Being of sound mind

Even though I am very sick ...
How sick am I?
My feet are cold.
My nose is stuffed up.
I ache.
My head hurts.
I have chills.
I still smell faintly like mustard ...
No, I don't smell faintly like mustard but in my delirium I thought that sounded funny
But yeah, even though I am very sick I vow ...
No ...
I VOW
That I will post every day from now until the end of March, unless of course I die, or something better comes up.

Ok, here's a picture of me when I was 19 and home on leave before going overseas to the island of Crete, many people on buzznet think I look very cute in this pic, but that's not why I posted it, I posted it because ...
I was trying to grow a mustache and it wasn't working, the cuteness is just there, what can I say.

One across: Palindromic band

I've got heartburn.
My sinus(s) are killing me.
I want to eat the candy bar that I want to save for later.
I don't think I'll take a shower tonight.
I think I might shave.
I paid a $750.00 bill today.
Do you realize how emotionally hard it is to make out a check in the amount of $750.00, I mean your mind may say yes, but your hand says no, or maybe it's the other way around.
The sinus meds are making me think not so straight.
The heartburn medication isn't working.
I think I've talked myself out of eating the candy bar that I am saving for later.

Give me a pack of Newports, soft pack

So, here it is.
It's after six in the morning and I've been up all night, and I'm half asleep and I'm wide awake, and I smell faintly like mustard.
I don't know what to do, should I go to bed, should I watch tv, should I contemplate mayhem, or should I just go see what's in the fridge.
And my neck hurts, and they killed Omar, they fucking killed Omar, the fucking fuckers fucking killed Omar, or is it Omer, doesn't matter, cause they fucking killed him.



RIP Omar, R I fucking P.

I didn't do a pinky swear when I promised to post today.

Is it pinky or pinkie?
I know, I'll take a picture of myself on my web cam and post it.
Everyone likes pictures of me.



I think I'll watch the movie Chinatown even though there aren't any Chinese in it, I mean, who disrespectful is that, and change that who to how.

I'll make a post tomorrow, honest.

Did I spell tomorrow correctly?

Radical new hair cut

No, I didn't get it colored, but it does look like I did, maybe now that it's shorter it just looks lighter, or maybe the stylist drugged me, had her way with me, and then colored it without me knowing it.



I think it's somewhere between a Julius Caesar and a David Letterman, and did I mention that the stylist was really hot, and maybe I just fantasized that she drugged me, but I am positive that she did grind her inner thigh into my elbow one time, and yeah, I really like it so far, let's just see how it looks tomorrow.

And speaking about Julius Caesar, I've been catching up with the first season of Rome on HBO, and the episode I watched last night introduced Cleopatra, and Cleopatra is played by Lyndsey Marshal, and Lyndsey Marshal's Cleopatra is pure sex, and she could grind her inner thigh into my elbow any time.

Yesterday was Jennifer Jason Leigh's birthday and all she got her was a lousy shirt

The abnormally beautiful Jennifer Jason Leigh





She turned 46 yesterday.
She's finally legal for Osama Bin Laden, and that guy from the group who sang All The Young Dudes, and me.

NATALEE HOLLOWAY (with an O not an A) SEX TAPE HITS THE INTERNET

I bought a ticket for the 100 million plus Mega Millions jackpot for tonight, and if I win the jackpot I will buy a new car for everyone who leaves a comment on this post, of course the comments must be made before the drawing tonight, or at least before I check the winning numbers, which might be days, or even weeks, because I have a history of buying lottery tickets and sticking them on my bulletin board and then forgetting about them.

Also, it was very nice for my son, Cow Boris, to point out my spelling error in the
NATALEE HOLLAWAY SEX TAPE HITS THE INTERNET
post.
It should have read
NATALEE HOLLOWAY SEX TAPE HITS THE INTERNET
But still, I have gotten a number of hits from people who spell as badly as me, and don't have a Cow Boris in their life to point out their mistakes.

I think I am going to turn this into a celebrity gossip blog

I mean really, I know all about the dancing baby, and Eve Plumb, and that red headed girl that was in the movie about the zombies who went bowling on Friday nights, and that Spanish guy Javier Badem, or something like Badem, wait, I'll check ...
Ok, it's Bardem, and he's a really good actor, so maybe I won't turn this into a celebrity gossip blog, maybe I'll turn it into a SHRINE TO JAVIER BARDEM, and I can post about his latest movies, and his personal life, and what it was like growing up as Javier Bardem, and just all kinds of STUFF JAVIER BARDEM!!!

Here we go!!!

BOZ'S SHRINE TO JAVIER BARDEM

Javier Bardem, the Spanish Fonzie.



Javier Bardem as Fez's father in a very special episode of That 70's Show.



Javier Bardem sporting wood on the beach.



Magazine story on Javier Bardem that roughly translated reads: Javier Bardem is dating Penelope Cruz, I guess this proves he isn't gay after all, unless he has the same kind of arrangement that Tom Cruise had with Penelope Cruz, and didn't you think that whole last name Cruise/Cruz thing was kind of creepy. I said it was a rough translation.

Below is a really great title for a post that will send me mega hits from guys that are even pervier than me

The post title that will bring hundreds of hits for a day or two and then I will once again sink back into oblivion:

NATALEE HOLLAWAY SEX TAPE HITS THE INTERNET.

Ten questions for John Cusack

1. What do you like to talk about at parties?
How I took Daphne Zuniga's virginity during the filming of The Sure Thing.

2. Did you?
Did I what?

3. Did you take Daphne Zuniga's virginity during the filming of The Sure Thing?
I a-h-h-h-h-h, I'm not sure, it was such a long time ago, but I'm sure I took Wil Wheaton's virginity during the filming of Stand By Me.

4. Do you always type the word ahhhhhhh, as a-h-h-h-h-h.
Only when I a-h-h-h-h-h, yes.

5. Tell me a little bit about Ione Skye.
That's not a question, I know these things because I played an English teacher on an episode of The Twilight Zone that never aired. All questions should end with a question mark. (?)

6. Ok, what can you tell me about Ione Skye?
Well, her and Daphne Zuniga are both lesbians, at least that's the reason they both gave me when I asked them to have sex with me, and there's a rumor that they made a sex tape together and it is circulating around all the places where lesbians hang out and watch sex tapes, and I'm pretty sure that it's true, because I started the rumor, and do you think it's ok that I watch the L Word, not that I do, and if I did it would only be because I heard another rumor, another rumor that I started, that Daphne Zuniga and Ione Skye were going to do a sex scene with the cute lesbian, the cute lesbian that didn't have a mustache.

7. Anything else you'd like to mention?
I took a bath with my sister Joan this one time when I was six, and we were both naked, and did you know that guys and girls are different, you know, down there, and Joan and I made a promise never to tell anyone about what we did in the tub while we were naked.

8. You sang show tunes, didn't you?
The bitch told you, didn't she!!!

9. What question is this?
It's number 9, and I know it's number 9 because I am a number 9, you know, down there.

10. That's not what Daphne, Ione, and Joan said.
THAT'S NOT A QUESTION, THAT'S NOT A QUESTION, THAT'S NOT A QUESTION, AND THE BITCHES LIE, ALL BITCHES LIE, GO ASK WIL WHEATON, HE'LL TELL YOU I'M A NUMBER 9 DOWN THERE!!!

An open letter to my son ... Cow Boris

Son, I know you hate me because of your name, but it was your mother's idea, and yes, I should have stood up to her that one time, but you have to remember that she was ex-roller derby, and she was hard to disagree with once she got her jam on.
Trust me son, if I would've had my way, if your mother and I would have given you the name I had picked out, you'd be able to walk down any street in this fine country of ours with your head held high (as high as possible given it's SLIGHTLY larger than average size) as people would stop and point and say ...
Look, there goes Cow Bullwinkle, his father is really cool and bitchin'.

I could have sworn there were 32 days in January this year.

It's friday morning, real early friday morning, real early for me anyway, and I'm sort of half awake, waiting for for the garage door repairman, the same garage door repairman that was here two days ago to repair the same garage door that he is going to re-repair today,and I'm not making much sense, mostly because I have a stomach ache from eating too much candy while watching a Scottish movie about women in wedding dresses who murder their husbands, or intended husbands, and the bad part is I turned the movie off half way through, but I kept eating the candy, eating, and eating, and eating, and eating, and if I keep typing "and eating" I think I might hurl, and not just a little bit, and not just in my hands.

And finally ...
I just woke up from a dream where we were at war with Korea, not North, or South, just Korea, and I was fighting in the war, and I was number two in line from my position, and when I opened fire my rifle turned out to be a squirt gun, a super soaker squirt gun, and even though it didn't do much good it really pissed the Koreans off, and I spent the rest of the dream trying to find out why my rifle had turned into a squirt gun, that and eating candy while watching a movie about Korean brides murdering their husbands, or intended husbands, with squirt guns.

And one more thing ...
Did I mention that it is snowing like a MoFo?

My life isn't falling apart, but my house is.

Why do all the chicks dig John Cusack?
I mean he's never even been in an ice skating movie.

Sing sing sing then give it a rest and sing some more

It's three in the morning.
It's 10 degrees out.
I'm listening to the fourth of my four mp3 players.
The mp3 player is playing a song from some whiny chick that I'll probably delete one of these days.

We have company this week.
It's my sister and her husband.
They aren't staying here.
They are staying at the Days Inn.
They have a microwave and fridge in their room, and there is a continental breakfast and complimentary newspapers in the morning.

I have to be nice to my brother in law this visit.
He replaced a circuit breaker and installed a new light fixture in the kitchen.
No, this isn't the brother in law who is an electrician who whenever he calls asks if the house needs any repairs, because I am right brained not left brained, and I tell him yes, and he says he'll come up and take care of them, but he's said he'll be coming up to take care of them for six years, and he hasn't made it up here yet.
No it isn't the brother in law who is an electrician, it's the other brother in law, the one who gets on every ones nerves, so I guess I'll have to put up with him getting on my nerves, but I did give some gum, so maybe not.

July you're a woman

I think I've lost my way.
And I bought another hat today, but I didn't buy another mp3 player, and did I tell you that I had to return the refurbished mp3 I bought, the first refurbished one I bought, because I bought another one, another refurbished one, I dunno, sometime last week, early in the morning, when my mind was weak and impressionable, and I think that might be the problem, that and HAM!!!
It's three thirty, I'm going to bed, and I'll be sleeping under three covers tonight, because it's another cold one, and I think I'd better go out to the shed and see if MB is warm enough, and that she has enough drinking water.
WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I keed, I keed.
So, yeah, goodnight, and if you hear something under your bed tonight it's probably me.

It's zero degrees right now and I just ate ice cream

I wasted today, totally wasted it.

I slept almost as long as I said I was going to sleep in the post where I said I was going to sleep till 2 in the afternoon.

I didn't make my bed.

I wasted a lot of time playing online generic Scrabbble (Scrabulous) against a robot, but I won most of the games, but my victories were tempered by the fact that I used HINTS, which makes me feel such shame, but the robot is all HINTS, so I guess I don't feel as much shame as I usually feel when I feel shame, I guess.

I watched Hostel 2 tonight, and it was really bad, but I did notice that Bijou Phillips was in it, and for those of you who didn't know Bijou is the youngest of the three Phillips' half sisters fathered by former Mamas and the Papas leader John Phillips, or is it Philips, but who cares, anyway the three Phillips' half sisters are, and should Phillips be possessive in this case, I'll pretend that it is and continue to refer to them as the three Phillip's half sisters, and the three Phillips' half sisters are ...
1. Mackenzie Phillips from John Phillips first marriage, you know, the one who wasn't Valerie Bertinelli on One Day at a Time.
2. Chyna Phillips from John Phillips marriage to former Mamas and the Papas female singer that didn't choke to death on a HAM SANDWICH, Michelle Phillips, not to be confused with China Kantner who is the daughter of former Jefferson Airplane members Paul Kantner and Grace Slick, and was in one very funny movie about dopers back in the 70's, that was made in the 80's or maybe 90's,(AIRHEADS!!!) and yeah, Chyna Phillips was in Wilson Phillips, the group that had the two ugly daughters of Beachboy founder Brian Wilson, the guy who had a sandbox in his living room, and didn't get out of bed for 12 years back in the 70's, and yeah, the 70's were the only decade that actually and truly had twelve years instead of ten years, and you can look it up if you don't believe me.
And finally ...
3. Bijou Phillips from John Phillips third marriage to actress Genievive Waite, and I'm not sure of the spelling of Genievive, so ... ok, I'm so anal that I looked it up and it's Genevieve, and I wasn't very far off, and here is something interesting ... John Phillips and Genevieve Waite were such hardcore drug users at the time that Michelle Phillips, yeah, the second wife, and mother of Chyna, tried to get custody of Bijou Phillips, but I don't know is she got custody, but who cares, and every third character I type is a mistake so fuck it.
So yeah, Hostel 2 sucked.
End of post.

100% Dylan Approved

I'm really tired, but it is really bright out, so I think I'll close the curtains and sleep fitfully till two in the afternoon ... just kidding, hahahahaha, what kind of lazy ass would sleep till two in the afternoon (averting my eyes and looking around shiftfully, and is shiftfully another one of those words that I just sort of made up to describe what I am doing when I can't think of a real word to describe what I am doing.)
Goodnight Ozzie.
Goodnight Harriet.
Goodnight David.
Goodnight Ricky.
And goodnight John Ritter wherever ye may be. (yeah, ye)

I had pizza tonight

It's Friday night and I am taking a break from watching the movie Zodiac.
I was 18 or 19 when the Zodiac killings started, but I really don't remember much about them because I had just enlisted in the air force, and I hardly ever watched television, read the newspapers, or listened to the radio, and really, when you are in the service you are in a very insulated environment where if something doesn't effect you directly it doesn't effect you at all.

I hit my head on the range hood the other day, and I still feel kind of groggy.
That might explain why I bought my fourth mp3 player yesterday, and seriously ... WHY DO KEEP BUYING MP3 PLAYERS, and that's not a rhetorical question.

I guess that's it. I'm going to go back to the movie now, and how come whenever Jake Gyllnehalwhatshisname comes on screen I get a gay vibe ... oh, yeah, Brokeback Mountain, and yeah but, I like his sister Maggie better, and you know I watched Clerks 2 the other night, it only took me about four tries to finally finish it, and then I watched Big Nothing with the guy from Friends, and the guy from Shaun of the Dead, and a few other people that I didn't know, and it wasn't bad, well, it was better than Clerks 2, and I saw another movie, a Japanese movie, that was in the whole Saw, Hostel, let's kill teenagers genre, but this was better than either Saw or Hostel because they killed a shitload more teenagers and the killings were government sponsored, and now my eyes are starting to water, so I'm done with Boz's Moviez Reviewz.

What I do at five in the morning when I can't sleep

I answer spam email ...

FOR YOUR COMPENSATION
DEAR FRIEND,
I DIDN’T FORGOT YOUR PAST EFFORT BY TRYING TO HELP ME, NOW I WANT TO TELL YOU THAT I HAVE SUCCEEDED IN GETTING THOSE FUNDS TRANSFERRED UNDER THE COOPERATION OF A NEW PARTNER FROM CHILE. CONTACT MY SECRETARY IN COTONOU DE FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF BENIN BECAUSE I HAVE LEFT THE WHOLE INSTRUCTION TO HER ON YOUR BEHALF AND INSTRUCT HER WHERE TO SEND THE $800.000.00 WITH OUT ANY FURTHER DELAY FOR YOUR COMPENSATION.
HER NAME IS MISS M. Eze
EMAIL:john_best56@yahoo.fr
PHONE: 229-9369010.
NB: NOTE: BELLOW IS THE REQUIRED INFORMATIONS YOU WILL SEND TO MY SECRETARY.
(1) YOUR FULL NAMES
(2) YOUR HOUSE ADDRESS
(3) YOUR DIRECT CELPHONE NUMBER AND HOUSE PHONE WITH FAX IF ANY.
IN THIS MOMENT, I'M VERY BUSY HERE IN CHILE BECAUSE OF THE INVESTMENT PROJECTS, WHICH THE NEW PARTNER AND I ARE HAVING AT HAND.
REGARDS
MR. best williams

MY REPLY

My friend Mr Best.
I indeed did think you forgot about my past effort in helping you, and
indeed I think $800.005.62 should just about cover it, and yes I added
an extra $5.62 for interest.
OOPS, I GUESS I SHOULD TYPE IN UPPER CASE TOO.
HERE IS THE INFORMATION YOU REQUESTED FROM ME FOR TO SEND TO YOUR SECRETARY.
MY FULL NAMES: BEN DOVER
MY HOUSE ADDRESS: 666 GRAND ENNUI AVENUE, BUZZNET OHIOWA
MY DIRECT CELPHONE NUMBER AND HOUSE PHONE WITH FAX IF ANY: 867-5309
ASK FOR JENNY
HERE IS HOPING I HERE FROM YOU SOON.
PS COULD YOU SEND CASH? TENS AND TWENTIES IF POSSIBLE
PPS WHAT'S YOUR SECRETARY'S NAME? I AM GOING TO PRETEND HER NAME IS
MYRNA. IS SHE HOT? DO YOU THINK SHE WOULD GO ON A DATE WITH ME? MYRNA
IS A PRETTY NAME, ISN'T IT? I BET SHE IS A TYPICAL MYRNA TOO, YOU
KNOW, KIND OF FLIGHTY AND KOOKY, BUT YOU CAN COUNT ON HER WHEN THE
CHIPS ARE DOWN. GOD, MYRNA SOUNDS HAWT!!!
YOURS TRULY
BEN DOVER

It's me boz, and it's good to be back.

I'm back, and my hands smell like bleach, and it's almost three in the morning, and if you promise not to laugh I'll tell you a few secrets about myself.
I don't know how to swim, or drive a stick shift, or blow my nose, or use a blow torch.

Eep eep eep and other things that crack me up

Five Things That I Think Are Funny by KILLERZZZOMG48730
1. Poop eating dogs, I mean c'mon, it's poop, and they're eating it!!!
2. That funny little eep eep eep noise that boz makes when he's asleep.
3. Fat people trying to tie their shoelaces.
4. ALF bloopers.


That show still cracks me up.

5. The look on boz's face when he realizes that he has put on his underpants inside out and backwards.

Filling in for boz will be ...

Hello, I am the imaginary cat that boz refers to as Mr. Feeny, but Mr. Feeny is my slave name, and I would prefer to be known as KILLERZZZOMG48730.
Anyway, boz tweaked his back and he won't be posting for awhile, and he pleaded with me to fill in for him.
If you have any questions, or requests just leave me a comment or drop me an email at KILLERZZZOMG48730@gmail.com, and I will get back to you.
Yours truly
KILLERZZZOMG48730

He's Mr. Feeny, Feeny, Feeny, my lovable, but imaginary cat.

Mr. Feeny hasn't been the same since he got back from court ordered obedience training.

Bottled water ... oh BOTTLED water, that's different.

I've already sneezed 23 times today and it's only 7:30 in the morning, this could be a record breaking day.

Mr. Feeny kicking the snot out of Danny Tanner, a dog that I unsuccessfully foster dog sat for back before Mr. Feeny was diagnosed as having a personality disorder.



Many imaginary people have asked me how I found pictures of Mr. Feeny my imaginary cat.
It was easy, I just did an imaginary Google image search for Hitler cat.

Do real men have cats even if they are just imaginary ones?

Mr. Feeny is asleep next to my keyboard so I'll have to make this post quick.



He's adorable, isn't he.

Conversations only I can hear.

Boz, you haven't posted for awhile, how come?

My cat's been sick.

You don't have a cat ...

My IMAGINARY cat.

What's your imaginary cat's name?

Mr. Feeny.

What are you eating?

A shortbread cookie with caramel frosting.

What is the last thing that MB said to you?

Is this guy a woman?

Was he?

No, well, he had a beard, I mean he had a beard, but not the Friends of Dorothy kind of beard, he had a beard ... beard, and he's the host of one of the movie shows on TCM, not the obviously gay one, the subliminally gay one, not that there is anything wrong with being either one.

Gotta run, Mr. Feeny just puked in the imaginary koi pond.

Ten Thing Saturday

1. I think one of my new crowns is picking up a radio station out of Erie Pennsylvania.
2. I think I was going to make a post about ten things "I think" but I can't.
3. Have the bottom of your feet ever really hurt so bad that it was hard to walk?
4. I have so much stuff I am starting to buy triplicates of things that I don't even need duplicates of. (3 digital cameras, 3 mp3 players, 3 posture bars)
5. I just finished shoveling the driveway, sidewalk, and porch, and I am feeling some sort of adrenaline, or maybe it's an endomorphic rush, and I'm pretty sure that endomorphic is one of those words I just sort of make up when I can't think of an actual word to describe what I am trying to express.
6. I just took a good look around my bedroom and it is about 10 degrees just this side of squalor, and about six degrees just this side of Kevin Bacon, who is not Eric Stolz, not even on his best day.
7. Kiss Me, by Sixpence None the Richer just came on my mp3 player, now if I could only find my father's map, and my mother's gun, and that book of stamps that I misplaced last April, I'd be all set.
8. I just spent five minutes halfheartedly trying to get a sticky cough drop wrapper off the fourth finger on my right hand.
9. If Burger King only sold ham I could live there, as long as they let me use the men's room whenever I wanted, and they had cable access, and if I didn't have to help, even if they were short on staff, and it would only be for a half hour, and even if they paid me.
10. If Bruce Willis never made another movie wouldn't the world be a better place? Discuss, and show your work.

This isn't a post, but had it been one, it would have went something like this ...

I can't get friendly with my keyboard.
My monitor is mocking me.
My mouse, the mouse I raised from a baby, has turned against me.
Is this really happening?
Are my fingers really typing?
Is spell check the Seymour Glass of of of of of of?
Do books burn?
Is fantasy like reality only opposite?
Is reality the same as fact?
Are facts a dime a dozen?
Will this be the year?
My ears are ringing.
My feet are humming.
My dick is shifting into second gear.
And my beard and mustache are still my beard and mustache.
And if see one more picture of a cat wielding a machine gun, I'll shake my fist at the heavens, and then I'll die, I'll just die.

A boz quiz

1. Who do you think deserves to be in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame that will never get there? Lonnie Donegan, the King of Skiffle for his influence on the artists of the British Invasion, such as The Beatles, Jimmy Page, Van Morrison, et al.


2. If you could have a torrid affair with any character on television who would it be? (The character, not the person who plays the character) Hmmm, either Nancy Botwin from Weeds on Showtime, or Maggie Jacobs from Extras on HBO.

3. In what year did your favorite Christmas occur? 1967, I was seventeen, a senior in high school, there was a lot of snow, and the only present I remember getting was the record album Blonde on Blonde by Bob Dylan, and I had the attic bedroom, which was huge, with a lot of secret nooks and crannies, and I distinctly remember the album Strange Days by the Doors, but I'm sure I didn't get it for Christmas, and I think I got it the same day we got our tree, the tree that fell out of the trunk of our car as we were driving home from the tree lot, and yeah, it's strange but that was a great Christmas.

4. If you had been born a member of the opposite sex and had the chance to pick your own first name what name would you pick. Darcie, Phoebe, or Molly.

5. Are you satisfied with your middle name? Yes, it's Vance and it's a perfect bridge from my first name to my last name.

6. What is your favorite second tier holiday? I've always liked Flag Day because it's two days after my birthday, and how cool would it be to be born on a second tier holiday?

7. What positive trait do you possess that makes you feel embarrassed when someone points it out to you? Oh, that I am a good son, I mean, I might be, but still, it's kind of wimpy, and it sounds pretty noble, and believe me, in no way am I noble, I'm just doing what needs to be done.

8. What song do you want them to play at your funeral? Passionate Kisses by Lucinda Williams, wait, wait, wait, wait ... I Kissed a Girl by Jill Sobule.

9. Who is your opposite sex crush? Tony Shalhoub from the tv series Monk.

10. What possession of yours can you see from where you are sitting that you think someone else would consider odd? My Hulk Benet Ramsey Action Figure, it's not a doll ... it's an action figure. It's a bobble head Hulk ink pen with the Hulk head replaced with a Barbie doll head.



Consider yourself tagged, but only if you really want to be.

1212121212121212

Ok, so here's the deal. I've been having a lot of trouble with my hair latley. It's like it has a life of it's own, and how is it possible in a span of nine words to use the word it or it's three times ...
But yeah, my hair has a become a problem, ok, so I bought some spikey hair gel kind of goop today, and it's called LA Looks Absolute Styling, and it promises mega hold, and it professes to be a radical control styling gel, and I tried it earlier tonight, and this is what it looks like.



And it looks pretty good, and I do feel radical, and mega, and absolute, but not necessarily in that order, and what do you think, am I spike material?

The wrath of MB

Ok, so I think I've finished all my xmas shopping, and it's all been for stuff for MB, except for the stuff I bought for myself, because if I don't buy any presents for myself I won't get any presents for under the tree, and yeah, of course I'll know what I got, but MB won't know what I got, so, as long as one of us is surprised I guess that's all you can ask for, and I was going to run down the list of what I got for MB, but my sinus is acting up, so, I've been taking Nyquil and nose drops, and some kind of pill, and unless I go get the bags that I have all of MB's stuff in ...
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhchoooooo,
And that was about the 126th sneezed that I've unleashed on the ozone since about 7 PM Monday night ...
So, unless I go get the gabs (bags spelled inside out) there is no way that I can tell you what I got her ... because the meds have made me brainless when it comes to memory, but I do remember that I bought her four pairs of sweat pants, which she loves, and a scarf, and some kind of body spray, and some beef jerky, no, the beef jerkey is for me, and forget the second e in jerkey, because it doesn't exist.
And I was going to tell you about my cousin's son who has two kids born a month and a half apart, one by his wife, and one by his wife's best friend, who he was living with when my cousin's son's wife and my cousin's son split up for about six months, and the kid by the best friend is the older of the two kids, and don't ask me to explain it, because of the meds ...
And yeah, they're all good friends, and yeah, it sounds trailer parkesque, and it might be, but I don't know, but I do know that MB isn't pleased with it, because she told me not to send THAT BOY a xmas card.



And I'm seriously thinking about going to bed, and I probably would if I could only remember where my bed is.

I've never been to Belgium but it feels like I have.

Ok, things are getting weird.
Thursday seemed like Friday.
Friday seemed like Friday.
And today seems like Friday.
I think it might be because I broke my toe and I'm hallucinating, or in shock, or brain dead.

Anyway, my sister and her husband are flying up for a visit at the end of January. I just hope they don't get here on a FRIDAY!!!

I'm going back to bed now.

Did I mention that I just had a doughnut and a bottle of water?

A Xmas Without Boz

A Lifetime Xmas movie special.



Featuring Tracy Gold as the young anorexic ex-con widow in her quest for the true meaning of Xmas.

A VMoD Xmas

Ten things you probably already knew except for the ones that I made up just for this.

1. Has anyone ever tried to run you over in a car? Yes, twice.

2. Have you ever been tied up? HUH ... oh, yes, once, I was in a bank that was getting robbed and they tied everyone up and stuck guns in our faces and threatened to kill us, but they didn't, and then I got interviewed by the FBI, but I don't think they ever caught the guys.

3. What are you listening to right now ... NOW? ZZTop's Greatest Hits, Sharp Dressed Man.

4. Have you ever had a switchblade knife pressed against your throat? Yes, but it was by my best friend, and he was high so I didn't hold it against him, but I was a little concerned that he might hiccup or something and accidentally slice me from ear to ear.

5. Have you ever been in jail? No, but I keep having dreams that I'm an ex-con.

6. Has anything out of the ordinary ever happened on your birthday? Yes, I stepped on a rusty nail and had to get a tetanus shot on my sixth birthday, my grandmother died on my seventh birthday, a former football player murdered his ex-wife and another guy on my 47th birthday, and I had to put my father in a nursing home on my 50th birthday.

7. Have you ever been in a house fire, a hurricane, or a plane crash? Yes, yes, almost.

8. Have you ever been hit in the head with a croquet ball? Yes, I guess I was about six or seven years old and some friends were playing croquet in the back yard, and I was fascinated by the path of the ball, so I leaned over an put my head on the ground and watched as the ball rolled up and BAM hit me right in the forehead.

9. Have you ever broken a bone? No, but I had sex with a girl with a broken leg.

10. What's the weather like outside? Snow and drizzle, there's a weather advisory out, but it's a pretty lame one that calls for light snow and drizzle, and I remember when they only had weather advisories if they were expecting a blizzard or the Apocalypse, go figure, and I blame the MTV and music videos.

Sunday night with my eyes half closed.

It's a little after seven on Sunday night.
I'm watching the hockey game there is about ten minutes left.
I'm wearing a pair of black jeans and a white t-shirt.
I just did an inner burp.
We still lead the hockey game 3-2.
I just took a web cam pic of one of the hand carved Santa's that I have.
Here it is.



I guess it's more a Father Christmas than a Santa, because, WTF kind of Santa wears a long green robe.

We still lead the hockey game.
I want to watch Dexter at nine tonight.
We won the hockey game.
Did I say I'm tired?
And that I want to watch Dexter.
And that I want some peppermint ice cream.
And some Pomegranate 7-Up.
And some Ruby Red Squirt.
And some popcorn.
And do you have any cake?
Or maybe a nice marzipan?
Or some bullets.
Or a kite, the kind that you don't have to run with to make it fly.
I guess that's it, unless you want to ask what I want for xmas, and maybe I'd like a garden gnome, but you'll never know unless you ask.

I fell in a mud puddle, ok ... OK!!!

And then it snowed

I found a sample bottle of Johnson's baby shampoo that I think I got when I was in the hospital last year.



I'm starting to see why the neighbor from two houses down used to call me "Whitey" when I was little.

Currently listening to:
Daddy's Gone by Toots and the Maytels

TSOAUSS Part 3

There was a dog across the street sniffing through an empty fast food take-out bag. When I rolled down the back seat window to get a better look at him the dog got spooked and ran away down the side of the road in the opposite direction from where our car was pointed.

TSOAUSS Part 2

Rob liked to tell the story about how we met when we were chained together while a group of us campus radicals occupied the ROTC building our first year of college. It's a good story, but there wasn't an ounce of truth to it. Bob and I actually met while watching The Price Is Right in the lounge of the freshman dorm when both of us were cutting class. I was cutting Biology, while Bob was cutting some kind of rinky-dink Badminton class that he needed to fulfill his Phys Ed requirement.
Teri was Bob's wife, and quite simply, the most beautiful woman in the world.

The start of another unfinishable short story.

I waited in the car as Bob and Teri ran into the store.
My leg had been throbbing since the incident at the beach earlier in the day, and we all thought it best that I let them pick up the few things we needed for later tonight, while I relaxed in the back seat waiting for the two percocet, that Teri had fished out of her purse for me forty five minutes ago, to take effect.

Storm fever

The storm has started.
It's snowing pretty heavy.
My keyboard is lagging.
I wonder what causes that.
Never mind.
We've had about 2 or 3 inches so far.
It's hard to tell how much because it's dark.
Maybe I should stick my head, and camera, outside and take a picture.
I think I will when I'm done with this.
I've made three emergency supply runs in the last three days.
You know ...
Diet soda (coke)
Toilet paper
More diet soda (ruby red squirt)
Ice cream
Bread
Crackers, saltine, oyster, snack, and cheddar
More diet soda (vernor's ginger ale)
Depends
Cool Whip
Cherry flavored mylanta
Hot dogs and buns
Soft pretzels
Microwave popcorn
No ham
What???
No ham
Oh!!!
Lunch meat
You said no ham!
It wasn't ham
Well the ...
Ok, it was bologna
That's worse than ham
I like it
But ...
But nothing ...
But ...
Shut the fuck up
FINE!!!
I guess that's it except for
Batteries???
Yeah, batteries
And ...
STEAK FRIES ... OK, I GOT STEAK FRIES TOO, AND I'LL PROBABLY HAVE STEAK FRIES WITH BOLOGNA SANDWICHES WITH PEANUT BUTTER SPREAD ALL OVER THEM, AND I'LL GARGLE WITH HOT DOGS AND FLOSS WITH FRIED EGGS, DOZENS AND DOZENS OF FRIED EGGS ...

I'm going to go listen to my Zune now, which with the new software is a pain in the arse region.

I'm going to go take a picture of the snow, and that'll do it.

Snow

Quick, boil water!

It's snowing
And I've got heartburn
And I just woke up
And I'm wearing funny looking socks
And a black v-neck t-shirt that I found stuffed down way in the back of my t-shirt drawer
And I think the snow just stopped
And I think we got about an inch
And I still haven't had the leaves raked
And we have a winter storm watch for Saturday night and Sunday morning
And we could get six to ten inches of snow, and sleet, and slush, and rain, and freezing rain, and other stuff that falls from the sky all mixed in together
And I won this yesterday for my Zune



And it's a carrying case
And it's made out of leather
And it's Italian leather, none of that cheap Romanian leather
And it's Sienna Red, but I had my choice of Phantom Black, Alpine White, Sienna Red, Peony Pink and Mocha Brown.
And Peony Pink was never an option with me
And yeah, the snow stopped
And the city snow plows are plowing away
And I can hear their back up beep beep beeps
And my left heel really hurts
And my brain just froze.

Music makes the world go round, that and gravity, or the tides, or something

Songs playing on my Zune, right now, as I type, and listen, through headsets and everything.

1. I Might Like You Better If We Slept Together - Romeo Void-d-d-d-d-d, and it's true, I might.



Me, doing the Romeo Void.

2. Pale Blue Eyes - The Velvet Underground, and I have blue eyes, but I don't think they're pale, check the pic below and tell me what you think. Ok, sometimes my eyes are blue, and sometimes they are grey, and sometimes they're almost green, and sometimes they're a combination of all of the above, but just sometimes, and they could be pale blue after all.

See...



3. Windy - The Association, I used to have a major crush on a girl named Windy, wait, her name was Jill, and I wonder what made me think that?

4. Morning Girl - The Neon Philharmonic, some song from 1969 that I remember hearing on the way back from the airport when I was coming home on leave, and it was like six in the morning, and my dad was driving, and we picked up a hitchhiker who was in either the army or the navy and we gave him a ride all the way home.

5. Johnny Be Fair - Buffy Sainte-Marie, Buffy-Sainte Marie ... sighhhhhhhhhhhhh. I used to write poems about her when I was seventeen, but actually eighteen, but it doesn't sound so pathetic if I say seventeen, or does it?

6. Stuck Inside of Mobile With the Memphis Blues Again - Bob Dylan, that's an awfully long title, and there you go with that word BLUE again ... again!!! My dream when I was seventeen, or eighteen, or backwards to sixteen, was to have sex with all the woman that Bob Dylan turned down. This is a long song, so I'm just sitting and waiting till it ends so I can do the next song, in case you wondered or anything, a minute and a half to go. Hmmm, five of the six songs so far are from the 60's, but then again so am I, so I guess that makes sense. Ok, the song's starting to end now ... NOW!!!

7. No Regrets - The Walker Brothers, and this is a terrible version of a great song that was mostly sung by Tom Rush, no, not that Tom Rush, the other Tom Rush, yeah, THAT Tom Rush, and from now on if I type a word in all caps that means I'm adding EMPHASIS to it, either that or the caps lock is stuck.

Me, impatiently waiting for No Regrets to end



8. Words of Love - The Mamas and the Papas, and no, I didn't give her the ham sandwich ... did I say HAM SANDWICH???

Me, enjoying my HAM SANDWICH joke



9. Wear Your Love Like Heaven - Donovan, I spent too much time on the ham sandwich pic and now this song is over, so you don't have to listen to my Donovan stories.

10. 88 Lines About 44 Women - The Nails, if I had 88 lines about 44 women do you think I'd be here, of course not, I'd be in China, or France, or Spain, or some nameless VA hospital in one of the southern states that's not Florida.

Me, wishing I had 88 lines about 44 women

It really isn't.

One of my many, many, many online friends sent me this.



It's too fucking cold out.
When I got up this morning it was 10 degrees.
It's now about 25 degrees.
It was so cold I had trouble starting my car this morning, and it was in a heated garage.
It was so cold I had trouble taking the gas cap off my car to fill it up.
It was so cold that when I skinned my finger trying to get my gas cap off it didn't bleed.
It was so cold I kept dropping my credit card.
It was so cold that I've got chapped lips, and I never get chapped lips, but I did today, so I bought some carmax, is that what it's called, you know the stuff for chapped lips that comes in a tin that a lot of people get addicted to, and seriously, I don't know how you'd get addicted to it, it tastes like caramel wax, and I just checked and it's carmex not carmax, and I guess that's about all the how cold is it's that I have.

Slurpppppppppppppppp

I was going to write something, but maybe I'll just watch tv instead, or go to bed instead, or maybe just surf the internets a little bit more, and did you notice how I called it the internets like all the hipsters do when they are making fun of that guy, you know, that guy, anyway, I've lost my train of thought, and did I tell you I did a lot of straightening up around the house today, folding clothes, and hanging up clothes, and finding clothes that MB had stashed all over the house like a squirrel or a chipmunk would do, and should I mention that I found about fifty bras, I mean, they were all over the place, I even found two sports bras, and why in the world would an 86 year old woman have two sports bras, or one sports bra, and no, none of the bras were mine, strike that, I mean, why would I have a bra, so yeah, that was just a typo, oh and when I first found the two sports bras I thought they were some weird kind of underpants with stirrups or whatever, and if you have any sports bras go get one of them out and tell me that they don't look like some weird kind of underpants, but yeah, maybe I'll watch The Big Lebowski again, or some other movie about bowling, or weird underpants.

The symptoms that prove I am sick

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good, or as good as you can feel at six in the morning, but after I ate breakfast I started feeling all sinusy, so to be on the safe side I took a couple of benadryl and went back to bed and fell right to sleep, right to motherfucking sleep, where I stayed except for a couple get out of beds to do some stuff, until three in the afternoon, and if my math is correct that comes out to about seven hours ... SEVEN HOURS, no it can't be, let me see, seven would be one hour, eight would be two hours, nine would be three hours, ten would be four hours ... wait, it wasn't seven hours it was nine hours ... NINE FutherMucking hours.
Anyway ... wow, nine hours, that's a lot of hours.
Anyway, I finally got up and washed and got dressed.
Then I checked my over the counter medicine drawer to see what kind of over the counter medicines I had to combat this evil ... I said EVIL sinus attack, and I found all sorts of good stuff, enough so where I didn't have to make a "boz is out of his mind with sinus medication withdrawal so he has to make an emergency run for sinus medication" run.
Where was I?
Oh, the symptoms that prove I am sick
1. Light headedness.
2. Aches.
3. Pains.
4. Paranoia.
5. Stuffed up nose.
6. Runny nose.
7. Crooked nose.
8. Hallucinations.
9. Draining sinus.
10. Sore throat.
11. Paranoia.
12. Paranoia.
13. Repeating myself-itis.
14. Ringing in my ears.
15. Ringing in your ears.
16. Headache.
17. Earache.
18. Back ache.
19. Weezie withdrawal. (The relatively rare affliction caused by not getting enough re-runs of The Jefferson's).
20. Forgetfulness.
21. Coughing.
22. Blushing.
23. Bluffing.
24. Flushing.
25. Rushing into situations half-cocked.
26. Stuttering.
27. Inertia.
28. Paranoia.
29. Did I mention paranoia?
30. And finally WTF-itis.

Some of the stuff I do at 2:30 in the morning

I have a serious hard-on for my new webcam.

Never use toothpicks to pry your eyes open unless you are out of crazy glue.

I am in a trance right now.
I didn't fall asleep till nine this morning, and even after I fell asleep I kept waking up, and I feel old, and I feel grumpy, and I feel like my future isn't so bright that I've gotta wear shades, and I've gotta go to the credit union and transfer an enormous amount of money into my checking account so I can pay an enormous credit card bill, and I gotta go and buy a book that I won't read but I gotta buy it anyway so I can impress people with how literate I am, and don't worry it will be a used book and will only cost a dime or maybe two dimes if I find two books worth trying to impress people with, and I gotta go to the supermarket and order our thanksgiving dinner because next week is thanksgiving and we have to have dinner don't we, and I gotta buy pudding lots and lots of pudding because MB likes pudding lots and lots of pudding, and my grammar train of thought is all fucked up, but that's because I'm in a trance, mostly.

I never had much sympathy for zombies until I became one.

I just woke up about a half hour ago from a nyquil induced coma, hence the zombie reference in the title.
I just thought you might want to know.

I keep telling myself that today is Thursday, but myself keeps telling me that it seems more like Monday.

People often ask me what it feels like to be the sanest blogger in the world. I, of course, am flattered, but I don't know what to tell them.

No news

So, about ten minutes ago I looked at the clock and it was 11:15 pm, and now it's 1:15 am, and I'm wondering how that happened.

If it's Tuesday it must be Tuesday

I'm waiting for the new chair I bought to be delivered.
It's supposed to get here between noon and two.
The bird that mocks me is in the room with me because I don't want her to catch cold when I open the front door to let the furniture guys in.
She is kind of spooked.



Maybe I should turn some music on.
The bird that mocks me likes music.
That's better.
The bird that mocks me seems to like Moby Grape.

It's good to be boz

I'm fighting a losing battle over getting my ass to the gym this morning, fuck it, it's almost afternoon, what should I do?

I just woke up from a dream where there were two naked girls in their early twenties, naked except for their panties, and they were in an alley, and I could only see them from behind, and they both had nice asses, and they were talking as they were walking, and one of them said, I think it was the brunette, and the brunette said something about applying for jobs at the new bakery, or maybe she said NUDE bakery, and that would explain everything except the part about the alley, oh, and the other girl was blond.

Let's dance, or some other song by David Bowie that doesn't involve dancing, or China Girls, or dancing China Girls.

Hi, I'm awake.
Been that way since five this morning.
Had a sandwich, and a diet coke, and a snack size Mounds bar, surfed some tv, and watched five minutes of a really bad movie with Cicely Tyson and Louise Fletcher, got online, checked out some sites I'm involved in, and read an article about good directors and the really bad movies they have made, and now I am going back to bed, and I really need to go to the gym today, because I haven't been since maybe Friday or Saturday, and it makes me feel such shame, but now I am really going back to bed, ok, I've got to check one more site, and then for sure I'm going back to bed, yeah, it's the site where I pretend I'm a velcro monkey ... of doom.

It's nothing, it really is, or isn't, ok, now I'm confused.

I fell in love a little bit today.
With a girl not quite a woman.
It was her hair.
Blond with dark roots pulled back in a ponytail.
With a girl not quite a woman ...
What the fuck?
See, here's the deal.
I was sitting in the Burger King in Standish today, and there was this chick working there, I think she was a manager trainee, and she had this dyed blond hair that just jumped out at me ...
I mean her hair was really amazing. It was obviously dyed some kind of blond, it looked kind of champagne colored to me, and her roots were showing, and here's the amazing thing, it looked like her roots were dyed too, some kind of shade of zombie black, and yeah, I know it sounds hideous, but it was the most amazing color combination I have ever seen ...
And that's it.
I thought I had a post.
But I don't.
It was just her hair.
That's all it was.
Her hair.
And I can't even think of a way to bring it up that she looked just like Paris Hilton.
But it was just her hair.
Seriously.

My fellow Americans

I had a dream about Lyndon Johnson last night.
He was at his ranch in Texas, laughing manically while barbecuing the brains of John F. Kennedy, and serving them to the Mafia, the FBI, the CIA, and Fidel Castro, as Jackie looked on in tears from the grassy knoll.