Tuesday, April 29, 2008

It's good being boz

I looked on my porch this afternoon and there it was!!! - Photo Hosted at Buzznet

The much talked about, the much anticipated, the totally awesome package from abrowncat.
Seriously, this is just about the coolest package I have ever gotten.
The contents:
1. A Nestle Treasures Dark Chocolate Truffle candy bar, which I tried not to eat before I took this picture, but it didn't work, and it was very good, and it was TRUFFLES!!!
2. A mouse pad with waves and everything on it which will always remind me of Annette, and Gidget, and all the other little surf chickies from all the little surf movies of the mid 60's.
3. A set of 10 photo frame cards for photos and stuff.
4. 8 velcro utility ties, which I might be able to use as handcuffs or at least finger cuffs.
5. A miniature rubber pirate duckie, and I can tell it's a pirate because he is holding a map under his wing with X marking the spot.
6. An easy open pop 'n pull for pop top cans, which hopefully MB will be able to use so she doesn't have to wake me up in the middle of the night when she wants ANOTHER beer.
7. An inked stamp which reads "I'd rather be ..." which will be very useful when I found out where, or what, I'd rather be.
8. A 15 pack of Glow Stick Bracelets which I'll be sure to use when the Senior Center has their next rave. (Ok, seriously, I have never been to a senior center in my life ... because I'm not old enough, and I was just making a joke, ok??? ok???)
9. Pencils ... pencils ... and more pencils, and did any of you, while you were in school, ever drop a pencil on the floor so you could sneak a look up the skirt of the hot girl who sat behind you?
10. A magic towel that you place in water and then watch expand into a towel that is 100% cotton, which will be great if I ever go on vacation, or to jail, and have limited packing space.
11. A Salonpas patch for aches and pains ... wait, there are 20 patches, so maybe I can mummify myself, and seriously, I have enough aches and pains where it would take 20 patches to, uhhh, take care of all my aches and pains.
12. A pad of Alaska sticky notes, and I'm pretty sure that abrowncat didn't get these in Alaska, but she might have, and my oldest nephew was born in Alaska just a few months after the Great Alaskan Earthquake of 1964.
And now the two BIG gifts, not that the other gifts aren't BIG gifts, it's just that these two are even BIGGER than the other BIG gifts.
13. A C.S.I t-shirt ... CSI ... Can't Stand Idiots ... which would probably be the t-shirt you would get if the "I'm With Stupid" t-shirt just didn't cut it any more.
14. A Peanut Butter and Jelly Time t-shirt with the dog that I don't know the name of from Family Guy dressed in a banana costume and shaking his marachis ... cha cha cha, and I do like peanut butter, but I'm pretty mehhhh about jelly, but I will wear this t-shirt with pride, and I promise I will do a Google search and find out the dog's name, and you know, I'm not sure if I am more like the dog that I don't know the name of, or Stewie, but I know I'm like one of them.

This is a seriously totally awesome package.
Thanks ABC!!!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

I'll take Mom & Pop for $200.00 Alex

I hired Mom & Pop's raking service to take care of the leaves in my yard, but I'm starting to get a little worried.

You know the old saying about never eating at a diner called Mom's or playing poker with a guy name Pop, I think that may carry over to leaf raking too.

When I told a friend about Mom & Pop she replied thusly in a series of frantic emails:

1. Forget mom and pop's raking service, I will rake your yard for the small fee of $7,000!!!!!!!!

2. I am a little worried that mom and pop are really coming over to case the joint, so be on alert. I saw this once in Home Alone, except your part was played by Macaulay Culkin and mb's part was cut.

3. Mom and pop are definitely planning to a.) rob you blind, or b.) try to get you involved in a pyramid scheme

4. You will get sick of the pop tarts pretty quickly i am guessing. Mom and pop probably love them and will eat them along with YOUR LIVER!!!!!!!!!

5. You made a video of yourself eating pop tarts??????? That will be all that is left to remember you by once mom and pop harvest your organs, so you should post this video.

6. I am just checking to see if you are alive or if mom and pop gutted you.

7. I was hoping that was a picture of mom and pop gutting you.

8. Gee, do you think your sickness has anything to do with that snickers bar? I hope you didn't eat or drink anything mom and pop brought you either.

As you can see she also warned me about the dangers of Pop Tarts and Snicker's bar.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

10 Cd's that I didn't know what I was thinking about when I bought them

I don't think I've purchased a CD in about 7 or 8 years. I think the last CD I purchased was a Lonnie Donnegan Greatest Hits collection, and seriously, why isn't he in the rock and roll hall of fame, but anyway, yeah, I don't buy Cd's anymore, I just download now, and yeah, I do it LEGALLY (smirk), so, yeah, here are 10 Cd's that I didn't know what I was thinking about when I bought them, and I'm sure there are more, but these are the first 10 I ran across.

1. Deanna Carter, Did I Shave My Legs For This - Great title, but I think I was going through a mainstream country phase at the time, and this might be the one that ended it.

2. The Dixie Chicks, Wide Open Spaces - What can I say, I dig cross-eyed chicks, and did you see the short blond one when she was one the DIY program Trading Spaces, and I could have called her the short chunky blond, but I didn't.

3. The Corrs, Talk On Corners - Are we starting to notice a trend here? I mean, c'mon I never even noticed that one of the Corrs was a guy, and they really have that Galway Girl dark hair, blue eyes thing down, don't they.

4. Derek And The Domino's, Layla - Ok, I thought there was a song on this CD that I really liked back when I first got out of the air force back in 1972, but it turns out the song I really liked was by Ten Years After, and seriously I think he pushed his kid out the window.

5. Fairport Convention, Encore Encore - A really piss poor live CD which I thought was a greatest hits CD that was recorded, I don't know, 20 years after Sandy Denny died, and they didn't even get a chick singer to replace SD on her lead vocals, I mean DAMN!!!

6. U2, Joshua Tree - Ok, this is the kind of CD that you would think I would love, but geez, I've had it over ten years and I've never listened to it all the way through, and c'mon now, there is only one Bono, and that's Sonny!

7. Matapedia - Kate & Anna McGarrigle - I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, I must have had a vagina when I bought this one.

8. R.E.M, Monster - Everyone should own at least one R.E.M. CD, but this isn't the one.

9. Paula Cole, This Fire - Ok, I admit it, I really liked Where Have All The Cowboys Gone, and I know that it was tongue in cheek, and yeah, Paula Cole is sort of naked on the cover, and we share the same last name, but the rest of this CD made me wish that I didn't have ears.

10. Bettie Serveert, Dust Bunnies - Who the fuck is Bettie Serveert???

Ten fairly common things that I have never done.

1. Eaten a pop tart.
2. Ridden a horse.
3. Stared Charlie down from the wrong end of a bayonet ... no, I've done that, well, not really, but it's an urban legend that I started about myself when it became chic in the early 80's to sort of hint that you might have served in Vietnam even if you actually hadn't, and I actually worked with a guy that actually hinted, actually, he more than hinted, and you know I actually believed him until I realized that he didn't graduate from high school until June of 1973, which was I think a couple of months after the war ended, and when I asked him when he served in the army he said 1975 through 1977, and I said it must have been hard serving in Vietnam after everybody else had left, and then he admitted that he hadn't actually served in Vietnam, but that he had actually (and how many times have I typed actually?) served in Germany, and then I said sarcastically, that yeah, Germany was real tough duty in the 70's, and then he got all indignant and said he had served in the coldest part of Germany, and even though it wasn't Vietnam, it was almost as bad as Vietnam, well, except for the cats in black pjs and BF Goodrich sandals trying to kill you, and that's the reason I started the "Staring down Charlie from the wrong end of a bayonet" urban legend about myself as a way of poking fun at the guys that really, really, really wanted you to believe that uh, well, you know, the whole Vietnam chic thing that I mentioned a few lines back, but you know, I did spend a month in Turkey when I was in the air force, and the hash wasn't all that good, and neither were the three dollar prostitutes.

4. Did it.
5. Did it.
6. Did it.
7. Did it.
8. Did it.
9. Did it.
10. Ahhhhh, yeah, I did that too.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Seriously, if I didn't know that I made this stuff up I wouldn't think that I made it up.

The Freudian Penis of Doom patiently awaits the arrival of his Russian mail order Freudian Vagina of Doom.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Thanks for listening.

Ten things you would find in my bedroom without looking too hard, with accompanying photographs.

1. A spray bottle of store brand orange scented Fabreze.

2. A 6.7 ounce of Intimate Warming Massage.

3. A monkey on my shoulder.

4. A little Liz Phair nipple slippage.

5. Something Freudian.

6. A C# Hohner blues harp.

7. Zoloft, but don't worry I'm not a teenage boy.

8. Cheap sunglasses.

9. Three unread novels(IN ONE FUCKING VOLUME) by Henry Miller that I might start reading tonight, yeah, what are the odds of that!

10. Cheap whiskey, which makes sense because I don't drink, well, ok, like, I might have a drink every two years or so.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

I should do a salt water gargle.

Happy 37th birthday to Shannen Doherty, and I bet people misspell her name a lot.

I like to think of Shannen as America's answer to Princess Di, except for the whole tunnel thing, and wasn't there something about land mines too?

Miss June and the summer of 1961

It's four in the morning and I can't sleep so I guess I should tell you about the summer that Wesley from across the street and I turned eleven years old.

To be continued.

Monday, April 07, 2008

Ditto Kiddo

I had a dream last night that I was Eric Stolz and scored 100% on a spelling test. This wasn't the Eric Stolz from Mask, it was the Eric Stolz from Some Kind of Wonderful, and seriously how could Eric Stolz not realize that even though five years down the road Mary Stuart Masterson would come out of the closet as a screaming bull dyke, not that there is anything wrong with it, but how could Eric Stolz not realize that Mary Stuart Masterson was a much better choice than that stuck up piece of PWT Lea Thompson, and seriously I have never felt that in any way, shape, or form that Lea Thompson was even remotely attractive.

Saturday, April 05, 2008

M-a-a-a-a-a-a-n, I don't wanna update my blog

Seriously, I've got nothing to say, and I still have a cold, but I did get my state income tax refund today, and I wanted to deposit in the credit union, but I couldn't find my credit union card, and the teller said that he could look it up, and then I asked if he could make me a new card, and he said no problem, and while he was in the back room making my card, and probably snorting coke, I found my card, but I didn't say anything, and right now I'm listening to Tom Rush sing No Regrets, and Tom Rush is either from Vermont or New Hampshire, and hell if I know which is which, and why didn't they call Vermont New Vermont, makes sense to me, and I almost typed makes since to me, and I've got a big bruise on my left leg, above the knee, on the inner thigh, right where nobody can see it, unless I want them to, and would you like to see it?