Hello Newman

The funniest, yet in many ways the most pathetic, post I have ever made on Buzznet.

A big whewwwwwwwwwwwwww

I dreamed last night that I was 19 or 20, and I was in the army, and I had been convicted as part of a conspiracy to frag a guy who nobody liked because he was too gung-ho, and the judge felt sorry for me, and I thought he was going to let me off, but he started to give me a five year sentence, but before he could finish what he was saying I started crying, and pleading for mercy, and then I woke up, and let out a big whewwwwwwww, and said to myself that thank god it was only a dream, and then I fell right back to sleep, and the dream picked up where it had left off, and I was trying to explain to the judge why I did what I did, and then I woke up again, and let out another big whewwwwwwwwww, and then I fell back to sleep, and yeah, this went on most of the night.

Is this a conundrum?

I just had an energy drink about a half hour ago, and now I can barely keep my eyes open.



Also, it may have been the worst tasting energy drink I've ever had.

Resolutions

1. Save the world.
2. Never go three days without shaving.
3. Become a more responsible blogger.
4. Eat a lot of peaches.
5. Try to find Jesus on my own.
6. Get a tattoo of a naked lady on my left shoulder blade.
7. Become totally enamored of a singer or group that I have never heard of.
8. See all the Rocky movies in sequence in one sitting.
9. Write a novel about the time me and Neal Cassady bummed our way across country.
10. Rock the Casbah.

The Time of the Ancient Mariner

The nice little faux Asian box I just bought to ...



Keep my watches in!

Rimshot ...

There will be five days of mourning for Gerald Ford.

That's almost as long as his presidency ... rimshot!!!

But seriously, it's pretty bad when the best thing you can say about a former president is that he had integrity, and what's even worse is that he's one of the few former presidents that actually had it.

Assault on the battery

Instead of buying a new watch, ok, I did buy a new watch, but the battery was dead, and like yeah, I'm going to exchange a watch that I got from a store that sells watches that are so old that their battery's are dead, the hell I am, just give me a refund if you don't mind, thank you very much, so, I was going to buy a new watch after I exchanged the other new watch, then I remembered all the old watches, old watches that I really liked, that were, I don't know, hidden away in various junk drawers, in various parts of the house, and after a brief search, and then a longer search I found these two watches that with new batteries will be as good as new, or at least as good as new as the new watch I took back that had a dead battery, and around and around and around ...





So, for about seven bucks I get two new old watches that I really like, and if I like them so much how come I didn't just get new batteries when their old batteries went dead, and that's not a question I expect you to answer, or understand, I'm just floating it out there.

I've got it!!!
These watches must be cursed.

Is it over yet?

I need a shave.
I need to quit eating so much.
I need to return my watch.
I need to tell you about the two free pizzas I got.
I need a hit cause I'm going down.
I need for my stomach to quit making funny noises, not funny ha-ha, but funny as in unusual, like ...
Gee, his stomach is making unusual noises.
I need spell check more than ever.
I need to stop the sympathetic twitching in conjunction with my ...
Conjunction junction what's my function???
I need something to use in place of italics, you know, like a better grasp of grammer.
I need to download a CD by Buffy Sainte Marie, or Saint Marie, or St. Marie, or Ste. Marie, or Joan Baez.
I need a new tattoo, yeah, on my left shouldre, shoulder.
I need to air the garage out after my niece leaves, because she smokes out there, Marlboro 100s in the box, but if they don't have the box the soft pack will do, and cigarette smoke makes me ill, which is weird, and stop me if you've heard this before, it's weird because I used to smoke two cartoo ... cartons of cigarettes a week, and it never made me ill, but now it does, and it doesn't make any sense to me either, and you used to be able to smoke everywhere, hell, you were EXPECTED to smoke everywhere, but now you can't.
That's all.

Merry Christmas

Your choice

What would you like to see?
1. The scar on my hip from my last surgery.
2. The dried flaking skin on my left pinkie finger.
3. An artistic photograph of my pubic hair.
4. A list of the urls of my favorite porn sites.
5. My collection of refrigerator magnets.
6. The swept up dust bunnies from under my bed.
7. The CDs that I am ashamed to admit that I own.
8. The contents of the storage bin that holds all the stuff that people have sent me that I don't have on display.
9. All my medications, both over the counter and prescribed.
10. My almost hairless underarms.

A comment I heard in Staples today

Teenage girl to her father:
You don't know who Hello Kitty is? She's the cat with the big ass head.

Merry Xmas a day or two early

The Junky's Christmas by William Burroughs

The Junky's Christmas as read by William Burroughs with background music by The Disposable Heroes of Hiphopracy and Hal Wilner

If you give me weed, whites, and wine, and you show me a sign

I had a nice friendly Google Chat with my good friend ChampSuper* today.
That's all I got. I just wanted an excuse to post this pic.



ChampSuper* ... her tongue knows it's way around a bottle of beer.

Is that a monkey on your shoulder, or are you just glad to be me?

I am so tired I am starting to hallucinate.
There's a monkey on my shoulder, one of those little spider monkeys, and his name is Baboo.

Does Baboo want a banana???
Does he wuzzy wuzzy?
Baboo, you are my best friend, well, you and Miss Daisy.
Baboooooooooooo, oh sweet Baboooooooooooooooo.
Coooo coooo Ka-chooooooooooooooo.
C'mon Baboo, let's you and me go try out that new sex toy that came in the mail today.

Click ...

And as always, the part of Baboo was played by the ghost of Frank Sinatra.

What if ??? #5

We got a Christmas card yesterday from our daughter Candice and her life partner Martha. They'll be spending Christmas at some kind of conference/retreat/seminar called Women of the 21st Century somewhere in Colorado. Candice teaches at a community college, and Martha is a performance artist.
Look, I'm fine with Martha being a lesbian, but it was so much easier when I could refer to her girlfriend as her girlfriend instead of as her life partner.

What if ??? #4

Juanita wanted to have sex last night. Just like that she sprung it on me. Right after the Local News at Ten on the Fox affiliate out of Flint/Saginaw/Bay City. Juanita, babe, sweetie, honey, I love you, but I'M NOT A MACHINE! I need time to work up to something like that. You know, a couple of those college girl pictorials from Playboy magazine, or an episode or two of The Red Shoes Diary.
Ok, we made love. I was the Marlboro Man, and Juanita was Emma Peel, and sometimes you have to be other people, but that's ok, because we both knew that we were really Juanita and Boz, and it was good, but since it's five thirty in the morning and I still haven't been to sleep I guess you can tell that it was good, ok, it wasn't the Tigers win in the bottom of the ninth on a two out three ball two strike grand slam home run by Boz good, but it was as good as catching a re-run of the Twilight Zone on the Sci-Fi Channel that you hadn't seen since you were a kid good, and I guess that's pretty much all you can ask for, isn't it?
Juanita baby, you are such a fox.

What if ??? #3

I'm already dreading this visit from Juanita's parents.
Within five minutes of walking in the door Fran will start bragging about Juanita's first boyfriend Tyson, and how Tyson owns his own computer graphics company, and how Tyson has a home in the suburbs, and a home in the country, and a time share in Hawaii, and how Tyson got an invitation to one of the parties for President Bush's second inauguration, and yadda yadda, fucking yadda!!!
Tyson, what kind of name is that anyway?

Sunday morning on the bay

I got up real early yesterday, not on purpose, and I drove over to the bay, on purpose, and took this picture.



Click to enlarge, or make it bigger, it always works for me.

Into The Mystic

Ok, I'm leaving now. I'm going to do some xmas shopping, and some grocery shopping, and some drugstore shopping, and I'll be listening to Astral Weeks and Moondance by Van Morrison in the car, but I don't have any favorite pics of Van Morrison, because that would just be wrong.
I'll be stopping off for a pizza too. It's $4.99 for a large round one topper at Hungry Howie's today, oh, and did I tell you that the roof blew off the Pizza Hut about a month ago?

One way or another

I just had a craving for a cigarette, and it's been like twenty years since I quit smoking, it must be because I'm hungry, and speaking about hungry, I've lost 17 pounds since I started my diet on the last Sunday in October, which was the day that daylight savings time ended, and maybe that had something to do with it, you know, the moon and the stars and the tide all being aligned, or something like that.

I was listening to my Blondie's Greatest Hits, or whatever it is they call that CD, in the car today, and that made me think of my favorite Deborah Harry pic.

My favorite Debbie Harry pic.



And I just found my second favorite Debbie Harry pic while searching for my first Debbie Harry pic.

My second favorite Debbie Harry pic.