Tuesday, October 31, 2006

My scariest halloween

Originally posted on the RW ... BS in October 2004.

The story is completely true ... dun dun dun.
My scariest halloween was when I was 12 years old and the last time I went out trick or treating.
Wesley and I started out together but after going down Quinkert and Park we decided to split up, he wanted to go down Ruthdale and Kelly, while I wanted to go down Common Road and Eastland.
Ruthdale and Kelly were part of our subdivision and there were a lot of houses, but that also meant a lot of kids and the chance that the houses had already run out of candy.
Common Road and Eastland were streets that bordered our subdivision where there were fewer, but nicer houses increasing your chances of getting better candy. The down side was there was a lot of traffic and the streets were both dark and scary at night.
I went down Common Road first and it was good. I ran into a lot of friends and made a pretty good haul, and then I cut over to Eastland.
It was getting pretty late, I guess it must have been about eight thirty and a lot of the houses on Eastland had already turned their porchlights off, but there were still a few lights on and damned if I was going to waste my last trick or treating night.
Oh yeah, I guess I should have told you what I dressed up as.
Umm, well you see, I had a mother and two sisters and ...
Yeah, I dressed up like a girl.
Dress, hat, make-up, the whole nine yards.
I feel such shame relating this now some forty years later.
You've seen pictures of me at that age, I looked a little fey on the best of days.
It got to be a drag, no pun intended, when I had to take off my hat and show off my brushcut to prove that I was really a guy.
So, I'm walking down Eastland, and there is this house back off the street maybe a couple of hundred feet. The house was dark, but they did have a red porch light on so I went up and gave it a shot.
I yelled out "trick or treat" and the door creaked open slightly and this guy dressed like the devil stuck his head out.
It freaked me a little bit. He was wearing some kind of red leotard outfit complete with horns and tail and an evil little devil mustache, and don't forget that the house was dark!
In a real low spooky voice he said that I really didn't deserve any candy because I didn't dress up, then I said "hey, I'm a guy" and took off my hat.
He got an evil gleam in his eye and sort of looked around and said "ok, ok, ok, the candy is in the kitchen, come on inside and wait while I get if for you."
Duhhhhhhh, I may have fallen off the pumpkin truck but I hadn't fallen off it the night before.
I made some excuse like I had to get home and get my sister's clothes back to her or something.
He sounded disappointed and tried to coax me in ...
I said I really had to get going.
He told me it would only take a minute and then he opened the door and grabbed my arm.
Man, was I scared, I didn't know whether to faint or kick him in the balls.
I broke loose started running away and with a voice choked with false bravado I called him a dumb stupid queer.
I didn't stop running till I was just a couple houses from home.
But I didn't tell my parents, I didn't tell anybody.
In fact this is the first time that I have told anybody about ...
dun dun dun
My Brush With Halloween Hell!!!

Monday, October 30, 2006

Sunday, October 29, 2006

If you act within the next thirty minutes I will include at no extra cost ...

The BOZDIET™ Attempted Infomercial

My pumpkin has melanoma

So anyway, I discovered last night that my pumpkin has melanoma and it it getting worse by the day. I am afraid it will have to go under the knife tomorrow if there is to be any hope of saving it. Knife ... tomorrow ... get it???
Man, I love good pumpkin humor.

In other news.
The first day of my new BOZDIET™ went well. I didn't eat until 3:30 pm, and I suffered no ill effects besides the usual paranoia and self-loathing, but I attributed that more to the end of DST than I did to the new BOZDIET™. Also, while at the drug store I was able to resist the siren song of the Cadbury Milk Chocolate Bar that so enticingly beckoned me.

Eleven day growth

I can't believe I am up and wide awake at 8:27 am, so I am going back to bed.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Friday, October 27, 2006

My pumpkin has a brain tumor!

So, I went out and bought a pumpkin today from a self serve pumpkin farm. Self serve pumpkin farm ... you know what that means don't you? It means you pay $1.00 for a pumpkin with a $4.00 price tag.
And do I feel guilty for practically, but not quite, stealing a pumpkin? No, I mean, they were practically begging to get ripped off, it said self serve and they had a can for the money, and speaking about honesty, if they were so honest how come they had the can bolted down, so what was I supposed to do. You know, I haven't been the same since the five years I spent in the Psychiatric ward of a VA Hospital back in the 70's after staring down Charlie from the wrong end of a bayonet trying to insure your freedom, and yes, the freedom of all the pumpkin farmers in all the great states of this great country of ours.
Sieg Heil!!!
I mean ...
God Bless America!!!
Besides, my pumpkin has a brain tumor, and how am I supposed to deal with that, and I swear to god, when I was carrying the pumpkin into the house it said to me ...
Mom, hold me, my head hurts.

A boz poll

Multiple answers are acceptable.
One vote per day.

What should I do about my facial hair ... did I say FACIAL!!!
Grow a full beard.
Grow a goatee.
Grow a mustache.
Keep it clean shaven.
Shave everything including your eyebrows.
Don't ask me.
Why shouldn't I ask you?
Because I don't care.
Just don't ask me next time you have a femhyg question!
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Driving through the country on an autumn afternoon

I went out looking for a pumpkin farm to buy a pumpkin today, but all the pumpkin farmers must have gotten together and organized, like OPEC did in the 70's, and they really raised the prices ... fascist bastards.
So instead I went to Kmart because I saw they had 2 Liter 7-Up on sale for 77 cents a bottle, and I thought I'd get a couple bottles of Diet Cherry 7-Up, but either they were out of it, or they don't make it anymore because they didn't have any ... any ... any.
But ...
While looking through the bargain racks I found these two baseball caps, and they were marked down from $11.99 to $1.00 each. So I bought them instead, and I'm glad I did, because you can't wear a pumpkin or a bottle of 7-Up.

I wonder if the Manson family wore Beatles baseball hats?
Death to Pigs
Healter Skelter

I wonder if the Beatles wore Jimi Hendrix baseball hats?
'Scuse me while I kiss this guy.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Early Wednesday morning at the movies.

I'm bored.

I should start my novel.

They got out of the car ...
The two men got out of the car ...
The bank robbers jumped out of the moving car, their guns blazing ...

Screw it.

I'm still bored.
I should watch a movie.
Nashville is on TCM in about twenty minutes.
Geraldine Chaplin is in Nashville.
Her father is Charlie Chaplin.
Her grandfather is Eugene O'Neill.
She was very good in Doctor Zhivago.
I saw Doctor Zhivago at the United Artists Theater in downtown Detroit in the spring of 1966 on a class outing.
Back then all the big movies opened downtown.
I think that's the only movie I ever went to see downtown.
I usually saw movies at places called The Ramona, or The Jewel, or The Macomb, or the East Wood, or The Roseville.
I saw most of my movies at the Roseville.
It was our neighborhood theater.
I saw The Incredible Shrinking Man at the Roseville Theater with my old man after him and my mother had a big arguement about who knows what.
I saw The Creature From The Black Lagoon at the Roseville with my sister at a Saturday matinee, and afterwards we stopped for french fries and cherry Cokes at the Delight restaurant.
I saw Pinocchio with my mother at the Roseville one Friday night after stopping off at the doctor's office to get a polio shot ...
Oh man, Nashville is about to start, so I'd better stop, and go take a leak, because there aren't any commercials on TCM, but hey, they do show tits, and there are tits in Nashville, and thank god they aren't Geraldine Chaplin's tits ...
Time to go.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

If I lived in Turkey I'd still think about you

Ten reasons why I am awake at 2:40 in the morning
1. Who can sleep when global warming is right around the corner?
2. They're showing tits on Turner Classic Movies.
3. I'm trying to figure out just who Goliath represented in Davey and Goliath, was he God, was he Jesus, was he Mack the Knife???
4. I'm watching my beard grow in the reflection of my monitor.
5. I'm trying to channel the guy who played Anthony on Designing Women.
6. I'm monitoring the Sirens of Titan for any unusual activity.
7. I'm trying to get the aluminum foil out of my teeth.
8. Um, eight is always a tough one.
9. I'm trying to break up a fight between Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and the guy they didn't make a movie about.
10. There are retarded teenage boys outside my bedroom window, and they've got crayons.

A rabbi and a harridan walk into a bar

I have been kind of distraught lately.
A van load of teenage retarded boys passed me on the highway yesterday.
I don't mean they were retarded in the hip cool way you young people use the word retarded, I mean they were retarded as in crayons up the nose and zipping their shirt in their fly retarded.
Ok, a retard wasn't driving the van, and by the way, it was a long van, I mean, there must have been eight retarded teenagers all strapped in and ready to go to a Chris Burke concert, but no, a retard wasn't driving the van, it was a retard's mom who was driving the van, and on the scale of pro-active moms, retard moms rank just above soccer moms in their devotion to their spawn, and if this post isn't making much sense it's because I am distraught, but I already said that, didn't I.
Oh, yeah, this made me distraught because I thought I was going fast when they passed me.
I'm sorry, this isn't working out like I planned.
Honestly, my brain has turned to mush.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Five day growth

The weekend

Gabcast! The Grand Ennui #3

And how was your weekend?
I've already forgotten what I talked about in this gabcast ... GABCAST!!!
So, if I forgot to mention it, my full beard is coming along fine, I've hardly even noticed it, no scratching or nothing, and I think I'll like it, and I haven't had a full beard in 22 years, so yeah, I guess that's it for now.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Fall color

Right click and open in new window for full size pics.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

What's different about Boz?

Gabcast! The Grand Ennui #2

Just think about it first, that's all I ask, ok?

It's three thirty in the morning, and it's raining, and I just finished watching Biloxi Blues and I can't sleep.
I'm thinking about growing a full beard, but I am afraid it will be entirely white, or grey, or fuchsia, but, no, I really am thinking about growing a full beard, but if I did, or do, I'd have to shave the beard I have now off, because it would be all out of phase, and that wouldn't be nice, so just forget I said anything about it.
Speaking of Biloxi, and the Blues, I spent six months in Biloxi, and five of the months I had the blues, but I did drink a lot of beer, and have sex with hookers, and I saw a lot of movies too, and I was only 18, but I had my 19th birthday, which I don't remember, when I was down in Biloxi, and had the five month Biloxi blues.
I went to tech school when I was in Biloxi, and for the life of me I don't know how I passed, but I did, well, I passed mostly because they had a hurricane the day I was supposed to have my final exam, and they figured it must be a sign of some sort, so they passed me.
I smoked a lot of cigarettes too, I think I smoked Winstons, but I think I changed over to Marlboro, while I was in Biloxi with the Biloxi five month blues.
I'm not sure what kind of beer I bought, I just drank it because it was expected of me, I guess, because I never liked the taste of beer, but I was too young to buy booze, because you had to be 21 going on 21 and a half to buy booze even in Biloxi where with or without the Biloxi five month blues.
So yeah, I was in Biloxi with the Biloxi five month blues when man first walked on the moon, and they gave us the day off so we could watch it on television, and I did watch it on television, sort of, I sort of watched it on television while I was involved in a hot poker game, which I ended up being the big winner of, so take that and your one small step, and stick it in your ditty bag, and yeah, while I was in Biloxi with the Biloxi five month blues, I actually had a ditty bag, we all had ditty bags, so go figure, ummmmm, I'm tired now, so I'm going to bed, and if you ever meet a hooker named Gloria, tell her "hi" from boz.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Sunday, October 15, 2006

I am Bob Saget

I'm pretty sure that I'm Bob Saget.

Full House Bob Saget
: DJ, Michelle, and the one I can't remember the name of, I am very disappointed in you, you know you aren't supposed to touch Uncle Jessie's hair care products.

America's Funniest Home Videos Bob Saget
: (in funny voice voice over) Doh, I got hit in the balls with a plastic baseball bat, and man does it hurt!!!

For Hope Bob Saget: You're my sister Hope, but I hate you and I wish you were dead ... Oh my god, I didn't mean it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm Bob Saget.
I mean, who else could I be ... David Caruso???

Saturday, October 14, 2006


I slept till two thirty.
I'm feeling better.
Except that I still ache.
And my head hurts.
I just took a shower.
The first one since Wednesday night.
My glasses are all steamed up.
No, I didn't wear them in the shower.
It's just that these glasses are always getting steamed up for no reason.
I'm going to watch the baseball game at four thirty.
But not the one at eight thirty.
Ok, I might check in and see what the score is on the game at eight thirty.
And, of course, if the four thirty game gets out of hand I'll probably turn it off.
I took a pain pill before my shower.
I still haven't brushed my teeth.
But I will before now and then.
I am thinking about getting dressed.
Because I should go check the mail.
But I'm sweaty from my shower.
Am I the only one who gets sweaty after a shower?
I need to make my bed too.
It's pretty easy though.
I throw the pillows on the floor.
I rip the bed covers off.
I straighten and tuck in the sheets.
I throw one bed cover in a heap at the side of the bed.
I put the other bed cover on the bed.
I throw the pillows against the headboard.
That gives it a casual look.
And the bed is made.
The bird is making a lot of noise.
I think I'd better feed her.
I just pulled the bandaid off from my flu shot.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

New Bozcast

Over there, in the sidebar, right near the top, can you see it?

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

What is the matter with Eve Plumb

Top search requests for The Grand Ennui

1. deep purple goat head stew ... I'm pretty sure that was the Stones.
2. LITTLE ANNIE FANNIE FUCKING PICTURES ... let me check my Playboy stash under the bed.
3. lymph node swells when i smoke .... then don't DO THAT!!!
4. goldie hawn chin implant - I'll have to ask Pisser she's the expert on Hollywood glitterati.
5. gidget banana pussy ... see #16.
6. Alfalfa's "hate" poem to darla ... Oh Darla, you slut, let me see your butt.
7. +barber +shave -pig -himself -"four heads" ... worth two in the bush.
8. puffies blogspot ... I'm starting one tomorrow.
9. sex with farrah ... hasn't everybody?
10. crazy cousins ... that would Michael and Marcia.
11. bug breasted grand mothers ... during the 1950's the army tested all sorts of nuclear devices then one day at a senior citizens home just outside of Last Chance New Mexico ... IT HAPPENED!!!
12. boz sauce ... don't even go there.
13. Cheryl Tiegs stockings ... honest officer I bought them on Ebay.
14. grand movie clack - clacktu barada nikto???
15. how to handle mean drunk syndrome ... whassa mattah, ya don' like me me when ah drink???
16. little man in the boat ... see #5
17. BOZ eyeglasses ... coming soon to finer optometry offices everywhere.

Therefore I am

I think ...
1. I'll start a Russian language blog.
2. That the North Koreans have really funny names.
3. In a former life I was an Amway distributor.
4. I should contact everyone that I went to college with and see if they remember me.
5. I think I should go to Japan and drink whiskey purchased out of a vending machine.
6. I would have made a good late night disk jockey on some kind of jazz station, even though I hate jazz more than Johnny does.
7. I think I'll pull the telephone out of the wall the next time I get a recorded political vote for (fill in the blank) message.
8. I think it is time to make spaghetti for dinner again.
9. With crusty crust french bread.
10. The next time Star Jones knocks on my door I'll let her in, isn't Star a lovely name?

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Monday, October 09, 2006

My Left Foot

Ten things from today.
1. Four soccer moms passed me in their SUVs within a quarter mile stretch of highway.
2. I somehow hurt my right middle finger and now it is all swollen up.
3. I made a stick to your ribs dinner for MB.

Stick to your ribs dinner (cornbread not pictured)

4. I had to buy a new computer mouse.
5. I used the men's room at the Evil Empire, they have urinals that flush automatically.
6. I checked the mail twice today, but there wasn't any either time, is this a holiday?
7. I went grocery shopping and spent almost twenty dollars ... make that thirty dollars.
8. I added Mannaz to my links, he is #1 and #2 on Google for Panther Gum Seven.
9. My left foot is really hurting, so I think I'll title this post My Left Foot, you know, like the movie.
10. I think I'll take a pain pill, geez, does my swollen finger ever look weird.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

Essentials for a Saturday drive

Perversion 1965

... once a person is perverted it is practically impossible for that person to adjust to normal attitudes in regards to sex.

Friday, October 06, 2006

But for the grace of God go I

So, does anyone want to stay up all night?
We could just talk or something.
Maybe we could listen to some music.
I've got a shitload of songs on my hard drive.
Let's see what I've got ...
I'm trying to find that one Brian Eno CD I have, hold on a second, it's got to be here somewhere.
Yeah, this is it Taking Tiger Mountain.
Sounds pretty good doesn't it.
Yeah, he used to be in Roxy Music, but he quit after the second album, I think.
What do you think of Gabcast?
I like it.
And the gabbly chat, that's pretty nice too.
I swear to god, when I woke up this morning I just felt like rolling over and dying. I really hurt that bad. I don't know what it was. It might be the weather, it might be anything, but damn, I could barely walk.
Hold on, Brian Eno just isn't cutting it tonight, yeah, I could tell you didn't like it either.
Let's see if I can find something else, ok.
Rabbit Fur Coat by Jenny Lewis with the Watson Twins???
Well, it's up to you.
Ok, fine, yeah, ok, Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins.
Oooooh, I really like Rise Up With Fists.
What's good for a raspy throat?
No, don't ask, you don't want to know what caused it.
Screw it, I feel like I'm talking to myself.
I'm going to bed.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Dead Man Walking

Happy 60th Birthday to Susan Sarandon.

There is just something about Susan Sarandon's eyes that have always freaked me out. She has eyes just like my aunt, my old man's sister, and there was something about my aunt that freaked me out too.
MB likes to tell the story that back in WWII when my old man was in the army that my aunt was dating a guy that was a drummer in a band, and my aunt liked to go to the bar where his band was playing, but she didn't like to go alone, so my aunt would ask MB to go along with her.
When my old man came home on leave and he found out about MB and my aunt going to this bar he blew his stack ...
As MB tells the story, it was a gay bar, or as she called it a queer bar, only she didn't pronounce it queer she pronounced it more like choir, and how my old man knew it was a choir bar, well, that part I don't know, and I think I'd better stop now because I'm starting to feel a little creepy writing a post about my parents with Susan Sarandon's boobs staring me in the face.

I am really stoked, but only if people still say that

I have been asked by Mr DVL, husband of DVL, to help out their daughter EML in a school project. EML has to send a paper cut out of a character named FLAT STANLEY to friends around the world, and these friends have to take a photograph of FLAT STANLEY in surroundings that represent the area in which they live, and then mail it back. For instance I could take a picture of FLAT STANLEY by the Lake Huron shoreline, or in front of the Tawas City Burger King, and I'm wondering just where I stand in "the friends around the world" rankings, I'm hoping I'm at least in the somewhere in the Top 50, and I hope that someone didn't back out at the last moment, and I'm just an emergency selection, you know like when you have a dinner party and the guy you set up with your weird cousin gets sick, and then you have to find someone else on short notice, and I bet that guy wasn't sick after all, I bet he just found out how weird your weird cousin really is, I mean, I just don't want to be the replacement guy for the weird cousin, unless of course the weird cousin has a nice rack and a lot of money.
I am taking this very serious, because if EML gets an A on this project it may inspire her to buckle down in school, and yeah, I'm sure she buckles down now, so imagine how good she could do if she really buckled down, I mean she could become her high school valedictorian, and ace her SATs, and turn down a soccer scholarship to Stanford for an academic scholarship to Harvard, and then she could write a really important book, then marry a rock star, then become the third female president of the United States, after Hillary Rodham Clinton, and that Chinese girl that used to be on the View.
So you can see why it is imperative that I do the best job possible here!

Monday, October 02, 2006

So, a man walks up to me on the street and says

I don't know what the world is coming to.
I fell asleep at 2:20 this morning, which isn't a bad time for me, and then I woke up at 4:30, and I didn't roll over and fall right back to sleep like you're supposed to do when you wake up at 4:30 in the morning, oh no, I WOKE UP woke up at 4:30 in the morning.
I was like one of those hopped up dopeheads from Reefer Madness. I was wide awake, I was wide fucking awake, and I just laid/layed there, there, there, there.
Then I made a big mistake, yeah, I turned on the tv, oh, I guess at about 5:00 and just started surfing around, you know how that is, don't you ... DON'T YOU!!!
I dunno, TCM had the remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and maybe it's just me, but I prefer the original, sooooooooo, I surfed on over to TBS and one of my all time favorite movies was on.
Yeah, you guessed it Captain Ron was on. Oh, man, I love that movie. Kurt Russell gives an Oscar worthy performance, and Martin Short ... well let me just say this about Martin Short, this is his best work since the first time Ed Grimley DippityDoed his way on to SCTV oh so many years ago.
And Mary Kay Place ... Mary Kay Place ... I've had a soft spot for her since she played Loretta Haggers on Mary Hartman Mary Hartman in the mid 70s, and man do I miss the mid 70s, but I don't know, and errrrrgh my mind just went blank.
Yeah, blank, blank, blank, blank .............
I think this is where they play the National Anthem.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Inspired by a recent search request

What's The Matter With Eve Plumb?

The last temptation of rice

Sunday morning.
Really bored.
I slept most of the day.
But got up long enough to cook, then eat spaghetti.
I also had either 4 or 6 Little Debbie Snack Cakes.
And really that's about all I've done today.
Oh, I did watch parts of the movie The Third Man, the parts I didn't watch the last time I watched it.
Wow, really that it's.
Man, I really slept a lot today.
I forgot, I took a shower too, and then I ate some left over spaghetti, which was left over from earlier today.
Yeah, that's really it.
I didn't even shave.
Or take a pain pill.
I wonder if there is something good on TV now.
Nope, not much.
I just sneezed about ten times and now I've got a crick in my neck.
People are dying all over the place.
My stomach is growling.
But it's too late to eat.
Yeah, that's it.