Monday, July 30, 2007

The MySpace of Anne Frank

Ten things Anne Frank would write in her MySpace account if she were a teenager today.
1. Ok, I can't think of ten things she would write, because ... because ... because I haven't thought like a teenage girl teenager since I was in my thirties, but I'll still do ten things.
2. Did you know that Anne Frank and I were born on the same day?
3. If you had to have sex with the movie version of Anne Frank who would you choose, Melissa Gilbert or Millie Perkins?
4. Ok, I know Anne Frank was a teenager, so for the above question you can be a teenager too.
5. This post is taking a lot longer than I expected mostly because for some reason I can't type tonight, and maybe it's the ghost of Anne Frank exacting her revenge against me from the grave.
7. Did I mention that I've lost 29 lbs on my diet, take that evil ghost of Anne Frank.
8. When did I become obsessed with Anne Frank?
9. If I had gotten married and had kids I would have named them Anne and Frank, or Sonny and Cher, or Bausch and Lomb.
10. I think Anne Frank would really like Fallout Boy.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Throbbing members only

I had this great idea about a post that would bring thousands of hits here.
I was going to make a post full of phrases like ...

Naked cheerleaders and their perky boobs
Sex with dogs named Rover
Anal probes after church
Cooters with Hooters
Tacos smell like fish
Marge Simpson porn
Nipples can put your eye out
Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country
Abraham Lincoln our first gay president
Cats that kill and the women who love them ...

But I figured why bother.
Good night
PS - Penises that glow in the dark

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Potions or Portions, I guess it doesn't make much difference.

I've got blood in my mouth from biting my tongue all week.
Sorry, I mistook my life for a song there for a minute.

Things I did today, or maybe it was yesterday

I stepped on the same tack a half dozen times.

I screwed up the little automatic battery operated car door opener until my car started going honk honk honk, and I screwed with it some more until my car started going HONK HONK HONK.

I stared at an old guy with a pony tail tucked up under his baseball cap.

I walked till I perspired.

I did something for MB, but I forgot what it was, and I guess I could ask her what I did, but I'm sure she's forgotten too.

I remember now. I made cream of asparagus soup using a can of cream of chicken soup, a can of cream of mushroom soup, and a can of asparagus.

While getting a haircut the barber and I discussed his recent prostate surgery, and I'm now almost positive it's prostate and not prostrate.

Also, the barber and I discussed my fairly new cowlick and ways to combat it, and the barber suggested that I use a dab of styling gel, so I stopped at the drugstore next to the barber shop and bought some styling gel from their Dollar Discount Section, and when I got home I squirted a little gel on my finger and it smelt, or smelled, so good that I tasted it, which was a bad idea, because I couldn't get rid of the gel taste no matter how hard I tried, so let that be a lesson to all of you out in the peanut gallery.

Also, while in the Dollar Discount Section of the drugstore I bought a manly LOOFA, to go use with the four manly body washes I bought a week or so ago, and yeah, I'm sure they're manly, because how could they not be with manly names like Pipeline, Olympian, Gravity, and Intensity ...

And I guess that's all I did today, or maybe it was yesterday.

Monday, July 23, 2007

The fan is off until I at least need it again.

I should go to bed.

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Yes, there are four pillows, and the sheets are purple, and I'm tired, and I have the bedroom window open, and earlier tonight I could hear the teenage boy from next door make some kind of funny bleating noise, so I guess he must have had his bedroom window open too, and I have no idea why he was bleating, and I don't think it was orgasmically induced, but it could have been, because I was a teenage boy once, and it wasn't unusual for me to bleat two or three times a day, and I still bleat occasionally, so maybe I should close my bedroom window, but fuck it, I'm just going to go to bed instead, which is where this all started.

Friday, July 20, 2007

To miriam wherever I may find her

This is for Kat.

I found this email in my spam folder.

My name is miriam. I found your email on that dating site.
I also love sex on the side. I have a loving partner but he is working 16 hours a day and we have sex only once a week :(
If you are interested and wanna see my pictures just email me at
Don`t reply, use the email above (my boyfriend doesn`t know about that email!)

Here is my reply.
Hi Miriam
I never thought I'd get a reply from my ad on that dating site, and
when you say that dating site I am assuming you mean the one that
specializes in finding sexxxxxxxxx partners for hairlipped albino
I am glad you like sex on the side too. It's the only way I can have
sex is on the side because my sleep apnia only allows me to have sex
on the side without making me fall asleep, and falling asleep makes me
drool, and nothing turns the ladies off faster than a drooling
hairlipped albino crossdresser who is asleep ... and snoring too,
hahahaha, I made up the part about snoring, it's more of a whimper
than a snore, and then again it's not much a whimper either.
Your boyfriend works sixteen hours a day ... what is he a friggin'
doctor, and if he is could you ask him if he knows any doctors who
specialize in hairlips with a minor in sleep apnia.
Oh yeah, send pictures. Can I make a special request? I love pictures
of women with their underwear on backwards. I'm getting a chubbie just
thinking about it!!!
Waiting for your reply with bait on my breath.
Harlan Saunders Esq.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

This'll do

I've lost so much weight that I can see the scar from the incision they made on my hip when they took a piece of bone out to use as a shiv when they removed the herniated disk in my neck in July of 2006.

Imagine, before about a week ago I couldn't see the scar on my hip, and now ...
Well, and now, I was wearing my fat pants without a belt to take the trash cans out tonight and I seriously had a hard time keeping my pants from falling around my knees, and speaking of knees, I think my knees have lost some weight too, and I'm almost positive that my wrists are skinnier, or how else would you explain the fact that ...
Ummm, that I am almost running out of little holes in my watchband in which to fasten my watch with that little metal thing that goes in the hole to keep your watch from falling off your wrist and into your Cheerios when you first get up in the morning and you don't quite have your wits about you.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

I think it just started raining

My diet.
It includes BK five or six times a week.
It does not include tofu.
It does include the worlds biggest cauliflower, and broccoli too, and fruit juices, and fruits, and occasionally some tuna fish, and some other stuff that you wouldn't believe if I told you, and honest, I'd tell you, but I don't remember.
It includes vigorous exercise of the walking and bicycle riding variety of vigorous exercise, and here's a tip, if you are out riding your bicycle steer clear of bicycle riding grandmothers and their bicycle riding grandchildren, they are just trouble waiting to happen.
And I've lost 23 lbs, or 22 lbs,or 21 lbs, depending on how good my memory is.

Monday, July 09, 2007

I spoonfed you your life and other catch phrases from other reality shows that I don't watch except for that one.

Umm, so it's, I dunno, three in the morning or something like that, and I just finished watching a movie, and my eyes aren't focusing very well, and did I tell you that I'm on a diet and that I've lost twenty pounds, and yeah, it's true, and did I tell you that I sort of accidentally deleted all the songs on my Zune, but that's ok, because I was getting tired of them, and now I have a shitload of mostly different songs on my Zune, but some of the same songs, because I wasn't tired of all of them, just most of them, like I said about twenty words ago, and that's about all I've got to say.

Fuck, I was really going to make a great post here, but the ideas and the words just escaped my brain somewhere between taking a leak and turning on the computer, and now my mind is blank, and my fingers hurt, so ...

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Don't tell me that again, ok, but just one more time.

So, I tried to watch the Black Dahlia on Cinemax, but it sucked, I mean it sucked real bad, so maybe I'll just go to bed and listen to music.
Shhhhhhhhhhh, I hear something outside. It sounds like it is someone on a bike, but who would be out riding a bike at one thirty in the morning unless they are up to no good or are practicing for the Tour De France, but since that's already started, and as far as I know East Tawain isn't part of the course, it probably isn't that, unless all those steroid claims are true and somebody got lost on their way to France, and on second thought I think it was just my neighbor putting away his lawn mower.
Anyway, I'm going to bed or something.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

The tag on the back of my t-shirt is causing a rash.

It's very hot today.
Not 115 degree hot like out there in Kansas, or whatever that state is that has all the sand and none of the rain.
But it's hot.
And I'm feeling kind of dizzy.
But I'm hydrated so don't worry.
And if there is such a thing as temporary heat blindness I wish I would get it and be done with it.

Friday, July 06, 2007

What I did on the 4th

I slept till about noon after getting up at about six for breakfast,
I gave a guy the finger, but he called me an asshole first, I think he was trying to impress his wife, she didn't look impressed, and after she saw the fire in my eyes she looked scared, I made that part about the fire in my eyes up, and about his wife being scared.
I also ate five hot dogs on the 4th of July, but not all at once or at the same time.
I was attacked by swarm after swarm of no see me bugs at the fireworks display.
It was maddening, they went for my eyes, and they showed no mercy.
I took a shower after I got home.

Monday, July 02, 2007

I think my head is losing weight.

What do you think?

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Sunday, July 01, 2007

You want fries with that burger?

Ok, so a big storm fried my computer last week.
It's covered by my homeowners insurance.
I took it to the repair place and he has to decide whether or not it can be fixed or needs to be replaced.
I haven't heard back from him yet.
I was going crazy without a computer so I went out and bought a new one.
I will be screwed if he can repair it.
Let's hope that he can't.
Let's hope that he drops it on the floor during a drunken rage.
Let's hope he's a drunk, or a chronic masturbater, yeah, let's say that he can repair it, but while he is looking through my folders he finds my porn, and being a chronic masturbater he erupts all over it, yeah, let's hope that, because even though I can afford a new computer I'd much rather have my insurance cover it, and it probably won't cover the complete cost anyway, because I have a hundred dollar deductible, and they will reimburse me for the price it would take to replace my old computer today, and computer prices have come down, but maybe I can blackmail the chronic masturbating repair guy into saying it will cost more to replace than it will actually cost to replace,and maybe he will comply because nobody in a small town wants to be known as a chronic masturbater, and that's what happened to Goober in Mayberry, and when was the last time you saw Goober???

Did I mention that my new computer has 10,000 gigs of storage, but actually it only has 500 gigs, but you would have probably thought I was bragging if I said that, so I went with the ludicrous to sort of temper your whatever.