Tuesday, June 26, 2007

It took way too long to write this post

Ten things I saw today
1. A bunch of people at the beach who shouldn't have been wearing skimpy bathing suits, but were.
2. People talking on cellphones while driving, while eating, while shopping, and while invading my personal space.
3. A real cute pregnant woman who kept adjusting her top to cover up her belly.
4. Mother and daughter goth girls waiting in line at the Dairy Queen.
5. The friendly guy at the BK who everyone avoids because he talks too much, and doesn't smell all that good either.
6. A vulture, yeah, a real live vulture, and I've never ever seen a vulture before, but I'm positive that this was a vulture, and he was on the side of the road eating road kill, I swear to god, it was a vulture, and I didn't even know that vultures were indigenous to this area, and I'm not even sure if I know what indigenous means either.
7. A kid on a skateboard wearing the gayest looking pants I have ever seen, they were like something my sister would have worn back in the 50's if she was trying to make a move on a guy, they were that gay.
8. Two of those religious type guys that always travel in pairs, and wear ties, and short sleeved white shirts, and always look like they are going to rain Jesus down on your head if you give them the slightest look of recognition.
9. A husband and wife arguing with each other in a foreign language which might have been French, or Flemish, or Dutch, yeah, it could have been Dutch.
10. A young cop hitting on the tattooed and pierced clerk at the self-serve gas station where I bought a 64 ounce diet Coke for 79 cents today, and I don't know about the clerk, but I wasn't impressed.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

No misspellings found

I shouldn't watch television because it tricks me into thinking it is real especially at seven in the morning, except for the news, which I never watch.
Anyway, and enough with the anyways, anyway, I'm going back to bed and pretend, no, I'm going back to bed and ACCEPT that television is real, and maybe I can be the new doctor on Scrubs, which I don't watch either.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Take a deep breath, hold it, hold it, hold it, that's it, now exhale ... good

Ten things you will never hear me say, except if I am trying to be funny.

1. I think my water just broke.
2. Let's do sushi.
3. You know how back in the 70's young people used to go to midnight screenings of the Rocky Horror Picture Show dressed like characters from the movie? I was Susan Sarandon, and I still have the bra and the slip, and I am wearing them right now.
4. Seriously, I could talk politics with you all night even if we weren't screwing.
5. I just renewed my subscription to US News and World Report and People Magazine.
6. My #117, I lied, it's more like a #94.
7. I don't care, anything by Journey is fine with me.
8. I'd like to pledge $250.00 for Jerry's Kids.
9. I think I am losing my mind, but that's not something I'd never say, it's just something I am saying because I am running out of things I will never say except if I am trying to be funny, but seriously, I really do think I am losing my mind, or maybe I am just tired, so I'll make #10 a short one and then I'm going back to bed.
10. Bingo!!!

I mean it this time.

My cable provider just got Video On Demand so now I can watch whatever I want whenever I want and right now I am watching the Showtime Series Weeds starring Mary-Louise Parker and the chick who slept with Tom Hanks when Tom Hanks was really a kid in Tom Hanks body in the movie Big, she's Elizabeth something, but that's not important, and really none of this is important in the grand scheme of things, but, be that as it may, I am watching Weeds, and yeah, I started it watching it because of Mary hyphen Louise Parker, but it has turned into something oh so much more than just that.

It's funny that I should be hooked on a show about marijuana because I haven't smoked since Nixon was president, no wait, I haven't smoked since Reagan was president, and I'm almost positive I didn't smoke when Carter was president, except I might have smoked when the hostages were released, but yeah, the Iranians waited until Reagan was sworn in before they released the hostages, but I might have started smoking before the actual release, but ummm, no I haven't smoked since Nixon was president, except for when Reagan was president and borderline when Carter was president, and I think I might have smoked when Johnson was president, but it was most likely after the election in 68 and Johnson would have been a lame duck president, so maybe that doesn't count, but maybe it does count, and I'm not sure anyway, no wait, I am sure, but it was only once, or maybe twice, yeah, it was twice, and I am totally sure that I didn't smoke when Kennedy was president because I was only thirteen, and drugs hadn't been invented yet, and probably if they had I would have smoked when Kennedy was assassinated, but who could have blamed me, because that was a tragic time in the history of our great nation.

The End

Well, not the end, because I'm not ruling out that I will ever smoke again. I mean, what if I get glaucoma, or what if I fall in love with a hippie commune type chick who GROWS marijuana ... I mean, I'd just about have to smoke then, wouldn't I.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Time out

I'm sitting here at one in the morning waiting for the predicted storm to pass through.
I have all the lights out, my bedroom window blinds are up, and my window is open.
I want lightening.
I want thunder.
I want rain.
I want the wind to lift the curtains up.
I kind of want a dish of ice cream too, but I'm on a diet, and it's really going well, and I've lost about ten lbs, and I'm eating goo ..., I'm eating better, and I'm exercising, (I rode the outside bike for a half hour and the inside bike for forty five minutes) and I'm sweating, and my fat pants are falling off my hips, and my skinny pants are about twenty lbs down the road, and yes, I really am eating better, I'm eating vegetables that aren't on pizza, and fruit that isn't in a candy bar, and stuff, and stuff, and more stuff, and did I tell you I've almost lost ten lbs, and you know, I think Karen Carpenter was really onto something, and ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Monday, June 18, 2007

When I was thirteen

When I was thirteen a family of dwarfs moved in next door to us. I think they were circus folk.

When I was thirteen I fell out of a tree and broke my left ankle in three places and was on crutches all summer and the first two months of the next school year.

When I was thirteen years old my best friend got a job working at an ice cream stand. He promised that he would try to get me a job but he was fired for handing out free cones to girls that would show him their underpants.

When I was thirteen years old I sent away for a ventriloquist's dummy that was advertised for $3.99 but when my package arrived there was a letter from the company saying that they no longer carried the $3.99 ventriloquist's dummy so they sent me a pair of x-ray specs, a whoopee cushion, a fly in an ice cube, and a bar of soap that turned your hands black as a replacement.

This or that

Remember that time you told me that you had sex in a tree with your second cousin's best friend, and I said impossible?
Well, I still don't believe you, but I do believe it's possible.
By the way, your second cousin said to say HI, and she said it in CAPITAL LETTERS, so no, it wasn't a typo on my part, and I'm starting to hate commas as much as I hate comas.


Remember when I used to make short, funny, insiteful posts, and we'd laugh, and laugh, and laugh, in that way only we could.
Pretend that you did, because this might be one of them, and I have no idea how to spell insiteful.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

An email from Bailey

I received this spam email today.

It`s bailey again. Will you ever contact me?
I made those nude pictures especially for you and I wont write to you again!
If you wanna see them just drop me a line at: bbailey7@bestvisiongroup.info

And I replied ...

Dear Bailey,
Let me answer your email as if it were a song.

The Bailey Song

I think of you DAAAAA-a-a-a-a-a-i-i-i-ley.
How could I forget about youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
You're the one who gave me the fluuuuuuuuuuuuu*
You know that I doooooooooooooooooooooo
Want those nube pictures of youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
Pretty BAAAAAA-a-a-a-i-i-i-ley

I've been AWAAAA-a-a-a-ay
For sixty DAAAAA-a-a-a-a-y-sssssssssssss
But it wasn't my fault
I didn't know those cell phones were hot
And believe it or not
On the day I got caught
I called out your name
Pretty BAAAAAA-a-a-a-i-i-i-ley

So I'm contacting you now
Just don't have a cow
This is the line that I'll drop
'Cause you know I can't stop
Thinking of you-uuuuuuuuuu
Pretty BAAAAAA-a-a-a-i-i-i-ley

*It was actually Chlamydia but I couldn't thing of anything that
rhymed with Chlamydia.

So, yes, send on the nube pictures and make my man parts tingle.

Yours Truly
Elvis Jr.

Monday, June 11, 2007

I took a forty eight minute walk this morning and all I got was this sweat soaked t-shirt.

And I took a bike ride this evening and all I got was a bunch of those little flying bugs that you can hardly see until they get stuck in your teeth stuck in my teeth.

And I think I hurt one of my man parts on the bicycle seat.

And tomorrow is my birthday.

And all I can think about is my 13th birthday when I got a bike from my parents, which I liked, and a dual bicycle basket, that I didn't like, from my sister who was in Alaska and had ordered through Sears, and I asked my parents if I could return it for the money, which would have been about five dollars, which would have been a princely sum for a thirteen year old back in 1963, and my parents said they would return it for me, and they did, and when I asked for the money they said that Sears would send it to me, and I believed them because they were my parents, and I was thirteen years old and still naive in the ways of the world, and all summer I talked about what I was going to buy for myself with the five dollars as soon as I got it from Sears, I mean, at least once a day I told everyone my plans for what I was going to spend the money on, and then one day my dad and I picked my mother up from work, and I guess she had a hard day, and I guess she was tired, and I started in on my latest rant on how I was going to spend the money, and like I said my mother must have had a hard day, and she must have been tired, because all of a sudden she just turned and looked me straight in the eye in the back seat and said ...

Look, they gave us the money that day, and we spent it on clothes for you, clothes which you needed a damn sight more than you needed whatever the hell you planned on spending that money on. So that's it, there is no money, and I don't want to hear another word about it!

I was stunned into silence.
I didn't know what to do.
I wanted to cry, but I was thirteen years old and I kind of figured that wouldn't help.
I wanted to yell and curse at my parents and blame them for ruining my summer waiting for that fucking money that I now realized I would never see, but they were my parents, and if I had tried something like that they would have taken turns knocking the crap out of me for being such an ungrateful kid.

So, I remained silent.
I remained silent for at least a week.
It was the first guilt trip I ever laid on anybody, and it worked, and it felt good, but not as good as getting the five dollars would have felt, but I was thirteen, and what else could I do, and still ...
Still ...
After all these years I STILL get all bent out of shape whenever I think of ...
I mean they could have told me right away, and I would've gotten pissed, but I would have gotten over it, and after all these years I STILL get bent out of shape whenever I think of it.

Ok, fine, I'm going to go take a shower now, and while I'm at it I think I'll hide MB's Depends.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a spider can

I was going to make a post just now, but it's late, and I'm tired, and I just finished the first chapter of Hotel New Hampshire, and maybe I just finished the first chapter of THE Hotel New Hampshire, I'm not certain, and that's why I've decided not to make a post tonight, because I am not certain, but if I were certain I would probably make a post about my drive over to West Branch today, and how I went by myself, and how it was a really nice drive, and how as a way of getting to go by myself without hurting a certain person with the initials M and B feelings I had to promise to buy her a present, and this weighed heavy on my mind, but it shouldn't have as you shall see if you keep reading the post I decided not to make, but am making anyway.

So, when I got to West Branch I stopped at the Walgreen's drugstore first, and I really like the Walgreen's drugstore because they always have good sales and great clearance items, and today I bought 4 bottles of two liter Pepsi for three dollars with a coupon, which would be a sale and not a clearance, and I also bought a "As Seen On TV" men's personal groomer which could be used to trim unwanted nose hair or back hair, or for more mundane tasks such as trimming your beard or mustache, and the best part was it was marked down from $9.99 to $2.00, and that would be a clearance item as opposed to a sale item, oh, and I almost bought a battery operated Spiderman toothbrush by either Crest or Colgate, and I would have bought it for myself, because it was marked down to $2.00 from, I don't know, 7 or 8 dollars, and I would have felt no embarrassment at using it, and I even had it in my shopping cart, but after making a couple of runs through the store I put it back in the clearance bin because it too was a clearance item and not a sale item, and I don't regret not buying it, but it would have been a nice conversation starter if anyone were to ever barge into my bathroom while I was brushing my teeth, which was unlikely, but possible.

Then I went to the Dollar General to buy some Dollar General brand Depends for MB, and I briefly considered making this the gift that I had promised to buy MB, but ...
I didn't, because, seriously, who would want to get disposable underwear as a present, well???

Then I went to the Family Dollar and walked around, and I almost bought some shaving gel that had been marked down from $1.50 to seventy five cents, but wait, I had almost bought the shaving gel at the Dollar General, which is like the Family Dollar, but isn't, and there was nothing I even considered buying from the Family Dollar, so I left still presentless for MB, and nothing for myself either, oh wait, the personal groomer was for me, and see, that's why I decided against making this post that I am now making because I'm disremembering stuff the way it actually happened.

My next stop was the Evil Empire, and not only am I disrembering, I am also getting bored, so I will cut this short ... er, and just say I got MB two jars of Udderly Smooth, the stuff they use on cow's udders when they start to crack, but I think this is a little bit different, but anyway, MB uses it like cold cream to cleanse her face, and she might use it on her udders too, but let's not go there.

By now I was hungry and I stopped at the BK for a burger and fries and a king size diet Coke, and I got the burger free because I called the number on the back of the receipt and took a survey, but it wasn't free ... free, it was free with the purchase of any size fries and any size drink, and I got the king size drink so I would have something to drink on the 40 mile drive back home, and it was actually a free re-fill of the king size drink I drank on the way home.

Oh, yeah, after I left BK the sign at the fruit market said they had grapes on sale, and I was going to stop and get some grapes, and I did stop to get some grapes, but the grapes didn't look all that good, so I got a head of cauliflower, and a bunch of broccoli, which were both on sale, the cauliflower was $1.99 a head, and the broccoli was 89 cents a bunch, and that's it, no wait, I disremembered again, I also got MB some tomatoes from the clearance counter, and this was a really good deal, there were four BIG tomatoes for 99 cents, and they weren't damaged or anything, they were just kind of ripe, but hey, a little ripeness never hurt anyone.

Then I drove home without incident, and when I got home MB was overjoyed with her two gifts, the two gifts being, in case you disremembered, the Udderly Smooth and the tomatoes, and now I am going to bed before I think of anything else that might, or might not have happened on my trip to West Branch today, or technically, my trip to West Branch yesterday.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Another blast from the past

The infamous Wesley From Across The Street halfway through his six month tour in the navy that should have been a six year tour in the navy, but hey, that's just the way WFATS ran.


Poseurs that pose

The Heartthrob of Alumni Memorial Elementary School 1960-61

Photo Hosted at Buzznet

The story of the four Zunes at 1:37 am when I am half asleep

Zune #1
I bought Zune #1 in mid-March at the Evil Empire for what I thought was a fair price, fair in the sense that it was as least as cheap as I had seen it anywhere online when you factored in S&H. I loved Zune #1. I loved Zune #1 as much as anyone could love anything that can't love you back. I uploaded songs to Zune #1, and Zune #1 played them back for me. Yes, Zune #1 and me were a match made in heaven, or so I thought ...

Zune #2
In early April while at another discount chain that ended in Mart but started with K I saw that they had Zune's on sale for thirty dollars cheaper than what I had paid for my beloved Zune #1, and this irked me to no end, because as most of you who care know I hate to pay more than the lowest price for anything, and this doesn't mean that I am cheap or that I buy shoddy merchandise, it just means that I like to get the best I can for the lowest price that I can, and seriously, is there anything wrong with that. So, after leaving the Mart of the K I stopped at the King of the Burger for a diet Coke and an order of some serious soul searching. I mean, thirty dollars is thirty dollars, and and and, I wanted that extra thirty dollars more than I wanted red blood coursing through my veins, and while walking up to get a refill on my diet Coke it hit me. Go back to the Mart of the K and buy Zune #2 for thirty dollars less, take it home and put it in the box that Zune #1 came in, and then take it back to the Evil Empire, along with my sales receipt, and get a refund. So are you with me on this? I kept Zune #1 that I loved with all my heart, and took Zune #2, that I had purchased from the Mart of the K, and returned it to the Evil Empire for my refund, and that was the end of Zune #2, which I never got to really know, but I am sure that if I had I would have loved it almost as much as I loved Zune #1, and I would have been happy with Zune #1 for ever, and ever, and ever except that ...

Zune #3
I dropped Zune #1 while putting it into it's velour-like travel pouch, and I cried, and I cried, and I cried, but only metaphysically speaking, because I would never actually cry over a Zune be it #1, #2, #3 or #1,800,764. So, I got the receipt from the Mart of the K which was for Zune #2 and not Zune #1, because, remember I had used the receipt for Zune #1 when I took Zune #2 to the Evil Empire, and I took Zune #1 to the Mart of the K and told them that Zune #1 was malfunctioning and that I would like a replacement, of course I left out the part about why it was malfunctioning, and they said, sure, no problem, whatever, here's a new Zune, please take it, and live long and prosper, and thus Zune #3 came into my life. Zune #3 was eager to please and we soon developed a relationship that was almost as close as the relationship I had with Zune #1, almost as close, but only on a platonic level. I bought things for Zune #3. I bought it an aluminum case. I bought it a silicone case. I bought it an arm band to use with the silicone case for when I exercised. And ... I bought it a generic wall charger which ... fucked up the Zune #3 the first time I used it.
Ok, now, I no this is getting long and drawn out, but hey, quit reading whenever you like, it's not like I'm forcing you or anything, I just wish I could quit, but no, I have to keep writing, and writing, and writing, until the end, so fuck you very much, but seriously, I'm getting bored as well as tired, so let's just say that I was afraid to take Zune #3 back to the Mart of the K, so instead I contacted Zune through their 800 number and told them the truth, or at least most of the truth. I told them that Zune #3 had gotten fucked up when I tried to charge it up, and the Zune synching cable must have been the fucker upper, and that it probably bent some of the prongs of the docking thingie thing. So the Zune Customer Service Lady said no problem-o, she said that they'd send me a new cable, and that I could keep the old cable, which by the way, had nothing to do with fucking up Zune #3, because, remember it was the generic cable that fucked up #3, and where was I??? The Zune Lady told me that they would send me a pre-paid packing box for Zune #3 and I was to return Zune #3 in said pre-paid packing box and they would repair ... or replace Zune #3 at no charge, well, at no charge because it was still under warranty. Then on Thursday UPS dropped off a package from Zune, and I was so excited because even though I didn't love Zune #3 like I had loved Zune #1, I still had these feelings for Zune #3, and then I opened the box and ...

Zune #4
They hadn't repaired Zune #3, they had replaced Zune #3 with Zune #4, and that is where we stand at this very moment, and quite frankly, I am a little worried about committing wholeheartedly to Zune #4, because I have been hurt before, so let's just wait and see what transpires.

Addendum: While running spellcheck the word heartedly came back as a misspelling, but fuck it, spellcheck has been wrong before, and I am about to crash and burn, so, so nothing. Oh wait, wholeheartedly is one word, not two. Please disregard the addendum

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Me and my Zune in June

I'm just wasting time until Fried Green Tomatoes starts on Encore I think in a few minutes.

Speaking of movies, I just found out today from the cable company that Video On Demand starts tomorrow, or make that today because today is already yesterday.

I stopped at the doctor's office to pay a bill and the cute receptionist smiled at me which made me feel bad because I had been checking out her cleavage, which was only average, but it was cleavage, and average cleavage is better than no cleavage at all, or as Shakespeare once said, or it might have been the guy who played the professor in my Debra Messing dream who once said, it is better to have cleaved and lost than never to have cleaved at all.

And how was your day?

I just got my zune back from the zune repair guys today, and they didn't repair it, they sent me a new zune, and that makes it the fourth zune that I have had in my possession since I got my first zune in March, followed by my second and third zune in April, and their is a story behind each and every zune that I have possessed, and maybe, just maybe, one day I will post the story behind each and every zune, but not tonight, because FGT is about to start, and man, I love that movie, and I used to love it because of Mary Stuart Masterson, but now I love it because of Mary Louise Parker, and maybe one day I will love it because of Kathy Bates or Jessica Tandy, but let's hope not, and now ...
On with the show!

Friday, June 01, 2007

My lost weekend took place in the middle of the week this time

I had a dream about Debra Messing the other night, or at least it was someone who reminded me a lot of Debra Messing, and I mean Debra Messing the actress not Debra Messing the sex phone operator, unless they are both the same person, which in that case someone has been lying to me for a long long time.
Anyway, I had this dream about Debra Messing, and in this dream I was in college, so you know the dream had to take place a long time ago, and I was in college, and I had just transferred into a new English class from an old English class during mid-semester, and the two English classes didn't have matching courses of study so I was lost very lost, and because of my lostness I had an attitude problem where I gave the professor a hard time, because I knew he was going to give me a hard time, because I had a reputation as being a bad attitude on campus sort of guy, and I wanted to give him attitude before he gave me attitude, and there we were at some kind of academic stale mate, when all of a sudden Debra Messing, remember her, yeah, Debra Messing walks into the class, right up to the front of the class and she is all emotional and fighting back tears, and she starts talking about how she always picks the wrong type of man, and that all the good man are either taken, or they aren't interested in her, and yeah, I knew Debra Messing was talking about me, because, well, let's face it, in this dream I was all any woman could ever want, and yeah, Debra Messing is now in a full blown weep fest and she is telling about how rotten her life is, with all her different maladies, both real and imagined, and I think the cancer of the knee cap was one of the imagined maladies, but that's only me, and still Debra Messing is going on and on, and all I could do was shut my eyes and shake my head, because seriously Debra Messing is going through an emotional melt down what with all her bad choices concerning men, concerning men who were not me, and all her other bad choices in life that didn't include me, and right about now I am feeling like something BIG is going to happen, like Debra Messing is going to come after me with a big knife or a hand grenade, or maybe Debra Messing is planning another Columbine type thing here, because Debra Messing has always told me who much she admires Michael Moore, and also how much she enjoys killing innocent people, and how flowing blood, lots of flowing blood has always mesmerised her, and wheeeeeeeeeeew, this post about Debra Messing has already lasted longer than the actual dream about Debra Messing, but let's go on until we finish it, ok.
So, the professor asks if anyone knows who this weeping crying girl was, I mean it was obvious it was Debra Messing, but it was a dream, and I suppose he had to ask, and when he asked I just sort of looked away and put on my best I have no idea who this is even though it is obvious it is Debra Messing face, and when no one answers the professor just sort escorts Debra Messing out of the class room and when he comes back he says that was the most pathetic display he had ever seen, and everyone agreed with him, even me, which made me feel bad because ... well, it was Debra Messing, and I knew Debra Messing, and she was a friend, a psycho friend, but a friend nonetheless, and after everyone settled down, and the professor went back to his lecture, I couldn't stop thinking about Debra Messing and her cry for help, and yes, I knew that her cry for help was directed at me, so I figured after class ended I'd better go looking for Debra Messing and see if there was anything I could do to help, and that's what I did when class finally did end, I left the class room fully intending to look for Debra Messing, but when I got outside I was no longer in college, I was in South Korea, just outside of some amusement park hanging around with Hawkeye and Trapper John, no, not Trapper John, the guy who took Trapper John's place, that's right it was BJ, and we were going to go to the amusement park and ride the roller coaster till we puked, and then we were going to go get laid, and probably catch the clap, but not from Debra Messing because she was nowhere in sight.
The End