I use it when I make instant mashed potatoes, yeah, I'm quite a cook, I know.
6. Ok, maybe I should mention that you should open the cans, and empty them into a saucepan, and make sure the saucepan is big enough, and turn the stove on, not the oven, the stove, there's a difference, believe me.
7. Hey boz, I thought this was cream of broccoli soup, where's the broccoli? Yeah, I figured you'd bring that up sooner or later. Ok, you buy a bag of frozen broccoli, which costs about a buck for a one pound bag, and dump about a third to a half of the bag of broccoli into your saucepan full of cream of whatever soup, and this is why it's important that you use a big enough saucepan like I mentioned in step #6, because if the saucepan isn't big enough the soup will splash all over.
8. Stir the soup, making sure to mush up all the big lumps of concentrated cream of whatever while you stir.
9. Bring to a boil.
10. Turn off the stove and cover the saucepan and let it sit for awhile until it thickens up a bit.
11. Serve in a bowl or a big mug with the cracker of your choice, I prefer oyster crackers because you don't have to break them up, but you know what else is good, well, according to MB it's good, Ritz Crackers, yeah, try some Ritz Crackers with your soup.
12. I guess that's it, well, you'll probably want something to drink, but I'll leave that up to you.
13. Bon Appetit!!!

Two alternate recipes ...
1. Cream of broccoli with cheese - Add a couple of slices of Kraft Singles, or any other petroleum based cheese food product, while cooking, and hey, if you're feeling really daring cut off a hunk of real cheese and throw it in, who knows, you may actually like it.
2. Cream of broccoli plus - Instead of adding frozen broccoli substitute Broccoli Normandy, which also costs about a buck a bag and along with the broccoli you'll get cauliflower and carrots.

Dammit, this is the second time I've done a cream of broccoli soup post!!!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Satisfaction guaranteed

Ok, I went to the Dollar Store yesterday and found a box of Mike and Ike Cherry Cola flavored candy in the bargain basket for fifty cents, I mean Mike and Ike Cherry Cola ... WOW!!!
But of course they were hard as a rock since they were in the bargain basket, of course I ate them anyway.

Then today I called the 1-800 customer service number on the back of the box and told the customer service lady about the hard as a rock Mike and Ike Cherry Cola candy that I had bought yesterday, but I left out the part about finding them in the bargain bin at the Dollar Store.
She said she wasn't surprised that they were hard as a rock because they don't make the Cherry Cola flavored candy anymore.
Then she threw a curve ball at me.
She asked me where I bought them.
I panicked for a second, then I lied, and told them I bought them at a convenience store/gas station in Oscoda, thinking that was vague enough to throw her off the trail.
She wanted to know if that was the only box, or were there more than one, because ...
Hehehehe, ahhhhhhhhhh, I'm not sure, yeah, I don't know, maybe.
She then asked me the name of the store .
THE NAME OF THE STORE ... Ummm, I don't know the name of the store, it's you know, just a locally owned place, but I do know the name of the gas station, I was sweating now.
Ok, what's the name of the gas station.
Ummmm, think boz think, ahhhh it's the Speedway, yeah, the Speedway, that's a pretty generic gas station name, right.
Where's it located?
Damn you woman, stop with the third degree, Uhhh, it's in Oscoda Michigan.
Where is it located at in Oscoda?
Now, I'm starting to get dizzy, it's, it's, it's on the main highway, I don't know the address or anything.

Ok, I'm expecting the rubber hoses now, but that was it, she was finished, she thanked me for my concern, and she asked me for my name and address, and told me that they would be sending me a fresh variety package of their other brands of candy ...
And that I should be receiving them in a week or two.
Unless, of course, we find out you were lying to us ...
Ok, she didn't say that part about lying, but if she had I probably would have passed out, or something.

Tuesday night is Janus night on TCM

Ok, I'm going to try to watch Cocteau's 1950 film Orphée on TCM in a few minutes. Wish me luck

María Casares's Princess of death strikes a pose in Orphée.

Does the person I think María Casare looks like thinks she looks like María Casare?
I mean I think it's spooky how much I think the person who looks like María Casare looks like María Casare.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Picture Six

The little man in the boat

Have you ever noticed that if you squint just right how much a mouse resembles a woman's vagina? Then again maybe it's just me.

Also, do you find it odd that I felt the need to refer to it as a woman's vagina and not just a vagina?

Stop ... don't stop

I am depressed because ...
1. I saw my reflection in a store window and I looked a little too much like Colonel Sanders.
2. After two and a half years I tried to install my Scrabble CD-ROM that worked on Windows 98 but doesn't work on Windows XP and since I am now running Windows XP it doesn't work on my computer and it only took me two and a half years to figure it out, and to add insult to injury the empty Scrabble CD-ROM fell behind my computer desk where it will be left to bond with the dust bunnies and candy bar wrappers until I have a really good reason to clean behind my computer desk.
3. Osama Bin Laden will never pay back the fifty bucks I loaned him that one time we took a bus together to Atlantic City for a weekend of babes and baccarat.
4. I want to do things that seriously aren't a good idea to want to do.
5. Every time I change a light bulb another light bulb burns out later that same day.
6. I've been sitting here for ten minutes and I still haven't come up with a number #6.
7. I shouldn't be depressed because it took me ten minutes to come up with a #6 because that should mean that I'm not as depressed as I think I am, right!
8. My novel with the first line "They sat and stared at each other across the kitchen table" is the only line that I have.
9. I've forgotten what it is like to have someone else's tongue in my mouth.
10. When I finish with #10 this post will be complete and I will have nothing else to do for the rest of the day.

Potato Chip Sandos

My recipe for Potato Chip Sandos originally posted on Cooking for Losers in February 2003.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Can I exhale yet?

A serious case of moobs.

Accent on the oo's.

Get on with it already

I'm going to make spaghetti today.
I've never made spaghetti before.
I'm not even sure how to spell spaghetti, but I guess that's what spellcheck is for.
The reason I am going to make spaghetti is because last night at a little after two am I channel surfed onto a movie on Turner Classic titled A Woman Under the Influence starring Peter Falk and Gena Rowlands, and I'm thinking that the movie must have been directed by John Cassavetes because Peter Falk was his best friend, and Gena Rowlands was his wife, and at that time of night, or morning, TCM usually shows some kind of indie off the wall cult classic, which is the kind of movie that Cassavetes was known for, if he was known for anything, anyway, the scene I surfed in on was when Falk brings a bunch of his working class buddies home and Rowlands, who plays Falk's wife, happily whips up a bunch of spaghetti to feed the starving masses, and watching the starving masses eat spaghetti made me think to myself that ...
Hey, I haven't had spaghetti for a long time, and it sure looks/sounds good
And since I don't feel like going out for a spaghetti dinner,
And because it would be a hell of alot easier for me to make it than for MB to make,
not that she couldn't make it, it would just be a hell of alot easier for me to make.
So, I decided to make it my ownself.

This morning I got up and checked to see if we had any spaghetti making materials skulking around the house, but there wasn't.
There wasn't, except for a jar of Ragu that I found way in the back of the fridge, that hadn't been opened, but I'm sure had been in the back of the fridge since before Clinton hadn't had sex with that woman ...
So, I just decided to go to the supermarket and start from scratch.

The list I wrote in my head included french bread, ground round, spaghetti sauce, spaghetti, and maybe a bottle of daygo red wine.

Ok, I got to the store and the first item I found in the bakery was french bread with crusty crust for a $1.79, which I thought was a little expensive, but it did have crusty crust so I guess you have to pay for the extras.
Then I hit the butcher counter and got a half pound of ground round which also came to a $1.79, and maybe I should play that number in the three digit daily game, but probably I won't, and yeah, I thought I'd get ground round because since I already paid $1.79 for the bread, the french bread with crusty crust, I figured I'd go all out.
My next stop was the spaghetti sauce/pasta aisle where I totally intended to get the most expensive sauce they had, which I think was the Paul Newman for like three bucks a jar, and yeah, I could have made the sauce from scratch, but why bother, I mean it's not like a have an educated palate, and if it's good enough for Joanne Woodward then it's good enough for me, but wait ... Hunt's spaghetti sauce is on sale for a buck a can, a buck a can, a buck a can, and this is where my mind kicks into Boz Loves a Bargain mode, and hey, I can't fight it, a buck a can people, a buck a can, it was a fait accompli, and yeah, I even bought two cans in case I ever want to make spaghetti again.
The pasta was right next to the sauce, and ... and ... and ... Muellers thin spaghetti in the two pound box was also on sale for a buck, it seems it was bargains for a buck week, so Muellers it was.

Now, I'm not a drinker, but you know every once in a while ... and daygo red does go good with spaghetti, so I thought I'd check out the wine section, but damn, wine, even the wine without a cork, is so freakin' expensive I decided to get a bottle of Diet Cherry 7-up instead, which looks a lot like daygo red when you drink it from a glass, or a paper bag ...

I guess that's it.
I guess I'm going to start preparing it.
I wish I had a chef's hat, and about six helpers to do all the work while I supervised like on all the cooking shows, but I don't, so ...
Here goes nothing.

Seriously, all the gear kids are wearing them

I should seriously be in bed trying to fall asleep, but hey ...
I'm listening to the Dave Clark Five, I mean the Dave Clark Freakin' Five, so what can I freakin' do?

FYI: Dave Clark is the one touching his the organ and giving the look of love to the bass player.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Just call me Half A Cup


I know it's Autumn, but I'm still feeling all Summery

So, I rented a bunch of movies yesterday, six of them in all, from the Fitty Cent Aisle, and by the way Fitty said for me to give a big [insert urban slang word for hello here] ... ah, never mind.

Anyway, I rented six movies yesterday and I think I can remember the titles for five of them, three of which I've watched, one of which I tried to watch but was unwatchable, and two which I haven't watched ... yet.

Bubble - Is about a fat red headed woman who is in love with a much younger not too bright guy that works at the doll making factory with her, and the not too bright guy isn't really aware that the older fat red headed woman is jonesing for him, and then everything is thrown into a tumult when a much younger semi-attractive woman is hired at the doll factory, and I imagine you can guess where all of this is headed.

Noise - A movie about a woman who is slowly descending into madness because she can't sleep due to all the noise that her upstairs neighbor, a woman who has already descended into madness, makes at night. The upstairs neighbor is played by Ally Sheedy, who my god, used to be kind of hot in a strange twisted bizarre way, but is now only strange twisted and bizarre, and I swear to god ... she must have the biggest teeth in the world!!!

Insomnia - Takes place in Alaska and is about cops, and murder, and another murder, which may not actually be a murder, and it stars Al Pacino, Robin Williams, and Hilary Swank who for a change doesn't play a lesbian ... or does she???

8MM II - Which I thought might be a sequel to 8MM, but actually wasn't, it was actually more of a soft core porn rip-off with a bunch of silicone breasted ... and that's about as far as I got before I turned it off.

Fahrenheit 9/11 - Yeah, I hate when someone I can't stand believes in some of the same things I believe in, but I'm going to treat it like a black comedy, you know, sort of like Dr. Strangelove only with Michael Moore taking the place of Peter Sellers.

The last movie which I can't remember the title of - I think it's about poor white people, and trailer parks, and unwed mothers, and fathers in prison, but that's just a guess, and I think it stars that one young actress who always plays the poor white girl, who lives in a trailer park, and is an unwed mother, and her father is in prison, yeah, that's the one ... Jena Malone, and I think I'll watch that one now.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

I don't know, what do YOU think?

Seriously, I don't know what I am doing up right now.
I am in seriously serious pain.
My neck hurts to where I can hardly turn my head.
My lower back hurts.
My left arm and hand hurts to where I can hardly grip anything in that hand, that hand being the left hand, which is connected to the left arm, which is connected to my shoulder, I guess, which is in turn connected to my ... NECK!!!
Oh yeah, and my left leg and foot hurt too, you know, numb and weak.
Oh, and I've got a bit of heartburn too, nothing to serious, and as I've always said, I'd rather have a heartburn than an assburn ... rimshot!!!
But yeah, yeah, but yeah.
And the surgeon said that I'm not completely healed ... HEALED!!!
But that's not unusual, and so I've got an appointment to see him again in the middle of October, but the surgeon said that if it's quit hurting by then that I can just cancel the appointment, but then again, he didn't say what he is going to do if it is still hurting by then, and honestly, I have a pretty strong feeling that it will still be hurting by then, so if it is STILL hurting then, I don't know ...
More tests???
Another MRI???
Another operation, and seriously, and there's that word seriously again, today was the first time that I realized, and I have nothing to base this on, just a gut feeling, that I might have to have another operation, which sucks.
And did I tell you that I think that I've finally gotten all the statements from my insurance company, and that the total cost for everything came to around $12,000.00.
Yeah, that's a lot of mooooooolah.
A one night stay in the hospital was over $7,500.00 alone, and the surgeon was like another $2,500.00, and then there's the anesthesiologist(sic), and various and sundry other expenses.
I mean, damn, I'm lucky I have insurance, but how in the world can someone who doesn't have insurance, or who doesn't qualify for government assistance, how in the world can they afford health care costs ... THEY CAN'T!!!
All of a sudden I don't hurt so bad.
Ok, I still hurt bad, but not so bad.
I wonder if i spelled anesthesiologist correctly?
I did after spellcheck.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Tuesday, September 19, 2006


Four years ago today the Original Grand Ennui was born.

Monday, September 18, 2006

I'll take Matty Groves for the block

My new favorite Bettie Page picture.

And speaking about Nick Drake, since he recorded in the early 70s, you'd think that I would be familiar with him, you would, wouldn't you, I mean, I'm all about the early 70s, but no, I'm not familiar with him at all, I mean, before a year or two ago I hadn't even heard of him, and before tonight, when I downloaded his Pink Moon album I had never even HEARD him, and guess what, I hadn't missed a thing, I mean seriously if I had to throw a lifesaver to a drowning British Folkie, I'd throw it to Donovan, or Bert Jansch, or Sandy Denny, before I'd throw it to Nick Drake, I mean, even if Nick Drake was treading water, and waving his hands to get my attention, and yelling out ...
Hey, a little help here
I still wouldn't throw it to him.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Invention is the necessity of mothers

Ok, when I was stationed on the island of Crete I had a black friend named Wally. I guess we were both kind of outsiders, he was the only black guy, and I was the only boz, so we just sort of meshed.
We really had nothing in common. He spent his free time playing basketball badly, and getting high, while I spent my free time listening to the Jefferson Airplane and Bob Dylan and looking for secret ways to sneak into the library so no one would notice me.
We sat next to each other at work, and we would talk, and play scenes on each other, and then sometimes after a last night of working midnights we'd stop in at the airman's club and drink two for one beers at a quarter a round till we got good and drunk and yadda yadda yadda.
But really, we never hung around too much. It seems that whenever we got any free time Wally would just sort of disappear for a day or two at a time, like BAM off the face of the earth, but he'd always show up just when we were scheduled to go back to work.
Then one night, while we were on break, I was standing in the hallway of the dorm smoking a cigarette and shooting the breeze with the guy across the hall. Anyway, while we were talking Wally comes busting into the dorm and he was really high, and I don't mean normal high, he was paranoid, freaky look in his eye high. He stopped but didn't say anything, he just sort of stood there all weird and freaked out. I asked him what was up and he pulled out a switchblade and stuck it against my throat and started ranting about how the white man was the devil and ... you know that whole H Rap Brown, Malcom X, Angela Davis thing.
The guy across the hall got all bug eyed and was totally freaking out, and yeah, I was scared too, ok, I was petrified, but I knew Wally was just playing a scene, we were always playing scenes on each other at work, and this was not much different than any of his other scenes, the only difference was this was the first time he had ever stuck a knife against my throat, and since he was so high, I thought he might slip or something, and arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, slit my throat from ear to ear, but I was able to humor him, you know, I started playing a scene on him, I was playing the space cowboy to his black militant and yeah, he started laughing, and after a few minutes he got bored, or tired, or maybe he just came to his senses, and he put his knife away, and went to his room and went to bed.
Now I can't even pretend to know what happened to Wally that night, but I do know that the next time he disappeared for a couple of nights he disappeared for good!

Maybe I shouldn't post this.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Dr Marvin, Dr Leo Marvin!!!

Oh, man, I hurt tonight, my neck hurts, my right elbow hurts, and while I was waiting for this page to load the little finger on my right hand started to hurt, and I took a pain pill a couple of hours ago, and it hasn't helped a bit, of course maybe it has helped a bit, I mean without the pain pill maybe the finger next to the little finger on my right hand would be hurting too, and it's after three in the morning, and I should be asleep, but I started watching the movie What About Bob, which could just as easily be called What About Boz, because honest to god, it is all about me, and did I mention that I'm not wearing any underpants, I'm not naked or anything, I have quite a few clothes on, I'm just not wearing any underpants, and now I'm getting hungry, and I'm starting to worry that I might be watching too much reality tv, I mean, I watched the final episode of BB7 on Tuesday, and then I watched six reruns of Survivor Palau on OLN on Tuesday and Wednesday, and I'm seriously thinking about watching the new season of Survivor that starts tonight, I mean, how could I not watch it, there's four different ethnic groups I can make fun of, and yeah, I can't forget The Amazing Race, that starts on Sunday, which I have never watched before, but the commercials make it sound so good, and it has won an Emmy or two, which is television's highest honor, and I'm not sure but I think one of the contestants is a gay Muslim beauty contest winner with only one leg, and speaking about Muslims, and we were, weren't we, how come there isn't a team made up of Arab Americans on the new season of Survivor, oh, I think we know how come, don't we.

Also, I've got gum, sugar free cool green apple gum, and when you've got gum you've got everything.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Ask not what your country can do for you

Six degrees of separation between Boz and John F. Kennedy.
Ok, maybe Seven degrees of separation, but I could probably whittle it down to Six if I tried, but why bother, because you get the point.
1. One of my best online friends is AtxSuperstar.
2. AtxSuperstar is friend's with the biggest winner in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire's history.
3. Regis Philbin was the host of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.
4. Kathy Lee Gifford was cohost of Regis and Kathy Lee.
5. Kathy Lee Gifford is married to Frank Gifford.
6. One of Frank Gifford's children is married to one of Bobby Kennedy's children.
7. Bobby Kennedy is the brother of John F. Kennedy.

For extra credit: John F. Kennedy was assassinated during the filming of Footloose which starred Kevin Bacon

True or False or False or True

Answers to the Boz's true and false quiz.

A post from RW ... BS

True or False?
1. I was in a airplane that almost crashed.
2. I had tickets to see Woodstock but my parents wouldn't let me go.
3. I flunked Drivers Education twice.
4. I was in a category five hurricane.
5. My sister dated the bass player in Bob Seger's first band.
6. When I was in the Air Force I served with a guy who is now the mayor of Jackson, Mississippi.
7. I had sex in a prison.
8. I sent in an application to be on Jeopardy but never heard back from them.
9. My sister's best friend's daughter was one of Barker's Beauties on The Price is Right.
10. I was one of four finalists for Macomb County teacher of the year in 1981.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

It's Tuesday again for the first time this week

A very strange list from a very strange day.
1. I slept till 2 PM today.
2. The reason I finally woke up was because I had a dream that I bought a five pound tomato at the gas station for ninety seven cents.
3. It's been a rainy and dreary day all day, and it was a rainy a dreary night all night.
4. The bottom sheet has come off my bed at all four corners.
5. I've read 400 pages of the 1000 page true crime novel The Executioner's Song by Norman Mailer, and I think I'm going to quit because I already know more than I need to know about Gary Gilmore the first man executed in the United States after the death penalty was reinstated in 197something.
6. I watched The Children's Hour starring Audrey Hepburn and Shirley MacLaine last night. It was one of the eight VHS tapes that I bought from the library for 8/$1.00. It was about how the repercussions of an unfounded rumor of the unnatural love between two women could ruin lives. Yeah, unnatural love ... it was 1961 and lesbians hadn't been invented yet.
7. I always liked Shirley MacLaine. She was pretty in an an unpretty sort of way.
8. I never understood the appeal of Audrey Hepburn. I think she must have been a woman's ideal of what an ideal woman should be back in the 50s and early 60s. I mean I never heard my dad say "Hey, there's an Audrey Hepburn movie playing at the Ramona this weekend, I can't wait to see it!!!"
9. Speaking about women who have an unnatural love for each other. There was a woman's softball tournament in town this past weekend and when I was in the Burger King on Sunday there were two unnatural women having a lovers quarrel.
10. Damn, my phone keeps ringing, but it only rings two and a half times and then it stops. I'm pretty sure it's my niece trying to call me because she calls once a week, and she's got this cell phone with a speaker phone option and for some reason she is in love with that option, and I think that is why the phone rings only two and a half times and then stops.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Let's do the time warp ... baby!!!

Once, when I was in college I was dating this girl named Maureen, and one Friday we drove down to Royal Oak to the Royal Oak Theater to see a midnight screening of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. It was Maureen's idea.

I had heard about the cult following and the weird goings on during these midnight showings of TRHPS, and it really wasn't my sort of thing, but Maureen was hot and had egg plant colored hair, and I mean how could you not be hot if your hair was eggplant colored, and I hope to god it was a dye job, but since I never got to see the carpet I can't say for certain.

Anyway, it was about as I expected, and except for the part where all the Janet's from the audience got on stage in their bras and slips I was pretty bored, and that was that except for the thirty some mile ride back to campus.

It was mid October, and the sky was crystal clear, and the trees had just started losing their leaves, and there was frost on the ground.

It was early morning, and there was no traffic as we drove north on I-75 and we had just gotten within range of the campus FM radio station.

The station was playing non-stop blues, you know, Muddy Waters, Buddy Guy, Elmore James, Howling Wolf, that kind of stuff.

Maureen and I weren't talking much. I think she was a little pissed that I couldn't get into the whole Rocky Horror thing. So we mostly just sat in silence and listened to the radio.

Just as we approached our exit and I put on my turn signal the radio cut out right in the middle of Back Door Man by Willie Dixon.

I asked Maureen to find another station, and she bent over and started twisting the dial. There was nothing, not even static.

It was an old car and a cheap FM radio that I had installed myself and I just thought it's time had come to crap out on me, so I turned the radio off.

We were now on a back road about 5 miles from campus.

That's when I heard the sound for the first time.

It was a whirring sort of sound.

I asked Maureen if she could hear anything, and she said no.

I told her to listen real hard, but still nothing.

Then I rolled down the window, and WHIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, it was deafening.

Maureen covered her ears and screamed.

I slammed on the brakes, and the car stalled.

I looked at Maureen and gave her a shut the fuck up look, and she did, but she was scared, you could tell just by the look in her eyes, and I felt kind of bad.

I tried to restart the car, once, twice, three times, but nothing happened, the engine wasn't even turning over.

All at once the noise stopped and it was dead silent.

Suddenly, it felt like a thousand search lights were shining into the car.

I reached over and grabbed Maureen's hand.

It felt like a giant magnet was lifting the car skyward ...

The next thing I remembered was parking in the lot across from Maureen's dormitory and walking her to her room.

I was desperately tired and didn't protest when she didn't invite me into her room.

I just wanted to get back to my place and go to bed.

But first I had to take a leak. I had to take a leak real bad.

So when I got down to the lobby of Maureen's dorm I ducked in the men's john and locked the door behind me.

I unzipped my pants and reached in and pulled it out and went about doing my business, but something seemed funny, you know, out of place or something, but I just couldn't put my finger on it.

When I was finished I was curious, so I undid my belt, and unbuttoned my jeans, and pulled them down off my hips just a bit.

A little silver token with some kind of weird writing on it fell to the floor, and I swear to god I was wearing Maureen's underpants!!!

End of chapter one.

Friday, September 08, 2006

I've been tagged

Eight Truths About Me
This will be hard for me because truth and blogging, at least for me, do not go hand in hand. So I'm only going to do one at a time because I'm afraid the strain might cause a nervous breakdown.

1. When I was five years old my grandfather came over for dinner one night. While he was saying grace I reached over and started to get a spoonful of green beans and my mother scolded me. After that I refused to eat vegetables of any kind for over thirty years.

Nip it, nip it in the bud

I've gone back to Haloscan comments because since I've changed over to Blogger BETA some people have had trouble leaving comments on Blogger Comments, and this is just another way for me to stick it to the MAN, with the MAN being Google.
I should probably feed the bird now.

It happened to me, it can happen to you

Imagine it is three in the morning, you are 18 years old, and you're sitting in the Contitental Trailways Bus Station in Fort Myers Florida drinking a Coke, waiting for your sister to get off work from the hospital across the street.
You're sitting in a booth by yourself watching a woman in her mid thirties, with a fake English accent, who is obviously a little drunk, trying to get one of the three off duty cab drivers sitting at the counter to give her a free ride home, with vague promises of sexual favors ...
And this song comes on the juke box.
What would you do?

Thursday, September 07, 2006

A book is just a book, but a good cigar is a smoke

So, I'm trying to put together a list of my ten favorite books of all time, yeah, I know, but I want to do it, because I like lists, but you know it's hard, and I haven't come up with a list yet, but without a doubt Catch-22 by Joesph Heller is my favorite book, wait, maybe it should be favorite novels of all time, yeah, I like that better, and Catch-22 would then be my favorite novel of all time, and for sure we have to have something by Vonnegut, and the obvious choice would be Slaughterhouse-Five, and yeah, I really liked it, but I'm leaning more to picking Cat's Cradle or The Sirens of Titan, and then there is Stephen King and The Stand would be a good choice, but I'll tell you, the last novel I read by King has really stuck with me, and because of that I think I'll go with Hearts In Atlantis, because that is one book that when I was finished reading it I wished that it could have gone on and on and on.
Ok, that's what, three, good.
Let's see, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey, yeah, that's way up there, and oh man, how could I forget Robinson Crusoe by Daniel DeFoe, that was the first big person book I ever read when I was like seven years old and the librarian wasn't going to let me take it out until she had me read a passage to her out loud, and then she clucked her tongue a couple of times and said ...
Well, I guess I made a mistake
And she let me check it out.
What else???
Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck has a good chance of making it.
Decline and Fall and A Handful of Dust by Evelyn Waugh were both really good.
Hmmmm, Huckleberry Finn by Twain???
How about Been Down So Long it Looks Like Up to Me by Richard Farina, it's one of the few books that I've read more than twice.
Oh, The Natural by Malamud, I really liked that, and Rabbit Run by Updike, yeah, both of them, and did I spell Malamud's and Updike's names correctly, yeah, I guess I did.
On the Road by Kerouac, ahhhhh, I don't know, maybe.
How many is that, I've lost track.
My mind has just gone blank.
I'll get back to this some day.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

James, is that you?

Ok, here's the thing.
I had a doctor's appointment yesterday, a follow up to my spinal surgery in Julu, or should I say July.
Anyway, my appointment was for 1:15 so I got there at 1PM and as soon as I got to the reception area they told me that the doctor was running late because he had to perform an emergency surgery that morning, and that his Saginaw office was supposed to call me, but they didn't, and the Tawas Office, the office that I was at, had called me, but they had called me after I had left, so they told me that my appointment would be at least an hour to an hour and a half late, so I said what should I do, and they said, you can sign in and come back in an hour or so, or you could just wait in the office, or you could just reschedule, well, I didn't want to reschedule because I had already been rescheduled once, and I didn't want to set around the office, so I signed in and told them I'd be back in an hour.

Now I could have came home and waited, but I didn't, I went and walked around the Evil Empire for awhile and then I went to the Burger King and had a hamburger kids meal, the toy sucked by the way, and then I went back to the doctor's office, but I still had about a twenty minute wait, so I just stayed in the car and read the book I had brought with me, The 158 Pound Marriage by John Irving, yeah, the guy who wrote Garp, and the Hotel New Hampshire, and Cider House Rules, and it's about wife swapping, and it took place in the early 70's when wife swapping was all the rage, but I digress ...

At 2PM I went back inside and checked back in and they told me it would be a few minutes, well, the few minutes turned into 45 minutes, but actually I didn't mind too much, because I had gotten interested in my book, and the time passed by fairly quickly.

So, when I saw the doctor I told him that I still had a lot of pain, then he put me through some exercises, you know, push forward, pull back, stand up, one leg up, the other leg up, and then he said that he wanted me to get some x-rays.

Ok, since the doctor's office is in the hospital all the staff had to do was write up a work order and I could walk over to the x-ray department, get the x-rays taken, and walk back to the doctor's office and get my results.

Sounds simple right? Well, yeah, but you didn't factor in the mass stupidity of the doctor's staff.

I got to the x-ray department and turned in my work order and then sat down in the EMPTY waiting room. After about ten minutes the x-ray tech came in and asked if I were James, I said no, and she then asked if there had been anyone else in the waiting room, and I said no, she then looked perplexed, but I of course knew what had happened because they had fucked it up the last time I had come in for an MRI. So I told the tech that it was my work order, but the receptionist who had filled it out, while she was carrying on non work related conversations with three other staff members, had put the name of the patient before on the work order instead of mine, so the tech called the doctor's office and got it all straightened out, and blah, blah, blah, I got my x-rays taken and went back to the doctor's office to get the results.

Well, it was all pretty anticlimactic after that. The doctor looked at the x-rays, said that I hadn't healed completely, but that was to be expected, and there weren't any complications, and he wanted to see me in six more weeks, unless I wasn't hurting and in that case I could just cancel the appointment.

So, that was it, except that the receptionist who filled out the work order tried to blame me for her mistake by saying that I was there the whole time she was filling it out and should have caught her mistake, but I was just so relieved that nothing was wrong with my neck that I just let it slide. I'm like that at times.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

A dog's life

The dog lay on the porch motionless, one eye open, surveying the road in front of him.
He could feel the man before he could see him. He could feel fear, the man's fear. When the man came into view about one hundred yards down the road the dog stirred slightly, his ears perking up for just a second. The man continued walking in the direction of the house. The man, who had been looking down while he walked, looked up for the first time and noticed the dog on the porch. The man altered his course slightly towards the far side of the road. The dog was still lying motionless, but he was now wide awake and poised. The man stared at the dog and quickened his pace. An almost imperceptible growl started deep down in the dog's stomach and moved into his throat. The man thought he noticed the dog baring his teeth, he once again quickened his pace while looking around for a stick, or a stone, anything he could use as a weapon. The dog's growl became more guttural, his every muscle tightened. The dog was ready to move. The man was starting to panic.

The front door to the house opened. The dog heard his master's voice. It was his master's food voice. The dog paused for a second and considered his options. His master's food voice called him one more time and the dog got up and went into the house, he was starved.