Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Boz, the squirrel humanitarian

I am not a squirrel killer.
Here is what happened.
There was a squirrel, see, that must have fallen out of a tree in my front yard, and I'm surprised that doesn't happen more often they way they jump around from branch to branch like some kind of cult of suicidal banzai maniacs.
Well, this squirrel was laying out in my front yard, and he wasn't moving too well, just sort of going around in circles, so I went out to see what the matter was and the squirrel was laying on it's stomach with it's hind legs obviously broken, or at least severely sprained and it was trying to pull itself to safety just using it's teeny tiny little front legs, and it really looked kind of funny sort of like the WWII homeless veterans who have lost their legs and hang around the downtown area on their little wheeled sleds and who have to pull themselves along using their hands, arghhhhhhhh, I'm not doing a very good job describing this, wait ... like the Eddie Murphy character at the start of the movie Trading Places, yeah, that's what the poor little broken bodied squirrel looked like, and when I said it looked kind of funny like a WWII homeless veteran, well, that was a misprint, I really don't think homeless people, be they veteran or non-veteran are in the least bit funny, unless of course they are wearing clown make-up, which would actually make them more scary than funny.
So anyway, there's this broken bodied little squirrel laying in my front yard, and it's obvious to me that no little squirrel ambulance full of little squirrel paramedics is going to come to his aid anytime soon. So, what could I do?
I'm a non-violent kind of guy, just putting it out of it's misery was out of the question, and how would I have done it anyway, a gun, ha, a rock to the head, ha, a lethal injection, ha ...
No, there was no way that I could kill it, so I did the next best thing, actually, I did the best thing, the humanitarian thing. I went to the shed and got a shovel, and sort of scooped it up, which wasn't all that easy to do because I don't think squirrels like to be scooped, so I scooped it up in the shovel and carried it over to a little wooded area across the street from my house, and I gently placed the squirrel down in the relative safety of the woods where I hoped he could die with a little peace and dignity.
So, does that make me a squirrel killer???

5 comments:

hijacked frequencies said...

at the very LEAST it makes you a squirrel scooper, which is one tiny step from becoming one of those squirrel serial killers i'm always hearing about on the local news.

Belle said...

you conveniently worded it so that no one else would figure out that you BURIED THE SQUIRREL ALIVE! SQUIRREL KILLER!

hijacked frequencies said...

DEAR GOD BOZZI!!! HAVE YOU NO SHAME????

Boz said...

Animal rescue???
Are you kidding?
Animal rescue here is the dog catcher, and if he by some remote chance ever made it out here he would have clunked it with a shovel and bagged it, and yeah it was sad, but what can you do.

Unknown said...

Boz, as someone who has taken pot shots at squirrels and birds with a BB gun, let me say:

Tell the bleeding hearts who don't have 10,000,000 of the little fuckers running around shitting in their yards to kiss it!!! Kill the wabbit!!!! Mister Bunny Wabbit!!!!! I'm coming for you!!!