You wanted a post, you got a post.

Why I am awake at four thirty in the morning.
1. I'm worried about the Two Coreys.
2. I'm thinking about how funny it would be to see a video of cats on an automated treadmill.
3. I just finished making a big picture of lemonade for anyone who would like to mow my lawn.
4. And when I say picture I mean pitcher.
5. And now I can't get the image of the giant smiling pitcher of Kool-Aid out of my head, and if I do ever get to sleep I'll probably dream about him ... AGAIN, and let's hope that this time it's not one of *those* dreams.
6. I think if I were a cartoon character I would be Daffy Duck, or maybe Sylvester the cat's son, who I am sure has a name, and I could probably do a Google and find out, but ... ok, I will.
7. Ok, his name was Junior, and how much of a let down is that, seriously, how much thought went into that, and I know that Junior was just a tertiary character, but still.
8. Ha, I worked tertiary into a post!!!
9. I wonder if any of my buzznet friends are around?
10. They all think I am incredibly handsome, and yeah, it's kind of embarrassing, but they depend on me so much, that, well, what harm can it do, I mean, I can play incredibly handsome if I have to.

I just poked a hole in my ear drum, but that's ok, because I couldn't hear out of that ear anyway.

I almost hyperventilated at the store today, and I'm serious too.
My sinus were so bad that I couldn't breathe through my nose, and before I realized that I could breathe through my mouth I was in full out hyperventilated mode, and where are the paper or plastic guys when you need them, because I could have used a paper bag for sure, but you probably already knew that, and I wish I knew what caused my sinus to do that, because not only is it rude, it is a hazard to my health.

Monday is as Monday does.

I thought I made a post in here about three this morning.
I must be losing my mind, wait, there it is.
S'ok now.

On Sunday it never seems old.

Oh, my precious blog, please forgive me for neglecting you.
I've been wooed by others, but don't despair.
I proclaim by all that is holy that ummmmmmmmmmmm.
Hold on, I have to go check out buzznet.
Be back in a bit.
See ya, wouldn't want to be ya. har har har har.

I'm posting, ok, I'm posting

Ten ways you can identify a stalker.
1. She is jealous of your buzznet friends, and will probably sacrifice a small domesticated animal when she finds out that this will also be posted on buzznet.
2. She claims she lives on Guam, a made up place if there ever was one.
3. She has many cats.
4. She names all her cats after Martins Sheen's children.
5. She considers blood one of the basic food groups.
6. She believes the NKOTB live in her spare bedroom and the gay one is stealing her underwear.
7. She thinks everyone lusts after her feet.
8. She has an imaginary lover that looks like Jackie Earle Haley.
9. She makes all her important life decisions based on the findings of her Magic 8 Ball.
10. She keeps a Nancy Kerrigan dream diary. No, she keeps two Nancy Kerrigan dream diaries. One is PG13 and the other one is R rated.

I think I'm going to turn this into a dream posting blog because that's all I ever do, that and surf porn

I dreamt last night that I gave Jackie Earle Haley, you know, that bad ass kid Kelly Leak from all the Bad News Bears movies, yeah him, I dreamt that I gave Jackie Earle Haley a flash light, and I think he thought it was some kind of sex toy until I told him that sometimes a flash light is just a flash light.
He nodded knowingly.

JEH then


JEH now

It's ok, really it is.

So, mostly I just post on buzznet now.

Erg

It's almost seven in the morning and I just woke up after not falling asleep till four thirty in the morning, and I just looked outside and saw that animals have knocked over the Thursday morning take out the trash trash cans that I took out Wednesday evening.

Photographic proof that the Thursday morning trash trash cans that I took out Wednesday evening have been knocked over.


I am much too sleepy to go out and turn the trash cans over, ok, they've already been turned over, but you know what I mean, you know, put the trash cans upright, but upright just seems like such a priggish word, and I'm so sleepy, so I'm not thinking too straight, well, I'm STRAIGHT, but, well, you know what I mean, and yeah, I bet you're thinking, oh, right boz, you're too sleepy to go turn over the trash cans, but not too sleepy to take a half a dozen pictures through the living room window, or not too sleepy to make this journal entry, and all I can say is BUSTED.

Good night, errr, morning.

It sucks getting old.

That's what my sister said to me the last time we talked about our mother.

She carries on conversations with the television.

She talks to Perry Mason, and Hawkeye Pierce, and Laura Ingalls, and Nellie Olson.

She talks to neighbors.

She talks to friends.

She talks to relatives.

She talks to people who are no longer here.

I used to try and tell her that it was just the television, but she has always been stubborn and she never believed me.

I even yelled at her once, and for that I am very ashamed.

Now I just let her talk and agree with whatever she says.

It worries me, but I guess it could be worse.

It sucks getting old.

It's good being boz

The much talked about, the much anticipated, the totally awesome package from abrowncat.
Seriously, this is just about the coolest package I have ever gotten.
The contents:
1. A Nestle Treasures Dark Chocolate Truffle candy bar, which I tried not to eat before I took this picture, but it didn't work, and it was very good, and it was TRUFFLES!!!
2. A mouse pad with waves and everything on it which will always remind me of Annette, and Gidget, and all the other little surf chickies from all the little surf movies of the mid 60's.
3. A set of 10 photo frame cards for photos and stuff.
4. 8 velcro utility ties, which I might be able to use as handcuffs or at least finger cuffs.
5. A miniature rubber pirate duckie, and I can tell it's a pirate because he is holding a map under his wing with X marking the spot.
6. An easy open pop 'n pull for pop top cans, which hopefully MB will be able to use so she doesn't have to wake me up in the middle of the night when she wants ANOTHER beer.
7. An inked stamp which reads "I'd rather be ..." which will be very useful when I found out where, or what, I'd rather be.
8. A 15 pack of Glow Stick Bracelets which I'll be sure to use when the Senior Center has their next rave. (Ok, seriously, I have never been to a senior center in my life ... because I'm not old enough, and I was just making a joke, ok??? ok???)
9. Pencils ... pencils ... and more pencils, and did any of you, while you were in school, ever drop a pencil on the floor so you could sneak a look up the skirt of the hot girl who sat behind you?
10. A magic towel that you place in water and then watch expand into a towel that is 100% cotton, which will be great if I ever go on vacation, or to jail, and have limited packing space.
11. A Salonpas patch for aches and pains ... wait, there are 20 patches, so maybe I can mummify myself, and seriously, I have enough aches and pains where it would take 20 patches to, uhhh, take care of all my aches and pains.
12. A pad of Alaska sticky notes, and I'm pretty sure that abrowncat didn't get these in Alaska, but she might have, and my oldest nephew was born in Alaska just a few months after the Great Alaskan Earthquake of 1964.
And now the two BIG gifts, not that the other gifts aren't BIG gifts, it's just that these two are even BIGGER than the other BIG gifts.
13. A C.S.I t-shirt ... CSI ... Can't Stand Idiots ... which would probably be the t-shirt you would get if the "I'm With Stupid" t-shirt just didn't cut it any more.
14. A Peanut Butter and Jelly Time t-shirt with the dog that I don't know the name of from Family Guy dressed in a banana costume and shaking his marachis ... cha cha cha, and I do like peanut butter, but I'm pretty mehhhh about jelly, but I will wear this t-shirt with pride, and I promise I will do a Google search and find out the dog's name, and you know, I'm not sure if I am more like the dog that I don't know the name of, or Stewie, but I know I'm like one of them.

This is a seriously totally awesome package.
Thanks ABC!!!

I'll take Mom & Pop for $200.00 Alex

I hired Mom & Pop's raking service to take care of the leaves in my yard, but I'm starting to get a little worried.

You know the old saying about never eating at a diner called Mom's or playing poker with a guy name Pop, I think that may carry over to leaf raking too.



When I told a friend about Mom & Pop she replied thusly in a series of frantic emails:

1. Forget mom and pop's raking service, I will rake your yard for the small fee of $7,000!!!!!!!!

2. I am a little worried that mom and pop are really coming over to case the joint, so be on alert. I saw this once in Home Alone, except your part was played by Macaulay Culkin and mb's part was cut.

3. Mom and pop are definitely planning to a.) rob you blind, or b.) try to get you involved in a pyramid scheme

4. You will get sick of the pop tarts pretty quickly i am guessing. Mom and pop probably love them and will eat them along with YOUR LIVER!!!!!!!!!

5. You made a video of yourself eating pop tarts??????? That will be all that is left to remember you by once mom and pop harvest your organs, so you should post this video.

6. I am just checking to see if you are alive or if mom and pop gutted you.

7. I was hoping that was a picture of mom and pop gutting you.

8. Gee, do you think your sickness has anything to do with that snickers bar? I hope you didn't eat or drink anything mom and pop brought you either.

As you can see she also warned me about the dangers of Pop Tarts and Snicker's bar.

10 Cd's that I didn't know what I was thinking about when I bought them

I don't think I've purchased a CD in about 7 or 8 years. I think the last CD I purchased was a Lonnie Donnegan Greatest Hits collection, and seriously, why isn't he in the rock and roll hall of fame, but anyway, yeah, I don't buy Cd's anymore, I just download now, and yeah, I do it LEGALLY (smirk), so, yeah, here are 10 Cd's that I didn't know what I was thinking about when I bought them, and I'm sure there are more, but these are the first 10 I ran across.

1. Deanna Carter, Did I Shave My Legs For This - Great title, but I think I was going through a mainstream country phase at the time, and this might be the one that ended it.

2. The Dixie Chicks, Wide Open Spaces - What can I say, I dig cross-eyed chicks, and did you see the short blond one when she was one the DIY program Trading Spaces, and I could have called her the short chunky blond, but I didn't.

3. The Corrs, Talk On Corners - Are we starting to notice a trend here? I mean, c'mon I never even noticed that one of the Corrs was a guy, and they really have that Galway Girl dark hair, blue eyes thing down, don't they.

4. Derek And The Domino's, Layla - Ok, I thought there was a song on this CD that I really liked back when I first got out of the air force back in 1972, but it turns out the song I really liked was by Ten Years After, and seriously I think he pushed his kid out the window.

5. Fairport Convention, Encore Encore - A really piss poor live CD which I thought was a greatest hits CD that was recorded, I don't know, 20 years after Sandy Denny died, and they didn't even get a chick singer to replace SD on her lead vocals, I mean DAMN!!!

6. U2, Joshua Tree - Ok, this is the kind of CD that you would think I would love, but geez, I've had it over ten years and I've never listened to it all the way through, and c'mon now, there is only one Bono, and that's Sonny!

7. Matapedia - Kate & Anna McGarrigle - I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I must have had a vagina when I bought this one.

8. R.E.M, Monster - Everyone should own at least one R.E.M. CD, but this isn't the one.

9. Paula Cole, This Fire - Ok, I admit it, I really liked Where Have All The Cowboys Gone, and I know that it was tongue in cheek, and yeah, Paula Cole is sort of naked on the cover, and we share the same last name, but the rest of this CD made me wish that I didn't have ears.

10. Bettie Serveert, Dust Bunnies - Who the fuck is Bettie Serveert???

Ten fairly common things that I have never done.

1. Eaten a pop tart.
2. Ridden a horse.
3. Stared Charlie down from the wrong end of a bayonet ... no, I've done that, well, not really, but it's an urban legend that I started about myself when it became chic in the early 80's to sort of hint that you might have served in Vietnam even if you actually hadn't, and I actually worked with a guy that actually hinted, actually, he more than hinted, and you know I actually believed him until I realized that he didn't graduate from high school until June of 1973, which was I think a couple of months after the war ended, and when I asked him when he served in the army he said 1975 through 1977, and I said it must have been hard serving in Vietnam after everybody else had left, and then he admitted that he hadn't actually served in Vietnam, but that he had actually (and how many times have I typed actually?) served in Germany, and then I said sarcastically, that yeah, Germany was real tough duty in the 70's, and then he got all indignant and said he had served in the coldest part of Germany, and even though it wasn't Vietnam, it was almost as bad as Vietnam, well, except for the cats in black pjs and BF Goodrich sandals trying to kill you, and that's the reason I started the "Staring down Charlie from the wrong end of a bayonet" urban legend about myself as a way of poking fun at the guys that really, really, really wanted you to believe that uh, well, you know, the whole Vietnam chic thing that I mentioned a few lines back, but you know, I did spend a month in Turkey when I was in the air force, and the hash wasn't all that good, and neither were the three dollar prostitutes.



4. Did it.
5. Did it.
6. Did it.
7. Did it.
8. Did it.
9. Did it.
10. Ahhhhh, yeah, I did that too.

Seriously, if I didn't know that I made this stuff up I wouldn't think that I made it up.

The Freudian Penis of Doom patiently awaits the arrival of his Russian mail order Freudian Vagina of Doom.

Thanks for listening.

Ten things you would find in my bedroom without looking too hard, with accompanying photographs.

1. A spray bottle of store brand orange scented Fabreze.




2. A 6.7 ounce of Intimate Warming Massage.



3. A monkey on my shoulder.



4. A little Liz Phair nipple slippage.



5. Something Freudian.



6. A C# Hohner blues harp.



7. Zoloft, but don't worry I'm not a teenage boy.



8. Cheap sunglasses.



9. Three unread novels(IN ONE FUCKING VOLUME) by Henry Miller that I might start reading tonight, yeah, what are the odds of that!



10. Cheap whiskey, which makes sense because I don't drink, well, ok, like, I might have a drink every two years or so.

I should do a salt water gargle.

Happy 37th birthday to Shannen Doherty, and I bet people misspell her name a lot.



I like to think of Shannen as America's answer to Princess Di, except for the whole tunnel thing, and wasn't there something about land mines too?

Miss June and the summer of 1961

It's four in the morning and I can't sleep so I guess I should tell you about the summer that Wesley from across the street and I turned eleven years old.

To be continued.

Ditto Kiddo

I had a dream last night that I was Eric Stolz and scored 100% on a spelling test. This wasn't the Eric Stolz from Mask, it was the Eric Stolz from Some Kind of Wonderful, and seriously how could Eric Stolz not realize that even though five years down the road Mary Stuart Masterson would come out of the closet as a screaming bull dyke, not that there is anything wrong with it, but how could Eric Stolz not realize that Mary Stuart Masterson was a much better choice than that stuck up piece of PWT Lea Thompson, and seriously I have never felt that in any way, shape, or form that Lea Thompson was even remotely attractive.

M-a-a-a-a-a-a-n, I don't wanna update my blog

Seriously, I've got nothing to say, and I still have a cold, but I did get my state income tax refund today, and I wanted to deposit in the credit union, but I couldn't find my credit union card, and the teller said that he could look it up, and then I asked if he could make me a new card, and he said no problem, and while he was in the back room making my card, and probably snorting coke, I found my card, but I didn't say anything, and right now I'm listening to Tom Rush sing No Regrets, and Tom Rush is either from Vermont or New Hampshire, and hell if I know which is which, and why didn't they call Vermont New Vermont, makes sense to me, and I almost typed makes since to me, and I've got a big bruise on my left leg, above the knee, on the inner thigh, right where nobody can see it, unless I want them to, and would you like to see it?

Just to let you know what's happening.

It's four in the morning and I'm sick as a dog, or maybe I mean like a dog, and my fucking keyboard can't keep up with my train of thought, I should back track a bit, I'm pretty sure I mean sick as a dog, I mean, because even in my feverish state being sick like a dog doesn't make any sense.

So, I'm sick as a dog, and, you know, sick as a dog doesn't make much sense either, so let's just say I'm sick, or as my doctor likes to say, I've got the creeping crud, or maybe he just says the crud, but I like creeping crud better because it's alliterative, and really, just how often am I alliterative, so cut me some slack, por favor.

Ok, I've got the creeping crud, and shit, that just sounds wrong, so let's just say that I'm under the weather, nah, let's just say I don't feel ...........
What the fuck .... a goddamn alarm just went off, and I thought for sure it was a smoke alarm, and I thought for sure that the house was burning down, and I thought for sure that I wouldn't be able to finish this post, so I ran out to see what it was, I mean, it wasn't long ago that MB put a hot dog bun in the microwave and set the timer for seventeen hours, and let me tell you something, that after seventeen hours in a microwave a hot dog bun is ahhhhhhhhhh, charcoal. So I went running out to see what it was, half expecting to be overcome by smoke, and the sound was coming from the bathroom, and seriously, all this happened while I was writing this post, and the sound was coming from the bathroom, and I don't have a smoke detector in the bathroom, and yeah .... fuck it, it was the little digital clock, I guess MB, or maybe even me, and yeah, I do some pretty bat shit crazy things at times, anyway, one of us must have pushed the little clicky thing and put the alarm on, I don't know, I guess it's just not my day.

So, I'm sick, and I can't sleep because every time I lay down, or lie down, and I'm pretty sure it's lay down, but I'm hedging my bets, but every time I lay down my nose gets so stuffed up it's like I'd need a set of allen wrenches to open them up, and I'm not even sure what allen wrenches are, so that should tell you just how sick I am.