Twats and Bazooms

Twats is rapidly catching up to bazooms as my top keyword search, and this intrigued me, so I did a Google image search for "twats and bazooms" and here are some of the more interesting results.
Hit it Riddle!!!






Eh, they can't all be Pulitzer worthy.

If you can parallel park the world is your oyster.

The year I learned to drive ...
There was a riot in Detroit



And I dreamt about girls that looked like this when they were asleep when I was asleep.

And the city tore up the street that I lived on.

And I stole a STOP sign.

And I almost flunked out of high school.

And I smoked cigarettes.

And I cursed the man.

Fuck you man!!!

If you've lost count this is where we left off.

I'm really tired, and I should really go to bed, and I really should find another word to use in the place of really, because I mean REALLY!
Anyway, the generic Nyquil has really (doh) done a number on me.
I was trying to watch a movie, an Argentinian movie, on HBO, but it was a comedy, sort of, and sort of comedies are kind of hard to keep up with when you're generic Nyquilified, and there are subtitles, but don't get me wrong, I prefer subtitles to dubbing, just not when my powers of concentration are impaired do to the hour and the generic Nyquil, and I was just distracted by Nancy Sinatra Jr singing These Boots Were Made For Walking, and I don't know why I brought that up, it's just that I've been staring blankly at the monitor for about ten minutes and I figured I should type something, and the Nancy Sinatra Jr thing just popped into my mind, because truthfully I just made that part up about being distracted by the Nancy Sinatra Jr song These Boots Are Made For Walking, I actually heard that song this afternoon while in the car on a CD that I burnt for myself of nothing but Nancy Sinatra Jr songs of which These Boots Were Made For Walking was one of, and I could tell you all kinds of stories about the English band that used to play at the enlisted men's club when I was stationed on Crete, the English band with the leggy female back-up singer who actually never sang, but I'll tell you what she did do, what she did do was whenever the English band played These Boots Were Made For Walking, the leggy back-up singer who never actually sang, and the rumor going around is that she was a prostitute, but so what, and anyway whenever the English band played TBAMFW the leggy back-up singer would take center stage, and while wearing a shimmery silver mini dress and knee high boots, she would start doing a series of high leg kicks during the instrumental break in the middle of the song, which would drive most of the young, drunk, and horny enlisted men crazy, and then there was that one time when Duck Farwig, who was very drunk, but when was he not very drunk, but yeah, the very drunk Duck Farwig moved his chair right up to the edge of the stage where he claimed that he got a perfect view of the leggy back-up singers bush, and yeah back then women had bushes because Lady Bics and Brazilian wax jobs hadn't been invented yet, but Duck Farwig might have been full of shit, and beer, and hormones, and damn, prostitute or not, the leggy back-up singer was smoking hot, with her mini-dress, and her boots, and blonde hair, and did I mention her blonde hair earlier, doesn't matter, and I guess that's it, so I think I'm going to take another shot of generic Nyquil and pretend I'm a drunk and horny 19 year old enlisted man, and I wonder whatever happened to Duck Farwig and the leggy back-up singer who never actually sang.

I dreamt that I adopted Simpleton, and it was the death of us all.

Um, ok, remember when I told you I was sick as a dog, or like a dog, or because of a dog, the other day, the other day being either yesterday or today?
Well, I wasn't really sick, sick in the way I thought I was sick, it was just my sinus acting up again, and I don't know why it always takes me a few days to realize that the sick that I feel is caused by my sinus, which I sometimes proudly refer to as the worst sinus my doctor has ever seen, if one can actually see a sinus (sinii?)
So, when it finally hit me, like a shiv in the spinal cord, that it was my sinus, and not the plague ... 2007 style, (damn I can't find the "l" on my keyboard, I keep typing "k" by mistake, and maybe the "l" key is next to the "any" key of tech support lore, but I'm tangentisizing, aren't I?)
So, when it finally hit me that it was my sinus, and after the requisite forehead slap (DOH!!!) of recognition, I took a shot of generic Nyquil and slept the sleep of the dead for about two hours, and then I woke the wake of the alive, took a shower, had a half a chicken sandwich and a diet soda, and here I am, grogged but not broken, shaken but not stirred, l-less but not hekpkess, lost in a sea of Nyquility ... generic style.
The end but not the finish, so I guess I am done without making a point, again.

Ok, is Ziggy the dad or is Bob the dad?

So, I was listening to my new favorite sweetest song I have ever heard in my life, Daddy's Gone by Toots and the Maytals, and did I mention that it was about a quarter after five this evening when I was listening to mnfssihehiml, and sudddenly (suddenly, like a flash in the night ...) I started to fall asleep, and you know those dreams you have when you're not quite asleep but still not quite awake, the kind that seem really real to the real cubed, well, I was having one of those while Toots and the Guys were singing, and I had planned on telling you all about it, but after uploading Daddy's Gone, and then going to the bathroom, and getting a can of diet Cherry Pepsi, and not being able to find the straws, the straws that are always on the bar in the kitchen, I mean, because who can drinkout of a can without a straw, well, I can't anyways-s-s-s-s, and then I found the straws, and they were on the bar in the kitchen where they always are, and I don't know, my mind was probably a million miles away, and that's probably why I couldn't find the straws at first, but did eventually, and because of all that I forgot what my not quite asleep but yet not quite awake dream was, and if you really want to hear Daddy's Gone by Toots and the Maytals, you can try here ...
Or here ...
Or here ...
Or even here ...
And if any of you have ever had one of those not quite asleep but not quite awake dreams that you can REMEMBER, let me know.

Toots & the Maytals

Hey, let's all go down to the video blog store and make a video blog post

So ...

Me at Iargo, pronounced eye-r-go, Springs, like I told you I was going to do, and I'm a keeper of my word if it doesn't involve too much on my part.
It was warm, and yes, I look very spring-like.
And I guess that's it, except for the fact that I am sick as a dog tonight, and have been all day, well, most of the day, and I'm still blaming the dark chocolate that I ate last night, and I guess that's really it now, but, oh, does anyone watch Weeds on Showtime, and if you do, and if you were, or are, a lesbian, or if you were a guy who could be a lesbian for a day, would you have a lesbian crush on Mary-Louise Parker, and seriously, chicks with hyphenated names really turn me on, except for the ugly ones, or the real serious ones who just want to talk about world hunger.

Don't even think about it.

Ok, it's five in the morning, and my eyes hurt, and I'm feeling a little dizzy, and I've been up all night watching an Argentinian mini=series on HBO on Demand, and I've run to the bathroom a few times, and I had a diet Pepsi about two hours ago, but that's not a problem because it was decaf, and I've got things to do tomorrow, I mean today, and see how the lack of sleep has made me forget what day it is, and yeah, I have things to do today, like SLEEP, and go to the gym, and spend extra time because of the dark chocolate easter bunny that I ate, that might have given me diarrhea with two r's, and it's supposed to be a beautiful day, so I might go walk down the stairs at Iargo Springs, and I might walk back up the stairs at Iargo Springs, or then again, I might just pitch a tent and live at the bottom of the stairs at Iargo Springs for the rest of my life, but only if I could get Burger King to deliver, and no I don't eat at Burger King as much as you think I do, unless you think I eat there every day, and I'm running out of words, and commas, and my hands are starting to feel funny, and I hope I don't have to go back to the bathroom again, but my stomach just made that gurgling sound, so who knows ...
And they'll be pictures and a quiz sometime today unless I die in my sleep, but I'd have to sleep first for that to happen, so you figure it out, because I'm going to bed, and dream about the hard nipples of the Argentinian babe in the mini-series that I've been watching on HBO on Demand, but I think I might puke first, but yeah, she had some fine nips.

My commas can lick your commas with their interabang tied behind their backs.

Ok, I was going to make this a one of those things where I make a lot of similar posts, you know, sort of like a short story but different, but I got bored with it really quick, bored and a bad case of diarrhea, and is that two r's or two h's in diarrhea(?), and I guess spellcheck will answer that soon enough ...
And yeah, it was two r's, so I'm good to go, and I think that dark chocolate may have had something to do with the diaRRhea, but that's only speculation on my part, and oh yeah, before I forget ...
Fuck OJ, and Al, and the late Johnny Cochoran(sic), and F Lee Bailey, and the white Bronco, and the glove that didn't fit, but actually did, except that someone scrunched his hand up real good so that it wouldn't fit, and Greta Van Sustern(sic, sic, sic, sic), who just might be the ugliest lawyer turned commentator in the history of the world, and what the fuck was she thinking with the plastic surgery, because I mean, you can't make a silk purse out of a cow's ass, and my god, she is one ugly woman, and the fact that she talks out of the side of her mouth doesn't help, and I wouldn't fuck her with a ten foot pole, or my dick, or your dick, or if you don't have a dick, your strap-on, and on, and on, and on, and on.

Dark Chocolate meet the Stones, and be polite.

Bear with me a minute as I finish off this 8 ounce dark chocolate Russell Stover easter bunny.

I mean, sometimes you just have to tell your diet to go fuck itself, and tonight is one of those nights.

I think I just ate a piece of tin foil. It wasn't bad, just slightly metallic.

Seriously, I am devouring the bunny.

So, what was I going to write about tonight?

Besides dark chocolate.

And Russell, the brother that Bill Cosby slept with.

And Stover.

And tin foil.

And the Rolling Stones.

Yes, that's it, the Rolling Stones ... and how I had a chance to see them in concert in Detroit in 1964 at the Olympia Stadium, yeah, that Olympia Stadium, the place where the Red Wings and the Pistons played, and where Dick the Bruiser used to beat the shit out of Bobo Brazil, and where Joe Louis fought Two Ton Tony Galento or maybe it was one of the other bums from the Bum of the Month Club.

Ok, I didn't actually have a chance to see the Stones in 64, but then again I did have a chance to see them, but I was only 13, or maybe 14, and I had no way of getting there, and even if I did have a way of getting there, I didn't have the three or four dollars for a ticket, but really, if I did have a way to get there, and if I had the three or four dollars I could have totally seen them, and I probably could have seen them from the front row, or at least the second row, because they only sold about 250 tickets, which left about 14,750 empty seats, and about now, you're saying ...

What the Fuck!!!

And I'm replying, well yeah, it was 1964, and the Stones were just another band riding in on the coat tails of the Beatles and the British Invasion, playing recycled r&b hits from the 50's, and not really doing that very good, and I bet Freddie and the Dreamers, or the Dave Clark Five, or Herman's Hermits would have sold at least 10,000 tickets each at the Olympia, and the Stones, well, the Stones and their shitty r&b cover songs, well, it just wasn't their time, because their time was the summer of 1965 after Satisfaction, after Get Off of My Cloud, and after some other top five hit that I can't remember the name of, well, that was their time, the summer of 65 was their time, when they came back to Detroit, and sold out Cobo Hall for a bazillion consecutive nights, or maybe it was Tiger Stadium for a month of Sundays, or quite possibly it could have been Hell for Eternity, but you see, it was 1965, and that was their time.

The phone call - part 1.

"Hello Al? This is OJ pick up, pick up, pick up. C'mon Al, I know you're there, pick up, goddamnit!"

My stomach growls at the mere thought of you.

A couple of pictures I took as the sun was going down this evening, and I took them totally by accident. I mean, it was like 7:30 at night, and I was done doing all the stuff that I had to do which would take me outside, and I was just goofing around on the computer, and like I said, it was 7:30, and I figured I should close the blinds in the living room, and when I got in the living room and looked out, I was like
JESUS FUCK!!!
HOW AWESOME IS THIS???
So I got my camera, and I put my shoes on, and I think I had to put my pants on too, but I'm not sure, and then I ran over to the lake across street, and took a shit load of pics, and here are two of them, and just tell me how awesome they are, but it's not because I am a great photographer, or have a great eye, or even a great camera, but I am fairly good photographer, with a fairly good eye, and a fairly good camera, and no, I didn't retouch the photos at all, what you see is what you get, but you know what is weird, or strange, or pathetic???
The sunset lasted maybe ten minutes, and I probably missed the first five minutes of it, and the last five minutes I spent taking photographs, and I really didn't get the chance to actually ENJOY the fucking sunset!





And yeah, I guess you can click on them and go over to buzznet and see the full size print, but only of you want to, no pressure or anything.

Actually it's 40.5 pounds

I've lost forty pounds, and you haven't!!!
Not that I'm bragging or anything, but even if I was bragging or anything, I think I have a right too, and still ...
I've lost forty pounds, and if you'd like you can vicariously pretend that you've lost forty pounds through me, if that's possible, or makes sense.
Hey, why don't we take our skinny asses over to the handball courts and play a few, unless you'd rather play miniature golf, or lawn darts, and yeah, I know lawn darts are "technically" illegal, but you know us white folks and our lawn darts, you can always find a game if you know where to look, and you aren't adverse to greasing a few palms, and of course the first rule of lawn darts is you never talk about lawn darts, and it might be a good idea if you didn't talk about femhyg products either, but that's just a common sense sort of thing, isn't it.

Five years minus a week, or ten days.

I'm really starting to get into this blogging thing again. I've just been going through the motions for a year, or two, or three, or ...
But yeah, I mean, but anyway ...

So, I was at the gym today. yep, I just signed up at the community center to use the gym for a year, and at only ten bucks for the year it's a real good deal, and they've got a real good track, and maybe I'll post a picture of the track, yeah, that's what I'll do ...
Damn, I love ...
So, yeah, I was at the gym today, and there was only one other person using the track, and while she was walking she was taking phone calls on her cell, and between calls she was reading a magazine, and when she wasn't taking calls, or reading her magazine she was working a crossword puzzle, seriously, I can't make stuff like that up, so she was doing all that, and walking too, and did I mention she was very nice looking MILF, and when I say MILF, I don't actually mean that I'd LF her, but yeah, she was very nice, and she knew how to work that ass in between phone calls.


The track at the gym.

Picture tune, I mean time.

This could be my new favorite picture of myself, but I'm not sure if it's the black and white or the color that might be my new favorite picture of myself.

My nephew is so fucking weird.

And I don't mean the Grand Dufus.
I mean the Grand Dufus's's's's's's uncle.
Anyway, the weirdness he did today was sending MB a birthday card that she received today, but hasn't opened yet because she is taking a nap, and yes, if you remembered correctly MB's birthday was two weeks ago, but the weird part isn't that the card was two weeks late, no the weird part is that he addressed the card ...
TO ME!!!
And this is not a new weirdness, because for the last I don't know how many years he has addressed all of MB's cards to me, and I don't know what it is.
Is he too cool to address the card to Grandmother Boz, or GB~
I mean, he could just use MB's real name, I'm sure he knows what it is, it's the same as his mother's first name, and since he addressed the card to me, and I have the same last name as MB, he obviously knows her last name too.

In other news I found the naked picture of that chick that's in the musical about high school, and I wasn't even looking for it, it just appeared as if out of nowhere, and she isn't bad, but she is very young, and she should clean her bedroom up a little too.
And if you want the pic just drop me a line, and whatever ...

Shalom and Milla walk into a bar and ...

Wow, I just ran down my blog links over there on the right hand side of the page and ...
and ...
and ...
Nobody is blogging anymore, or at least not regularly, or at least not at the same place.
I mean, it was just a few years ago that everybody was blogging, and making seventeen posts a day, and stopping by, and leaving comments, and being funny, and rude, and poetic, and photogenic, and remember how I used to post a lot of pictures, and then I stopped that and started these really long posts, wait, before the really long post period I was doing something else but I don't remember what it was, and whatever happened to Shalom Harlow and Milla Jovovich, and all those other skinny chicks with hard nipples and hairy twats, and yes, I can say twats, because I think that's the new medical term for ... twats.
Anyway, I guess I can't quit, or move, or change, or dye my hair orange.
I mean, I guess I have to keep the faith baby, keep the fucking faith, yeah, me, the faith keeper.
So, be advised all you humanoids out there, I will be here forever, even if you aren't.
BABY!!!

Shalom and Milla for old time's sake





And aren't they just two of the greatest names you've ever heard?

Seriously, Coke makes a great douche.

I set a record today.
I had four refills on my diet Coke at the Bk.
It was the sixteen ounce cup, and they weren't completely empty when I refilled them, but still ... I'm pretty stoked about it.

A curious onlooker asks:
Boz, why do you get the sixteen ounce drink and not one of the mega sized drinks?
Boz: Because if you are 55 or over you get the sixteen ounce drink for fifty cents plus tax, and the tax is six cents on the dollar, so that would make it three cents on the half dollar, and fifty cents is a half dollar(more or less), so that would make the final cost ... fifty three cents, which with four refills is quite a deal, hold on a second, I have to take a whiz, and from now on I am always going to refer to IT as taking a whiz, and yeah, I lied about needing to take a whiz, I was just trying to be funny, but now that I think about it ...

Spellcheck loves me

So, there were these really two stupid people trying to get gas at the self serve pump today, and they couldn't figure it out, so the guy in the little booth came on over the speaker and told them what to do, and they still couldn't figure it out.
And that's my story for today.
Seriously, I am running on fumes right now.
I got about an hours sleep last night and I have been up all day saving the world from stupid people at self serve gas stations.
It took me ten minutes to sign into blogger, and you know, I'm not stupid, not stupid like those guys at the gas station today, I'm just dead tired, and I'd tell you that my eyes are bleeding but bleeding eyes are trademarkededed, but I guess I could say my eyes are oozing plasma, a blood by product, or something like a by product.
Stupid eyes.

As my fingers slowly ...

It's muggy, and windy, and the bird that mocks me is mocking me.
I just finished watching a movie that didn't make any sense, and there's that word again.
Sense, sense, sense.
The sun is starting to shine, but I think it's gonna rain.
I wonder if I sneezed ten times in a row real fast if I would reach nirvana, or something.

One time at the surgeon general's office me and wesley from across the street ...

It's 3:41 in the morning. My eyes won't focus, but I can't sleep.
Wait, that doesn't make sense.
I can't sleep.
Ok, yeah, I can't sleep, and it is 3:41 in the morning, and I'm having trouble reading what I am typing, but that doesn't make much sense either, but it's the truth.
I should write a poem.
I should write a poem about not being able to sleep.
Or maybe I should write a short story.
A short story about not being able to fall asleep.
I'll do the poem, it won't take as long.

A Poem About Not Being Able To Sleep
I can't sleep tonight
And it doesn't make sense
Because because because-e-e-e-e-e
It's way past my bed time ... no, that sucked.
Ok ...
And it doesn't make sense
In the present tense
And and and ...
Fuck it
I could use a smoke
Maybe a Marlboro, or a Lark
Or a Lucky Strike unfiltered
But at five dollars plus a pack
I'll just not sleep
Because it's cheaper
By the dozen
Or the gross
And now I'm tired
So, I won't be surfing porn like I planned
I'm just going to go to bed
And think about the woman at the bank who said she liked my shirt
And was that just a come on
Did she really just like the shirt
Or was there more to it
Questions questions questions
Answers answers answers
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls ... The Beatles!!!

No misspellings found, maybe one.

I'm going to bed now because since I have gotten skinny I need more rest, and I wish you'd give it a rest, because you know how I like to keep a low profile and deflect attention away from myself, and if I were a Bruce Springsteen song I'd be the one where he got real skinny and everyone was jealous of him, but that's just me, and if I were a song by ABBA I'd be Fernando, or maybe that one about the girl who liked to dance and became a queen after she lost a lot of weight.

Bob Dylan's on the radio

So I've lost 40 lbs, and I'm skinny.
Deal with it.
Pilgrim!

The horn of plenty

If you're ever constipated have me eat some green grapes and that should take care of it.

Pictures

Schauenfreude, canine style.

A dog tried to bark at me today while I was out walking, but he threw-up instead.

Take ten and call me in the morning

I had a dream last night that I had a giant erection.
It was huge.
I got a ruler out to measure it.
It was over twelve inches long.
I tried to take a picture of it, but it was too difficult to hold the camera and the ruler and keep it up at the same time.
Then I woke up, and it was nowhere near twelve inches.
It was very frustrating to be so close and yet so far.

I'll without the ' is just ill.

So, I'll be spending most of today thinking that it's Monday, and by the time I figure out that it's Tuesday it will be Wednesday, or April in Paris.

The sound of one had clapping meets the Bride of Frankenstein, or is that Frankenstien, no I guess not.

Chirp, chirp, chirp.

If this had been an actual emergency

I got a haircut today.
It was pretty uneventful.
After the haircut I went to Kmart.
They had a 50% off the clearance price on all clothing, but they didn't call it clothing, they called it apparel, and I got a shirt for $3.50 and a pair of shorts
for $4.50.



While standing in the check-out line I noticed they had candy bars on sale for thirty cents.
I bought a Chocolate Mocha Kit Kat bar to go with my lunch.



It went very good with lunch.
There are all kinds of severe storm warning to the south of us.
There are no severe storm warnings here.
We could use the rain, seriously.
I walked for an hour this morning while listening to my Zune (mp3 player).
The first song I heard was Paperback Writer by the Beatles.
When Paperback Writer first came out in 1966 I thought it was called PaperBAG Writer.
I turned 16 in 1966.
On my 16th birthday my old man and I went to see the Detroit Tigers play the Minnesota Twins.
It was free bat day for anyone under 16.
I lied, and got a free bat.
It was a Dick MacAuliffe autograph bat.
Dick MacAuliffe played shortstop for the Tigers.
Then when the Tigers got Ray Oyler Dick MacAuliffe played second base for the Tigers.
Ray Oyler is dead.
He was an alcoholic.
So kids, let that be a lesson to you.
If you drink, don't play shortstop for the Tigers, and if you're not sure how to spell MacAuliffe just fake it, because who's gonna know?
Amen.

Phlegm at eleven.

I bought four new pair of socks on Tuesday.



You'll notice that they aren't black.
You'll notice that they aren't white.
These non black and these non white socks are a big step for me.
I will wear them with my new skinny pants that aren't really new.
They aren't really new, but they have never been worn.
I will wear them now because they fit.
They fit because I have lost thirty three lbs in three months just like the people on the radio who did it with diet pills.

It's stuffy tonight.
I have the fan on in front of the open window, and the blinds are raised, but they are raised crookedly, and no matter how hard I try I can't get them straight, but since it is almost two in the morning I don't think that it matters, because the only people who would actually notice that the blinds are crooked would be home invaders lurking outside my bedroom window, and I think they would be more concerned with home invading and probably not even notice the crooked blinds, unless the sight of the crooked blinds pushed them/him/her over the edge and the crooked blinds were the root cause of a home invasion killing spree, film at eleven.

The end

How many diet pepsi refills is too many diet pepsi refills?

MB's birthday is on Sunday.
She will be 86 years old.
She got her hair done today.
She also had her upper lip and her chin waxed.
It cost fifty dollars.
I gave the hair dresser a five dollar tip.
The hair dresser's grandson in in the army.
He is stationed in Iraq.
He said it is hot.
When MB was finished with the hair dresser we went out for pizza.
We had a large pepperoni and we both had a diet pepsi to drink.
There were free refills on the diet pepsi.
I had four refills.
MB had zero refills.
I also finished MB's diet pepsi.
I ate seven pieces of pizza.
MB ate three pieces of pizza.
The bill came to $10.36.
MB received a birthday card from my brother in law today.
He sent her a check for fifty dollars.
We paid for the pizza out of the fifty dollars.
MB still has forty dollars left.
That's because I paid the thirty six cents out of my pocket.
When we got home I took pictures.
They are posted on buzznet.
Buzznet isn't working very well right now, but you can try later.
I will update MB's birthday extravaganza as events occur.
Later

Putting the t in t-shirt since 1965.

I bought three new t-shirts today at a dollar store that I rarely go to.
But the t-shirts didn't cost a dollar, they cost a dollar forty nine each.
Which is a good price, but not for a dollar store, because ...
Anyway, I bought three t-shirts.
All three of them are white except for the parts that aren't, and the parts that aren't are the parts that are silk screened, or printed, or yeah, the parts that aren't white.

One of the three t-shirts is a promotional t-shirt for an urban music festival that took place in Chattanooga Tennessee in 2005, but you want to know what is slightly spooky? It took place on AUGUST 20TH in 2005, and if you look at the date at the end of this post, yeah, that's right, today is August 20th!!!

The second t-shirt is for the Navy, I guess they were a promotion to get people to consider joining the Navy, or to consider going to a Village People re-union concert, and damn, my right index finger hurts, and the right index finger is the only finger I use on my right hand when I type, so, as you can imagine, I am in great pain right now, and yeah, it's odd, I use all four fingers on my left hand, which is my off hand, because I am right handed, and yet ...
I only use one finger on my right hand, which I already mentioned, and perhaps I should mention that I hurt my right index finger when I jammed it repeatedly while washing windows the other day.

The third t-shirt commemorates the 10th Anniversary of the Moon Pie-RC Cola Festival that took place in Historic Bell Buckle Tennessee, that's Bell Buckle, not Belt Buckle, and since it took place in 2004 I guess it would be the 13th anniversary, and my finger is really throbbing now so I am going to close, and I tell you what, I'll just take a picture and post it, ok.

Saturday is the only day that starts with sat.

Ok, I am officially skinny.



And a lady at the store liked my shirt.
And a lady on buzznet said my pants were too long.
And I walked till my heel hurt today.
And I bought a new belt today because all my other belts were either too big, or they were falling apart.
And I don't have any suspenders.
And did I ever tell you that I haven't used a comb since I got out of the air force, mostly because my hair used to be too long, and now it is too thin ...
Thin like me ... hahahaha
And I forgot to say that I use a brush.
Yeah, a brush.
And the way that video overlaps the sidebar is, well, I'm just anal enough that the video that overlaps the sidebar is irritating, not irritating enough to make me lose sleep over it, because I only lose sleep thinking about Gary Sinise and frozen grapes, and a strange high school girl with bleeding eyes, and a fist full of quarters, and a diary full of smiley faces, and ahhhhhhh
Yeah, but not enough to change it.

Lights, cameras, traction!!!

Remember that short story that I started but never intended to finish back in May of this year?
The one about the call to the 911 operator about two men fighting outside my bedroom window, well, not my bedroom window, but the guy in the short story's bedroom window.
Well, I also posted it as a journal entry on my buzznet account, and I just found out yesterday that one of my buzznet friends wants to make a short film about it. He's new at this, but he is serious, serious enough that he has asked a friend of his who is a graduate of the film school at USC for some help in the production, ok, it's not going to end up at Sundance, and it will probably be an internet thing, but still, you know, it's not a WOW!!!!
But I am kind of excited to see how it turns out.
Here is a test video that he shot.



And this is what he said about the project.
Boz Test
A few months back, Boz wrote the intro to a short story that involved a humorous 911 call. Iit's posted in his May journal, I think.)When I read it, I was struck at the great potential for a short film. I'm still in the planning stages, but I was to do a short test in the meanwhile. Eventually, I'd like to stage a fight and include the 911 operator because the dialog between the caller and operator are pretty great. I hope Boz doesn't mind!

Tra la.

It's always something, but it could be something else

Ten newsworthy things that happened in 1969 after I enlisted in the Air Force.

1. Eisenhower died on the day I reported for basic training, so did my grandfather.

2. Charles DeGaulle died too, typical French guy, he couldn't even let Eisenhower get cold before he goes and kicks it.

3. Man walked on the moon for the first time while I was playing poker in the upper bay of my barracks in Biloxi Mississippi

4. Woodstock took place. Three days of love, peace, and rock & roll, or whatever they called it back then, and I did my part by playing pin ball and getting drunk on a bottle of Bacardi's Rum that I had to have someone buy for me because I had just turned 19 and the legal drinking age for everything except beer was 21.

5. The Tate-LoBianco murders were committed by the Manson family which was weird because the night of the Tate murders a bunch of us went to the drive-in and saw a double bill of The Planet of the Apes which starred Charlton Heston and The Valley of the Dolls which starred dun dun dun ... Sharon Tate.

6. Teddy Kennedy got away with murder or at least negligent homicide when he drove his car off the bridge at Chappaquidick (sic), saving himself, and allowing Mary Jo Kopechne (sic) to drown, but at least this spared us of a Teddy Kennedy presidency, and this is coming from a life long democrat, so don't go there with the "oh yeah, you conservatives yadda yadda yadda".

7. Hurricane Camille hit the Gulf Coast, which I was smack dab in the middle of, and it was pretty cool, seriously, and one of the guys from my squadron went missing, but it turns out he was at his uncle's house just outside of Biloxi, and I kid you not, the guys name was Bud D. Wiser, and it wasn't even a nickname, it was his given name.

8. Ehhhh, there was some peace march on Washington DC, but I was in the air force so my ass was covered, and yeah, even then I was the center of my own universe, so since the war didn't effect me I just sort of ignored it, ok, I was against it, but I ignored it.

9. The Hells Angels beat some guy to death at a Rolling Stones outdoors concert in Altamont California in stark contrast to Woodstock just a few months earlier.

10. The first draft lottery took place while I was home on leave before going over seas, and my number would have been in the 300's so there was no way I would have been drafted if I hadn't enlisted, and I always refer to this as the "so sad, too bad" period of my life.

My sweat is a just sweat

So, I was walking today, and by the way, I walked five miles today, and I sweated a lot, and my heal started to hurt at about the three mile mark, but I'm a trooper and I kept going, but now I'm off subject, and what I wanted to say was when I was walking today I had an out of body experience.
It happened while the song Candy Girl by the Four Seasons was playing on my Zune, and from now on when I talk about my Zune I am going to refer to it as my mp3 player because I am sensing a lot of Zune envy, or maybe it is just Zune hate, out there.
Anyway I had an out of body experience while walking and Candy Girl started playing on my mp3 player, see I told you I was going to start calling it my mp3 player ...
And yeah, I had an out of body experience when Candy Girl started playing, it was like I left my body, you know, I was still walking physically, but mentally I was far away, far away in the lounge of a bowling alley in Paramus New Jersey, and I was singing the falsetto parts of Candy Girl, and the lounge was packed, and people were smiling, and people were swaying back and forth in time, and I was nailing it, nailing the falsetto parts, I was all OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH-WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CANDY GIRL!!!
And the spotlight was on me, and it was a friendly spotlight, and I glistened, maybe not glistened, but I ruled the lounge of the bowling alley in Paramus New Jersey, and there was one person, a certain special person, a certain special person sitting at a ringside table in the lounge of the bowling alley in Paramus New Jersey, and that special person was Susie Minter, yes, the same Susie Minter who I had an unflailing crush on in 8th and 9th grade, the same Susie Minter who made me stutter when she even just glanced at me, the same Susie Minter ... is there even such a word as unflailing (???)but yeah, that Susie Minter, the one with blue eyes, the one with the blond hair, the one who always lef the top two buttons of her starched white blouse unbuttoned, and as far as 8th grade cleavage went she had it, and used it, and I'm getting a little sweaty just thinking about it, but I'm thinking about as a 13 or 14 year old boz would think of it, so that's ok, ok, maybe it's not ok, but it's at least no worse than a grey area ...
And anyway, THAT Susie Minter wrote something on a cocktail napkin and handed it to me when I did my dip after the second OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH-WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CANDY GIRL!!!
And just as I was about to read her note, the note that THAT Susie Minter wrote, Candy Girl ended, and then The End by the Doors came on, and POOOOOF my out of body experience was replaced by false post Vietnam flashback syndrome.
The End ... beautiful friend ... The End

Kafka my ass.

There was a cricket in my bed this morning.
I couldn't kill it, because I couldn't catch it.
I can feel it's little cricket eyes burning into me as it plots it's next course of action.

Yeah, bub

I swear to god, with a lowercase g, I'm getting downright lanky.

It's August, so it's time for a quiz/survey/intrusion on my privacy

What is your middle name?
Vance

What color is your mailbox?
Greyish silver with blue and rust peeking through.

Are you single?
Yes.

Have you ever hit a deer?
No, but I've come close a few times. My niece hit one once and it smashed through the windshield of her car while she was driving down the interstate at night.

Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home?
Little bridges.

What color is your room?
It's a light colored fake wood paneling.

Do you have a small driveway?
No, it's about average.

Do you know anyone with the same ringtone as you?
No.

What do you do first in the morning?
Take a leak.

What brand is your printer?
I don't have a printer, they are a waste of money.

Do you enjoy fighting with people?
No.

Is your hair naturally straight or curly?
Naturally thinning.

Who was your kindergarten teacher?
Mrs. Harris.

What is your ringtone?
19th Nervous Breakdown by the Rolling Stones.

Are you taller than your dad?
Yes.

What curse word do you say the most when your pissed?
Jesus Fuck.

Are you God?
Yes, if you replace the G with a B and the D with a Z.

Do you like someone?
I like a lot of people.

Do you enjoy writing in colored pens?
No, mostly black.

Does anything hurt on your body right now?
Everything hurts on my body right now.

Do you often cry during a movie?
No, but I don't often laugh either.

Last phone call you received?
From my niece returning a call I made to her.

Last text message?
My grand niece thanking me for a birthday card back in March, no wait, from my provider telling me that the rate for text messages are going up.

Do you hate your life?
No, but I hate my bald spot.

Do you get mad easily?
Nah, but I get upset easily.

What is your biggest pet peeve?
People pulling out of their driveway already talking on their cellphones.

Are you cold?
No, I'm sweating.

Do any of your friends have kids?
Yes.

Do you know anyone that is pregnant right now?
Yes.

Who should pay on the first date?
Adam.

How many years older than you are you willing to date?
Zero.

Do you have any friends?
I guess.

Do you have any mean friends?
No.

What is the ugliest color to wear in your opinion?
Red, or maybe purple, but that's just for me.

Have you ever liked someone who all your friends hate?
Yes, all my friends have always hated all my friends.

Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff, seriously?
Sure, wait, I thought that said diving not driving, no.

Have you ever contemplated suicide?
Other people's but not mine.

Do you scratch your ears?
Yes, all the time.

Who was the last person to hug you?
My cousin.

What brand are the pant/jeans you're wearing right now?
I'm not.

How tall are you?
Six foot three inches.

What is the closest green object?
The curtains.

If you were born the opposite sex, what would your parents have named you?
Bozette.

Do you want to have kids?
No, but I wouldn't mind a puppy if I didn't have to clean up after it.

What is the brightest color you're wearing?
White.

Who is the friend you have that you would never have expected to have?
Most of them ... all of them.

Who do you hate the most right now?
No one.

What kind of car do you want?
Doesn't matter as long as it starts every time.

What is your favorite video game?
I don't play video games.

Do you have any TV shows on DVD?
No, wait, someone gave me a VCR tape with two episodes of The Avengers.

Are you wearing make-up?
No, but I will if you insist.

Do you have a tattoo?
Four of them.

Have you ever broken a pinata?
Is that one of the tiny bones in your wrist?

What time is it right now?
11:35 PM EDT.


Do you know how to draw?
Not really, I used to doodle a lot when I got bored, but I stopped getting bored.

Who loves orange soda?
There have been three times in my life when I went on orange soda binges, where I would drink orange soda after orange soda, after orange soda, but the binges only lasted a few days each time.


Who did you last IM?
ChampSuperstar and God.


Do you work a lot of hours?
Hahahaha


Where were you in the last 24 hours?
Mostly around town, yeah, I didn't leave town at all today.


Who was the last person that called you?
You already asked that question in a slightly different form.


Is there anything you regret?
Sure, lot's of things. Oh, you want examples. Ok, joining the Air Force would probably be on the top of the list.

Do you know where your family name originated from?
I'm guessing it's English, or maybe Scotch Irish.

Is there an animal that creeps you out?
Bats, skunks, I guess most varmints do.

What is your favorite color ON A CAR?
I like yellow.


Do you use digital or film cameras?
Digital.

Do you own an iPod?
I own a Zune and a 2 Gig Panasonic.

Have you ever been on a charter bus?
Yes, three times, I think, and that's odd because my cable and internet provider is Charter.

The MySpace of Anne Frank

Ten things Anne Frank would write in her MySpace account if she were a teenager today.
1. Ok, I can't think of ten things she would write, because ... because ... because I haven't thought like a teenage girl teenager since I was in my thirties, but I'll still do ten things.
2. Did you know that Anne Frank and I were born on the same day?
3. If you had to have sex with the movie version of Anne Frank who would you choose, Melissa Gilbert or Millie Perkins?
4. Ok, I know Anne Frank was a teenager, so for the above question you can be a teenager too.
5. This post is taking a lot longer than I expected mostly because for some reason I can't type tonight, and maybe it's the ghost of Anne Frank exacting her revenge against me from the grave.
6. I AM THE GHOST OF ANNE FRANK AND I AM EXACTING MY REVENGE FROM THE GRAVE!
7. Did I mention that I've lost 29 lbs on my diet, take that evil ghost of Anne Frank.
8. When did I become obsessed with Anne Frank?
9. If I had gotten married and had kids I would have named them Anne and Frank, or Sonny and Cher, or Bausch and Lomb.
10. I think Anne Frank would really like Fallout Boy.

Throbbing members only

I had this great idea about a post that would bring thousands of hits here.
I was going to make a post full of phrases like ...

Naked cheerleaders and their perky boobs
and
Sex with dogs named Rover
and
Anal probes after church
and
Cooters with Hooters
and
Tacos smell like fish
and
Marge Simpson porn
and
Nipples can put your eye out
and
Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country
and
Abraham Lincoln our first gay president
and
Cats that kill and the women who love them ...

But I figured why bother.
Good night
PS - Penises that glow in the dark

Potions or Portions, I guess it doesn't make much difference.

I've got blood in my mouth from biting my tongue all week.
Sorry, I mistook my life for a song there for a minute.

Things I did today, or maybe it was yesterday

I stepped on the same tack a half dozen times.

I screwed up the little automatic battery operated car door opener until my car started going honk honk honk, and I screwed with it some more until my car started going HONK HONK HONK.

I stared at an old guy with a pony tail tucked up under his baseball cap.

I walked till I perspired.

I did something for MB, but I forgot what it was, and I guess I could ask her what I did, but I'm sure she's forgotten too.

I remember now. I made cream of asparagus soup using a can of cream of chicken soup, a can of cream of mushroom soup, and a can of asparagus.

While getting a haircut the barber and I discussed his recent prostate surgery, and I'm now almost positive it's prostate and not prostrate.

Also, the barber and I discussed my fairly new cowlick and ways to combat it, and the barber suggested that I use a dab of styling gel, so I stopped at the drugstore next to the barber shop and bought some styling gel from their Dollar Discount Section, and when I got home I squirted a little gel on my finger and it smelt, or smelled, so good that I tasted it, which was a bad idea, because I couldn't get rid of the gel taste no matter how hard I tried, so let that be a lesson to all of you out in the peanut gallery.

Also, while in the Dollar Discount Section of the drugstore I bought a manly LOOFA, to go use with the four manly body washes I bought a week or so ago, and yeah, I'm sure they're manly, because how could they not be with manly names like Pipeline, Olympian, Gravity, and Intensity ...

And I guess that's all I did today, or maybe it was yesterday.

The fan is off until I at least need it again.

I should go to bed.



Yes, there are four pillows, and the sheets are purple, and I'm tired, and I have the bedroom window open, and earlier tonight I could hear the teenage boy from next door make some kind of funny bleating noise, so I guess he must have had his bedroom window open too, and I have no idea why he was bleating, and I don't think it was orgasmically induced, but it could have been, because I was a teenage boy once, and it wasn't unusual for me to bleat two or three times a day, and I still bleat occasionally, so maybe I should close my bedroom window, but fuck it, I'm just going to go to bed instead, which is where this all started.

To miriam wherever I may find her

This is for Kat.

I found this email in my spam folder.

Hi
My name is miriam. I found your email on that dating site.
I also love sex on the side. I have a loving partner but he is working 16 hours a day and we have sex only once a week :(
If you are interested and wanna see my pictures just email me at cmiriam7@byemailonline.info
Don`t reply, use the email above (my boyfriend doesn`t know about that email!)

Here is my reply.
Hi Miriam
I never thought I'd get a reply from my ad on that dating site, and
when you say that dating site I am assuming you mean the one that
specializes in finding sexxxxxxxxx partners for hairlipped albino
crossdressers.
I am glad you like sex on the side too. It's the only way I can have
sex is on the side because my sleep apnia only allows me to have sex
on the side without making me fall asleep, and falling asleep makes me
drool, and nothing turns the ladies off faster than a drooling
hairlipped albino crossdresser who is asleep ... and snoring too,
hahahaha, I made up the part about snoring, it's more of a whimper
than a snore, and then again it's not much a whimper either.
Your boyfriend works sixteen hours a day ... what is he a friggin'
doctor, and if he is could you ask him if he knows any doctors who
specialize in hairlips with a minor in sleep apnia.
Oh yeah, send pictures. Can I make a special request? I love pictures
of women with their underwear on backwards. I'm getting a chubbie just
thinking about it!!!
Waiting for your reply with bait on my breath.
Harlan Saunders Esq.

This'll do

I've lost so much weight that I can see the scar from the incision they made on my hip when they took a piece of bone out to use as a shiv when they removed the herniated disk in my neck in July of 2006.

Imagine, before about a week ago I couldn't see the scar on my hip, and now ...
Well, and now, I was wearing my fat pants without a belt to take the trash cans out tonight and I seriously had a hard time keeping my pants from falling around my knees, and speaking of knees, I think my knees have lost some weight too, and I'm almost positive that my wrists are skinnier, or how else would you explain the fact that ...
Ummm, that I am almost running out of little holes in my watchband in which to fasten my watch with that little metal thing that goes in the hole to keep your watch from falling off your wrist and into your Cheerios when you first get up in the morning and you don't quite have your wits about you.

My ten favorite Bill Murray roles or characters.

In no particular order.

1. Tripper Harrison - Meatballs
2. Bob Wiley - What About Bob? - Bob Wiley
3. Bunny Breckenridge - Ed Wood
4. Ernie McCracken - Kingpin
5. Frank Milo - Mad Dog and Glory
6. Herman Blume - Rushmore
7. Wally Ritche - The Man Who Knew Too Little
8. Mr. McNulty - Square Pegs (No Substitutions)
9. Todd DiLaMuca - Saturday Night Live
10. Nick the Lounge Singer - Saturday Night Live

I'm not saying you ain't pretty, I'm just saying I'm not ready

I felt so old today.
Linda Ronstadt turned 61.



I had such a bone for her back in the late 60's and early 70's BEFORE she became famous and started boning those whack job politicians.

I think it just started raining

My diet.
It includes BK five or six times a week.
It does not include tofu.
It does include the worlds biggest cauliflower, and broccoli too, and fruit juices, and fruits, and occasionally some tuna fish, and some other stuff that you wouldn't believe if I told you, and honest, I'd tell you, but I don't remember.
It includes vigorous exercise of the walking and bicycle riding variety of vigorous exercise, and here's a tip, if you are out riding your bicycle steer clear of bicycle riding grandmothers and their bicycle riding grandchildren, they are just trouble waiting to happen.
And I've lost 23 lbs, or 22 lbs,or 21 lbs, depending on how good my memory is.

I spoonfed you your life and other catch phrases from other reality shows that I don't watch except for that one.

Umm, so it's, I dunno, three in the morning or something like that, and I just finished watching a movie, and my eyes aren't focusing very well, and did I tell you that I'm on a diet and that I've lost twenty pounds, and yeah, it's true, and did I tell you that I sort of accidentally deleted all the songs on my Zune, but that's ok, because I was getting tired of them, and now I have a shitload of mostly different songs on my Zune, but some of the same songs, because I wasn't tired of all of them, just most of them, like I said about twenty words ago, and that's about all I've got to say.

Fuck, I was really going to make a great post here, but the ideas and the words just escaped my brain somewhere between taking a leak and turning on the computer, and now my mind is blank, and my fingers hurt, so ...

Don't tell me that again, ok, but just one more time.

So, I tried to watch the Black Dahlia on Cinemax, but it sucked, I mean it sucked real bad, so maybe I'll just go to bed and listen to music.
Shhhhhhhhhhh, I hear something outside. It sounds like it is someone on a bike, but who would be out riding a bike at one thirty in the morning unless they are up to no good or are practicing for the Tour De France, but since that's already started, and as far as I know East Tawain isn't part of the course, it probably isn't that, unless all those steroid claims are true and somebody got lost on their way to France, and on second thought I think it was just my neighbor putting away his lawn mower.
Anyway, I'm going to bed or something.

The tag on the back of my t-shirt is causing a rash.

It's very hot today.
Not 115 degree hot like out there in Kansas, or whatever that state is that has all the sand and none of the rain.
But it's hot.
And I'm feeling kind of dizzy.
But I'm hydrated so don't worry.
And if there is such a thing as temporary heat blindness I wish I would get it and be done with it.

What I did on the 4th

I slept till about noon after getting up at about six for breakfast,
I gave a guy the finger, but he called me an asshole first, I think he was trying to impress his wife, she didn't look impressed, and after she saw the fire in my eyes she looked scared, I made that part about the fire in my eyes up, and about his wife being scared.
I also ate five hot dogs on the 4th of July, but not all at once or at the same time.
I was attacked by swarm after swarm of no see me bugs at the fireworks display.
It was maddening, they went for my eyes, and they showed no mercy.
I took a shower after I got home.

I think my head is losing weight.

What do you think?

You want fries with that burger?

Ok, so a big storm fried my computer last week.
It's covered by my homeowners insurance.
I took it to the repair place and he has to decide whether or not it can be fixed or needs to be replaced.
I haven't heard back from him yet.
I was going crazy without a computer so I went out and bought a new one.
I will be screwed if he can repair it.
Let's hope that he can't.
Let's hope that he drops it on the floor during a drunken rage.
Let's hope he's a drunk, or a chronic masturbater, yeah, let's say that he can repair it, but while he is looking through my folders he finds my porn, and being a chronic masturbater he erupts all over it, yeah, let's hope that, because even though I can afford a new computer I'd much rather have my insurance cover it, and it probably won't cover the complete cost anyway, because I have a hundred dollar deductible, and they will reimburse me for the price it would take to replace my old computer today, and computer prices have come down, but maybe I can blackmail the chronic masturbating repair guy into saying it will cost more to replace than it will actually cost to replace,and maybe he will comply because nobody in a small town wants to be known as a chronic masturbater, and that's what happened to Goober in Mayberry, and when was the last time you saw Goober???

Did I mention that my new computer has 10,000 gigs of storage, but actually it only has 500 gigs, but you would have probably thought I was bragging if I said that, so I went with the ludicrous to sort of temper your whatever.

It took way too long to write this post

Ten things I saw today
1. A bunch of people at the beach who shouldn't have been wearing skimpy bathing suits, but were.
2. People talking on cellphones while driving, while eating, while shopping, and while invading my personal space.
3. A real cute pregnant woman who kept adjusting her top to cover up her belly.
4. Mother and daughter goth girls waiting in line at the Dairy Queen.
5. The friendly guy at the BK who everyone avoids because he talks too much, and doesn't smell all that good either.
6. A vulture, yeah, a real live vulture, and I've never ever seen a vulture before, but I'm positive that this was a vulture, and he was on the side of the road eating road kill, I swear to god, it was a vulture, and I didn't even know that vultures were indigenous to this area, and I'm not even sure if I know what indigenous means either.
7. A kid on a skateboard wearing the gayest looking pants I have ever seen, they were like something my sister would have worn back in the 50's if she was trying to make a move on a guy, they were that gay.
8. Two of those religious type guys that always travel in pairs, and wear ties, and short sleeved white shirts, and always look like they are going to rain Jesus down on your head if you give them the slightest look of recognition.
9. A husband and wife arguing with each other in a foreign language which might have been French, or Flemish, or Dutch, yeah, it could have been Dutch.
10. A young cop hitting on the tattooed and pierced clerk at the self-serve gas station where I bought a 64 ounce diet Coke for 79 cents today, and I don't know about the clerk, but I wasn't impressed.

No misspellings found

I shouldn't watch television because it tricks me into thinking it is real especially at seven in the morning, except for the news, which I never watch.
Anyway, and enough with the anyways, anyway, I'm going back to bed and pretend, no, I'm going back to bed and ACCEPT that television is real, and maybe I can be the new doctor on Scrubs, which I don't watch either.

Take a deep breath, hold it, hold it, hold it, that's it, now exhale ... good

Ten things you will never hear me say, except if I am trying to be funny.

1. I think my water just broke.
2. Let's do sushi.
3. You know how back in the 70's young people used to go to midnight screenings of the Rocky Horror Picture Show dressed like characters from the movie? I was Susan Sarandon, and I still have the bra and the slip, and I am wearing them right now.
4. Seriously, I could talk politics with you all night even if we weren't screwing.
5. I just renewed my subscription to US News and World Report and People Magazine.
6. My #117, I lied, it's more like a #94.
7. I don't care, anything by Journey is fine with me.
8. I'd like to pledge $250.00 for Jerry's Kids.
9. I think I am losing my mind, but that's not something I'd never say, it's just something I am saying because I am running out of things I will never say except if I am trying to be funny, but seriously, I really do think I am losing my mind, or maybe I am just tired, so I'll make #10 a short one and then I'm going back to bed.
10. Bingo!!!

I mean it this time.

My cable provider just got Video On Demand so now I can watch whatever I want whenever I want and right now I am watching the Showtime Series Weeds starring Mary-Louise Parker and the chick who slept with Tom Hanks when Tom Hanks was really a kid in Tom Hanks body in the movie Big, she's Elizabeth something, but that's not important, and really none of this is important in the grand scheme of things, but, be that as it may, I am watching Weeds, and yeah, I started it watching it because of Mary hyphen Louise Parker, but it has turned into something oh so much more than just that.

It's funny that I should be hooked on a show about marijuana because I haven't smoked since Nixon was president, no wait, I haven't smoked since Reagan was president, and I'm almost positive I didn't smoke when Carter was president, except I might have smoked when the hostages were released, but yeah, the Iranians waited until Reagan was sworn in before they released the hostages, but I might have started smoking before the actual release, but ummm, no I haven't smoked since Nixon was president, except for when Reagan was president and borderline when Carter was president, and I think I might have smoked when Johnson was president, but it was most likely after the election in 68 and Johnson would have been a lame duck president, so maybe that doesn't count, but maybe it does count, and I'm not sure anyway, no wait, I am sure, but it was only once, or maybe twice, yeah, it was twice, and I am totally sure that I didn't smoke when Kennedy was president because I was only thirteen, and drugs hadn't been invented yet, and probably if they had I would have smoked when Kennedy was assassinated, but who could have blamed me, because that was a tragic time in the history of our great nation.

The End

Well, not the end, because I'm not ruling out that I will ever smoke again. I mean, what if I get glaucoma, or what if I fall in love with a hippie commune type chick who GROWS marijuana ... I mean, I'd just about have to smoke then, wouldn't I.

Time out

I'm sitting here at one in the morning waiting for the predicted storm to pass through.
I have all the lights out, my bedroom window blinds are up, and my window is open.
I want lightening.
I want thunder.
I want rain.
I want the wind to lift the curtains up.
I kind of want a dish of ice cream too, but I'm on a diet, and it's really going well, and I've lost about ten lbs, and I'm eating goo ..., I'm eating better, and I'm exercising, (I rode the outside bike for a half hour and the inside bike for forty five minutes) and I'm sweating, and my fat pants are falling off my hips, and my skinny pants are about twenty lbs down the road, and yes, I really am eating better, I'm eating vegetables that aren't on pizza, and fruit that isn't in a candy bar, and stuff, and stuff, and more stuff, and did I tell you I've almost lost ten lbs, and you know, I think Karen Carpenter was really onto something, and ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Yeah.

When I was thirteen

When I was thirteen a family of dwarfs moved in next door to us. I think they were circus folk.

When I was thirteen I fell out of a tree and broke my left ankle in three places and was on crutches all summer and the first two months of the next school year.

When I was thirteen years old my best friend got a job working at an ice cream stand. He promised that he would try to get me a job but he was fired for handing out free cones to girls that would show him their underpants.

When I was thirteen years old I sent away for a ventriloquist's dummy that was advertised for $3.99 but when my package arrived there was a letter from the company saying that they no longer carried the $3.99 ventriloquist's dummy so they sent me a pair of x-ray specs, a whoopee cushion, a fly in an ice cube, and a bar of soap that turned your hands black as a replacement.

This or that

Remember that time you told me that you had sex in a tree with your second cousin's best friend, and I said impossible?
Well, I still don't believe you, but I do believe it's possible.
By the way, your second cousin said to say HI, and she said it in CAPITAL LETTERS, so no, it wasn't a typo on my part, and I'm starting to hate commas as much as I hate comas.

Insightful

Remember when I used to make short, funny, insiteful posts, and we'd laugh, and laugh, and laugh, in that way only we could.
Pretend that you did, because this might be one of them, and I have no idea how to spell insiteful.

An email from Bailey

I received this spam email today.

Hi
It`s bailey again. Will you ever contact me?
I made those nude pictures especially for you and I wont write to you again!
If you wanna see them just drop me a line at: bbailey7@bestvisiongroup.info

And I replied ...

Dear Bailey,
Let me answer your email as if it were a song.

The Bailey Song

BAAAAAA-a-a-a-i-i-i-ley
I think of you DAAAAA-a-a-a-a-a-i-i-i-ley.
How could I forget about youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
You're the one who gave me the fluuuuuuuuuuuuu*
You know that I doooooooooooooooooooooo
Want those nube pictures of youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
Pretty BAAAAAA-a-a-a-i-i-i-ley

BAAAAAA-a-a-a-i-i-i-ley
I've been AWAAAA-a-a-a-ay
For sixty DAAAAA-a-a-a-a-y-sssssssssssss
But it wasn't my fault
I didn't know those cell phones were hot
And believe it or not
On the day I got caught
I called out your name
Pretty BAAAAAA-a-a-a-i-i-i-ley

BAAAAAA-a-a-a-i-i-i-ley
So I'm contacting you now
Just don't have a cow
This is the line that I'll drop
'Cause you know I can't stop
Thinking of you-uuuuuuuuuu
Pretty BAAAAAA-a-a-a-i-i-i-ley

*It was actually Chlamydia but I couldn't thing of anything that
rhymed with Chlamydia.

So, yes, send on the nube pictures and make my man parts tingle.

Yours Truly
Elvis Jr.

I took a forty eight minute walk this morning and all I got was this sweat soaked t-shirt.

And I took a bike ride this evening and all I got was a bunch of those little flying bugs that you can hardly see until they get stuck in your teeth stuck in my teeth.

And I think I hurt one of my man parts on the bicycle seat.

And tomorrow is my birthday.

And all I can think about is my 13th birthday when I got a bike from my parents, which I liked, and a dual bicycle basket, that I didn't like, from my sister who was in Alaska and had ordered through Sears, and I asked my parents if I could return it for the money, which would have been about five dollars, which would have been a princely sum for a thirteen year old back in 1963, and my parents said they would return it for me, and they did, and when I asked for the money they said that Sears would send it to me, and I believed them because they were my parents, and I was thirteen years old and still naive in the ways of the world, and all summer I talked about what I was going to buy for myself with the five dollars as soon as I got it from Sears, I mean, at least once a day I told everyone my plans for what I was going to spend the money on, and then one day my dad and I picked my mother up from work, and I guess she had a hard day, and I guess she was tired, and I started in on my latest rant on how I was going to spend the money, and like I said my mother must have had a hard day, and she must have been tired, because all of a sudden she just turned and looked me straight in the eye in the back seat and said ...

Look, they gave us the money that day, and we spent it on clothes for you, clothes which you needed a damn sight more than you needed whatever the hell you planned on spending that money on. So that's it, there is no money, and I don't want to hear another word about it!

I was stunned into silence.
I didn't know what to do.
I wanted to cry, but I was thirteen years old and I kind of figured that wouldn't help.
I wanted to yell and curse at my parents and blame them for ruining my summer waiting for that fucking money that I now realized I would never see, but they were my parents, and if I had tried something like that they would have taken turns knocking the crap out of me for being such an ungrateful kid.

So, I remained silent.
I remained silent for at least a week.
It was the first guilt trip I ever laid on anybody, and it worked, and it felt good, but not as good as getting the five dollars would have felt, but I was thirteen, and what else could I do, and still ...
Still ...
After all these years I STILL get all bent out of shape whenever I think of ...
I mean they could have told me right away, and I would've gotten pissed, but I would have gotten over it, and after all these years I STILL get bent out of shape whenever I think of it.

Ok, fine, I'm going to go take a shower now, and while I'm at it I think I'll hide MB's Depends.

Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a spider can

I was going to make a post just now, but it's late, and I'm tired, and I just finished the first chapter of Hotel New Hampshire, and maybe I just finished the first chapter of THE Hotel New Hampshire, I'm not certain, and that's why I've decided not to make a post tonight, because I am not certain, but if I were certain I would probably make a post about my drive over to West Branch today, and how I went by myself, and how it was a really nice drive, and how as a way of getting to go by myself without hurting a certain person with the initials M and B feelings I had to promise to buy her a present, and this weighed heavy on my mind, but it shouldn't have as you shall see if you keep reading the post I decided not to make, but am making anyway.

So, when I got to West Branch I stopped at the Walgreen's drugstore first, and I really like the Walgreen's drugstore because they always have good sales and great clearance items, and today I bought 4 bottles of two liter Pepsi for three dollars with a coupon, which would be a sale and not a clearance, and I also bought a "As Seen On TV" men's personal groomer which could be used to trim unwanted nose hair or back hair, or for more mundane tasks such as trimming your beard or mustache, and the best part was it was marked down from $9.99 to $2.00, and that would be a clearance item as opposed to a sale item, oh, and I almost bought a battery operated Spiderman toothbrush by either Crest or Colgate, and I would have bought it for myself, because it was marked down to $2.00 from, I don't know, 7 or 8 dollars, and I would have felt no embarrassment at using it, and I even had it in my shopping cart, but after making a couple of runs through the store I put it back in the clearance bin because it too was a clearance item and not a sale item, and I don't regret not buying it, but it would have been a nice conversation starter if anyone were to ever barge into my bathroom while I was brushing my teeth, which was unlikely, but possible.

Then I went to the Dollar General to buy some Dollar General brand Depends for MB, and I briefly considered making this the gift that I had promised to buy MB, but ...
I didn't, because, seriously, who would want to get disposable underwear as a present, well???

Then I went to the Family Dollar and walked around, and I almost bought some shaving gel that had been marked down from $1.50 to seventy five cents, but wait, I had almost bought the shaving gel at the Dollar General, which is like the Family Dollar, but isn't, and there was nothing I even considered buying from the Family Dollar, so I left still presentless for MB, and nothing for myself either, oh wait, the personal groomer was for me, and see, that's why I decided against making this post that I am now making because I'm disremembering stuff the way it actually happened.

My next stop was the Evil Empire, and not only am I disrembering, I am also getting bored, so I will cut this short ... er, and just say I got MB two jars of Udderly Smooth, the stuff they use on cow's udders when they start to crack, but I think this is a little bit different, but anyway, MB uses it like cold cream to cleanse her face, and she might use it on her udders too, but let's not go there.

By now I was hungry and I stopped at the BK for a burger and fries and a king size diet Coke, and I got the burger free because I called the number on the back of the receipt and took a survey, but it wasn't free ... free, it was free with the purchase of any size fries and any size drink, and I got the king size drink so I would have something to drink on the 40 mile drive back home, and it was actually a free re-fill of the king size drink I drank on the way home.

Oh, yeah, after I left BK the sign at the fruit market said they had grapes on sale, and I was going to stop and get some grapes, and I did stop to get some grapes, but the grapes didn't look all that good, so I got a head of cauliflower, and a bunch of broccoli, which were both on sale, the cauliflower was $1.99 a head, and the broccoli was 89 cents a bunch, and that's it, no wait, I disremembered again, I also got MB some tomatoes from the clearance counter, and this was a really good deal, there were four BIG tomatoes for 99 cents, and they weren't damaged or anything, they were just kind of ripe, but hey, a little ripeness never hurt anyone.

Then I drove home without incident, and when I got home MB was overjoyed with her two gifts, the two gifts being, in case you disremembered, the Udderly Smooth and the tomatoes, and now I am going to bed before I think of anything else that might, or might not have happened on my trip to West Branch today, or technically, my trip to West Branch yesterday.

Another blast from the past

The infamous Wesley From Across The Street halfway through his six month tour in the navy that should have been a six year tour in the navy, but hey, that's just the way WFATS ran.



OBVIOUS FAKE MUSTACHE ALERT OBVIOUS FAKE MUSTACHE ALERT OBVIOUS FAKE MUSTACHE ALERT OBVIOUS FAKE MUSTACHE ALERT

Poseurs that pose

The Heartthrob of Alumni Memorial Elementary School 1960-61

The story of the four Zunes at 1:37 am when I am half asleep

Zune #1
I bought Zune #1 in mid-March at the Evil Empire for what I thought was a fair price, fair in the sense that it was as least as cheap as I had seen it anywhere online when you factored in S&H. I loved Zune #1. I loved Zune #1 as much as anyone could love anything that can't love you back. I uploaded songs to Zune #1, and Zune #1 played them back for me. Yes, Zune #1 and me were a match made in heaven, or so I thought ...

Zune #2
In early April while at another discount chain that ended in Mart but started with K I saw that they had Zune's on sale for thirty dollars cheaper than what I had paid for my beloved Zune #1, and this irked me to no end, because as most of you who care know I hate to pay more than the lowest price for anything, and this doesn't mean that I am cheap or that I buy shoddy merchandise, it just means that I like to get the best I can for the lowest price that I can, and seriously, is there anything wrong with that. So, after leaving the Mart of the K I stopped at the King of the Burger for a diet Coke and an order of some serious soul searching. I mean, thirty dollars is thirty dollars, and and and, I wanted that extra thirty dollars more than I wanted red blood coursing through my veins, and while walking up to get a refill on my diet Coke it hit me. Go back to the Mart of the K and buy Zune #2 for thirty dollars less, take it home and put it in the box that Zune #1 came in, and then take it back to the Evil Empire, along with my sales receipt, and get a refund. So are you with me on this? I kept Zune #1 that I loved with all my heart, and took Zune #2, that I had purchased from the Mart of the K, and returned it to the Evil Empire for my refund, and that was the end of Zune #2, which I never got to really know, but I am sure that if I had I would have loved it almost as much as I loved Zune #1, and I would have been happy with Zune #1 for ever, and ever, and ever except that ...

Zune #3
I dropped Zune #1 while putting it into it's velour-like travel pouch, and I cried, and I cried, and I cried, but only metaphysically speaking, because I would never actually cry over a Zune be it #1, #2, #3 or #1,800,764. So, I got the receipt from the Mart of the K which was for Zune #2 and not Zune #1, because, remember I had used the receipt for Zune #1 when I took Zune #2 to the Evil Empire, and I took Zune #1 to the Mart of the K and told them that Zune #1 was malfunctioning and that I would like a replacement, of course I left out the part about why it was malfunctioning, and they said, sure, no problem, whatever, here's a new Zune, please take it, and live long and prosper, and thus Zune #3 came into my life. Zune #3 was eager to please and we soon developed a relationship that was almost as close as the relationship I had with Zune #1, almost as close, but only on a platonic level. I bought things for Zune #3. I bought it an aluminum case. I bought it a silicone case. I bought it an arm band to use with the silicone case for when I exercised. And ... I bought it a generic wall charger which ... fucked up the Zune #3 the first time I used it.
Ok, now, I no this is getting long and drawn out, but hey, quit reading whenever you like, it's not like I'm forcing you or anything, I just wish I could quit, but no, I have to keep writing, and writing, and writing, until the end, so fuck you very much, but seriously, I'm getting bored as well as tired, so let's just say that I was afraid to take Zune #3 back to the Mart of the K, so instead I contacted Zune through their 800 number and told them the truth, or at least most of the truth. I told them that Zune #3 had gotten fucked up when I tried to charge it up, and the Zune synching cable must have been the fucker upper, and that it probably bent some of the prongs of the docking thingie thing. So the Zune Customer Service Lady said no problem-o, she said that they'd send me a new cable, and that I could keep the old cable, which by the way, had nothing to do with fucking up Zune #3, because, remember it was the generic cable that fucked up #3, and where was I??? The Zune Lady told me that they would send me a pre-paid packing box for Zune #3 and I was to return Zune #3 in said pre-paid packing box and they would repair ... or replace Zune #3 at no charge, well, at no charge because it was still under warranty. Then on Thursday UPS dropped off a package from Zune, and I was so excited because even though I didn't love Zune #3 like I had loved Zune #1, I still had these feelings for Zune #3, and then I opened the box and ...

Zune #4
They hadn't repaired Zune #3, they had replaced Zune #3 with Zune #4, and that is where we stand at this very moment, and quite frankly, I am a little worried about committing wholeheartedly to Zune #4, because I have been hurt before, so let's just wait and see what transpires.

Addendum: While running spellcheck the word heartedly came back as a misspelling, but fuck it, spellcheck has been wrong before, and I am about to crash and burn, so, so nothing. Oh wait, wholeheartedly is one word, not two. Please disregard the addendum

Me and my Zune in June

I'm just wasting time until Fried Green Tomatoes starts on Encore I think in a few minutes.

Speaking of movies, I just found out today from the cable company that Video On Demand starts tomorrow, or make that today because today is already yesterday.

I stopped at the doctor's office to pay a bill and the cute receptionist smiled at me which made me feel bad because I had been checking out her cleavage, which was only average, but it was cleavage, and average cleavage is better than no cleavage at all, or as Shakespeare once said, or it might have been the guy who played the professor in my Debra Messing dream who once said, it is better to have cleaved and lost than never to have cleaved at all.

And how was your day?

I just got my zune back from the zune repair guys today, and they didn't repair it, they sent me a new zune, and that makes it the fourth zune that I have had in my possession since I got my first zune in March, followed by my second and third zune in April, and their is a story behind each and every zune that I have possessed, and maybe, just maybe, one day I will post the story behind each and every zune, but not tonight, because FGT is about to start, and man, I love that movie, and I used to love it because of Mary Stuart Masterson, but now I love it because of Mary Louise Parker, and maybe one day I will love it because of Kathy Bates or Jessica Tandy, but let's hope not, and now ...
On with the show!

My lost weekend took place in the middle of the week this time

I had a dream about Debra Messing the other night, or at least it was someone who reminded me a lot of Debra Messing, and I mean Debra Messing the actress not Debra Messing the sex phone operator, unless they are both the same person, which in that case someone has been lying to me for a long long time.
Anyway, I had this dream about Debra Messing, and in this dream I was in college, so you know the dream had to take place a long time ago, and I was in college, and I had just transferred into a new English class from an old English class during mid-semester, and the two English classes didn't have matching courses of study so I was lost very lost, and because of my lostness I had an attitude problem where I gave the professor a hard time, because I knew he was going to give me a hard time, because I had a reputation as being a bad attitude on campus sort of guy, and I wanted to give him attitude before he gave me attitude, and there we were at some kind of academic stale mate, when all of a sudden Debra Messing, remember her, yeah, Debra Messing walks into the class, right up to the front of the class and she is all emotional and fighting back tears, and she starts talking about how she always picks the wrong type of man, and that all the good man are either taken, or they aren't interested in her, and yeah, I knew Debra Messing was talking about me, because, well, let's face it, in this dream I was all any woman could ever want, and yeah, Debra Messing is now in a full blown weep fest and she is telling about how rotten her life is, with all her different maladies, both real and imagined, and I think the cancer of the knee cap was one of the imagined maladies, but that's only me, and still Debra Messing is going on and on, and all I could do was shut my eyes and shake my head, because seriously Debra Messing is going through an emotional melt down what with all her bad choices concerning men, concerning men who were not me, and all her other bad choices in life that didn't include me, and right about now I am feeling like something BIG is going to happen, like Debra Messing is going to come after me with a big knife or a hand grenade, or maybe Debra Messing is planning another Columbine type thing here, because Debra Messing has always told me who much she admires Michael Moore, and also how much she enjoys killing innocent people, and how flowing blood, lots of flowing blood has always mesmerised her, and wheeeeeeeeeeew, this post about Debra Messing has already lasted longer than the actual dream about Debra Messing, but let's go on until we finish it, ok.
So, the professor asks if anyone knows who this weeping crying girl was, I mean it was obvious it was Debra Messing, but it was a dream, and I suppose he had to ask, and when he asked I just sort of looked away and put on my best I have no idea who this is even though it is obvious it is Debra Messing face, and when no one answers the professor just sort escorts Debra Messing out of the class room and when he comes back he says that was the most pathetic display he had ever seen, and everyone agreed with him, even me, which made me feel bad because ... well, it was Debra Messing, and I knew Debra Messing, and she was a friend, a psycho friend, but a friend nonetheless, and after everyone settled down, and the professor went back to his lecture, I couldn't stop thinking about Debra Messing and her cry for help, and yes, I knew that her cry for help was directed at me, so I figured after class ended I'd better go looking for Debra Messing and see if there was anything I could do to help, and that's what I did when class finally did end, I left the class room fully intending to look for Debra Messing, but when I got outside I was no longer in college, I was in South Korea, just outside of some amusement park hanging around with Hawkeye and Trapper John, no, not Trapper John, the guy who took Trapper John's place, that's right it was BJ, and we were going to go to the amusement park and ride the roller coaster till we puked, and then we were going to go get laid, and probably catch the clap, but not from Debra Messing because she was nowhere in sight.
The End