Friday, June 30, 2006

Streamless consciousness

I was going to write a classic stream of consciousness Boznian type post, you know, the kind of post that jumps from here to there then back to here then over to there and then curves sort of off to the side and then BAM!!!
Yeah, I was going to write that kind of post, because really, I haven't written much of anything since I found out that I needed surgery ... you did know I needed surgery, didn't you?
Well, yeah, I was going to write that kind of post, but my head hurts, and this is the really strange thing ... it wasn't till after I found out that I needed surgery, yeah, the surgery I just told you about, it wasn't till after I found out I needed surgery that my neck and lower back started hurting, I mean, real PAIN with a capital ???
I think I figured it out though. I think once my mind realized that I was going to have surgery, and the disk would be taken care of, well, I think my mind realized that it was ok to start hurting, and does that make sense, or am I ...

See, that's why I decided against writing one of those stream of consciousness, and I can't believe I can actually spell consciousness correctly, without using spellcheck, at two in the morning, but yeah, that's why I decided against writing one of those stream of consciousness posts, ummm, yeah.

I'm sorry, I'm totally lost.

Go rent Dr Butcher MD (aka Zombie Holocaust) and Dr Tarrs Torture Dungeon (aka The Mansion of Madness), the two movies I just finished watching, and that may explain my current state of stream of consciousness ennuiness.

And now my head really hurts.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Anterior Cervical Spinal Fusion

This is the surgery I will be having on July 10th, except my doctor is so good he won't need the titanium plate.

Excuse me while I go faint.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Hello Post Office, could you give me the zip code for Oz?

I went to the post office today to get some stamps.
I asked for ten stamps but the clerk gave me a 20 stamp booklet.
I told him again that I only wanted ten.
He gave me a dirty look.
Then he gave me ten Judy Garland stamps ...

And an application for the Friends of Dorothy Society.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Calling Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard

Hey, this is the surgeon who will be operating on me two weeks from today.

Saturday, June 24, 2006


Way too phallic.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Movie night!!!

Rented four movies for five nights.
1. Saw - Yeah, Saw, not Saw II, but Saw.
2. The Quickie - I think it's a French movie about the Russian mob, but the freakishly beautiful Jennifer Jason Leigh is in it, so ...
3. Two movies with Jean Reno - and one is a sequel to the other one, and I think he plays a detective, and I think they are also French, and I really like Jean Reno as an actor, because he's older than me, and because he's not Janet Reno, and despite, or maybe because of the fact that he had a creepy sort of pedophiliac(and is that even a word) relationship with a twelve year old Natalie Portman in The Professional ... oh that Jean Reno!!!

It's escapist crap, but it's summer, and summer is the season of escapist crap, and I need a little escapist crap to take my mind off of my impending surgery, and yeah, you can bet your ass I'm going to be playing up my impending surgery all I can, so you might as well get used to it, and ...
I guess that's it.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Gulp ...

Surgery scheduled for Monday July 10th.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

The history of blogging part XVIII

Let's see, today is Tuesday, I posted on Sunday, so that's only one day, and I guess I can live with that, because you see deep down inside, well, not really deep, but sort of mid level down inside I am afraid that if I go three, four, five, or six days without posting that I might just stop posting. The longer you go without posting the easier it is to stop, or ... the harder it is to start back up.
I don't believe that most bloggers that stop blogging actually start out to stop blogging, or stop out to start blogging, or even try to prevent forest fires, it's just that mumble mumble blah blah blah [fill in the blank].

Anyway, my surgery is almost set up, by the way, the surgical procedure is called an anterior cervical spinal fusion, and if you are interested in just what it entails you can Google it, and the reason I didn't Google and link it for you is because when I Googled it seven years ago when I had my first anterior cervical spinal fusion and then read the article I almost backed out of the surgery, but I didn't, but I considered it.
So, where was I? Oh yeah, my surgery is almost set up. My sister will be off the whole month of July so any date in that time frame would be good. I'm just waiting for the paper work from my visit on Saturday to catch up with the doctor's scheduling department, so we can set up a firm date, mmmmm firm dates.
And really, July should be open, don't you think, unless he takes a month long vacation, which I don't think he does, because he is a bit of doctorholic, and on and on and on ...

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Dr Hunter Douglas ... internet stud Part III

Dr Hunter Douglas replies to his new Russian sweetheart.

My dearest Lubya,
I am sorry that I haven't replied to your reply to my last email sooner but I had to spend the last two days in jail. Don't worry, it was nothing serious, and my lawyer, Perry Mason, was able to get me released on a technicality because the restraining order that my ex girlfriend Oprah had taken out on me had many words mispelled and that made it not legal ...

Scroll down and the email is
Continued here

Saturday, June 17, 2006

The first cut is the deepest

It's official.
I need surgery.
I went to see the neurosurgeon today and even though it isn't critical he wants me to have surgery by the end of year.
We looked at the MRI today.
Not only is the disk bulging and pressing against nerve endings, it is also hindering the flow of spinal fluid, which I guess is what the doctor is most concerned with.
It would only be surgery for the worst of the two disks because surgical techniques are improving all the time and they only want to operate when it is absolutely necessary.

The hardest part will be scheduling.
I would like to have it done either in the late summer or early fall, and there would be no problem scheduling it that way with the doctor.
The hardest part is on this end.
MB will need someone to stay with her a few days, and I will also need someone to drive me to and from the hospital which is about 80 miles from here.
I discussed it with MB earlier today, and her preference would be for my sister and brother-in-law to drive up from Florida, and since my brother-in-law is retired, and my sister pretty much makes her own schedule, I think given this window of opportunity of late summer to early fall we can work something out.
Our second choice would be for my niece, my nephew, and my other brother-in-law, who all live about 150 south of here, to all pitch in and help, but ...
I don't know, I just don't feel that I can depend on them, I mean, they mean well, and I'm sure they would want to help, but with them things always seem to come up at the last minute, it's hard to explain, but yeah, they're only the second option.
The last option I never would have expected. Another nephew, my Florida sister's oldest son, called out of the blue today, and I told him about the surgery, actually, besides MB he is the only family member who knows about it so far, and he told me that if there was any thing he could do to help just to let him know, he even said if push came to shove he would fly up and help. I would only do that as a last resort, but it is good to know that he is there if we need him.
So anyway, I'll call my sister tomorrow night and spell it out for her, and then blah blah blah, we'll go from there.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Dr Hunter Douglas ... internet stud Part II

I got a reply from the woman who will be visiting my place and would like to meet me.
(See previous post)

I haven't replied to her latest email, which is very very long, but you can read it here.
These are the two photos she included of herself.

She asked for a photo of me and I am thinking of sending one of these when I reply.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Dr Hunter Douglas ... internet stud

Received this email earlier today:

i am he!re sitting in the internet caffe. Found your email and
decided to write. I migaht be coming to your place in 14 days,
so I decided to email you. May be we can meet? I am 25 y.o.
girl. Ia have a picture if you want. No need t!o reply here as
this is not my email. Write me at

I replied:
Are you by any chance Jewel the famous American singer?
Hahaha, I am making a little joke.
Are you kidding, or course I would like a picture, you sound like a
real "hubba hubba" girl.
Are you really going to be visiting Boz City Iowa in the next 14 days,
wow, that would be so neat, and if you did come to my place we could
go visit the the Phlegm Museum on Highway 69 right outside of Boz City
Iowa, and I could show you off to all my friends who think I am too
big a loser to have a 25 y.o. girl visit my place.
Anxiously waiting to hear from you in your reply to me.
The Big Man
Dr Hunter Douglas

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

The attack of the 2X underpants

I went to the store yesterday, and in the men's clothing clearance section, which by the way is my favorite part of the store, I found a four pack of men's 2X underpants reduced to $3.00. I'm an L, ok, I'm an XL, but this was such a bargain that I couldn't turn them down.
When I got home and opened the package they were HUGE. I mean they were the male equivalent to Granny Panties, hey, maybe we should call them Bozzie Briefs and anyway, after my shower this morning I decided to try a pair on.
Oh man, they were HEAVEN, no binding, no chafing, no waistband rollover, I mean, I could pull them all the way up to my armpits and still feel comfortable.
I mean, well, yeah, I mean ...
Yeah, I mean, I feel so liberated!

Bozzie Briefs as compared to regular briefs.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Movie review Sunday

1. Aussie Park Boyz - The disk was cracked so I couldn't watch it, and it only took me about a half an hour to figure it out, I mean I thought my DVD player was broken, and isn't that always the case, you think whatever the problem is that that you are to blame, but at least I'll get another DVD rental out of this, and I'll take a current $2.50 release and not another fifty cent release, so that's not all bad.
2. In China They Eat Dogs - It had subtitles and it was late, and I was kind of tired, and I didn't feel like fooling with sub titles, so I turned it off after about a minute, but there was gratuitous nudity so I'll probably watch it later when I am more wide awake.
3. Penn and Teller: Bullshit - It started out pretty good, but by the third or fourth episode the big fat guy who does all the talking, I think that's Penn, and what kind of parent names their son Penn, well anyway, after about three or four episodes the big fat guy who does all the talking started getting real annoying, you know, all patronizing and self-righteous, and then when I got to the second disk the second episode was on Feng Shui, FENG FUCKING SHUI, they were debunking FENG FUCKING SHUI, I mean who the fuck cares???
So I turned it off, but I'll probably go back to it, because they had one episode with a lot of naked bodies in it, and who knows they might have another one.
4. Bullfighter - Ok, I don't think this is the worst movie ever as some of the reviews on the IMDB think, I mean really the people who wrote those reviews are just people, it's not like they KNOW or anything, and really wouldn't you have had to see every movie ever made before you could truthfully say that it is the worse movie ever, but no, it isn't the worst movie ever, and actually so far I kind of like it, yeah, I've only watched about half of it, but it has it's moments, and there are a lot of cool actors and actresses in it, and do you remember back in the 80's when it was PC to refer to both actors and actresses as ACTORS, so anyway, yeah, I'll definitely finish the movie, and the only real gripe I have with it so far is the actor who plays the Bullfighter has this very thick French accent, and I'm all WTF, this movie takes place in Mexico, so why does this guy have a French accent, and you know, I'm not sure if it a real French accent or a fake French accent, all I know was his French accent made it very hard to understand what he was saying, you know, sort of like Meryl Streep in Out Of Africa where she had that really thick I think it was Dutch accent, and really there was no need for it because we knew she was the great Academy Award winning actress Meryl Streep who could do any accent known to man, or woman, and have you noticed since then Meryl Streep hasn't really gotten any good roles?

Producer: We could get Meryl Streep.
Executive Producer: Yeah, but she might want to do an accent that no one can understand.
Producer: Good point. How about Nicole Kidman?
Executive Producer: Yeah, that would be great, and after being married to Tom Cruise all those years she's so starved for sex I heard she'll do it with anyone and you don't even need a couch.

So yeah, except for the French accent guy, the movie isn't really all that bad.

Klaatu barada nikto

I was 21 years old when I was abducted by aliens.
It was the summer of 1971 and I was home on leave from the air force after serving 18 months on the island of Crete.
It was very hot that summer. The temperature easily topped the 90 degree mark every day that I was home.
The nights were even hotter in the upstairs bedroom where I slept without benefit of either air conditioning or fan, and the only relief was the occasional cross breeze from the open windows on opposite sides of the room.

Ok, this isn't going anywhere, but I really was abducted by aliens in the summer of 1971, and they took me to bars and parties, and made me drink alcohol and smoke dope, and hit on girls just out of high school with round bottoms and full firm breasts who I may or may not have scored with depending on whether these are true or false repressed memories that I am just now unrepressing, but I think I might have, but then again it might just have been an alcohol and drug induced euphoria that led me to believe that whatever I just said was true, and the spaceship looked a lot like a coffee colored 1963 Chevrolet Impala Super Sport, and the aliens maybe, just maybe, could have been Wesley from across the street and Ronnie T. Brown from two streets, no, make that three streets, no, I was right the first time, just like Ronnie T. Brown from two streets over, and isn't it funny how the mind plays tricks on you?

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Movie rental Saturday

I like off the beaten path movies.
I went to the video store today and rented three movies and a something that isn't a movie but is a video.
I haven't watched any of them yet, and this time I didn't read any of the favorable reviews on the jacket of the DVD, so I have no expectations on what I've gotten myself into.
The movies are:
1. Aussie Park Boyz - An Australian action movie about minorities and gangs in Australia. I'm sure I'll like this one, because I like Australian movies, and this is an Australian movie, and I've worked Aussie, or Australian, or Australia into this description eight times, which I think is a new record for me.
2. In China They Eat Dogs - A Danish gangster movie, what else can I say? I hope it's not cheesy ... GET IT Cheese Danish!!!
3. Bullfighter - Some Mexican movie that according to IMDB everybody hates, but hey, these movies were only fifty cents each for five days, and at least Russell Crowe, or Brad Pitt, or Tom Cruise, or Tom Hanks, or Ben Affleck, or Ben Stiller, or Ben Franklin aren't in it.
4. Penn and Teller: Bullshit - I guess this is from a series they did on Showtime a few years back debunking all sorts of paranormal type crap, and I love anything that debunks paranormal type crap.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Four shirts to the wind

One of the four new birthday shirts I got for my birthday even though my birthday isn't until Monday.

I've never really cared that much for Polo shirts but they are a lot easier to wash than regular shirts, and since I do all the laundry now ...

This is really the ugliest of the four shirts, and the only reason I'm wearing it today is because I don't have anything planned and I needed a shirt, well, I did have to go to the Medicine Shoppe and pick up a prescription, and my, didn't all the ladies down at the shoppe look summery today, and no one actually laughed and pointed and told me that my shirt was ugly, at least not to my face, and come to think of it I did hear some snickering as I was walking out the door, but that could have been anything ... right?

Thursday, June 08, 2006

So ...

Not much happening.

I wore my underpants inside out today, not on purpose, but sometimes things like that just happen, I mean, it's not like when I was a kid and I used to wear them inside out, and sometimes even backwards, just because, and anyway I rectified the problem as soon as I noticed it.

I bought three $1.00 DVDs yesterday. The kind where you get two movies on each DVD. I don't remember the titles of all of them but one was called Pigs and another was called Doctor Butcher MD, I guess the Academy was asleep when those two movies came out.

I bought a real good $1.00 DVD this past weekend. It had two really old, like from the 1930's old, Jimmy Stewart movies. One was called Made For Each Other and co-starred Carole Lombard, and the other was called Pot O' Gold and co-starred the hauntingly beautiful Paulette Goddard, the same Paulette Goddard that Charlie Chaplin used to shlump when she was like 15 years old, ok, I don't know that for a fact, but Goddard was in a couple of Chaplin movies, and Chaplin had a predilection for underage age girls, and Goddard as I mentioned earlier was hauntingly beautiful, so I'm just assuming ...

I wonder if blogger is back up? I've been trying to make a post sort of off and on for most of the day, and for the most part blogger has been sending me back error messages, and suddenly I've lost the ability to spell and type at the same time, and has that ever happened to you?
Anyway, I'm writing this one in Word so when or if blogger decides to come back I've got it covered.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

I guess this is a post

So, I've got a dentist's appointment in forty minutes, nothing serious, just a check-up, but I'm really kind of not looking forward to it because both my lower back and my neck are killing me and not in the softly with his song sort of way.
Actually, I should be laying down right now, because getting up after sitting down makes me walk like Groucho Marx except without the funny mustache and the ...
Fucking Groucho Marx, now that guy was funny, I mean seriously funny.
Chico and Harpo not so much, but Groucho, yeah.
I wonder if Groucho and WC Fields were friends, they should have been, and you know, he wasn't called Groucho because he was a grouch, he was called Groucho after a type of money bag that you wore around your neck called a grouch bag, hey, I'm not making this stuff up, he actually said it in a book he wrote one time a long time ago before he died, or maybe I'm thinking about someone else.

So, what's up with you guys?
The only bird that is left of the three birds that used to mock me, is mocking me.
Oh, I thought I had another dead squirrel in the yard the other day.
The idiot squirrel had it's head stuck way deep into a knot on a tree and it wasn't moving, even when I said things like:
Hey squirrel, you'd better get out of there before I hit you with a shovel.
And when I got up closer, well, as close as you can get when a squirrel is stuck twenty five feet up in a knot hole of a tree, and the damn squirrel still wasn't moving. So I thought I'd get my camera and take a picture of the World's Stupidest Squirrel and post it in here for everyone to laugh at, but when I went and got my camera the World's Stupidest Squirrel was gone.
And now, so am I.

Who cut the cheese?

Ok, I tend to lie sometimes in here.

For instance, I like to tell people that the first record album I ever bought was Meet The Beatles, but that's a lie, the first record album I ever bought was ...
Jose Jimenez Talks To Teenagers Of All Ages.

Yeah, a comedy record, recorded by a jewish guy who talked like a retarded mexican guy.
How is that for politcial correctness.
But hey ...
I was only thirteen years old and retarded sounding mexican guys were almost as funny as jokes about boners and farts.
So what can I say???

Jose Jimenez Talks to Teenagers of All Ages
- The Astronaut.
And yeah, it still cracks me up.

But seriously, Meet The Beatles was the second album I ever bought.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Sleeping with the fishes

I had another weird dream last night.
I dreamt that I had crossed the Mafia and I was on the run for my life.
My whole sleep pattern last night was like a bunch of short stories all inter connected by the crossing the Mafia theme, and you notice how I capitalize Mafia as a sign of respect just in case they monitor my site.
The only dream I really remember was the one where to escape the Mafia I steal a row boat, row to Malaysia, dress like a woman, and live in the jungle.
I woke up in a cold sweat, and the wind was kind of blowing, and the house was making weird noises, at least I thought the wind was blowing and the house was making weird noises, I mean it might not have been a dream after all, and maybe the Mafia was the one making the weird noises, and to tell you the truth, I was kind of afraid to move, you know, I was still half asleep, and you know how the mind plays tricks on you, and I was half expecting somebody named Guido to jump out any second and garrote me, but eventually I had to get up and take a leak and the whole Mafia spell was broken, and maybe I shouldn't have called the imaginary Mafia guy Guido, maybe I should have just referred to him as Bob.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Fab, Gear, and Groovy

Check out all the cool music videos from the mid-sixties on

My two favorites are ...

Marianne Faithfull

Sam the Sham and the Pharohs

Brought to you by You Tube

The cigarette butts of my youth

When I was a teenager I had the attic bedroom, which was cool because it was the biggest bedroom in the house, and it had a huge walk in closet which I didn't use as a closet, I used it as my hippie hangout pad instead, and it had a bunch of posters, and it had a black light too, and an AM/FM radio, and my record player with detachable speakers, and all my LPs, which included Country Joe and the Fish, and Steppenwolf, and Peter Paul and Mary, and the Lovin' Spoonful, and the Jefferson Airplane, and then there was my stash of Playboy magazines which were hidden way in the back, in a foot locker, behind the STOP sign I had stolen when they were repaving the street I lived on, and my favorite Playboy was the January 1968 issue with Connie Kreski as the Playmate of the Month, and Connie Kreski was cool because she was from Detroit and she was blonde, and she had perfect breasts, and even perfecter puffies, and I didn't even know what puffies were back then, but she had them, and they were perfect, and she was perfect, and who cared if she was air brushed, because we were going to get married, and have kids, but then I graduated from high school, and she moved out to California, and she started hanging out with Hef at the Mansion, and then I enlisted in the Air Force, and we started drifting apart, Connie and I did, and then she married James Caan, yeah, that James Caan, the actor from the Godfather and all those other movies, and that hurt, but the marriage didn't last, but still we never re-connected, it wouldn't have worked out anyway, she was Hollywood now, and I was in college on the GI Bill, and after Hef, the Mansion, and James Caan, I don't think she could have made do on the few hundred a month I was raking in from Uncle Sugar ... that's Uncle Sam to you non GI Bill recipients, and just when did this post lose focus?