Sunday, April 29, 2007

Five in the hole roll your own

A personalized meme from Kat.

1. Which 'A List' blogger do you think is totally overrated and what the hell does he/she know, anyway?
Ok, you didn't define A List so I'll have to give my own definition of A List and my definition of A List is there is no such thing as A List blogs/bloggers, did you notice how I slipped that / in there, I learned that from you when you did he/she. Another thing, my sinus are bothering me big time, and I've taken a lot of medication, and I might get drowsy while doing this, no, drowsy isn't the word I'm thinking of, it's something like drowsy, but not exactly like drowsy, I think doped up might be a more accurate description of what I am now, and you know Kat, you should really do some more audioblogs, you were very good at that.

2. Let's pretend you get to hitch a mental ride with someone for a day, like in Being John Malkovich. Who would you 'be into' and why?
Now this is odd. Kat is from Texas, and a song by Doug Sahm just came on, and Doug Sahm is from Texas. Kat, do you know Doug Sahm, he's almost a legend down there with his Tex/Mex sound, and there, I used your / again. I think we should call that a Kat(/) from now on, pretty cool to have a punctuation mark named after you, isn't it. So, I guess it's obvious that I would have to pick Doug Sahm, because it's karma, or something, isn't it.

3. So many conflicts, so little time... You've been given the power to heal one of the world's ills, but only one. Which do you choose?
Penis envy, and that's pretty much self-explanatory.

4. There are certain celebrities the media is so fixated on there's no escaping the hype, try as you might. Which celebrities do you wish the earth would just swallow up?
Doug Sahm would top my list, that self important bastard, Tex/Mex my ass, and I guess you could add Julius and Ethel Rosenberg if they weren't already dead, and the guy who played Wyatt Earp on TV back in the 50's, and Sheri Lewis and her goddamned puppets, I mean they cancelled The Howdy Dowdy Show and replaced it with Shari Freakin Lewis and those goddamned gay ass puppets, HOWDY DOWDY, NOW THERE WAS A FUCKIN' BAD ASS PUPPET!!! I guess that's it unless you consider Dick Clark, and Dick Cavett, and anyone else with a Dick ... hahaha, unless you consider anyone else with a Dick in their name a celebrity.

5. If you could turn back time, if you could find a way, you could stop yourself, or someone else from making a monumentally stupid decision. What do you do, and sorry about the Cher earworm.
Me doing this meme, I worried about it all weekend, yeah, thanks alot Kat, where are the soft ball questions, the what's your favorite color, the what kind of tree would you be, yeah, thanks a lot Kat, and let me add something else, I think the worry that you caused me is either directly or indirectly the cause of my sinus attack, and one more thing, why the fuck do they call it a meme, it's a quiz, a survey, a questionnaire, the fucking internet has perverted everything I hold sacred!

According to internet law, see I told you it perverted everything, I have to add this little codicil, if it really is a codicil.
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions (or share here in the Comments section).
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.(OPTIONAL)
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.(OPTIONAL)

My 3 Encounters With Coffee

1. When I was about 5 or 6 years old after bugging and nagging, and bugging and nagging some more, my mother, the person you know as MB, finally relented and let me have my first cup of coffee, you know how kids are, they want to be grown-up, and I guess I figured the best way to be grown-up was to drink coffee, and yeah smoke unfiltered Camels like my old man, but I'd start nagging for that after the coffee. Anyway, the coffee was about 5% coffee and about 95% milk, oh that MB was a shrewd woman, and the coffee sucked, it sucked almost as much as this post is starting to suck, and really, I thought a post about why I don't drink coffee was a great idea, you know, it would give an insight into what made me the way I am, because, I'd be way different than I am now if I drank coffee ...
So, yeah, I took about two sips of the coffee and swore I'd never drink it again, and I didn't until ...
2. When I was 18 years old and out of high school Wesley from across the street gave me a call one night telling me that he needed a ride home from work. Wesley from across the street worked in a meat market in the Northland Shopping Center, which at the time was the biggest shopping center in the Detroit area, and about a half hour drive from where Wesley from across the street and I lived. So yeah, I told WFATS that I'd pick him up, but I expected a dollar for gas money, which at that time would buy a little over 5 gallons of gas, and WFATS agreed, and told me I should go to this little coffee shop in the shopping center and wait for him, and so I did. Oh, the shopping center was located on 8 Mile Road, the same 8 Mile that was the title of that movie that I didn't see, but yeah, it was. So anyway, I got to the coffee shop, and it was winter time, and it was dark, and it was cold, and there was a really pretty waitress working behind the counter, and I guess she was about my age, maybe a little older, and I guess I wanted to impress her, you know, show her how cosmopolitan I was, so I ordered a cup of coffee, and I ordered it BLACK. So, I sat there, sipping my BLACK coffee and looking at my watch, and wondering what was taking WFATS so long, and trying to get up enough nerve to talk to the waitress, who I had convinced myself was going to move out to California any day and become the next Joey Heatherton, and I sipped the coffee, and it was hot, and I didn't really like the taste, and it was hot, but I was sure that the waitress was impressed, and I was really going to talk with her the next time she came around, and I'd say something really urbane, and witty, and we'd hit it off, and she would put off her plans for going to Hollywood, and we'd date, and I don't know, after about the third or fourth date we'd have sex, and then we'd drop acid, and join a commune, and protest the war, and have sex again, and maybe try to get on The Price is Right, I don't know ...
But anyway, I finished my cup of coffee, and did I tell you that I would have much rather had a Coke, but yeah, I finished my coffee, and the waitress came around and asked me I wanted a re-fill, and I sort of stammered around and stared at her breasts, and said ... well, I really didn't say anything, I just sort of shook my head no, so she gave me my bill, and I was positive she was going to write her name and phone number on the bill, but she must have forgot, and I looked at the bill, and the coffee was twenty cents, so I took out twenty cents from my pocket, and then just to show the waitress what she was missing by not falling madly in love with me, I took a dollar out of my wallet and put it down next to the twenty cents and got up and walked out, and back then a dollar was a lot of money, you could buy a Volkswagen for a dollar, no shit, you really could, and ...
That's it. WFATS never showed up, so I left, and drove around, and then I probably went back home, and up to my bedroom, and I probably put on my Steppenwolf album and sang along to Goddamn the Pusher Man until I fell asleep or came.
3. Ok, I knew I said this was going to be my 3 encounters with coffee post, but fuck it, the second encounter was the best, so why bother with the third, ok, let's just say my third encounter with coffee was when I was in the air force and stationed on the island of Crete, and I was in the cafeteria for lunch before working an afternoon shift, and you know everyone drank coffee, and it was the whole peer pressure thing, so after I went through the line I stopped off and said what the hell I'm going to get a cup of coffee and prove to everyone that DAMMIT I'M A MAN TOO, so I'm standing in front of the coffee machine, you know sort of swaggering, sort of looking around, sort of nodding my head, sort of giving off the I'm cool, I'm cool vibe, and I took a coffee cup off the rack, and I'm nodding my head, and giving off this coolness vibe, and I'm looking around, you know, all cool and nonchalant, and then I pressed down on the little valve thing, you know the thing that lets the coffee out, and I'm cool, and looking around, and I'm swaggering, and believe me it's hard to swagger when you're standing still, but I was, I really was swaggering, and then the coffee shoots out, I mean really shoots out, and it hits the bottom of the coffee cup, but it shot out so fast that when it hit the bottom of the cup it splashed out all over my hand, and you're familiar with the word scalding aren't you, well yeah, the coffee was scalding, and my hand was turning pink, and tears were welling up in my eyes, and I sort of lost my swagger, and I put the coffee cup down, and sort of stuck my hand in the ice machine, and then I got a glass of milk, and never thought about drinking coffee again.

And no, I'm not going to proof read this for mistakes, I'll just run spell check and that's it.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Will I remember this in the morning?

I hear noises outside my bedroom window.
Outside human noises.
Outside people talking noises.
Outside car door noises.
The car just pulled away.
No more outside noises.
The outside noises must have come from across the street.
Noise travels late at night when it's quiet, and late, and dark, and quiet, and late and dark, and quiet, and late, and dark.
No more noises outside my bedroom window.
No more outside human noises.
No more outside car door noises.
The only noises are inside noises.
My computer is making noises.
My stomach is making noises.
My house is making creaky freaky deaky noises.
My imagination is making look out there's something with a big knife standing right behind you noises.
I think I should go to bed with a big gun tonight just in case, and maybe a flash light too, and some brass knuckles, and a bigger knife than the something standing behind me has, and some HAM, and some plastic explosives, and a copy of The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich, and one of those personal alarm things, that goes whooooooooooooooooop, whooooooooooooooooooooooooop, whoooooooooooooooooooooop when you're in danger, and a duck, and ...
My stomach is still making noises, you know those gurgly type noises that sometimes sounds like your stomach is actually speaking, and I wonder what my stomach would say to me if it could actually speak.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Does Janeane Garofolo have a Y chromosome lurking somewhere in her past?

Ten made up Google search queries that brought people to The Grand Ennui but really didn't, but could have if people who did Google searches were more imaginative.

1. Sequined jump suit covered in ham, and her mother's name, and is the mother still hot?
2. Janeane Garofolo had her sex change operation reversed when?
3. Did Alice Cooper and Iggy Stooge really have a baby together, out of wedlock, in the 70's, and does this baby now have a talk show on E?
4. Which one of the Two Corey's died during Operation Desert Storm, or am I thinking of the guy who played Chunk?
5. Can dead people still fart?
6. When did Brian Bonsall officially become the devil?
7. Is it true that Tootie's roller skates are in the Smithsonian Institute, or is Brian Bonsall just pulling my leg?
8. Boz, the 5th Beatle???
9. Who, or what, came first Meatloaf the person or meatloaf the food you put a lot of catsup on?
10. Can I get pregnant the first time? PS, I'm a boy.

A reasonable facsimile of

A Mr. Fart Free Leche of Fort Lee New Jersey writes:
What's Zoloft - can you get me some adderall and you should take a pic of the goth chic and send it to me. Thank you.

Dear Mr. Leche,
Zoloft is a drug for depression or anxiety that can lead teenage boys to kill, but for us more mature types it works pretty good unless you are fond of sleeping. Up until a year ago it cost about 100 bucks for a one month supply, but then the generic came out, and it went down to about 62 bucks a month, I should point out that for the first year of it's genericity it was restricted to one generic distributor, but now any drug company can produce it, which has driven the price way down to about 14 bucks a month, and I imagine that pretty soon the Evil Empire will make it a part of their 4 Buck A Month Generic Drug Program, which at least to me makes the Empire somewhat less Evil than before, but that's only me, you can still hate away if you like.

Ok, if you put some clothes on her, get rid of the cigar, add a pair of glasses with black frames, and maybe lose a little of the make-up, and put a little meat on her bones, this would be a reasonable facsimile of the gith girl, or goth girl, from the other day at the store.

And ...
No, I can't get you any adderall, but I've got a used, but clean, pair of underalls from the 80's that you can have for the price of postage.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

What's up with the VMofD???

He takes a tumble off the top shelf ...

But he assures me that he is alright, maybe just a little dizzy but alright, and maybe his left heel feels like he has a heel spur but he's fine, seriously, he's fine, ok, his sinus might be acting up a little bit from the way his head hit but honest he's fine, and of course his spine is going to be hurting because he's had two spinal fusions but that's to be expected, so there is nothing seriously wrong, I mean , he was able to fix a meat loaf for dinner AFTER he fell, he couldn't do that if there was anything wrong could he, so yeah, he's fine, and don't be concerned about the numbness up and down his left side, he had that even before he fell, so that doesn't count, of course it did aggravate it a bit, but still the monkey is not going to use that as an excuse, or a crutch, but you know, he does have a crutch, no wait, he has a cane, and I think he's been using it, but that's just a precautionary measure, there's nothing wrong, trust me ...

CALL 911, CALL 911, CALL 911 ...

The above was a dramatisation, no VMsofD were harmed during the writing of this post.

Friday, April 20, 2007

You are the only reason that I write, of course I lie a lot

So, I fell asleep at 2 am and woke up at 4 am and got up and took a leak.
I couldn't fall back to sleep so I turned on the television, but the cable box wasn't working, of course I thought I had broken it, but I hadn't, it was just down, but it wasn't down for long because it came back on after I fucked with the controls for about ten minutes, and me fucking with the controls had nothing to do with it, like I said, it was just down, and then it came back on, are you following this so far?

Anyway, the cable came back on and I started surfing the premium channels looking for a movie, figuring that if I found a movie that was kind of interesting I could watch it till I fell asleep. So I surfed and surfed and surfed and surfed, I did a lot of surfing because I have that digital cable thing with about 30 or 40 premium channels, and I told you about how it was six dollars cheaper to get the digital cable package with internet access than it was basic cable with internet access, I just reiterated that because I didn't want you to think I was being all elitist by having digital cable, I mean, it was cheaper, what could I do???

Ok, this is where it gets weird.
I couldn't find anything that I cared to watch, and you'd think that with 30 to 40 premium channels that the law of averages would ... yeah you'd think that wouldn't you, but nope, there wasn't, so I said to myself, not out loud, I didn't say something to myself out loud, I thought to myself, yeah, that's what I meant to say, thinking to oneself isn't abnormal, I didn't say to myself, I thought to myself ...
So, I thought to myself, and that has a nice ring to it, doesn't it ...
So, I thought to myself I'll turn off the tv and read, and if you've been following my blog faithfully like I know you do, and btw ... just who the fuck are you ???
Yeah, if you've been following my blog faithfully you'll know I've been reading Lord Jim by Joesph Conrad, and yeah, I thought to myself, thought not said, that I'll turn off the tv and read some more of Lord Jim, and all the time I was thinking this, I had my finger on the search button on the remote, and if by freakin' magic when I took my finger off the remote it stopped on channel 600, yeah, channel 600, and it was 5 am, and a new movie was just starting, just starting at 5 am on channel 600, and I was poised to turn the tv off and read some more of Lord Jim, and the new movie was starting, and the credits started rolling, and the new movie was just starting, and I was going to turn off the tv and read some more of Lord Jim, and the new movie was just starting, and the new movie, the new movie that was just starting was ...
Yeah, it was Lord Jim ...
Lord Fuckin' Jim, how was that for a coincidence, I mean seriously.
But yeah, the movie is almost three hours long, and I knew there was no way I could stay up and watch a movie for three hours, but you know hbo/cinemax/showtime/tmc/starz, if a movie is on once it is on a thousand times, so not to worry I'll catch Lord Jim the next time it is on, and isn't this quite the story for six thirty in the morning!

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

My flesh wants to burst out of my shirt and do the Macarena with you

So, I was just sitting here, playing with my mouse, scrolling up and down the page, talking to myself, trying to figure out what to do next, wondering about whether I should start believing in something, clearing my throat, running my hand through my beard, thinking about how cool I am, considering reading some more, considering getting something to eat, something to drink, something to inhale, something to quash, or quell the queasiness, looking at the clock, looking at my cock, cocking my head to one side, and then the other, looking through smudged glasses, my fingers poised, ready to pounce when a thought, any thought appears ... HARK ... a thought.
It's raining. It has been for a few minutes. It's not raining heavy, but I can hear it falling, beating, whatevering on the roof.
I can hear the tv from the other room. I think it's a musical on Turner Classic Movies, but the music just stopped, so maybe it's a swashbuckling pirate movie with Basil Rathbone and Yvonne DeCarlo, and The Kids From Fame.
I just ran out of gas.
I can still hear the rain if that counts for anything.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Seperated at birth


Photo Hosted at Buzznet

A tip of the hat to Mannaz for bringing it to my attention.

While out sailing on the ocean, while out sailing on the sea, I bumped into the saviour, and he said pardon me ... thank you John Prine

In my quest for Vonnegut I went to the St. Vincent De Paul Thrift Store.
They had tons of books.
They didn't have any Vonnegut.
So I got some other books at ten cents a pop.
I got a John Irving.
I got a couple of Joesph Heller's.
I got an F. Scott Fitzgerald.
I got something else that I don't remember.
I got Lord Jim by Joesph Conrad.
I'm reading Lord Jim now.
I'm just starting to get into it.
Someone told me that I reminded them of Lord Jim.
Or maybe it was Billy Budd.
Or it could have been Popeye.
Let's start over, and leave out the part about Popeye.
And yeah, maybe it was Lord Jim, because I see myself sharing some of the same demons that Lord Jim shared.
Or maybe I just have a messiah complex.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Gnarly dude, gnarly

What do you know about puka shells, a quiz.

1. When were puka shell necklaces popular?
2. Why were puka shell necklaces popular?
3. What are puka shells?
4. Will a puka shell ever be elected president?
5. If the Flash, Superman, and a puka shell had a foot race who would win?
6. Do you think Kurt Vonnegut would have been taken more seriously as a writer if he wrote more about puka shells?
7. Do you believe the eye witness accounts about a man with a puka shell necklace seen leaving the grassy knoll just seconds after shots were fired?
8. Is that a puka shell in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
9. If your son came to you and told you that he wanted a puka shell necklace how would you re-act?
10. Do these puka shells make my ass look fat?

Saturday, April 14, 2007

You cant have a KVC if you don't start with a KV

So, do I look like Vonnegut in this picture or what!

Photo Hosted at Buzznet

Anyway, my eyes are burning, and I don't know what from, but I think it might be from the new brand of soap that I bought the other day, you know, it is heavily perfumed, and Bozzie's eyes don't do heavily perfumed, and no, I wouldn't have bought it if I knew it was heavily perfumed, but I didn't know, and so I bought it, but I've thrown it away already, so maybe it wasn't the soap, because my eyes are still burning.

I read my first Vonnegut novel in 1970 when I was in the air force and stationed on the island of Crete. I was cruising the base library, just looking for something to read. I was a very undisciplined reader back then. I would read almost anything that caught my eye, like if the book cover was flashy, or the title was interesting, or if the author's name stood out, and Slaughterhouse Five or the Children's Crusade hit on all three whatever's, and I'm not really sure if the title was or the Children's Crusade or and the Children's Crusade, but you know, it really doesn't matter, does it. So yeah, that was the first Vonnegut novel I had ever read. It was a fairly new book, I think it was published in 1969, and ummmmmm, the name Vonnegut sounded vaguely familiar, so maybe I had read a short story or two by him in one of those sleazy men's magazines that always seemed to be laying around the barracks way back then, but yeah, and I read it, and I probably read it all in one night, and I probably stayed up all night reading it, and by the time I was finished reading it I bet my eyes were burning as much as they are burning now. So between then and the time I started college in 1973 I guess I had read most of Vonnegut's stuff, and yeah, I think Slaughterhouse Five, and Cat's Cradle, and The Sirens of Titan were my favorites, but you know I liked most of them, but I sort of started not liking his stuff a book or two after Slaughterhouse Five, and I don't know if it was because his stuff didn't seem as good, or maybe, and this is probably the more likely scenario, maybe I started not liking him because he was becoming very popular, and I resented that, I mean, I didn't resent him his fame and fortune, I resented the fact that he was no longer a cult figure, and that reminds me of a discussion I had with the professor of my American Literature 1945 to the Present class, and the present then would have been 1975, and there's a lot more present now than there was back then, but such is life, and yeah, the discussion between my prof and me, ummm, we were in his office talking about, well, post WWII writers, and of course Vonnegut's name came up, and back then Vonnegut was not part of any curriculum, no way, no how, nu-uh, never, and my prof asked me what I thought about Vonnegut not being part of the curriculum, and I pondered this for a minute, nah, I didn't ponder, I don't think I have ever pondered anything in my life, but I did think for a minute, and then I told my prof that I was kind of glad that Vonnegut wasn't taught, I told him that I wanted to keep Vonnegut to myself, to keep Vonnegut as my own secret little guilty pleasure, I mean I didn't want just anyone to read Vonnegut, I wanted only cool people like myself to live the Vonnegut experience, and my prof pretty much agreed with me, except for the part about me being cool, and you know, I'm not sure which novel this is from, I think it might be the one after Slaughterhouse Five, but I'm not sure, and I'm sorry that I don't remember the titles of all KV's novels, and yeah, I'm going to start referring to him as KV now instead of Vonnegut, because it's really late, and I'm really tired, and I actually feel that I can write forever and not feel like stopping, but yeah, the part, the part, the part, the part of one of KV's novels that has stuck with me for over thirty years is the one part where the hero, or the protagonist, or the guy, yeah, let's just call him the guy, the guy goes into an adult bookstore and he starts looking at some of the girlie magazines out front, the old time girlie magazines, the ones where the models never got more naked than their bras and panties, and the book store manager came up to the guy and told him not to waste his time on the bra and panties magazines out front, they were just out front for show, then the manager told the guy that the good stuff was in the back room, and the guy, the guy who had been wistfully browsing through the bra and panties magazines, and I think wistfully is the perfect description for what the guy was doing, yeah, wistfully browsing through the bra and panties magazines, and the guy said nah, these are good enough for me, and yeah, I knew exactly what the guy meant, being all wistful and all, yeah.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Holy crap!

I just got back from the Family Dollar, (and boy did I pick up some bargains) and the goth-like cashier, the cute one, the one who wears glasses, told me we were supposed to get SEVEN INCHES of snow this afternoon and tonight ...
And she was right because ...
IT'S ALREADY STARTED!!!! (That deserved an extra !)
Seven inches of snow ... It's April 11th ... Seven inches of snow ... It's spring time ... Seven inches of snow ... It does not compute ... Seven inches of snow ... Blah blah blah blah blah.
Remember, this was the cute goth-like cashier, not that the other cashier isn't cute, but she isn't as goth-like, and I suppose she isn't as cute either, but she has a nice smile and is very friendly, and I bet she's a good dancer too.

Oh, and in other news ...
The price for a month's worth of generic zoloft went down from $62.00 to $14.50.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Why I haven't posted

1. I can't stop sneezing.
2. Ever since MB told me that the black guy on Walker Texas Ranger was the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby I can't concentrate.
3. The bird that mocks me tells me I'm cool, and this puzzles me, because she continues to mock me.
4. MB also told me that Mr Olson from Little House on the Prairie is having an affair with our next door neighbor ... how can this be I tell myself.
5. Ok, MB also told me that when she was a little girl after they first moved to Detroit from Tennessee, and my grandfather worked the afternoon shift at Chevrolet, and they shared a house with my grandfather's half sister and her family, that was located next to a blind pig, and for you who don't know what a blind pig is it's an after hours drinking establishment usually located in a private residence and is very illegal but they usually paid protection money to the cops or the mob so they were safe, and yeah they lived next to a blind pig, and my grandfather worked the swing shift, and anyway, one night my mother, who was about five or six years old, wandered into my grandparent's bedroom, and remember my grandfather worked the swing shift, and anyway my mother wandered into their bedroom on the way to the bathroom, and she saw a man ... A MAN ... standing over the bed that my grandmother was sound asleep in, and my mother wasn't sure who the man was, but she thought it was my grandfather, who remember was at work, and my mother said "what are you doing home" and the man, who wasn't my grandfather, lit a match, and all my mother could see of the man, the man who obviously wandered over from the blind pig, was his big hairy arm, and I guess my mother frightened the man with the hairy arm, because he turned around brushed by my mother and left the house.
When my mother told my grandmother what she saw the next morning my grandmother downplayed it telling my mother that she must of dreamed it, but my grandmother always downplayed stuff that my mother told her, so my mother wasn't buying it, and later that day before my grandfather went to work, my mother could hear my grandparents talking in the kitchen, and my mother heard my grandmother say that whoever did it must have been the one who cut the hole in the screen door ...
Dun dun dun.
So there you have it, the honest to god truth, for the most part, story of how my mother prevented a possible sexual assault on my grandmother.
6. X
7. X
8. X
9. X
10. X

Friday, April 06, 2007

My new favorite picture of myself

Is that a tree growing out of your head or are you just glad to see me?

Photo Hosted at Buzznet

A man walks into a bar with a tree growing out of his head ...

This is not a dream

It's a quarter to four in the morning and I can see the moon outside my bedroom window.
The wind has been blowing strong and steady throughout the night, but I can't hear it now.
It is very cold outside and the house is cold too, but the cold feels good.
I just finished watching a movie. The kind of movie that you fall asleep thinking about.
I am not tired or sleepy. Usually at this time of the morning that would worry me, but not this morning.
I feel the humming.
I am the humming.
I just glanced out the window again, and the moon is still there.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

In other words

That's it.
This weather sucks.
Forty mile an hour winds.
Temperatures in the 20's.
Snow and blowing snow predicted.
I'm moving to South America.
One of the parts where it is always warm.
One of the parts where everyone speaks English.
I'm moving to South America.
I'm going to start a Creedence Clearwater Revival tribute band.
We'll play Born on the Bayou six times a night.
I'm moving to South America.
One of the parts where all the women look Spanish and wear peasant blouses that show a lot of cleavage, and it's not that I have anything against the more Latin American look, it's just that I'm sort of obsessed with the Spanish look at the moment.
I'm moving to South America.
One of the parts where the beer tastes like Diet Coke, and I'm going to stay drunk all the time.
I'm moving to South America.
One of the parts that has a lot of sidewalk cafes where I'll sit with the bill of my cap pulled down over my eyes and the locals will all refer to me as the Crazy Gringo, but they'll do it with a smile on their face, because I'm the type of guy that always brings a smile to your face.
I'm moving to South America.
But I'll be sure to take a gun with me.
A real big gun, just in case because of bandits and revolutionaries.
I'm moving to South America.
I'll tell everyone that I knew Elvis, the young Elvis, the Elvis that was banging Ann-Margaret in Viva Las Vegas, and Brando, the young Brando, the Brando from Viva Zapata.
I'm moving to South America.
In a Buenos Aires minute!

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

In my life, in my next life

I think in my next life I'd like to be healthier.
And I'd like to be taller.
And I'd like to be thinner.
And I'd like less of a bald spot on the back of my head.
And I'd like at least one super power.
And I'd like a talking dog.
And I'd like to meet Ivan.
And I'd like to be able type better late at night.
And I'd like to know what Creme Brule is.
And I'd like to walk into a restaurant and call the waitress Honey and have her smile back at me.
And I'd like to have six toes on my left foot.
And I'd like to be more like Atticus Finch, but taller.
And I'd like to have something named after me.
And I'd like the voices in my head to make up their minds already.
And I'd like people to believe me when I told them that I was at Woodstock and got a blow job from the girl singer in that group that nobody remembers because they performed at seven in the morning in the rain.
And I'd like to go to bed now with my talking dog at my feet.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

I have a reason to smirk.

The house is making funny noises, my left leg hurts, one of my tattoos itch, and I can't sleep, so here I am, and thank god for the backspace key because every other character I type is a typo.
My left arm also really hurts.
Now my right arm hurts too.
My nose just started running.
I'm serious, my left arm REALLY hurts.
My Zune says for me to say "hi" to everyone.
My right shoulder just started hurting.
I'm going to bed, call me in the morning, but not too early.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Starring Jack Lemmon and Sandy Dennis as the April Fools

Photo Hosted at Buzznet

I'm trying desperately to write something tonight.
Something deep, something funny, something that will tug at your heart strings.
But nothing, nothing, nothing.
It's weird, because I've always been able to write early in the morning.
Never mind.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Hey, let's go get blood tests!

It's one thirty in the morning and I've got my Zune tooting.
It's playing an instrumental. I think it's by the Quicksilver Messenger Service.
I also have a toothache, and I'm halfheartedly surfing porn.
If I find something good I'll post it.
Nothing yet.
Hark, is that Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs?
I like this one ...

Many critics feel that Bob Dylan's 1970 release Self-Portrait sucks.
They could be right.
I just yawned the yawn of the dead.

You really can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant, and I guess Arlo doesn't have to worry anymore about getting Woody's Disease, whatever the hell that is.
I'm really pretty bored.
I think I just found a picture of my cousin, guess not.

It's two thirty in the morning Tonto, and I'm going to bed.