Putting the t in t-shirt since 1965.

I bought three new t-shirts today at a dollar store that I rarely go to.
But the t-shirts didn't cost a dollar, they cost a dollar forty nine each.
Which is a good price, but not for a dollar store, because ...
Anyway, I bought three t-shirts.
All three of them are white except for the parts that aren't, and the parts that aren't are the parts that are silk screened, or printed, or yeah, the parts that aren't white.

One of the three t-shirts is a promotional t-shirt for an urban music festival that took place in Chattanooga Tennessee in 2005, but you want to know what is slightly spooky? It took place on AUGUST 20TH in 2005, and if you look at the date at the end of this post, yeah, that's right, today is August 20th!!!

The second t-shirt is for the Navy, I guess they were a promotion to get people to consider joining the Navy, or to consider going to a Village People re-union concert, and damn, my right index finger hurts, and the right index finger is the only finger I use on my right hand when I type, so, as you can imagine, I am in great pain right now, and yeah, it's odd, I use all four fingers on my left hand, which is my off hand, because I am right handed, and yet ...
I only use one finger on my right hand, which I already mentioned, and perhaps I should mention that I hurt my right index finger when I jammed it repeatedly while washing windows the other day.

The third t-shirt commemorates the 10th Anniversary of the Moon Pie-RC Cola Festival that took place in Historic Bell Buckle Tennessee, that's Bell Buckle, not Belt Buckle, and since it took place in 2004 I guess it would be the 13th anniversary, and my finger is really throbbing now so I am going to close, and I tell you what, I'll just take a picture and post it, ok.

Saturday is the only day that starts with sat.

Ok, I am officially skinny.



And a lady at the store liked my shirt.
And a lady on buzznet said my pants were too long.
And I walked till my heel hurt today.
And I bought a new belt today because all my other belts were either too big, or they were falling apart.
And I don't have any suspenders.
And did I ever tell you that I haven't used a comb since I got out of the air force, mostly because my hair used to be too long, and now it is too thin ...
Thin like me ... hahahaha
And I forgot to say that I use a brush.
Yeah, a brush.
And the way that video overlaps the sidebar is, well, I'm just anal enough that the video that overlaps the sidebar is irritating, not irritating enough to make me lose sleep over it, because I only lose sleep thinking about Gary Sinise and frozen grapes, and a strange high school girl with bleeding eyes, and a fist full of quarters, and a diary full of smiley faces, and ahhhhhhh
Yeah, but not enough to change it.

Lights, cameras, traction!!!

Remember that short story that I started but never intended to finish back in May of this year?
The one about the call to the 911 operator about two men fighting outside my bedroom window, well, not my bedroom window, but the guy in the short story's bedroom window.
Well, I also posted it as a journal entry on my buzznet account, and I just found out yesterday that one of my buzznet friends wants to make a short film about it. He's new at this, but he is serious, serious enough that he has asked a friend of his who is a graduate of the film school at USC for some help in the production, ok, it's not going to end up at Sundance, and it will probably be an internet thing, but still, you know, it's not a WOW!!!!
But I am kind of excited to see how it turns out.
Here is a test video that he shot.



And this is what he said about the project.
Boz Test
A few months back, Boz wrote the intro to a short story that involved a humorous 911 call. Iit's posted in his May journal, I think.)When I read it, I was struck at the great potential for a short film. I'm still in the planning stages, but I was to do a short test in the meanwhile. Eventually, I'd like to stage a fight and include the 911 operator because the dialog between the caller and operator are pretty great. I hope Boz doesn't mind!

Tra la.

It's always something, but it could be something else

Ten newsworthy things that happened in 1969 after I enlisted in the Air Force.

1. Eisenhower died on the day I reported for basic training, so did my grandfather.

2. Charles DeGaulle died too, typical French guy, he couldn't even let Eisenhower get cold before he goes and kicks it.

3. Man walked on the moon for the first time while I was playing poker in the upper bay of my barracks in Biloxi Mississippi

4. Woodstock took place. Three days of love, peace, and rock & roll, or whatever they called it back then, and I did my part by playing pin ball and getting drunk on a bottle of Bacardi's Rum that I had to have someone buy for me because I had just turned 19 and the legal drinking age for everything except beer was 21.

5. The Tate-LoBianco murders were committed by the Manson family which was weird because the night of the Tate murders a bunch of us went to the drive-in and saw a double bill of The Planet of the Apes which starred Charlton Heston and The Valley of the Dolls which starred dun dun dun ... Sharon Tate.

6. Teddy Kennedy got away with murder or at least negligent homicide when he drove his car off the bridge at Chappaquidick (sic), saving himself, and allowing Mary Jo Kopechne (sic) to drown, but at least this spared us of a Teddy Kennedy presidency, and this is coming from a life long democrat, so don't go there with the "oh yeah, you conservatives yadda yadda yadda".

7. Hurricane Camille hit the Gulf Coast, which I was smack dab in the middle of, and it was pretty cool, seriously, and one of the guys from my squadron went missing, but it turns out he was at his uncle's house just outside of Biloxi, and I kid you not, the guys name was Bud D. Wiser, and it wasn't even a nickname, it was his given name.

8. Ehhhh, there was some peace march on Washington DC, but I was in the air force so my ass was covered, and yeah, even then I was the center of my own universe, so since the war didn't effect me I just sort of ignored it, ok, I was against it, but I ignored it.

9. The Hells Angels beat some guy to death at a Rolling Stones outdoors concert in Altamont California in stark contrast to Woodstock just a few months earlier.

10. The first draft lottery took place while I was home on leave before going over seas, and my number would have been in the 300's so there was no way I would have been drafted if I hadn't enlisted, and I always refer to this as the "so sad, too bad" period of my life.

My sweat is a just sweat

So, I was walking today, and by the way, I walked five miles today, and I sweated a lot, and my heal started to hurt at about the three mile mark, but I'm a trooper and I kept going, but now I'm off subject, and what I wanted to say was when I was walking today I had an out of body experience.
It happened while the song Candy Girl by the Four Seasons was playing on my Zune, and from now on when I talk about my Zune I am going to refer to it as my mp3 player because I am sensing a lot of Zune envy, or maybe it is just Zune hate, out there.
Anyway I had an out of body experience while walking and Candy Girl started playing on my mp3 player, see I told you I was going to start calling it my mp3 player ...
And yeah, I had an out of body experience when Candy Girl started playing, it was like I left my body, you know, I was still walking physically, but mentally I was far away, far away in the lounge of a bowling alley in Paramus New Jersey, and I was singing the falsetto parts of Candy Girl, and the lounge was packed, and people were smiling, and people were swaying back and forth in time, and I was nailing it, nailing the falsetto parts, I was all OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH-WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CANDY GIRL!!!
And the spotlight was on me, and it was a friendly spotlight, and I glistened, maybe not glistened, but I ruled the lounge of the bowling alley in Paramus New Jersey, and there was one person, a certain special person, a certain special person sitting at a ringside table in the lounge of the bowling alley in Paramus New Jersey, and that special person was Susie Minter, yes, the same Susie Minter who I had an unflailing crush on in 8th and 9th grade, the same Susie Minter who made me stutter when she even just glanced at me, the same Susie Minter ... is there even such a word as unflailing (???)but yeah, that Susie Minter, the one with blue eyes, the one with the blond hair, the one who always lef the top two buttons of her starched white blouse unbuttoned, and as far as 8th grade cleavage went she had it, and used it, and I'm getting a little sweaty just thinking about it, but I'm thinking about as a 13 or 14 year old boz would think of it, so that's ok, ok, maybe it's not ok, but it's at least no worse than a grey area ...
And anyway, THAT Susie Minter wrote something on a cocktail napkin and handed it to me when I did my dip after the second OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH-WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CANDY GIRL!!!
And just as I was about to read her note, the note that THAT Susie Minter wrote, Candy Girl ended, and then The End by the Doors came on, and POOOOOF my out of body experience was replaced by false post Vietnam flashback syndrome.
The End ... beautiful friend ... The End

Kafka my ass.

There was a cricket in my bed this morning.
I couldn't kill it, because I couldn't catch it.
I can feel it's little cricket eyes burning into me as it plots it's next course of action.

Yeah, bub

I swear to god, with a lowercase g, I'm getting downright lanky.

It's August, so it's time for a quiz/survey/intrusion on my privacy

What is your middle name?
Vance

What color is your mailbox?
Greyish silver with blue and rust peeking through.

Are you single?
Yes.

Have you ever hit a deer?
No, but I've come close a few times. My niece hit one once and it smashed through the windshield of her car while she was driving down the interstate at night.

Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home?
Little bridges.

What color is your room?
It's a light colored fake wood paneling.

Do you have a small driveway?
No, it's about average.

Do you know anyone with the same ringtone as you?
No.

What do you do first in the morning?
Take a leak.

What brand is your printer?
I don't have a printer, they are a waste of money.

Do you enjoy fighting with people?
No.

Is your hair naturally straight or curly?
Naturally thinning.

Who was your kindergarten teacher?
Mrs. Harris.

What is your ringtone?
19th Nervous Breakdown by the Rolling Stones.

Are you taller than your dad?
Yes.

What curse word do you say the most when your pissed?
Jesus Fuck.

Are you God?
Yes, if you replace the G with a B and the D with a Z.

Do you like someone?
I like a lot of people.

Do you enjoy writing in colored pens?
No, mostly black.

Does anything hurt on your body right now?
Everything hurts on my body right now.

Do you often cry during a movie?
No, but I don't often laugh either.

Last phone call you received?
From my niece returning a call I made to her.

Last text message?
My grand niece thanking me for a birthday card back in March, no wait, from my provider telling me that the rate for text messages are going up.

Do you hate your life?
No, but I hate my bald spot.

Do you get mad easily?
Nah, but I get upset easily.

What is your biggest pet peeve?
People pulling out of their driveway already talking on their cellphones.

Are you cold?
No, I'm sweating.

Do any of your friends have kids?
Yes.

Do you know anyone that is pregnant right now?
Yes.

Who should pay on the first date?
Adam.

How many years older than you are you willing to date?
Zero.

Do you have any friends?
I guess.

Do you have any mean friends?
No.

What is the ugliest color to wear in your opinion?
Red, or maybe purple, but that's just for me.

Have you ever liked someone who all your friends hate?
Yes, all my friends have always hated all my friends.

Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff, seriously?
Sure, wait, I thought that said diving not driving, no.

Have you ever contemplated suicide?
Other people's but not mine.

Do you scratch your ears?
Yes, all the time.

Who was the last person to hug you?
My cousin.

What brand are the pant/jeans you're wearing right now?
I'm not.

How tall are you?
Six foot three inches.

What is the closest green object?
The curtains.

If you were born the opposite sex, what would your parents have named you?
Bozette.

Do you want to have kids?
No, but I wouldn't mind a puppy if I didn't have to clean up after it.

What is the brightest color you're wearing?
White.

Who is the friend you have that you would never have expected to have?
Most of them ... all of them.

Who do you hate the most right now?
No one.

What kind of car do you want?
Doesn't matter as long as it starts every time.

What is your favorite video game?
I don't play video games.

Do you have any TV shows on DVD?
No, wait, someone gave me a VCR tape with two episodes of The Avengers.

Are you wearing make-up?
No, but I will if you insist.

Do you have a tattoo?
Four of them.

Have you ever broken a pinata?
Is that one of the tiny bones in your wrist?

What time is it right now?
11:35 PM EDT.


Do you know how to draw?
Not really, I used to doodle a lot when I got bored, but I stopped getting bored.

Who loves orange soda?
There have been three times in my life when I went on orange soda binges, where I would drink orange soda after orange soda, after orange soda, but the binges only lasted a few days each time.


Who did you last IM?
ChampSuperstar and God.


Do you work a lot of hours?
Hahahaha


Where were you in the last 24 hours?
Mostly around town, yeah, I didn't leave town at all today.


Who was the last person that called you?
You already asked that question in a slightly different form.


Is there anything you regret?
Sure, lot's of things. Oh, you want examples. Ok, joining the Air Force would probably be on the top of the list.

Do you know where your family name originated from?
I'm guessing it's English, or maybe Scotch Irish.

Is there an animal that creeps you out?
Bats, skunks, I guess most varmints do.

What is your favorite color ON A CAR?
I like yellow.


Do you use digital or film cameras?
Digital.

Do you own an iPod?
I own a Zune and a 2 Gig Panasonic.

Have you ever been on a charter bus?
Yes, three times, I think, and that's odd because my cable and internet provider is Charter.

The MySpace of Anne Frank

Ten things Anne Frank would write in her MySpace account if she were a teenager today.
1. Ok, I can't think of ten things she would write, because ... because ... because I haven't thought like a teenage girl teenager since I was in my thirties, but I'll still do ten things.
2. Did you know that Anne Frank and I were born on the same day?
3. If you had to have sex with the movie version of Anne Frank who would you choose, Melissa Gilbert or Millie Perkins?
4. Ok, I know Anne Frank was a teenager, so for the above question you can be a teenager too.
5. This post is taking a lot longer than I expected mostly because for some reason I can't type tonight, and maybe it's the ghost of Anne Frank exacting her revenge against me from the grave.
6. I AM THE GHOST OF ANNE FRANK AND I AM EXACTING MY REVENGE FROM THE GRAVE!
7. Did I mention that I've lost 29 lbs on my diet, take that evil ghost of Anne Frank.
8. When did I become obsessed with Anne Frank?
9. If I had gotten married and had kids I would have named them Anne and Frank, or Sonny and Cher, or Bausch and Lomb.
10. I think Anne Frank would really like Fallout Boy.

Throbbing members only

I had this great idea about a post that would bring thousands of hits here.
I was going to make a post full of phrases like ...

Naked cheerleaders and their perky boobs
and
Sex with dogs named Rover
and
Anal probes after church
and
Cooters with Hooters
and
Tacos smell like fish
and
Marge Simpson porn
and
Nipples can put your eye out
and
Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country
and
Abraham Lincoln our first gay president
and
Cats that kill and the women who love them ...

But I figured why bother.
Good night
PS - Penises that glow in the dark

Potions or Portions, I guess it doesn't make much difference.

I've got blood in my mouth from biting my tongue all week.
Sorry, I mistook my life for a song there for a minute.

Things I did today, or maybe it was yesterday

I stepped on the same tack a half dozen times.

I screwed up the little automatic battery operated car door opener until my car started going honk honk honk, and I screwed with it some more until my car started going HONK HONK HONK.

I stared at an old guy with a pony tail tucked up under his baseball cap.

I walked till I perspired.

I did something for MB, but I forgot what it was, and I guess I could ask her what I did, but I'm sure she's forgotten too.

I remember now. I made cream of asparagus soup using a can of cream of chicken soup, a can of cream of mushroom soup, and a can of asparagus.

While getting a haircut the barber and I discussed his recent prostate surgery, and I'm now almost positive it's prostate and not prostrate.

Also, the barber and I discussed my fairly new cowlick and ways to combat it, and the barber suggested that I use a dab of styling gel, so I stopped at the drugstore next to the barber shop and bought some styling gel from their Dollar Discount Section, and when I got home I squirted a little gel on my finger and it smelt, or smelled, so good that I tasted it, which was a bad idea, because I couldn't get rid of the gel taste no matter how hard I tried, so let that be a lesson to all of you out in the peanut gallery.

Also, while in the Dollar Discount Section of the drugstore I bought a manly LOOFA, to go use with the four manly body washes I bought a week or so ago, and yeah, I'm sure they're manly, because how could they not be with manly names like Pipeline, Olympian, Gravity, and Intensity ...

And I guess that's all I did today, or maybe it was yesterday.

The fan is off until I at least need it again.

I should go to bed.



Yes, there are four pillows, and the sheets are purple, and I'm tired, and I have the bedroom window open, and earlier tonight I could hear the teenage boy from next door make some kind of funny bleating noise, so I guess he must have had his bedroom window open too, and I have no idea why he was bleating, and I don't think it was orgasmically induced, but it could have been, because I was a teenage boy once, and it wasn't unusual for me to bleat two or three times a day, and I still bleat occasionally, so maybe I should close my bedroom window, but fuck it, I'm just going to go to bed instead, which is where this all started.

To miriam wherever I may find her

This is for Kat.

I found this email in my spam folder.

Hi
My name is miriam. I found your email on that dating site.
I also love sex on the side. I have a loving partner but he is working 16 hours a day and we have sex only once a week :(
If you are interested and wanna see my pictures just email me at cmiriam7@byemailonline.info
Don`t reply, use the email above (my boyfriend doesn`t know about that email!)

Here is my reply.
Hi Miriam
I never thought I'd get a reply from my ad on that dating site, and
when you say that dating site I am assuming you mean the one that
specializes in finding sexxxxxxxxx partners for hairlipped albino
crossdressers.
I am glad you like sex on the side too. It's the only way I can have
sex is on the side because my sleep apnia only allows me to have sex
on the side without making me fall asleep, and falling asleep makes me
drool, and nothing turns the ladies off faster than a drooling
hairlipped albino crossdresser who is asleep ... and snoring too,
hahahaha, I made up the part about snoring, it's more of a whimper
than a snore, and then again it's not much a whimper either.
Your boyfriend works sixteen hours a day ... what is he a friggin'
doctor, and if he is could you ask him if he knows any doctors who
specialize in hairlips with a minor in sleep apnia.
Oh yeah, send pictures. Can I make a special request? I love pictures
of women with their underwear on backwards. I'm getting a chubbie just
thinking about it!!!
Waiting for your reply with bait on my breath.
Harlan Saunders Esq.

This'll do

I've lost so much weight that I can see the scar from the incision they made on my hip when they took a piece of bone out to use as a shiv when they removed the herniated disk in my neck in July of 2006.

Imagine, before about a week ago I couldn't see the scar on my hip, and now ...
Well, and now, I was wearing my fat pants without a belt to take the trash cans out tonight and I seriously had a hard time keeping my pants from falling around my knees, and speaking of knees, I think my knees have lost some weight too, and I'm almost positive that my wrists are skinnier, or how else would you explain the fact that ...
Ummm, that I am almost running out of little holes in my watchband in which to fasten my watch with that little metal thing that goes in the hole to keep your watch from falling off your wrist and into your Cheerios when you first get up in the morning and you don't quite have your wits about you.

My ten favorite Bill Murray roles or characters.

In no particular order.

1. Tripper Harrison - Meatballs
2. Bob Wiley - What About Bob? - Bob Wiley
3. Bunny Breckenridge - Ed Wood
4. Ernie McCracken - Kingpin
5. Frank Milo - Mad Dog and Glory
6. Herman Blume - Rushmore
7. Wally Ritche - The Man Who Knew Too Little
8. Mr. McNulty - Square Pegs (No Substitutions)
9. Todd DiLaMuca - Saturday Night Live
10. Nick the Lounge Singer - Saturday Night Live

I'm not saying you ain't pretty, I'm just saying I'm not ready

I felt so old today.
Linda Ronstadt turned 61.



I had such a bone for her back in the late 60's and early 70's BEFORE she became famous and started boning those whack job politicians.

I think it just started raining

My diet.
It includes BK five or six times a week.
It does not include tofu.
It does include the worlds biggest cauliflower, and broccoli too, and fruit juices, and fruits, and occasionally some tuna fish, and some other stuff that you wouldn't believe if I told you, and honest, I'd tell you, but I don't remember.
It includes vigorous exercise of the walking and bicycle riding variety of vigorous exercise, and here's a tip, if you are out riding your bicycle steer clear of bicycle riding grandmothers and their bicycle riding grandchildren, they are just trouble waiting to happen.
And I've lost 23 lbs, or 22 lbs,or 21 lbs, depending on how good my memory is.

I spoonfed you your life and other catch phrases from other reality shows that I don't watch except for that one.

Umm, so it's, I dunno, three in the morning or something like that, and I just finished watching a movie, and my eyes aren't focusing very well, and did I tell you that I'm on a diet and that I've lost twenty pounds, and yeah, it's true, and did I tell you that I sort of accidentally deleted all the songs on my Zune, but that's ok, because I was getting tired of them, and now I have a shitload of mostly different songs on my Zune, but some of the same songs, because I wasn't tired of all of them, just most of them, like I said about twenty words ago, and that's about all I've got to say.

Fuck, I was really going to make a great post here, but the ideas and the words just escaped my brain somewhere between taking a leak and turning on the computer, and now my mind is blank, and my fingers hurt, so ...

Don't tell me that again, ok, but just one more time.

So, I tried to watch the Black Dahlia on Cinemax, but it sucked, I mean it sucked real bad, so maybe I'll just go to bed and listen to music.
Shhhhhhhhhhh, I hear something outside. It sounds like it is someone on a bike, but who would be out riding a bike at one thirty in the morning unless they are up to no good or are practicing for the Tour De France, but since that's already started, and as far as I know East Tawain isn't part of the course, it probably isn't that, unless all those steroid claims are true and somebody got lost on their way to France, and on second thought I think it was just my neighbor putting away his lawn mower.
Anyway, I'm going to bed or something.

The tag on the back of my t-shirt is causing a rash.

It's very hot today.
Not 115 degree hot like out there in Kansas, or whatever that state is that has all the sand and none of the rain.
But it's hot.
And I'm feeling kind of dizzy.
But I'm hydrated so don't worry.
And if there is such a thing as temporary heat blindness I wish I would get it and be done with it.

What I did on the 4th

I slept till about noon after getting up at about six for breakfast,
I gave a guy the finger, but he called me an asshole first, I think he was trying to impress his wife, she didn't look impressed, and after she saw the fire in my eyes she looked scared, I made that part about the fire in my eyes up, and about his wife being scared.
I also ate five hot dogs on the 4th of July, but not all at once or at the same time.
I was attacked by swarm after swarm of no see me bugs at the fireworks display.
It was maddening, they went for my eyes, and they showed no mercy.
I took a shower after I got home.

I think my head is losing weight.

What do you think?

You want fries with that burger?

Ok, so a big storm fried my computer last week.
It's covered by my homeowners insurance.
I took it to the repair place and he has to decide whether or not it can be fixed or needs to be replaced.
I haven't heard back from him yet.
I was going crazy without a computer so I went out and bought a new one.
I will be screwed if he can repair it.
Let's hope that he can't.
Let's hope that he drops it on the floor during a drunken rage.
Let's hope he's a drunk, or a chronic masturbater, yeah, let's say that he can repair it, but while he is looking through my folders he finds my porn, and being a chronic masturbater he erupts all over it, yeah, let's hope that, because even though I can afford a new computer I'd much rather have my insurance cover it, and it probably won't cover the complete cost anyway, because I have a hundred dollar deductible, and they will reimburse me for the price it would take to replace my old computer today, and computer prices have come down, but maybe I can blackmail the chronic masturbating repair guy into saying it will cost more to replace than it will actually cost to replace,and maybe he will comply because nobody in a small town wants to be known as a chronic masturbater, and that's what happened to Goober in Mayberry, and when was the last time you saw Goober???

Did I mention that my new computer has 10,000 gigs of storage, but actually it only has 500 gigs, but you would have probably thought I was bragging if I said that, so I went with the ludicrous to sort of temper your whatever.

It took way too long to write this post

Ten things I saw today
1. A bunch of people at the beach who shouldn't have been wearing skimpy bathing suits, but were.
2. People talking on cellphones while driving, while eating, while shopping, and while invading my personal space.
3. A real cute pregnant woman who kept adjusting her top to cover up her belly.
4. Mother and daughter goth girls waiting in line at the Dairy Queen.
5. The friendly guy at the BK who everyone avoids because he talks too much, and doesn't smell all that good either.
6. A vulture, yeah, a real live vulture, and I've never ever seen a vulture before, but I'm positive that this was a vulture, and he was on the side of the road eating road kill, I swear to god, it was a vulture, and I didn't even know that vultures were indigenous to this area, and I'm not even sure if I know what indigenous means either.
7. A kid on a skateboard wearing the gayest looking pants I have ever seen, they were like something my sister would have worn back in the 50's if she was trying to make a move on a guy, they were that gay.
8. Two of those religious type guys that always travel in pairs, and wear ties, and short sleeved white shirts, and always look like they are going to rain Jesus down on your head if you give them the slightest look of recognition.
9. A husband and wife arguing with each other in a foreign language which might have been French, or Flemish, or Dutch, yeah, it could have been Dutch.
10. A young cop hitting on the tattooed and pierced clerk at the self-serve gas station where I bought a 64 ounce diet Coke for 79 cents today, and I don't know about the clerk, but I wasn't impressed.

No misspellings found

I shouldn't watch television because it tricks me into thinking it is real especially at seven in the morning, except for the news, which I never watch.
Anyway, and enough with the anyways, anyway, I'm going back to bed and pretend, no, I'm going back to bed and ACCEPT that television is real, and maybe I can be the new doctor on Scrubs, which I don't watch either.

Take a deep breath, hold it, hold it, hold it, that's it, now exhale ... good

Ten things you will never hear me say, except if I am trying to be funny.

1. I think my water just broke.
2. Let's do sushi.
3. You know how back in the 70's young people used to go to midnight screenings of the Rocky Horror Picture Show dressed like characters from the movie? I was Susan Sarandon, and I still have the bra and the slip, and I am wearing them right now.
4. Seriously, I could talk politics with you all night even if we weren't screwing.
5. I just renewed my subscription to US News and World Report and People Magazine.
6. My #117, I lied, it's more like a #94.
7. I don't care, anything by Journey is fine with me.
8. I'd like to pledge $250.00 for Jerry's Kids.
9. I think I am losing my mind, but that's not something I'd never say, it's just something I am saying because I am running out of things I will never say except if I am trying to be funny, but seriously, I really do think I am losing my mind, or maybe I am just tired, so I'll make #10 a short one and then I'm going back to bed.
10. Bingo!!!

I mean it this time.

My cable provider just got Video On Demand so now I can watch whatever I want whenever I want and right now I am watching the Showtime Series Weeds starring Mary-Louise Parker and the chick who slept with Tom Hanks when Tom Hanks was really a kid in Tom Hanks body in the movie Big, she's Elizabeth something, but that's not important, and really none of this is important in the grand scheme of things, but, be that as it may, I am watching Weeds, and yeah, I started it watching it because of Mary hyphen Louise Parker, but it has turned into something oh so much more than just that.

It's funny that I should be hooked on a show about marijuana because I haven't smoked since Nixon was president, no wait, I haven't smoked since Reagan was president, and I'm almost positive I didn't smoke when Carter was president, except I might have smoked when the hostages were released, but yeah, the Iranians waited until Reagan was sworn in before they released the hostages, but I might have started smoking before the actual release, but ummm, no I haven't smoked since Nixon was president, except for when Reagan was president and borderline when Carter was president, and I think I might have smoked when Johnson was president, but it was most likely after the election in 68 and Johnson would have been a lame duck president, so maybe that doesn't count, but maybe it does count, and I'm not sure anyway, no wait, I am sure, but it was only once, or maybe twice, yeah, it was twice, and I am totally sure that I didn't smoke when Kennedy was president because I was only thirteen, and drugs hadn't been invented yet, and probably if they had I would have smoked when Kennedy was assassinated, but who could have blamed me, because that was a tragic time in the history of our great nation.

The End

Well, not the end, because I'm not ruling out that I will ever smoke again. I mean, what if I get glaucoma, or what if I fall in love with a hippie commune type chick who GROWS marijuana ... I mean, I'd just about have to smoke then, wouldn't I.

Time out

I'm sitting here at one in the morning waiting for the predicted storm to pass through.
I have all the lights out, my bedroom window blinds are up, and my window is open.
I want lightening.
I want thunder.
I want rain.
I want the wind to lift the curtains up.
I kind of want a dish of ice cream too, but I'm on a diet, and it's really going well, and I've lost about ten lbs, and I'm eating goo ..., I'm eating better, and I'm exercising, (I rode the outside bike for a half hour and the inside bike for forty five minutes) and I'm sweating, and my fat pants are falling off my hips, and my skinny pants are about twenty lbs down the road, and yes, I really am eating better, I'm eating vegetables that aren't on pizza, and fruit that isn't in a candy bar, and stuff, and stuff, and more stuff, and did I tell you I've almost lost ten lbs, and you know, I think Karen Carpenter was really onto something, and ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Yeah.

When I was thirteen

When I was thirteen a family of dwarfs moved in next door to us. I think they were circus folk.

When I was thirteen I fell out of a tree and broke my left ankle in three places and was on crutches all summer and the first two months of the next school year.

When I was thirteen years old my best friend got a job working at an ice cream stand. He promised that he would try to get me a job but he was fired for handing out free cones to girls that would show him their underpants.

When I was thirteen years old I sent away for a ventriloquist's dummy that was advertised for $3.99 but when my package arrived there was a letter from the company saying that they no longer carried the $3.99 ventriloquist's dummy so they sent me a pair of x-ray specs, a whoopee cushion, a fly in an ice cube, and a bar of soap that turned your hands black as a replacement.

This or that

Remember that time you told me that you had sex in a tree with your second cousin's best friend, and I said impossible?
Well, I still don't believe you, but I do believe it's possible.
By the way, your second cousin said to say HI, and she said it in CAPITAL LETTERS, so no, it wasn't a typo on my part, and I'm starting to hate commas as much as I hate comas.

Insightful

Remember when I used to make short, funny, insiteful posts, and we'd laugh, and laugh, and laugh, in that way only we could.
Pretend that you did, because this might be one of them, and I have no idea how to spell insiteful.

An email from Bailey

I received this spam email today.

Hi
It`s bailey again. Will you ever contact me?
I made those nude pictures especially for you and I wont write to you again!
If you wanna see them just drop me a line at: bbailey7@bestvisiongroup.info

And I replied ...

Dear Bailey,
Let me answer your email as if it were a song.

The Bailey Song

BAAAAAA-a-a-a-i-i-i-ley
I think of you DAAAAA-a-a-a-a-a-i-i-i-ley.
How could I forget about youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
You're the one who gave me the fluuuuuuuuuuuuu*
You know that I doooooooooooooooooooooo
Want those nube pictures of youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
Pretty BAAAAAA-a-a-a-i-i-i-ley

BAAAAAA-a-a-a-i-i-i-ley
I've been AWAAAA-a-a-a-ay
For sixty DAAAAA-a-a-a-a-y-sssssssssssss
But it wasn't my fault
I didn't know those cell phones were hot
And believe it or not
On the day I got caught
I called out your name
Pretty BAAAAAA-a-a-a-i-i-i-ley

BAAAAAA-a-a-a-i-i-i-ley
So I'm contacting you now
Just don't have a cow
This is the line that I'll drop
'Cause you know I can't stop
Thinking of you-uuuuuuuuuu
Pretty BAAAAAA-a-a-a-i-i-i-ley

*It was actually Chlamydia but I couldn't thing of anything that
rhymed with Chlamydia.

So, yes, send on the nube pictures and make my man parts tingle.

Yours Truly
Elvis Jr.

I took a forty eight minute walk this morning and all I got was this sweat soaked t-shirt.

And I took a bike ride this evening and all I got was a bunch of those little flying bugs that you can hardly see until they get stuck in your teeth stuck in my teeth.

And I think I hurt one of my man parts on the bicycle seat.

And tomorrow is my birthday.

And all I can think about is my 13th birthday when I got a bike from my parents, which I liked, and a dual bicycle basket, that I didn't like, from my sister who was in Alaska and had ordered through Sears, and I asked my parents if I could return it for the money, which would have been about five dollars, which would have been a princely sum for a thirteen year old back in 1963, and my parents said they would return it for me, and they did, and when I asked for the money they said that Sears would send it to me, and I believed them because they were my parents, and I was thirteen years old and still naive in the ways of the world, and all summer I talked about what I was going to buy for myself with the five dollars as soon as I got it from Sears, I mean, at least once a day I told everyone my plans for what I was going to spend the money on, and then one day my dad and I picked my mother up from work, and I guess she had a hard day, and I guess she was tired, and I started in on my latest rant on how I was going to spend the money, and like I said my mother must have had a hard day, and she must have been tired, because all of a sudden she just turned and looked me straight in the eye in the back seat and said ...

Look, they gave us the money that day, and we spent it on clothes for you, clothes which you needed a damn sight more than you needed whatever the hell you planned on spending that money on. So that's it, there is no money, and I don't want to hear another word about it!

I was stunned into silence.
I didn't know what to do.
I wanted to cry, but I was thirteen years old and I kind of figured that wouldn't help.
I wanted to yell and curse at my parents and blame them for ruining my summer waiting for that fucking money that I now realized I would never see, but they were my parents, and if I had tried something like that they would have taken turns knocking the crap out of me for being such an ungrateful kid.

So, I remained silent.
I remained silent for at least a week.
It was the first guilt trip I ever laid on anybody, and it worked, and it felt good, but not as good as getting the five dollars would have felt, but I was thirteen, and what else could I do, and still ...
Still ...
After all these years I STILL get all bent out of shape whenever I think of ...
I mean they could have told me right away, and I would've gotten pissed, but I would have gotten over it, and after all these years I STILL get bent out of shape whenever I think of it.

Ok, fine, I'm going to go take a shower now, and while I'm at it I think I'll hide MB's Depends.

Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a spider can

I was going to make a post just now, but it's late, and I'm tired, and I just finished the first chapter of Hotel New Hampshire, and maybe I just finished the first chapter of THE Hotel New Hampshire, I'm not certain, and that's why I've decided not to make a post tonight, because I am not certain, but if I were certain I would probably make a post about my drive over to West Branch today, and how I went by myself, and how it was a really nice drive, and how as a way of getting to go by myself without hurting a certain person with the initials M and B feelings I had to promise to buy her a present, and this weighed heavy on my mind, but it shouldn't have as you shall see if you keep reading the post I decided not to make, but am making anyway.

So, when I got to West Branch I stopped at the Walgreen's drugstore first, and I really like the Walgreen's drugstore because they always have good sales and great clearance items, and today I bought 4 bottles of two liter Pepsi for three dollars with a coupon, which would be a sale and not a clearance, and I also bought a "As Seen On TV" men's personal groomer which could be used to trim unwanted nose hair or back hair, or for more mundane tasks such as trimming your beard or mustache, and the best part was it was marked down from $9.99 to $2.00, and that would be a clearance item as opposed to a sale item, oh, and I almost bought a battery operated Spiderman toothbrush by either Crest or Colgate, and I would have bought it for myself, because it was marked down to $2.00 from, I don't know, 7 or 8 dollars, and I would have felt no embarrassment at using it, and I even had it in my shopping cart, but after making a couple of runs through the store I put it back in the clearance bin because it too was a clearance item and not a sale item, and I don't regret not buying it, but it would have been a nice conversation starter if anyone were to ever barge into my bathroom while I was brushing my teeth, which was unlikely, but possible.

Then I went to the Dollar General to buy some Dollar General brand Depends for MB, and I briefly considered making this the gift that I had promised to buy MB, but ...
I didn't, because, seriously, who would want to get disposable underwear as a present, well???

Then I went to the Family Dollar and walked around, and I almost bought some shaving gel that had been marked down from $1.50 to seventy five cents, but wait, I had almost bought the shaving gel at the Dollar General, which is like the Family Dollar, but isn't, and there was nothing I even considered buying from the Family Dollar, so I left still presentless for MB, and nothing for myself either, oh wait, the personal groomer was for me, and see, that's why I decided against making this post that I am now making because I'm disremembering stuff the way it actually happened.

My next stop was the Evil Empire, and not only am I disrembering, I am also getting bored, so I will cut this short ... er, and just say I got MB two jars of Udderly Smooth, the stuff they use on cow's udders when they start to crack, but I think this is a little bit different, but anyway, MB uses it like cold cream to cleanse her face, and she might use it on her udders too, but let's not go there.

By now I was hungry and I stopped at the BK for a burger and fries and a king size diet Coke, and I got the burger free because I called the number on the back of the receipt and took a survey, but it wasn't free ... free, it was free with the purchase of any size fries and any size drink, and I got the king size drink so I would have something to drink on the 40 mile drive back home, and it was actually a free re-fill of the king size drink I drank on the way home.

Oh, yeah, after I left BK the sign at the fruit market said they had grapes on sale, and I was going to stop and get some grapes, and I did stop to get some grapes, but the grapes didn't look all that good, so I got a head of cauliflower, and a bunch of broccoli, which were both on sale, the cauliflower was $1.99 a head, and the broccoli was 89 cents a bunch, and that's it, no wait, I disremembered again, I also got MB some tomatoes from the clearance counter, and this was a really good deal, there were four BIG tomatoes for 99 cents, and they weren't damaged or anything, they were just kind of ripe, but hey, a little ripeness never hurt anyone.

Then I drove home without incident, and when I got home MB was overjoyed with her two gifts, the two gifts being, in case you disremembered, the Udderly Smooth and the tomatoes, and now I am going to bed before I think of anything else that might, or might not have happened on my trip to West Branch today, or technically, my trip to West Branch yesterday.

Another blast from the past

The infamous Wesley From Across The Street halfway through his six month tour in the navy that should have been a six year tour in the navy, but hey, that's just the way WFATS ran.



OBVIOUS FAKE MUSTACHE ALERT OBVIOUS FAKE MUSTACHE ALERT OBVIOUS FAKE MUSTACHE ALERT OBVIOUS FAKE MUSTACHE ALERT

Poseurs that pose

The Heartthrob of Alumni Memorial Elementary School 1960-61

The story of the four Zunes at 1:37 am when I am half asleep

Zune #1
I bought Zune #1 in mid-March at the Evil Empire for what I thought was a fair price, fair in the sense that it was as least as cheap as I had seen it anywhere online when you factored in S&H. I loved Zune #1. I loved Zune #1 as much as anyone could love anything that can't love you back. I uploaded songs to Zune #1, and Zune #1 played them back for me. Yes, Zune #1 and me were a match made in heaven, or so I thought ...

Zune #2
In early April while at another discount chain that ended in Mart but started with K I saw that they had Zune's on sale for thirty dollars cheaper than what I had paid for my beloved Zune #1, and this irked me to no end, because as most of you who care know I hate to pay more than the lowest price for anything, and this doesn't mean that I am cheap or that I buy shoddy merchandise, it just means that I like to get the best I can for the lowest price that I can, and seriously, is there anything wrong with that. So, after leaving the Mart of the K I stopped at the King of the Burger for a diet Coke and an order of some serious soul searching. I mean, thirty dollars is thirty dollars, and and and, I wanted that extra thirty dollars more than I wanted red blood coursing through my veins, and while walking up to get a refill on my diet Coke it hit me. Go back to the Mart of the K and buy Zune #2 for thirty dollars less, take it home and put it in the box that Zune #1 came in, and then take it back to the Evil Empire, along with my sales receipt, and get a refund. So are you with me on this? I kept Zune #1 that I loved with all my heart, and took Zune #2, that I had purchased from the Mart of the K, and returned it to the Evil Empire for my refund, and that was the end of Zune #2, which I never got to really know, but I am sure that if I had I would have loved it almost as much as I loved Zune #1, and I would have been happy with Zune #1 for ever, and ever, and ever except that ...

Zune #3
I dropped Zune #1 while putting it into it's velour-like travel pouch, and I cried, and I cried, and I cried, but only metaphysically speaking, because I would never actually cry over a Zune be it #1, #2, #3 or #1,800,764. So, I got the receipt from the Mart of the K which was for Zune #2 and not Zune #1, because, remember I had used the receipt for Zune #1 when I took Zune #2 to the Evil Empire, and I took Zune #1 to the Mart of the K and told them that Zune #1 was malfunctioning and that I would like a replacement, of course I left out the part about why it was malfunctioning, and they said, sure, no problem, whatever, here's a new Zune, please take it, and live long and prosper, and thus Zune #3 came into my life. Zune #3 was eager to please and we soon developed a relationship that was almost as close as the relationship I had with Zune #1, almost as close, but only on a platonic level. I bought things for Zune #3. I bought it an aluminum case. I bought it a silicone case. I bought it an arm band to use with the silicone case for when I exercised. And ... I bought it a generic wall charger which ... fucked up the Zune #3 the first time I used it.
Ok, now, I no this is getting long and drawn out, but hey, quit reading whenever you like, it's not like I'm forcing you or anything, I just wish I could quit, but no, I have to keep writing, and writing, and writing, until the end, so fuck you very much, but seriously, I'm getting bored as well as tired, so let's just say that I was afraid to take Zune #3 back to the Mart of the K, so instead I contacted Zune through their 800 number and told them the truth, or at least most of the truth. I told them that Zune #3 had gotten fucked up when I tried to charge it up, and the Zune synching cable must have been the fucker upper, and that it probably bent some of the prongs of the docking thingie thing. So the Zune Customer Service Lady said no problem-o, she said that they'd send me a new cable, and that I could keep the old cable, which by the way, had nothing to do with fucking up Zune #3, because, remember it was the generic cable that fucked up #3, and where was I??? The Zune Lady told me that they would send me a pre-paid packing box for Zune #3 and I was to return Zune #3 in said pre-paid packing box and they would repair ... or replace Zune #3 at no charge, well, at no charge because it was still under warranty. Then on Thursday UPS dropped off a package from Zune, and I was so excited because even though I didn't love Zune #3 like I had loved Zune #1, I still had these feelings for Zune #3, and then I opened the box and ...

Zune #4
They hadn't repaired Zune #3, they had replaced Zune #3 with Zune #4, and that is where we stand at this very moment, and quite frankly, I am a little worried about committing wholeheartedly to Zune #4, because I have been hurt before, so let's just wait and see what transpires.

Addendum: While running spellcheck the word heartedly came back as a misspelling, but fuck it, spellcheck has been wrong before, and I am about to crash and burn, so, so nothing. Oh wait, wholeheartedly is one word, not two. Please disregard the addendum

Me and my Zune in June

I'm just wasting time until Fried Green Tomatoes starts on Encore I think in a few minutes.

Speaking of movies, I just found out today from the cable company that Video On Demand starts tomorrow, or make that today because today is already yesterday.

I stopped at the doctor's office to pay a bill and the cute receptionist smiled at me which made me feel bad because I had been checking out her cleavage, which was only average, but it was cleavage, and average cleavage is better than no cleavage at all, or as Shakespeare once said, or it might have been the guy who played the professor in my Debra Messing dream who once said, it is better to have cleaved and lost than never to have cleaved at all.

And how was your day?

I just got my zune back from the zune repair guys today, and they didn't repair it, they sent me a new zune, and that makes it the fourth zune that I have had in my possession since I got my first zune in March, followed by my second and third zune in April, and their is a story behind each and every zune that I have possessed, and maybe, just maybe, one day I will post the story behind each and every zune, but not tonight, because FGT is about to start, and man, I love that movie, and I used to love it because of Mary Stuart Masterson, but now I love it because of Mary Louise Parker, and maybe one day I will love it because of Kathy Bates or Jessica Tandy, but let's hope not, and now ...
On with the show!

My lost weekend took place in the middle of the week this time

I had a dream about Debra Messing the other night, or at least it was someone who reminded me a lot of Debra Messing, and I mean Debra Messing the actress not Debra Messing the sex phone operator, unless they are both the same person, which in that case someone has been lying to me for a long long time.
Anyway, I had this dream about Debra Messing, and in this dream I was in college, so you know the dream had to take place a long time ago, and I was in college, and I had just transferred into a new English class from an old English class during mid-semester, and the two English classes didn't have matching courses of study so I was lost very lost, and because of my lostness I had an attitude problem where I gave the professor a hard time, because I knew he was going to give me a hard time, because I had a reputation as being a bad attitude on campus sort of guy, and I wanted to give him attitude before he gave me attitude, and there we were at some kind of academic stale mate, when all of a sudden Debra Messing, remember her, yeah, Debra Messing walks into the class, right up to the front of the class and she is all emotional and fighting back tears, and she starts talking about how she always picks the wrong type of man, and that all the good man are either taken, or they aren't interested in her, and yeah, I knew Debra Messing was talking about me, because, well, let's face it, in this dream I was all any woman could ever want, and yeah, Debra Messing is now in a full blown weep fest and she is telling about how rotten her life is, with all her different maladies, both real and imagined, and I think the cancer of the knee cap was one of the imagined maladies, but that's only me, and still Debra Messing is going on and on, and all I could do was shut my eyes and shake my head, because seriously Debra Messing is going through an emotional melt down what with all her bad choices concerning men, concerning men who were not me, and all her other bad choices in life that didn't include me, and right about now I am feeling like something BIG is going to happen, like Debra Messing is going to come after me with a big knife or a hand grenade, or maybe Debra Messing is planning another Columbine type thing here, because Debra Messing has always told me who much she admires Michael Moore, and also how much she enjoys killing innocent people, and how flowing blood, lots of flowing blood has always mesmerised her, and wheeeeeeeeeeew, this post about Debra Messing has already lasted longer than the actual dream about Debra Messing, but let's go on until we finish it, ok.
So, the professor asks if anyone knows who this weeping crying girl was, I mean it was obvious it was Debra Messing, but it was a dream, and I suppose he had to ask, and when he asked I just sort of looked away and put on my best I have no idea who this is even though it is obvious it is Debra Messing face, and when no one answers the professor just sort escorts Debra Messing out of the class room and when he comes back he says that was the most pathetic display he had ever seen, and everyone agreed with him, even me, which made me feel bad because ... well, it was Debra Messing, and I knew Debra Messing, and she was a friend, a psycho friend, but a friend nonetheless, and after everyone settled down, and the professor went back to his lecture, I couldn't stop thinking about Debra Messing and her cry for help, and yes, I knew that her cry for help was directed at me, so I figured after class ended I'd better go looking for Debra Messing and see if there was anything I could do to help, and that's what I did when class finally did end, I left the class room fully intending to look for Debra Messing, but when I got outside I was no longer in college, I was in South Korea, just outside of some amusement park hanging around with Hawkeye and Trapper John, no, not Trapper John, the guy who took Trapper John's place, that's right it was BJ, and we were going to go to the amusement park and ride the roller coaster till we puked, and then we were going to go get laid, and probably catch the clap, but not from Debra Messing because she was nowhere in sight.
The End

It's too late to do any good, but here it is anyway.

Things that I want
1. I want a monkey sippy cup but only because it rightfully belongs to me.
2. I want an ink pen that I can write in the dark with so I can write in the dark and see what I'm writing in the dark.
3. I want a dictionary of all the words that I know the spelling and meanings of so I can impress people while not really knowing anything.
4. More hair on my head but only on parts where it isn't growing, and also on my legs, because there is very little, and I hate it when people bring it up.
5. An end to world peace and more hunger throughout the world.
6. Tap shoes because even though I can't ... I was born to dance.
7. I want a list of names of all the girls and women who didn't tell me that they had crushes on me when I was too dumb to realize that they did.
8. Some other stuff, but I'm getting very sleepy and tired and you know my mind is starting to wander and stuff, and maybe I should end this list at eight instead of the usual ten.
9. A new letter of the alphabet named after me or maybe they could just change the letter z to the letter boz. That would be okay with me.
10. To be the bozziest boz of all the boz's anywhere, any time, and any place, except in the Maritime provinces of Canada.

The start of another short story I will never complete. Assuaging Fears

Mildred, is that you?

Yes, it's me.

But your name isn't Mildred, it's Merle.

Yes, I know.

Then why did you answer when I called your Mildred?

Because the 911 manual says we should try to assuage any fears that a caller might have.

But I'm not afraid.

Then why did you call 911?

Good question.

Thank you, I scored a 90% on the question asking part of the 911 Operators Exam.

Is that a good score?

Yes, it was the second highest score in my class.

Who scored the highest?

Some woman named Mildred.

Maybe that's why you answered when I called you Mildred. Maybe it was some kind of Freudian response.

Or it could have been Jungian.

Yes, I meant to say Jungian.

I wonder what Freud would say about that?

I'm more concerned about what Jung would say about it.
What did the manual say?

I don't know, I was on break, I haven't had a chance to look at the manual.

You took a break in the middle of a 911 call?

Yes, I had no choice it's a union regulation.

I wish I belonged to a union like that.

So do I.

You aren't a member of the union?

No, I haven't been a 911 operator long enough to join the union.

How long have you been a 911 operator.

Counting today?

Yes, counting today.

One day.

One day?

Yes, one day. As a matter of fact, you are my first call.

That might explain why you have to check the manual so often.

Yes, that might explain it.

What else could possibly explain it?

I don't know. I'm new here. Let me check the manual. Please hold.

And as always the voice of my conscience was played by Frank Sinatra, is that how you spell conscience?

Psssst, hey Boz, you there?

Uhhh, yeah. Hold on, I just got an email.

Ok, sure.

Back.

Who was the email from?

No one, it was spam. So, what do you want?

Nothing much, I was just wondering what you've been doing lately.

Hmmmm, well, I've been reading a lot. I'm on my fourth book this month. I think this month.

Oh yeah, I read your posts about the first three. What are you reading now?

I'm reading Closing Time by Joesph Heller.

He's the guy who wrote Catch-22 isn't he?

Yeah, he did. This is a sequel written in perspective some 35 to 40 years later.

Do you even know what perspective means?

No, but it makes that sentence flow, doesn't it.

I suppose so. What else is going on?

Wait a second. Don't you want to hear about the book I'm reading?

Ummm, yeah, I guess so.

Let's see, belle sent it to me because she felt guilty about sending me a copy of Catch-22 that she had written in and highlighted.

Belle?

Yeah, you know belle, the hypochondriac who used to have a blog and sort of disappeared who only shows up every once in awhile to tell me what she had for lunch and that she is sure she is about to die from eye cancer, or knee cancer, or ear cancer, or that blood is flowing out of some orifice in her body that usually isn't associated with blood flow.

Oh, that belle. Go on.

Go on where?

Go on telling me about the book that belle sent you.

That's it, I'm done.

I thought you were going to review the book.

Why would I do that?

Are you actually reading the book?

No, not right at this minute, but I was reading it a half hour ago. Yossarian and his son are talking about Dante, and that was kind of boring, so I put it down, and watched a French movie for about five minutes, and then I came in here, hahaha, came in here ... NOT!!!

Anything else?

Anything else what???

Are you doing anything else that might be interesting.

I started another diet. JESUS FUCK!!!

What happened???

The wind just blew my bedroom door shut and it scared the Jesus Fuck out of me.

You say fuck a lot, don't you.

I write it more than I say it. I usually only say it when I'm alone.

If you say fuck while you're alone are you actually saying it?

Huh? Oh, if a tree falls in the woods yadda yadda yadda, I get it.
I'm going to go check out the basketball game on Channel 73. I'll catch you later.

Hey ...

What???

Nothing.

Later then.

(Hmmmm, I wonder where Boz keeps all his good porn.)

The start of another short story I will never complete. The Shorter of the Two Men

The shorter of the two men was wearing khaki work pants and boots.
He was not wearing a shirt and he was very tan.
He kept yelling at the taller of the two men, but I couldn't make out what he was yelling because my bedroom window was closed.
I considered getting up and opening the window, but I thought they might stop if they heard me, and how would I explain that to Merle the 911 operator.
Just then I heard someone on the other end of the phone.

Hey, it's not like that, I've got something in my eye ... honest.

I have a confession to make.
I just finished watching the movie Boys on the Side with Whoppi Goldberg, Mary Louise Parker and Drew Barrymore.
No, the confession isn't that I watched the movie.
The confession I have to make is ...
I almost ...
I kind of ...
I sort of ...
Ok, I might have teared up a little bit when Mary Louise Parker died.
I mean why does it always have to be Mary Louise Parker who dies?
Why couldn't it have been Whoppi Goldberg, I never liked Whoppi Goldberg, and to be honest with you, I almost didn't watch the movie because Whoppi Goldberg was in it, and if it had been Whoppi Goldberg who died, it wouldn't have phased me a bit, and maybe if it had been Drew Barrymore that died, well, I'm sure I would have gotten sad at least until the closing credits had finished rolling, but I would have gotten over it, but ...
WHY WHY WHY MUST IT ALWAYS BE MARY LOUISE PARKER WHO HAS TO DIE???
I think I'll go to bed now, and pretend that Mary Louise Parker didn't die, and that we met at a party somewhere, and our eyes met, and there was a certain spark, and we fell in love, and got married, or at least decided to live together, and then we lived happily ever after with neither of us ever dying again.

Mary Louise Parker, hopefully not dying.

Iri my dearie

Kat forwarded this email to me.

The email

Good day, my gentleman

Do you agree with me that love is like a good wine which you want to drink more and more? I am in search of my second half who will enjoy this love-drink with me the whole life. I found you here and would not like to lose you again.
I know that we are strangers for each other, but I want to believe that time will pass and we will become native souls for each other. If you are single at present time and your heart is free, if you believe in our future love, I will wait for your letter every day http://feelthislove.com/flirtyards

Waiting for your response

Iri

My response

Good day my email hotness,

I think that love is more like a six pack of Budwiser, the more you drink the more you want and when you wake up you swear you will never do it again. I know what you are thinking, and yes, I am a poet.

Ooooh, I want to taste of your love-drink until I cannot hold my breath for any longer than another second or two.

We are only strangers until we are not strangers anymore and our native souls meld into a nice gooey heap of love.

Yes oh yes my darling Iri, my heart is free, and so is my throbbing nine and a half inch organ.

Wait no more, my response is on it's way.

Your soon to be native soul
Milo Minderbender II

The start of another short story I will never complete. The Taller of the Two Men

I turned my attention back to the two men fighting in the street outside my bedroom window.
They both looked to be in their mid-thirties.
They were old enough that they should have know better.
They were young enough that they thought they still should.
I didn't recognize either of them.
The taller of the two men was thin and pale with sandy brown hair.
He was wearing a powder blue t-shirt and a pair of what we used to call gym shorts.
He was also wearing the gaudiest pair of yellow running shoes that I had ever seen.
He looked like he could of have been any of the myriad number of joggers that used the street outside my bedroom window as part of their approximately five mile jogging route that took them around the lake and back into town every weekend morning, afternoon, and early evening.
He was definitely a tourist.

The start of another short story I will never complete. A Fait Accompli

He knew he was in love as soon as she said she was much to pretty to be a lesbian.
To be more precise, he knew he was in love as soon as she asked him to please hold the first time.
He knew that some things were just a fait accompli, and this had been one of them.

Merle?
Merle?
Merle, are you there?

Yes, I'm here.

Merle.

Yes, can I help you?

Merle, may I have your phone number?

You already have my phone number.

I do?

Yes, you do silly. It's 9-1-1. Remember you called me.

Oh, that's right, I did call you.

I thought you did. I mean why would I call you. You were the one with a problem, not me.

Yes, I did call you. It was about the two men fighting in the street outside my bedroom window, wasn't it?

No, it's about the two men that we're assuming were fighting outside your bedroom window.

Of course, how could I have forgotten?

Is that a question or are you just musing?

It was a rhetorical question.

Should I answer it then?

No, rhetorical questions don't require answers.

I wasn't sure. Rhetorical questions aren't covered in the manual.

Are you sure?

I thought I was sure. Let me check one more time to make sure that I am sure.

Should I hold?

Yes, I'm going to check my manual, please hold.

In the summer of 69

A barely 19 year old Airman Boz pretending to shine his boots in the upper bay of barracks #2004, the 3392nd Student Squadron, Keesler AFB, Mississippi.



Here is a comment left on buzznet concerning this picture.
"Boz you were a hottie back in the day. I bet you stole all the hearts!"
Unfortunately for me the comment was made by one of my gay buzznet friends.

If I knew what my ASL was do you think I'd be here?

What am I doing up at three in the morning?
My eyes are glazed over.
My ears are ringing.
My legs, my arms, my feet, me heels, my fingers, my torsos, my shoulders, my ears, I already said my ears, my nostrils, my bald spots, and my Grey's Anatomy's all hurt.

I'm hungry, so I'm going to bed, so that I won't break the diet that I've already broken once since I started it earlier tonight.

The start of another short story I will never complete. What the Manual Says.

Hello, this is Merle, thanks for holding.

Your name is Merle?

Yes, my name is Merle.

I thought Merle was a man's name.

It is for the most part, but there are some woman named Merle, me for instance, and Merle Oberon the actress who was considered one of the most beautiful women in the world.

But wasn't she a lesbian?

No, she was much too pretty to be a lesbian.

And what about you?

What do you mean what about me?

Are you too pretty to be a lesbian.

Yes, despite my somewhat manly voice I am way too pretty to be a lesbian.

I have nothing against lesbians by the way.

Neither do I.

What did your manual say about slapping and kicking as it pertains to fighting.

It didn't say anything.

Where does that leave us?

I guess it's up to me.

Up to you for what?

To decide if slapping and kicking are fighting.

And is it?

For arguments sake let's assume that slapping and kicking are fighting.

I can certainly assume that.

Fine, let's assume that slapping and kicking are fighting. What do you want me to do?

I was hoping you could send someone out to break up what we are both assuming to be a fight between the two men in the street outside my bedroom window.

Who would I send out?

The police???

Can I do that?

You're the 911 operator, you tell me.

Let me check my manual. Please hold.

The start of another short story I will never complete. The Call to 911.

911, how may I assist you?

There are two men fighting in the street outside my bedroom window.

Are you in any immediate danger?

Not unless one of them has a key to my house.

Do either of them have a key to your house?

I don't know, let me ask them.

HEY, DO EITHER OF YOU HAVE A KEY TO MY HOUSE?

They didn't answer they are too busy slapping and kicking at each other.

Slapping and kicking? I thought you said they were fighting.

Yes, that's what I said, two men are fighting in the street outside my bedroom window. Doesn't slapping and kicking constitute a fight?

I don't know. I'll have to check my manual. Please hold.

Why can't all the pretty looking girls in the world live without me?

Email from another pretty girl.

Hello my dear friend
b
I was looking through theb web few weeks ago and found
your profile. Now bI decided to emaibl you to get to knowb
yoau better. I am coming tao your country in few waeeks
and thought may be we can meet each other. I am pretty
looking girl. I am 25. Do not reply to this addressa
directly. Email me back at uee@SpringMailSite.info

My Reply:

Hey Merle, won't you be my girl?

Hello my dear friend Merle,
Are you a boy or are you a girl ... lol, I am kidding on you. I know you are a girl because you said you are. You see. In my country Merle is mostly either a man's name or a lesbian's name, and I bet you are too pretty to be a lesbian (wink, wink). Don't get me wrong, I like lesbians, but just not in that way, because that way would be foolish because they are lesbians. I hope I am not confusing you. I am a sociologist, is that how you spell that, and I study things like lesbians, I'm not saying that lesbians are things, they are people just like the rest of us, only they like girls instead of boys. HEY!!! I think I am a lesbian too, because I like girls instead of boys. lololololo ... l.
Oh Merle, whenever I think of you it reminds me of that song Okie from Musgogee by Merle Haggard. Perhaps when you come to my area and visit me and we make a Love Connection that can be OUR SONG.
I must close now, I am meeting a group of lesbians for a business lunch. I won't tell them that your name is Merle because I don't want them to hit on you.
Yours truly,
Dr Butch Patrick PHD
PS. I love the way you type. You are such a grammatical rebel!!!

The start of another short story I will never complete.

I put down the book I was reading and looked out my bedroom window. There were two men fighting in the middle of the street. It was clear that neither of them knew how to fight. They flailed a lot, and they kicked a lot, but any contact they made was glancing, and caused little damage except to make them flail and kick even more furiously.

If they knew how to fight I probably wouldn't have called 911, but there is nothing I hate worse than ineptitude in any form, and they were certainly inept, so therefore I had no choice but to make the phone call.

A woman with a manly voice answered my 911 call. I was nonplussed for a second but decided, even before I spoke, that a manly voice, especially if you were a woman, could be a plus for a 911 operator.

Blah

If I were ever to start a band these are names I would consider naming the band that I decided to start.
1. The Mighty Boztones
2. I'm With Stupid
3. Gee and the Spots
4. Killdozer X
5. The Hungry Dawgz
6. ET Phoned Home
7. Death and Dreadlocks
8. The War Zone Peeps
9. Crude Boils
10. Idiot and the Savants

Ten times ten is more than 99

Ten things I'm thinking now, right the fuck now.
1. It's too early, I should go back to bed.
2. I don't think I like the changes in my bedroom.
3. I wonder what hand sanitizer tastes like.
4. It's so cold I'm glad I don't sleep naked.
5. Z is my favorite letter of the alphabet.
6. If my stomach could REALLY talk I wonder what it would have to say for itself.
7. I'm glad I changed my mind about going out for breakfast this morning because I'm not in the mood for combing my hair right now.
8. What should I get myself for my birthday which is coming up next month just like it does every year.
9. I hope I don't have that dream about spending the night in jail again, it seems so real that when I wake up I have a hard time convincing myself that I've never spent a night in jail.
10. Come to think of it, sleeping naked doesn't sound like such a bad idea.

Faith, is that bassically you?

2nd email from Faith

hello my dear Killer,
how are you doing today, hope fine. i am faith by name from ghana am 26yrs old and i have a brother is name is joseph and my mum maria by name, we are bassically from liberia, but we are living in ghana now, i am a student and i love meeting new friends all over the world, i will be very greatful if you can send me your new pic and tell me more about you, even give me your phone number so i can call you. i hope to hear from you soon,
with love,
Faith


My Reply

hello my dear Faith who is mostly from Liberia,
Here is my picture that you requested. Many people think I look like teen idol Corey Feldman, I am also enclosing a picture of teen idol Corey Feldman so tell me what you think.
I am mostly from the United States and I should be getting out pris ... out of "skool" in 8-10 years.
My phone number is xxx-xxx-xxxx*, but there is only one phone for the whole cell block, I mean the whole dormitory, so many times other people will answer the phone and teasingly try to get you to bring drugs, I mean care packages, into our "skool"
I have to leave the computer now. A fellow inmate, I mean class mate, named Big Guido wants to use my ass, I mean the computer.
Thank you for writing to a lonely inmate, I mean college student.
Lovingly calling you my new friend
Killer (It's just a nickname, honest)
*This email was monitored and edited by the State Bureau of Prisons.

Killer



Teen Idol Corey Feldman

I'm looking at 3-5 with time off for good behavior

This came to my buzznet account earlier today.

Hello dear new friend,
how are you today i hope that every things is ok with you as is my pleassure to contact you after viewing your profile which really interest me in having communication with you if you will have the desire with me so that we can get to know each other better and see what happened in future.
i will be very happy if you can write me through my email for easiest communication and to know all about each other,here is my email (faith2prettygirl@yahoo.com ) i will be waiting to hear from you as i wish you all the best this new year
yours new friend
Faith,

My Reply

Hello back at ya my dear new friend!
I was just sitting hear in my cell, I mean my dorm room, wishing that I had a dear new friend, and then (((poof))) here you are a dear new friend.
I am glad that you recieved much pleassures from viewing my profile, but be careful I have heard many times that if you derive too much pleassures that you can go blind, but I guess if you only do it until you need glasses I guess that wouldn't be too much pleassures to be deriving, and anyway, me and my cell mates, I mean me and my room mates, really like girls with glasses. I mean we REALLY LIKE GIRLS WITH GLASSES.
I have many desires to meet new dear friends, and it would be much pleassures to me during my unfortunate incarceration, I mean while I am away at school, to get to know you better.

Are we having a best new year already? I guess time really does fly when you are in pris ... when you are away at school.

Please, please, please let us get on the track to becomming dear OLD friends. I am pining to get to know you better.

Yours newER friend

Killer (It's just a nickname, honest)

To be so totally whacked on a Monday night that you don't care, you just don't care.

I am going to bed wearing the grey t-shirt that I have worn all day long that I stole from the phys ed department of the school where I used to teach.
That's how tired I am.
That's how little I care.
That's ...
Excuse me for a minute.
I just had one of those seemingly drug induced episodes where both time and space inexplicably merge and you see your destiny, and my destiny says I should go to bed wearing the grey t-shirt that I have worn all day yadda, yadda, yadda, ho, ho, ho.

Ma, my head hurts

I saw a teenage girl at the BK in W. Branch today who looked just like Rocky Dennis.



Or maybe I just saw Eric Stolz.

I love the sound of thunder in the morning, it sounds like my stomach growling

It's raining, and there's thunder off in the distance, and I just made coffee, and I had a couple of cookies, and the bottom sheet has come off the corners of the bed, and a truck just drove by, and my stomach just made a noise which was louder than the thunder off in the distance, and now the thunder off in the distance just made the house vibrate even though the thunder is still off in the distance, and I just read an email for a sale at an electronics store where you can get a 6 gig pocket hard drive for $19.99, and I was tempted to buy it, but I don't need it, and I would never use it, but I'm still tempted to buy it just like the 1 gig SD card I bought for ten dollars yesterday at the Evil Empire, I think I have four 1 gig cards now, but it was ten dollars man ... ten dollars, and finally, fuck it, there's no and finally today, I'm going back to bed, and I'm not even going to fix the bottom sheet that has come off the corners of the bed, because that's just the way I roll.

What is it with socks?

I guess I'll read now, or maybe I'll just go to bed and dream about Beryl, sighhhhhhh, my sweet lovely, innocent, nice pretty, Beryl. Sighhhhhhhhhh, Beryl.
MB forgot her purse over in West Branch today, so I'll have to go and get it on Monday, but I can't give her a hard time about it because I just realised that the Mother's Day card I got her says Happy Mother's Day to a Wonderful Daughter, and I'm not going to mention it to her because she loves to rub my face in any errors that I make, and don't worry about her purse, there wasn't any money in it, and her ID card has expired, and I imagine the three sticks of gum she had in it will keep, and besides they put it in the safe for her, and I wasn't going to tell you that she left at it the Burger King because you always make me feel less than human when I tell you that I was at the BK, and who knew that the BK had a safe, and you know, I bet MB was a wonderful daughter because to hear her tell it she was a saint, and I guess that's it except for the fact that I won an apple pie and a small milk shake with the Spiderman scratch off game at the BK today ... ole!
West Branch is an 80 mile round trip, that chewing gum had better be safe in the safe at the Burger King that I wasn't going to tell you about stopping at.

Dandelions

I took MB for a pre-Mother's Day drive over to West Branch today.
This must be the year for dandelions. They were everywhere.
Seriously, they were everywhere.
Seriously.



Seriously.
I've got more pictures if you want to see them. I took 31 pictures in all. About 25 on one side of the road, and about 6 through the car window of the other side of the road, the side of the road that I think the chickens crossed over to, or I might be thinking of something else.
I mean dandelions were everywhere, but I said that already, didn't I.
Ok, just enjoy the picture, I'm going to go do something that involves eating and ham.
Click on pic to go to buzznet for full size view.
Wait ... I hear ham!!!

Dr Hunter Douglas ... gets a new girl friend, maybe

Received this email this morning.

Do not ignorea me please,
I found your email somewhereb band now decided to write you.
Ib am coming to your place in few weeks and thought we
can meet each other. Let me know if you do not mind.
I am a nice pretty girl. Don't reply to this email.
Email me direclty at ayuek@SpringMailSite.info

My reply.

Dear Beryl,
My, that is a pretty name, is it by any chance Nigerian?
You write such a beautiful email how could I possibly ignorea you?
Of course Ib would like to meet you when you come to my place in a few weeks and I do not mind meeting you when you come to my place, but be sure to wear some long underpants because my place is very cold now ... lolololol I make a little joke, the whether here is fine, it just tickles me to say underpants.
Thank you for telling me that you are a nice pretty girl because I HATE GIRLS THAT ARE NOT NICE PRETTY GIRLS, I MEAN I REALLY HATE THEM SOOO VERY MUCH.
My friends call me Lothar but you may call me Dr Hunter Douglas because that is my name.
Hoping so very much to hear from you soon.
Achingly waiting for your reply to my email, not because I am lonely but because I like meeting nice pretty girls, I REALLY LIKE MEETING NICE PRETTY GIRLS.
Dr Hunter Douglas
PS - Many people have told me that I am an nice pretty boy so we should make a stunning couple when you visit my place in a few weeks.

It rained today, and it was cool, and it was humid, and the air was fragrant like flowers.

I feel smart tonight.
No, I really do.
Smart and hip, and not tragically hip like I usually feel, hip like I know what's going on, and ...
I'm going to stop now before I stop feeling smart and my hipness reverts to the tragic variety.
Who loves ya?
Bozzie loves ya.
G'night

I hear noises and there is no one there except for that zombie way off in the distance but I might be imagining that too.

I used to believe that if you sneezed ten times in a row in quick succession you would die, that's what I believed when I was a teenager and the most I ever sneezed in a row in quick succession was seven, maybe eight times ever, but sometime in my late twenties I did it, I sneezed ten times in a row in quick succession and I didn't die, and I thought that might have been the exception that proved the rule, or maybe it was something like not getting pregnant the first time you fuck, and I was going to change the first time you fuck to the first time you have sex, but I said fuck so there you go, but this isn't about fucking it's about sneezing, and a girl once told me that a really good sneeze was like a really good orgasm, but this is the same girl that told me that the song Norwegian Wood was a song about John Lennon fucking Natalie Wood, and I never believed that, I mean you might as well have said that Norwegian Wood was a song about John Lennon fucking Doris Day in the woods while Helmut Newton took pictures, and so it goes, and now back to sneezing ten times in a row in quick succession and dying ...
As it turns out you can sneeze a whole lot of times and not die, and conversely you can sneeze like no amount of times and die, so what does it all mean, nothing I guess, but in case you're interested the most I have sneezed in a row in quick succession is fourteen times, and it didn't kill me, but it probably will eventually.

Bite me, and bite me again, and again, and again

Ten things that haven't anything to do with any of the other ten things.

1. If I were a writer I wouldn't want to be like any other writer and I'd want no other writer to be like me, as if they'd want to be, anyway, huh.
2. I had a large diet coke, you know, one of those 44 ounce type deals, in the car today, in the drink holder, and when I pulled out of the parking lot, it was no longer in the drink holder, it was now, or it was then on the floor in front of the passenger seat, and I panicked for a moment and almost drove into oncoming traffic, but I ... fuck, it's two in the morning and MB just told me she was out of Depends ... out of Depends, I just bought her two packages two days ago ... there's twenty in each package, it's ridiculous, she must wear five at a time, I am flabbergasted, and I can't think straight.
3. Now my head feels like it is about to explode, with confetti and everything.
4. I am defeated.
5. I give up.
6. Would someone please smother me in my sleep.
7. My god, even Sam Cooke songs can't calm me down, Sam Cooke can calm anyone down, but he can't calm me down. Seriously, I think I'm about to hyper-ventilate.
8. You think I'm overstating it don't you.
9. I guess I could go to the Evil Empire, they're always open. I wonder if I could go in there dressed like I'm dressed now. I guess the tu-tu would look alright but I'm not so sure about the tube sock arm warmers and KISS make-up, ok, it's not KISS make-up, but you know ... Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
10. And finally ... Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Fuck it, nevermind, I'll just go sit in the corner, act like I'm not here. There's some Diet Coke in the fridge if you get thirsty, and I think there's some leftover meatloaf in there too.
G'night.

Pictures

MB doing her "What you talkin' 'bout Willis" impression ...



Awwwwww ...



Yours truly ...

The heart of a poet, the shoes of a fisherman, and the mind of a man possessed, or something equally literal

My throat is raw tonight.
I took some Nyquil about ten minutes ago, the store brand kind, the cherry flavored kind, the kind that I bet would taste good on ice cream kind, but my throat is still raw.
I got caught in the rain today, driving back from Oscoda, with a pizza from Hungry Howies in the back seat, it was a square pizza, it didn't taste all that good, it was really raining heavy at times, one person pulled over, the one person wasn't me, but there have been times when I have pulled over because of the rain, or the tap dancing deer(s).
I should take some more Nyquil, or a shot of cheap booze, and pretend I'm Bukowski, no wait, not Bukowski, and pretend I'm Kerouac, no, not Kerouac, and pretend I'm one of those beat poets that I can never remember the name of, the ones that lived in squalor, no, the ones that thrived in squalor, the ones who chain smoked, and drank cheap red wine, and did a little reefer, and popped a few pills, and tried a little horse, and slept on the floor of their best friends apartment when they got kicked out of their own for playing Charlie Parker too late and too loud, or for clogging up the plumbing when they got all paranoid and flushed the manuscript they'd been working on for three years, (three fucking years man) down the toilet, or for having sex, with a girl, or a guy, or a group, or for being free man, that man hates when you're free.
I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by bad haircuts and paisley neckties
I think I'd like some soup now please, maybe a little cream of mushroom, thanks.

The not so grand ennui

I need a theme song.
A song that would play automatically whenever you click on The Grand Ennui, but not the song The Grand Ennui, because that's a little too country, and I'm a little too rock and roll.
ROCK AND ROLL ... MOTHER FUCKERS!!!
Something that reeks of me, reeks of boz.
My essence.
My Yin.
My Yang.
My Id.
My Nazz (Nazz???)
Something that if you heard it on the radio on your drive home from work you'd say to yourself ...
Hey, that's The Boz Song!!!
Something to do with HAM.
Any suggestions?
Goodnight.