Sunday, December 31, 2006
A big whewwwwwwwwwwwwww
I dreamed last night that I was 19 or 20, and I was in the army, and I had been convicted as part of a conspiracy to frag a guy who nobody liked because he was too gung-ho, and the judge felt sorry for me, and I thought he was going to let me off, but he started to give me a five year sentence, but before he could finish what he was saying I started crying, and pleading for mercy, and then I woke up, and let out a big whewwwwwwww, and said to myself that thank god it was only a dream, and then I fell right back to sleep, and the dream picked up where it had left off, and I was trying to explain to the judge why I did what I did, and then I woke up again, and let out another big whewwwwwwwwww, and then I fell back to sleep, and yeah, this went on most of the night.
Is this a conundrum?
I just had an energy drink about a half hour ago, and now I can barely keep my eyes open.
Also, it may have been the worst tasting energy drink I've ever had.
Also, it may have been the worst tasting energy drink I've ever had.
Resolutions
1. Save the world.
2. Never go three days without shaving.
3. Become a more responsible blogger.
4. Eat a lot of peaches.
5. Try to find Jesus on my own.
6. Get a tattoo of a naked lady on my left shoulder blade.
7. Become totally enamored of a singer or group that I have never heard of.
8. See all the Rocky movies in sequence in one sitting.
9. Write a novel about the time me and Neal Cassady bummed our way across country.
10. Rock the Casbah.
2. Never go three days without shaving.
3. Become a more responsible blogger.
4. Eat a lot of peaches.
5. Try to find Jesus on my own.
6. Get a tattoo of a naked lady on my left shoulder blade.
7. Become totally enamored of a singer or group that I have never heard of.
8. See all the Rocky movies in sequence in one sitting.
9. Write a novel about the time me and Neal Cassady bummed our way across country.
10. Rock the Casbah.
Friday, December 29, 2006
The Time of the Ancient Mariner
The nice little faux Asian box I just bought to ...
Keep my watches in!
Keep my watches in!
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Rimshot ...
There will be five days of mourning for Gerald Ford.
That's almost as long as his presidency ... rimshot!!!
But seriously, it's pretty bad when the best thing you can say about a former president is that he had integrity, and what's even worse is that he's one of the few former presidents that actually had it.
That's almost as long as his presidency ... rimshot!!!
But seriously, it's pretty bad when the best thing you can say about a former president is that he had integrity, and what's even worse is that he's one of the few former presidents that actually had it.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Assault on the battery
Instead of buying a new watch, ok, I did buy a new watch, but the battery was dead, and like yeah, I'm going to exchange a watch that I got from a store that sells watches that are so old that their battery's are dead, the hell I am, just give me a refund if you don't mind, thank you very much, so, I was going to buy a new watch after I exchanged the other new watch, then I remembered all the old watches, old watches that I really liked, that were, I don't know, hidden away in various junk drawers, in various parts of the house, and after a brief search, and then a longer search I found these two watches that with new batteries will be as good as new, or at least as good as new as the new watch I took back that had a dead battery, and around and around and around ...
So, for about seven bucks I get two new old watches that I really like, and if I like them so much how come I didn't just get new batteries when their old batteries went dead, and that's not a question I expect you to answer, or understand, I'm just floating it out there.
I've got it!!!
These watches must be cursed.
So, for about seven bucks I get two new old watches that I really like, and if I like them so much how come I didn't just get new batteries when their old batteries went dead, and that's not a question I expect you to answer, or understand, I'm just floating it out there.
I've got it!!!
These watches must be cursed.
Is it over yet?
I need a shave.
I need to quit eating so much.
I need to return my watch.
I need to tell you about the two free pizzas I got.
I need a hit cause I'm going down.
I need for my stomach to quit making funny noises, not funny ha-ha, but funny as in unusual, like ...
Gee, his stomach is making unusual noises.
I need spell check more than ever.
I need to stop the sympathetic twitching in conjunction with my ...
Conjunction junction what's my function???
I need something to use in place of italics, you know, like a better grasp of grammer.
I need to download a CD by Buffy Sainte Marie, or Saint Marie, or St. Marie, or Ste. Marie, or Joan Baez.
I need a new tattoo, yeah, on my left shouldre, shoulder.
I need to air the garage out after my niece leaves, because she smokes out there, Marlboro 100s in the box, but if they don't have the box the soft pack will do, and cigarette smoke makes me ill, which is weird, and stop me if you've heard this before, it's weird because I used to smoke two cartoo ... cartons of cigarettes a week, and it never made me ill, but now it does, and it doesn't make any sense to me either, and you used to be able to smoke everywhere, hell, you were EXPECTED to smoke everywhere, but now you can't.
That's all.
I need to quit eating so much.
I need to return my watch.
I need to tell you about the two free pizzas I got.
I need a hit cause I'm going down.
I need for my stomach to quit making funny noises, not funny ha-ha, but funny as in unusual, like ...
Gee, his stomach is making unusual noises.
I need spell check more than ever.
I need to stop the sympathetic twitching in conjunction with my ...
Conjunction junction what's my function???
I need something to use in place of italics, you know, like a better grasp of grammer.
I need to download a CD by Buffy Sainte Marie, or Saint Marie, or St. Marie, or Ste. Marie, or Joan Baez.
I need a new tattoo, yeah, on my left shouldre, shoulder.
I need to air the garage out after my niece leaves, because she smokes out there, Marlboro 100s in the box, but if they don't have the box the soft pack will do, and cigarette smoke makes me ill, which is weird, and stop me if you've heard this before, it's weird because I used to smoke two cartoo ... cartons of cigarettes a week, and it never made me ill, but now it does, and it doesn't make any sense to me either, and you used to be able to smoke everywhere, hell, you were EXPECTED to smoke everywhere, but now you can't.
That's all.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Your choice
What would you like to see?
1. The scar on my hip from my last surgery.
2. The dried flaking skin on my left pinkie finger.
3. An artistic photograph of my pubic hair.
4. A list of the urls of my favorite porn sites.
5. My collection of refrigerator magnets.
6. The swept up dust bunnies from under my bed.
7. The CDs that I am ashamed to admit that I own.
8. The contents of the storage bin that holds all the stuff that people have sent me that I don't have on display.
9. All my medications, both over the counter and prescribed.
10. My almost hairless underarms.
1. The scar on my hip from my last surgery.
2. The dried flaking skin on my left pinkie finger.
3. An artistic photograph of my pubic hair.
4. A list of the urls of my favorite porn sites.
5. My collection of refrigerator magnets.
6. The swept up dust bunnies from under my bed.
7. The CDs that I am ashamed to admit that I own.
8. The contents of the storage bin that holds all the stuff that people have sent me that I don't have on display.
9. All my medications, both over the counter and prescribed.
10. My almost hairless underarms.
A comment I heard in Staples today
Teenage girl to her father:
You don't know who Hello Kitty is? She's the cat with the big ass head.
You don't know who Hello Kitty is? She's the cat with the big ass head.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
If you give me weed, whites, and wine, and you show me a sign
I had a nice friendly Google Chat with my good friend ChampSuper* today.
That's all I got. I just wanted an excuse to post this pic.
ChampSuper* ... her tongue knows it's way around a bottle of beer.
That's all I got. I just wanted an excuse to post this pic.
ChampSuper* ... her tongue knows it's way around a bottle of beer.
Is that a monkey on your shoulder, or are you just glad to be me?
I am so tired I am starting to hallucinate.
There's a monkey on my shoulder, one of those little spider monkeys, and his name is Baboo.
Does Baboo want a banana???
Does he wuzzy wuzzy?
Baboo, you are my best friend, well, you and Miss Daisy.
Baboooooooooooo, oh sweet Baboooooooooooooooo.
Coooo coooo Ka-chooooooooooooooo.
C'mon Baboo, let's you and me go try out that new sex toy that came in the mail today.
Click ...
And as always, the part of Baboo was played by the ghost of Frank Sinatra.
There's a monkey on my shoulder, one of those little spider monkeys, and his name is Baboo.
Does Baboo want a banana???
Does he wuzzy wuzzy?
Baboo, you are my best friend, well, you and Miss Daisy.
Baboooooooooooo, oh sweet Baboooooooooooooooo.
Coooo coooo Ka-chooooooooooooooo.
C'mon Baboo, let's you and me go try out that new sex toy that came in the mail today.
Click ...
And as always, the part of Baboo was played by the ghost of Frank Sinatra.
What if ??? #5
We got a Christmas card yesterday from our daughter Candice and her life partner Martha. They'll be spending Christmas at some kind of conference/retreat/seminar called Women of the 21st Century somewhere in Colorado. Candice teaches at a community college, and Martha is a performance artist.
Look, I'm fine with Martha being a lesbian, but it was so much easier when I could refer to her girlfriend as her girlfriend instead of as her life partner.
Look, I'm fine with Martha being a lesbian, but it was so much easier when I could refer to her girlfriend as her girlfriend instead of as her life partner.
What if ??? #4
Juanita wanted to have sex last night. Just like that she sprung it on me. Right after the Local News at Ten on the Fox affiliate out of Flint/Saginaw/Bay City. Juanita, babe, sweetie, honey, I love you, but I'M NOT A MACHINE! I need time to work up to something like that. You know, a couple of those college girl pictorials from Playboy magazine, or an episode or two of The Red Shoes Diary.
Ok, we made love. I was the Marlboro Man, and Juanita was Emma Peel, and sometimes you have to be other people, but that's ok, because we both knew that we were really Juanita and Boz, and it was good, but since it's five thirty in the morning and I still haven't been to sleep I guess you can tell that it was good, ok, it wasn't the Tigers win in the bottom of the ninth on a two out three ball two strike grand slam home run by Boz good, but it was as good as catching a re-run of the Twilight Zone on the Sci-Fi Channel that you hadn't seen since you were a kid good, and I guess that's pretty much all you can ask for, isn't it?
Juanita baby, you are such a fox.
Ok, we made love. I was the Marlboro Man, and Juanita was Emma Peel, and sometimes you have to be other people, but that's ok, because we both knew that we were really Juanita and Boz, and it was good, but since it's five thirty in the morning and I still haven't been to sleep I guess you can tell that it was good, ok, it wasn't the Tigers win in the bottom of the ninth on a two out three ball two strike grand slam home run by Boz good, but it was as good as catching a re-run of the Twilight Zone on the Sci-Fi Channel that you hadn't seen since you were a kid good, and I guess that's pretty much all you can ask for, isn't it?
Juanita baby, you are such a fox.
Monday, December 18, 2006
What if ??? #3
I'm already dreading this visit from Juanita's parents.
Within five minutes of walking in the door Fran will start bragging about Juanita's first boyfriend Tyson, and how Tyson owns his own computer graphics company, and how Tyson has a home in the suburbs, and a home in the country, and a time share in Hawaii, and how Tyson got an invitation to one of the parties for President Bush's second inauguration, and yadda yadda, fucking yadda!!!
Tyson, what kind of name is that anyway?
Within five minutes of walking in the door Fran will start bragging about Juanita's first boyfriend Tyson, and how Tyson owns his own computer graphics company, and how Tyson has a home in the suburbs, and a home in the country, and a time share in Hawaii, and how Tyson got an invitation to one of the parties for President Bush's second inauguration, and yadda yadda, fucking yadda!!!
Tyson, what kind of name is that anyway?
Sunday morning on the bay
I got up real early yesterday, not on purpose, and I drove over to the bay, on purpose, and took this picture.
Click to enlarge, or make it bigger, it always works for me.
Click to enlarge, or make it bigger, it always works for me.
Into The Mystic
Ok, I'm leaving now. I'm going to do some xmas shopping, and some grocery shopping, and some drugstore shopping, and I'll be listening to Astral Weeks and Moondance by Van Morrison in the car, but I don't have any favorite pics of Van Morrison, because that would just be wrong.
I'll be stopping off for a pizza too. It's $4.99 for a large round one topper at Hungry Howie's today, oh, and did I tell you that the roof blew off the Pizza Hut about a month ago?
I'll be stopping off for a pizza too. It's $4.99 for a large round one topper at Hungry Howie's today, oh, and did I tell you that the roof blew off the Pizza Hut about a month ago?
One way or another
I just had a craving for a cigarette, and it's been like twenty years since I quit smoking, it must be because I'm hungry, and speaking about hungry, I've lost 17 pounds since I started my diet on the last Sunday in October, which was the day that daylight savings time ended, and maybe that had something to do with it, you know, the moon and the stars and the tide all being aligned, or something like that.
I was listening to my Blondie's Greatest Hits, or whatever it is they call that CD, in the car today, and that made me think of my favorite Deborah Harry pic.
My favorite Debbie Harry pic.
And I just found my second favorite Debbie Harry pic while searching for my first Debbie Harry pic.
My second favorite Debbie Harry pic.
I was listening to my Blondie's Greatest Hits, or whatever it is they call that CD, in the car today, and that made me think of my favorite Deborah Harry pic.
My favorite Debbie Harry pic.
And I just found my second favorite Debbie Harry pic while searching for my first Debbie Harry pic.
My second favorite Debbie Harry pic.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
What if ??? #2
Juanita's parents, Fran and Griff, are driving up for the holidays. I still don't think Griff has forgiven me for knocking Juanita up before we were married.
Some more of that stuff
What have I done today, or yesterday, because today is now tomorrow.
1. Drank a lot of water.
2. Drank a lot of caffeine free diet coke.
3. Ate chocolate.
4. Ate tuna fish.
5. Ate more chocolate.
6. Bought thermal underwear.
7. Bought a watch for myself for xmas using the gift card that my sister gave me, and I still have almost 70 dollars left on the gift card.
8. Bought some french bread and ground round for the spaghetti I am going to fix for dinner, but it's not really spaghetti, it's macaroni shells, but it's prepared with the same ingredients as spaghetti, except it's shells instead of spaghetti, huh.
9. Took some crappy pictures of the xmas lights downtown.
10. Did the happy dance because my not so fat pants actually fit pretty good.
Crappy picture I took of the xmas lights downtown
1. Drank a lot of water.
2. Drank a lot of caffeine free diet coke.
3. Ate chocolate.
4. Ate tuna fish.
5. Ate more chocolate.
6. Bought thermal underwear.
7. Bought a watch for myself for xmas using the gift card that my sister gave me, and I still have almost 70 dollars left on the gift card.
8. Bought some french bread and ground round for the spaghetti I am going to fix for dinner, but it's not really spaghetti, it's macaroni shells, but it's prepared with the same ingredients as spaghetti, except it's shells instead of spaghetti, huh.
9. Took some crappy pictures of the xmas lights downtown.
10. Did the happy dance because my not so fat pants actually fit pretty good.
Crappy picture I took of the xmas lights downtown
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Playing first base for the Hiroshima Atoms
Ok, I know, I haven't posted in a few days, but my life has been one social whirlwind lately, you know the Hampton's with Jackie O, Studio 54 with Andy, Nico, Ultra Violet, Viva, and the rest of the gang, lunch at Burger King with Sadahiro Oh ...
And yeah, today is going to be the creme de la creme.
I'm changing in my fat pants for my not so fat pants, and yeah, I know the not so fat's will be a little tight, but seriously, the fat's were getting so loose that I could take them off without unfastening them, and I'm half way tempted to shoot a video of me taking them off that way, but ehhhhhhhhhh.
But yeah, farewell fat pants, I hardly knew ye.
And yeah, today is going to be the creme de la creme.
I'm changing in my fat pants for my not so fat pants, and yeah, I know the not so fat's will be a little tight, but seriously, the fat's were getting so loose that I could take them off without unfastening them, and I'm half way tempted to shoot a video of me taking them off that way, but ehhhhhhhhhh.
But yeah, farewell fat pants, I hardly knew ye.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
The Finished Product
MB's Xmas Present(s).
A 12x16 frame matted for an 8x10 print.
When did I become such a good son?
You can click the pic for a larger image.
They actually look better than this.
A 12x16 frame matted for an 8x10 print.
When did I become such a good son?
You can click the pic for a larger image.
They actually look better than this.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Putting the X back in Xmas since 1972
Now that I can stop worrying about MB's health I can start worrying about what to get her for xmas.
Actually, I can stop worrying about what to get her for xmas too.
Both my niece and Melissa sort of kind of said that some of the pictures I have been posting are kind of good, and Melissa said, at least as I remember it, Melissa said that she'd like to make a few prints for herself from the original shots, and my niece said that I should, you know, get some prints made and have them framed ...
Well, you don't have to hit me with a shovel more than a half a dozen times before I get a clue.
So, while out getting a haircut after coming back from the doctor's office I stopped at a bunch of stores, where I priced frames and mattes, and when I got to the Dollar General my head was pretty much spinning, and that is when I found these!!!
I mean, they were every thing that I wanted.
They're wood.
They're black.
The mattes are included.
The frames are 12x16 matted for 10x12.
And they were only six bucks each!!!
I can get the 8x10 prints made at the Evil Empire for around two bucks each and there you have it, three perfectly legit xmas presents for less than ten dollars each, and yeah, I'll be giving her other stuff too, the other stuff will be money, because that's what she wants, but still it's nice to have a package or two under the tree, if you know what I mean.
Actually, I can stop worrying about what to get her for xmas too.
Both my niece and Melissa sort of kind of said that some of the pictures I have been posting are kind of good, and Melissa said, at least as I remember it, Melissa said that she'd like to make a few prints for herself from the original shots, and my niece said that I should, you know, get some prints made and have them framed ...
Well, you don't have to hit me with a shovel more than a half a dozen times before I get a clue.
So, while out getting a haircut after coming back from the doctor's office I stopped at a bunch of stores, where I priced frames and mattes, and when I got to the Dollar General my head was pretty much spinning, and that is when I found these!!!
I mean, they were every thing that I wanted.
They're wood.
They're black.
The mattes are included.
The frames are 12x16 matted for 10x12.
And they were only six bucks each!!!
I can get the 8x10 prints made at the Evil Empire for around two bucks each and there you have it, three perfectly legit xmas presents for less than ten dollars each, and yeah, I'll be giving her other stuff too, the other stuff will be money, because that's what she wants, but still it's nice to have a package or two under the tree, if you know what I mean.
Back from the Quack
Ok, we're back from the doctor's appointment.
Everything is cool, everything is fine.
It's more or less what Melissa talked about in comments.
So he prescribed an anti-leakage medication, which is supposed to somewhat alleviate the problem.
To be on the safe side he also prescribed an anti-biotic just in case there is an infection.
He wanted her to give a urine sample, but yeah, the one time she needs to go she can't, so he is treating it like there is a bladder infection, and I see nothing wrong with that.
It's nothing serious, well, it's serious, but it is treatable, at least to a certain extent, and it reminds me of a song by Harry Nilsson, about rather being dead than wetting your bed, and since Harry is dead I guess it was a self fulfilling prophecy, and personally I'd rather wet my bed than be dead, but that's just me.
Time for a shower.
Sing it Harry!
Everything is cool, everything is fine.
It's more or less what Melissa talked about in comments.
So he prescribed an anti-leakage medication, which is supposed to somewhat alleviate the problem.
To be on the safe side he also prescribed an anti-biotic just in case there is an infection.
He wanted her to give a urine sample, but yeah, the one time she needs to go she can't, so he is treating it like there is a bladder infection, and I see nothing wrong with that.
It's nothing serious, well, it's serious, but it is treatable, at least to a certain extent, and it reminds me of a song by Harry Nilsson, about rather being dead than wetting your bed, and since Harry is dead I guess it was a self fulfilling prophecy, and personally I'd rather wet my bed than be dead, but that's just me.
Time for a shower.
Sing it Harry!
Sunday, December 10, 2006
It all Depends
I have to call the doctor's office in the morning and try to get an appointment for MB.
She is having trouble controlling her bladder, more trouble than usual.
I think this is her way of paying me back for being a bed wetter when I was a kid.
Yeah, she's always had week bladder muscles, at least that's what she told me, and she said it happened because one of my sisters was a difficult delivery, and when she started talking about female stuff I kind of tuned her out, but that's the gist of it.
I don't know if there is any medication they can prescribe for her that would help. I do know there is a surgery, but at her age ???
Anyway, other than that she is doing well. We went out for about six hours today, and stopped at a couple of stores, and had a bite to eat, and her mind is sharp, well, sharp enough where you don't have to worry about senility being a problem.
She's a little bit worried.
I'm a little bit worried.
You're a little bit worried.
I guess that's all I can say for now.
She is having trouble controlling her bladder, more trouble than usual.
I think this is her way of paying me back for being a bed wetter when I was a kid.
Yeah, she's always had week bladder muscles, at least that's what she told me, and she said it happened because one of my sisters was a difficult delivery, and when she started talking about female stuff I kind of tuned her out, but that's the gist of it.
I don't know if there is any medication they can prescribe for her that would help. I do know there is a surgery, but at her age ???
Anyway, other than that she is doing well. We went out for about six hours today, and stopped at a couple of stores, and had a bite to eat, and her mind is sharp, well, sharp enough where you don't have to worry about senility being a problem.
She's a little bit worried.
I'm a little bit worried.
You're a little bit worried.
I guess that's all I can say for now.
Friday, December 08, 2006
Ho, ho, ho, ho, and a couple more hos just to make sure
Maybe I'll put up the tree tonight.
Or maybe I'm just too cool.
Or maybe I'm just too cool.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
What if???
Boz Jr. and Simoné just dropped the grand kids, Velvet, LeVitra, and Little Boz, off so they could go do some Christmas shopping. If I can ever pry Juanita away from Oprah and the rest of her shows we're going to take the grand kids to Denny's for lunch and then to the Mall to get their pictures taken with Santa.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
You can't get blood out of a turnip but you can make me scream in agony if you try hard enough
I just got back from my EMG about a half hour ago, and it was nothing like I expected ... nothing like I expected ... nothing like I expected ... it was a hundred, make that a hundred and twenty eight times worse.
I think the technician enjoyed her work.
First she went up and down the left side of my body giving me electro shocks with what looked like a miniature cattle prod, and when she got tired of that she started sticking needles into muscles all over my body, and when she got tired of that she went back to giving me electro shocks, and randomly through the three stages whenever she hit a really lively nerve the muscle in my back that I strained when I foolishly picked up the 27 inch tv set would spasm sending me into ... not convulsions, but something like convulsions, you know, when it makes you tense up and scream in agony.
I mean it was like a torture chamber that they have on those adult bdsm sites that you stumble on by accident because you would never knowingly look for a site like that, but yeah, it was like a torture chamber, and I half expected to look up and see the technician in a black leather corset with fishnets and eight inch heels, if that is what they wear on those sites, the sites that you stumble upon by accident and would never actively search for, and I am just guessing that is what they would wear, and yeah, the technician asked if I would feel comfortable calling her Mistress, but I drew the line at that, but still I was tempted, and I guess that's it for now, and it really hurt a lot but once she loosened the posture bar and removed the ball gag I started feeling ok again.
I think the technician enjoyed her work.
First she went up and down the left side of my body giving me electro shocks with what looked like a miniature cattle prod, and when she got tired of that she started sticking needles into muscles all over my body, and when she got tired of that she went back to giving me electro shocks, and randomly through the three stages whenever she hit a really lively nerve the muscle in my back that I strained when I foolishly picked up the 27 inch tv set would spasm sending me into ... not convulsions, but something like convulsions, you know, when it makes you tense up and scream in agony.
I mean it was like a torture chamber that they have on those adult bdsm sites that you stumble on by accident because you would never knowingly look for a site like that, but yeah, it was like a torture chamber, and I half expected to look up and see the technician in a black leather corset with fishnets and eight inch heels, if that is what they wear on those sites, the sites that you stumble upon by accident and would never actively search for, and I am just guessing that is what they would wear, and yeah, the technician asked if I would feel comfortable calling her Mistress, but I drew the line at that, but still I was tempted, and I guess that's it for now, and it really hurt a lot but once she loosened the posture bar and removed the ball gag I started feeling ok again.
If I didn't hurt how would I know I existed?
I'm pretty stoked right now.
I just weighed myself, and I know you aren't supposed to weigh yourself at night, and that you're supposed to weigh yourself first thing in the morning, but I just weighed myself, and it's night, and I've lost twelve pounds since I've started my diet, which I guess I started a little over a month ago, or a lot less than two months ago, and yeah, twelve pounds is a lot, and that's probably why my pants are slipping off my hips, and hold on a minute, I'm going to go weigh myself again just to make sure.
Yes, I've still lost twelve pounds, and if I lift my toes off the scale I can almost make it thirteen pounds, but that would be cheating, and it'll probably be thirteen pounds in a week or two anyway, so what's the big hurry, it's not like I'm going anywhere, except to the hospital tomorrow for the prick test, which is not the kind of test that it sounds like, but I kind of wish it was, but no, it's where they stick needles into my foot, and leg, and wherever else they feel they should stick needles, and the needles are hooked up to electrodes or something, and then there is some kind of computer print out, and this will tell them why the fuck my extremities on my left side are always numb, and why the extremities on my right side are numb but not always, and by extremities I mean my foot, and my lower leg, and my hand, and my lower arm, and not the other extremity that you thought of when I said it was the prick test, and it's actually called an EMG, which stands for Electro MSomething GSomething, and if you give me a second I'll look at my paperwork and tell you what it stands for, and I just checked and it stands for Electromygraphy, and it's a test used to detect and diagnose disorders of muscles, nerves, and the spinal cord, and it's a sensitive and precise test that can detect pinched nerves or nerve damage due to injury, ruptured disc, or other causes, and yadda yadda yadda, it is supposed to hurt, I mean even the doctors say it is supposed to hurt, but I had an EMG about seven or eight years ago, and it didn't hurt, not even a little bit, and actually, it was quite relaxing, and ok, even a bit stimulating in a sexual non sexual sort of way, and damn my back is killing me right now, from when I picked up that tv set about ten days ago, and you'd think that would have healed by now, but whatever, so I'm going to bed now.
I just weighed myself, and I know you aren't supposed to weigh yourself at night, and that you're supposed to weigh yourself first thing in the morning, but I just weighed myself, and it's night, and I've lost twelve pounds since I've started my diet, which I guess I started a little over a month ago, or a lot less than two months ago, and yeah, twelve pounds is a lot, and that's probably why my pants are slipping off my hips, and hold on a minute, I'm going to go weigh myself again just to make sure.
Yes, I've still lost twelve pounds, and if I lift my toes off the scale I can almost make it thirteen pounds, but that would be cheating, and it'll probably be thirteen pounds in a week or two anyway, so what's the big hurry, it's not like I'm going anywhere, except to the hospital tomorrow for the prick test, which is not the kind of test that it sounds like, but I kind of wish it was, but no, it's where they stick needles into my foot, and leg, and wherever else they feel they should stick needles, and the needles are hooked up to electrodes or something, and then there is some kind of computer print out, and this will tell them why the fuck my extremities on my left side are always numb, and why the extremities on my right side are numb but not always, and by extremities I mean my foot, and my lower leg, and my hand, and my lower arm, and not the other extremity that you thought of when I said it was the prick test, and it's actually called an EMG, which stands for Electro MSomething GSomething, and if you give me a second I'll look at my paperwork and tell you what it stands for, and I just checked and it stands for Electromygraphy, and it's a test used to detect and diagnose disorders of muscles, nerves, and the spinal cord, and it's a sensitive and precise test that can detect pinched nerves or nerve damage due to injury, ruptured disc, or other causes, and yadda yadda yadda, it is supposed to hurt, I mean even the doctors say it is supposed to hurt, but I had an EMG about seven or eight years ago, and it didn't hurt, not even a little bit, and actually, it was quite relaxing, and ok, even a bit stimulating in a sexual non sexual sort of way, and damn my back is killing me right now, from when I picked up that tv set about ten days ago, and you'd think that would have healed by now, but whatever, so I'm going to bed now.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Is that an erection in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
Oh man ...
Three great pre-code films (made before 1934) on Turner Classic Movies tonight.
1. Waterloo Bridge - A WWI soldier falls in love with a woman in London not knowing that she is a dun dun dun prostitute.
2. Baby Face - Barbara Stanwyck stars as a woman from the wrong side of the tracks who sleeps her way to the top without remorse.
3. Red-Headed Woman - Jean Harlow plays a gold digger who breaks up marriages and sins her way to financial success.
What is so cool about these movies, is that after the code went into effect all these woman would have been made to pay for their digressions, but not so in the pre-code days. I mean, they are all wicked evil woman type whores in every sense of the word, and woo hoo, and did Ijust say woo hoo, I can't wait to watch them, well, I have to wait ten minutes, but that will give me time to go get a drink, and whatever else I have to do.
Immorality in the movies, I love it, and you know, it's not blatant like today, but yeah, it's there baby, you know it's there.
Three great pre-code films (made before 1934) on Turner Classic Movies tonight.
1. Waterloo Bridge - A WWI soldier falls in love with a woman in London not knowing that she is a dun dun dun prostitute.
2. Baby Face - Barbara Stanwyck stars as a woman from the wrong side of the tracks who sleeps her way to the top without remorse.
3. Red-Headed Woman - Jean Harlow plays a gold digger who breaks up marriages and sins her way to financial success.
What is so cool about these movies, is that after the code went into effect all these woman would have been made to pay for their digressions, but not so in the pre-code days. I mean, they are all wicked evil woman type whores in every sense of the word, and woo hoo, and did Ijust say woo hoo, I can't wait to watch them, well, I have to wait ten minutes, but that will give me time to go get a drink, and whatever else I have to do.
Immorality in the movies, I love it, and you know, it's not blatant like today, but yeah, it's there baby, you know it's there.
#39, #39, #39
I am at a crucial stage of my diet.
My 40 inch waist pants are falling off my hips, and my 38 inchers are still to tight.
Excuse me miss, I'm having problems with my pants, could you help me out?
My 40 inch waist pants are falling off my hips, and my 38 inchers are still to tight.
Excuse me miss, I'm having problems with my pants, could you help me out?
Hey, let's go to Howie's!!!
If you ever come to visit me this is where I would take you for dinner.
But only on Monday or Tuesday because Monday's special is a large round one topping pizza for $4.99, and the Tuesday special is a large deep dish one topping pizza for $5.99. If you want additional toppings you'll have to pay for them yourself, but at a $1.39 each it's hardly worth it.
But only on Monday or Tuesday because Monday's special is a large round one topping pizza for $4.99, and the Tuesday special is a large deep dish one topping pizza for $5.99. If you want additional toppings you'll have to pay for them yourself, but at a $1.39 each it's hardly worth it.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Friday, December 01, 2006
It's a mystery to me
I miss Pamela Sue Martin and all that she stood for.
You can never get enough grainy celebrity black and white nudes.
You can never get enough grainy celebrity black and white nudes.
Media mail, Stella, and me
So, I went to the post office today.
I had a package to mail.
It was media mail.
Stella, the clerk didn't trust me.
Chicks named Stella never trusted me.
She said they could open it up anytime they wanted and if there was anything besides books, cassettes, or Cd's in the package they could send it back.
I said fine, if you don't trust me I'll open the package now.
I reached into my pocket and pulled out a knife.
Stella reacted.
She pulled a pair of numchucks out from under the counter and knocked the knife out of my hand.
We struggled.
I inadvertently ripped open her blouse.
She wasn't wearing a bra.
Her breasts were stunning.
Her nipples taunted me.
It felt like a balloon was inflating in my pants.
Our eyes locked.
We pulled ourselves up on top of the counter.
There was sex.
It wasn't sweet loving let's make a baby sex.
It was ten minutes before the apocalypse so we'd better get it right this one last time sex.
We panted.
We moaned.
We rendered each others' flesh bloody.
Stella started screaming out zip codes randomly then came like a runaway freight train.
I exploded like Little Boy over Hiroshima.
It was over that quick.
There was awkward silence.
There was always awkward silence after I sent media mail.
I hitched up my pants, blew a kiss to Stella, gave a sly wink to the guy behind me in line, and walked out, not once looking back.
The end
I had a package to mail.
It was media mail.
Stella, the clerk didn't trust me.
Chicks named Stella never trusted me.
She said they could open it up anytime they wanted and if there was anything besides books, cassettes, or Cd's in the package they could send it back.
I said fine, if you don't trust me I'll open the package now.
I reached into my pocket and pulled out a knife.
Stella reacted.
She pulled a pair of numchucks out from under the counter and knocked the knife out of my hand.
We struggled.
I inadvertently ripped open her blouse.
She wasn't wearing a bra.
Her breasts were stunning.
Her nipples taunted me.
It felt like a balloon was inflating in my pants.
Our eyes locked.
We pulled ourselves up on top of the counter.
There was sex.
It wasn't sweet loving let's make a baby sex.
It was ten minutes before the apocalypse so we'd better get it right this one last time sex.
We panted.
We moaned.
We rendered each others' flesh bloody.
Stella started screaming out zip codes randomly then came like a runaway freight train.
I exploded like Little Boy over Hiroshima.
It was over that quick.
There was awkward silence.
There was always awkward silence after I sent media mail.
I hitched up my pants, blew a kiss to Stella, gave a sly wink to the guy behind me in line, and walked out, not once looking back.
The end
Thursday, November 30, 2006
The storm of ought six
We are supposed to get between six inches and a foot (sort of like me) of snow tomorrow. The prospect of the first big snow of the season always get me fired up in a survivalist kind of way, I was all ...
provisions, I must have provisions.
So earlier tonight I decided to go out shopping and stock up on all the supplies necessary to last me through the impending storm and it's aftermath, candles, flashlights, batteries, bread, milk, matches, you know, survivor stuff, but I really didn't need any of those things so I ended up buying a bag of peanut butter cups and some tomatoes.
provisions, I must have provisions.
So earlier tonight I decided to go out shopping and stock up on all the supplies necessary to last me through the impending storm and it's aftermath, candles, flashlights, batteries, bread, milk, matches, you know, survivor stuff, but I really didn't need any of those things so I ended up buying a bag of peanut butter cups and some tomatoes.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Hey, it's I Feel Like Death Wednesday
I'm going to the post office now, and when I get back I'll make up a story about what happened.
Malone the Elusive answers his 50 questions from Boz
Malone answers my 50 questions, and I wonder if he'll ever post them on his blog.
1. Would you rather be a dead rock star or a dead Kennedy?
Rock is dead and most of the Kennedy’s anyway – so…just me, I guess. And alive.
2. If your best friend came up behind you, right now as you are
sitting at the computer, what would he most likely say to you?
Who the fuck is this? – and I’d say, “the Co-Dependents, bitch!”
3. Singer Tom Waits once said "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me
than a frontal lobotomy" do you agree or disagree with this statement?
I thought that was Groucho Marx…Ummm…drink!
4. If you could watch two bloggers performing a sex act with one
another, what two bloggers would you choose, and what would their sex
act be?
Crap - that sucks because I’m not to “Hep” with the scene as much as I used to be – so off the top of my head, I’ll just say dark-haired Raymi and light-haired Raymi and a puppet?
5. Who is your favorite Stooge not named Curley?
Moe.
6. What is the Mann Act and have you ever violated it?
Dry-roasted sunflower kernels.
7. Is there anything under your bed that could get you in trouble?
Cats. Not the musical.
8. If some guy who worked behind the counter of a convenience store
told you that he was the second coming of Jesus Christ what would he
have to do to convince you that he really was?
He’d have to introduce me to the first.
9. If you promised to pick someone up in your car but you forgot all
about it what would you tell them happened?
The explanation would never come until I was backed in a conversational corner.
10. Do you own any Hawaiian shirts?
Used to wear them all of the time. Now I have one that I never wear. There was that one that melted onto my abdomen after I fell asleep with a lit cigarette…
11. Who is the dwarf from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs that you can
never remember the name of?
Hank The Angry.
12. How are you going to die?
Painfully and full of regret.
13. Do you have trouble taking a leak in a public rest room if someone
is using the urinal next to you?
Pooping, yes.
14. If they made a movie of your life who would play your 11th grade
English teacher?
Ryan Gosling.
15. What's the funniest joke you can remember from when you were eight
years old?
“You’ll understand when you’re older.”
16. If you could invite 5 famous murderers, past or present, to a
theme dinner party who would you invite, and what would the theme be?
Union Carbide, American Politics, Brian Michael Bendis, God and American Idol. Theme? Apocalypse Now(er).
17. Pancho or Lefty?
Sancho.
18. If you were walking down the street and you saw a little girl
crying in front of a burning house and she told you that her kitten
was trapped in the house would you run in and try to save the kitten?
Yes, but after saving the kitten – I would make the little girl my personal assistant.
19. If you had a world map how long would it take you to find Albania?
In a significantly shorter amount of time than it would take Albania to find me.
20. Could you eat 50 hard-boiled eggs in an hour if there was money
riding on the outcome?
I eat like a pacifistic Ghandhi.
21. What is your favorite Chick Flick?
The Notebook.
22. What was your last nightmare?
Last night.
23. If a cousin you hadn't seen for at least ten years needed a new
kidney, and you were a match, would you donate one of yours?
If she was hot, yes. Otherwise? Nien! No. Nope. Nunca.
24. When you are on a drive in the country and you pass a cow in a
field do you go mooooo?
I’ve never passed a COW. Ummm…
25. Have you ever been mistaken for a celebrity?
I get Mark Anthony, The guy from Animal Planet’s animal outtakes thing. And James Woods.
26. How many refrigerator magnets do you have on your refrigerator?
15
27. What do you do when you get a really bad headache?
I get drinking faster.
28. If someone orders a pizza with a topping that you don't like what do you?
I get drinking faster.
29. If I came out to visit how long before you'd kick me out?
I would never kick you out of your hotel.
30. When you go out for breakfast and the waitress asks you what kind
of toast you want what do you tell her?
Bud Light, please. Sourdough, if you have it.
31. Do you have trouble with the instructions on the pumps at
self-serve gas stations?
Just the pay by card thingy.
32. Do you have trouble with the fact that some people consider you
the baby Jesus?
Tickle-Me-Jesus.
33. What is the most interesting thing that has happened to you in,
on, or near a tree?
Buried a placenta and then got hungry after all that work and dug it back up.
34. If you could visit any tourist attraction in the United States,
that you had never visited before, which one would you choose?
Jenna Jameson’s house.
35. What is your most annoying habit?
Working.
36. What does your girl friend think is your most annoying habit? Go
ahead ask her, I'll wait.
Falling asleep eating candy in the bed. Huh?
37. What country has the best national anthem?
Borat’s.
38. Do you do any impressions?
One of a caring human being.
39. What is your blues name?
Hamster Ham Bone Hamlin.
40. How many pillows are on your bed?
5
41. If you were a super hero what would be your weakness or Achilles Heel?
Groupies.
42. What are the contents of the waste paper basket that is nearest to
where you are sitting?
Sorry. None. I did just eat a grapefruit, though.
43. Who fired the shot from the grassy knoll?
RFK, JR, The BTK Killer or DJ Tanner.
44. Do you pick up hitchhikers?
No, I used to hitchhike when I was younger and stopped when I moved to OC.
45. If the 7-11 is out of your brand of cigarettes what's your second choice?
Ugh. American Spirits.
46. If the need arose, would you be able to stuff a body in the trunk
of your car?
I’ll do it for you.
47. Why is there a "y" and a second "n"?
Because that’s what The Oracle told me to do when I was at Delphi High.
48. Do you know of anyone who is jealous of you?
Little kids that like my toys, paints and uneaten Pez.
49. How long do you think you could live on the food scraps under the
cushions of your couch?
Crap. I don’t think I’ve ever looked under the cushions. Okay, I just did and my girlfriend is too clean to have anything under there. There isn’t even lint. Nothing.
50. So, seriously Malone, what's your excuse?
I was drunk.
1. Would you rather be a dead rock star or a dead Kennedy?
Rock is dead and most of the Kennedy’s anyway – so…just me, I guess. And alive.
2. If your best friend came up behind you, right now as you are
sitting at the computer, what would he most likely say to you?
Who the fuck is this? – and I’d say, “the Co-Dependents, bitch!”
3. Singer Tom Waits once said "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me
than a frontal lobotomy" do you agree or disagree with this statement?
I thought that was Groucho Marx…Ummm…drink!
4. If you could watch two bloggers performing a sex act with one
another, what two bloggers would you choose, and what would their sex
act be?
Crap - that sucks because I’m not to “Hep” with the scene as much as I used to be – so off the top of my head, I’ll just say dark-haired Raymi and light-haired Raymi and a puppet?
5. Who is your favorite Stooge not named Curley?
Moe.
6. What is the Mann Act and have you ever violated it?
Dry-roasted sunflower kernels.
7. Is there anything under your bed that could get you in trouble?
Cats. Not the musical.
8. If some guy who worked behind the counter of a convenience store
told you that he was the second coming of Jesus Christ what would he
have to do to convince you that he really was?
He’d have to introduce me to the first.
9. If you promised to pick someone up in your car but you forgot all
about it what would you tell them happened?
The explanation would never come until I was backed in a conversational corner.
10. Do you own any Hawaiian shirts?
Used to wear them all of the time. Now I have one that I never wear. There was that one that melted onto my abdomen after I fell asleep with a lit cigarette…
11. Who is the dwarf from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs that you can
never remember the name of?
Hank The Angry.
12. How are you going to die?
Painfully and full of regret.
13. Do you have trouble taking a leak in a public rest room if someone
is using the urinal next to you?
Pooping, yes.
14. If they made a movie of your life who would play your 11th grade
English teacher?
Ryan Gosling.
15. What's the funniest joke you can remember from when you were eight
years old?
“You’ll understand when you’re older.”
16. If you could invite 5 famous murderers, past or present, to a
theme dinner party who would you invite, and what would the theme be?
Union Carbide, American Politics, Brian Michael Bendis, God and American Idol. Theme? Apocalypse Now(er).
17. Pancho or Lefty?
Sancho.
18. If you were walking down the street and you saw a little girl
crying in front of a burning house and she told you that her kitten
was trapped in the house would you run in and try to save the kitten?
Yes, but after saving the kitten – I would make the little girl my personal assistant.
19. If you had a world map how long would it take you to find Albania?
In a significantly shorter amount of time than it would take Albania to find me.
20. Could you eat 50 hard-boiled eggs in an hour if there was money
riding on the outcome?
I eat like a pacifistic Ghandhi.
21. What is your favorite Chick Flick?
The Notebook.
22. What was your last nightmare?
Last night.
23. If a cousin you hadn't seen for at least ten years needed a new
kidney, and you were a match, would you donate one of yours?
If she was hot, yes. Otherwise? Nien! No. Nope. Nunca.
24. When you are on a drive in the country and you pass a cow in a
field do you go mooooo?
I’ve never passed a COW. Ummm…
25. Have you ever been mistaken for a celebrity?
I get Mark Anthony, The guy from Animal Planet’s animal outtakes thing. And James Woods.
26. How many refrigerator magnets do you have on your refrigerator?
15
27. What do you do when you get a really bad headache?
I get drinking faster.
28. If someone orders a pizza with a topping that you don't like what do you?
I get drinking faster.
29. If I came out to visit how long before you'd kick me out?
I would never kick you out of your hotel.
30. When you go out for breakfast and the waitress asks you what kind
of toast you want what do you tell her?
Bud Light, please. Sourdough, if you have it.
31. Do you have trouble with the instructions on the pumps at
self-serve gas stations?
Just the pay by card thingy.
32. Do you have trouble with the fact that some people consider you
the baby Jesus?
Tickle-Me-Jesus.
33. What is the most interesting thing that has happened to you in,
on, or near a tree?
Buried a placenta and then got hungry after all that work and dug it back up.
34. If you could visit any tourist attraction in the United States,
that you had never visited before, which one would you choose?
Jenna Jameson’s house.
35. What is your most annoying habit?
Working.
36. What does your girl friend think is your most annoying habit? Go
ahead ask her, I'll wait.
Falling asleep eating candy in the bed. Huh?
37. What country has the best national anthem?
Borat’s.
38. Do you do any impressions?
One of a caring human being.
39. What is your blues name?
Hamster Ham Bone Hamlin.
40. How many pillows are on your bed?
5
41. If you were a super hero what would be your weakness or Achilles Heel?
Groupies.
42. What are the contents of the waste paper basket that is nearest to
where you are sitting?
Sorry. None. I did just eat a grapefruit, though.
43. Who fired the shot from the grassy knoll?
RFK, JR, The BTK Killer or DJ Tanner.
44. Do you pick up hitchhikers?
No, I used to hitchhike when I was younger and stopped when I moved to OC.
45. If the 7-11 is out of your brand of cigarettes what's your second choice?
Ugh. American Spirits.
46. If the need arose, would you be able to stuff a body in the trunk
of your car?
I’ll do it for you.
47. Why is there a "y" and a second "n"?
Because that’s what The Oracle told me to do when I was at Delphi High.
48. Do you know of anyone who is jealous of you?
Little kids that like my toys, paints and uneaten Pez.
49. How long do you think you could live on the food scraps under the
cushions of your couch?
Crap. I don’t think I’ve ever looked under the cushions. Okay, I just did and my girlfriend is too clean to have anything under there. There isn’t even lint. Nothing.
50. So, seriously Malone, what's your excuse?
I was drunk.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Fifty Questions from Malone, 22-24
22. Three really honest-to-gosh heroes of Boz’s.
I have no heroes, is that how you spell heroes, I never really noticed that second e, and when did the alphabet start sticking extra letters in on me anyway, but seriously, I gave this a lot of thought, a lot more thought than it deserved I might add, and I can't think of heroes I have now or who I have ever had.
Nope, none.
No friends or family.
No world leaders, statesmen, or historical figures.
No athletes or celebrities.
No criminal masterminds, and see, now I'm just dragging this out, so yeah, no, I don't have any heroes.
23. Enemies.
Nah, I can't be bothered.
24. List all countries traveled to.
Ok, this is a question I can get into.
I've been to Canada numerous times, numerous time, because I used to live in Detroit, which is right across the river from Canada, but I haven't been to Canada since I was discharged from the air force because I had a top secret security clearance and one of the stipulations of my discharge was that I couldn't travel into a foreign country, and I guess the reason for that is because the government thought I might be kidnapped by some foreign agents and tortured until I revealed all these state secrets that I seriously didn't know anything about, and I mean seriously, because I didn't know anything, ok, I could have gone to Canada or any other country, but I would have had to fill out all sorts of forms, and there was no way I was going to give THE MAN that satisfaction, and yeah, I guess I could have snuck into Canada and kidnapped former Toronto Maple Leaf captain Davy Keon, but why bother, and it's been over thirty years now, and I guess I could probably travel there legally, you know, without sneaking and stuff, but I no longer live in Detroit, which is still right across the river from Canada, so I guess that is that.
I've also been to Crete, which is part of Greece, and I was there for eight teen months when I was in the air force, and yeah, and it was fun, I guess, but I was a real prick back then and I didn't enjoy it as much as I should, and also while I was stationed on Crete I went on a temporary assignment for four weeks to Turkey, and if you've ever seen the movie Midnight Express, well, that's sort of the lighter side of Turkey compared to what I saw.
After I left Crete I was transferred to Japan, and I spent about a year on the southernmost island of Kyushu, pronounced KYYYY-u-shu, and that was a lot of fun too, and I wasn't as big a prick as I had been in Crete, so I enjoyed it a whole lot more.
Then when they closed down the base I was stationed in on Japan they sent me to Okinawa for about six weeks before I was discharged, and ok, Okinawa wasn't actually a country, but it was I guess what you would call a protectorate of the United States, at least it was when I first got there, and man, Okinawa was a wide open place then, I mean Thailand had nothing on Okinawa, if you get my drift, but ...
While I was on Okinawa it reverted back to Japanese control, yeah, I think it was on May 15, 1971, and it was called Reversion Day, and holy geez-o pete, talk about changes, well, I'd talk about changes, but my back is starting to hurt again, but trust me, there were plenty of changes, and that is it for my travel to foreign countries, and it is also it for this part of Malone's 50 Questions for Boz, ha, I typed Bioz by mistake, stupid fingers.
I have no heroes, is that how you spell heroes, I never really noticed that second e, and when did the alphabet start sticking extra letters in on me anyway, but seriously, I gave this a lot of thought, a lot more thought than it deserved I might add, and I can't think of heroes I have now or who I have ever had.
Nope, none.
No friends or family.
No world leaders, statesmen, or historical figures.
No athletes or celebrities.
No criminal masterminds, and see, now I'm just dragging this out, so yeah, no, I don't have any heroes.
23. Enemies.
Nah, I can't be bothered.
24. List all countries traveled to.
Ok, this is a question I can get into.
I've been to Canada numerous times, numerous time, because I used to live in Detroit, which is right across the river from Canada, but I haven't been to Canada since I was discharged from the air force because I had a top secret security clearance and one of the stipulations of my discharge was that I couldn't travel into a foreign country, and I guess the reason for that is because the government thought I might be kidnapped by some foreign agents and tortured until I revealed all these state secrets that I seriously didn't know anything about, and I mean seriously, because I didn't know anything, ok, I could have gone to Canada or any other country, but I would have had to fill out all sorts of forms, and there was no way I was going to give THE MAN that satisfaction, and yeah, I guess I could have snuck into Canada and kidnapped former Toronto Maple Leaf captain Davy Keon, but why bother, and it's been over thirty years now, and I guess I could probably travel there legally, you know, without sneaking and stuff, but I no longer live in Detroit, which is still right across the river from Canada, so I guess that is that.
I've also been to Crete, which is part of Greece, and I was there for eight teen months when I was in the air force, and yeah, and it was fun, I guess, but I was a real prick back then and I didn't enjoy it as much as I should, and also while I was stationed on Crete I went on a temporary assignment for four weeks to Turkey, and if you've ever seen the movie Midnight Express, well, that's sort of the lighter side of Turkey compared to what I saw.
After I left Crete I was transferred to Japan, and I spent about a year on the southernmost island of Kyushu, pronounced KYYYY-u-shu, and that was a lot of fun too, and I wasn't as big a prick as I had been in Crete, so I enjoyed it a whole lot more.
Then when they closed down the base I was stationed in on Japan they sent me to Okinawa for about six weeks before I was discharged, and ok, Okinawa wasn't actually a country, but it was I guess what you would call a protectorate of the United States, at least it was when I first got there, and man, Okinawa was a wide open place then, I mean Thailand had nothing on Okinawa, if you get my drift, but ...
While I was on Okinawa it reverted back to Japanese control, yeah, I think it was on May 15, 1971, and it was called Reversion Day, and holy geez-o pete, talk about changes, well, I'd talk about changes, but my back is starting to hurt again, but trust me, there were plenty of changes, and that is it for my travel to foreign countries, and it is also it for this part of Malone's 50 Questions for Boz, ha, I typed Bioz by mistake, stupid fingers.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Raymi's Mom
Ok, I left a comment on Raymi's blog the other day, and yeah, I know I promised myself years and years ago that I would never read popular blogs, but Raymi's blog is a personal blog, and she updates a lot, and it's funny, and self depreciating, and I had to look up how to spell self depreciating, and who knew about the first i in self depreciating, and yeah, I said I would never read popular blogs, but I'm pretty good at rationalizing, and if I rationalize that Raymi's blog is a cult blog instead of a popular blog, well, then I can live with the seeming contradiction in my beliefs, and besides, who wouldn't prefer being cult-like over popular.
So anyway, I left a comment on one of her posts, and earlier today I was scanning the comments, and this is where I absolutely draw the line, I will not read comments on a popular blog even though I can rationalize a popular blog into cult status, I cannot rationalize the comments of said blog into cult status, but I can scan the comments, and that's what I did today, and while scanning the comments I saw my name mentioned, and not only was it mentioned, it was mentioned by Raymi's Mom, and if Raymi is a cult figure that must make Raymi's Mom some kind of Mary Magdalene of the blog world, and isn't there a song called Raymi's Mom ...
So anyway redux, Raymi's Mom left a comment about me concerning my gravatar picture on Halocscan which read:
Is that a real picture of Boz, and has he ever considered contacts?
Now, I know what you're thinking, you're thinking that could be construed as a negative comment, sort of like:
Hey Boz, put a bag over your head, or at least get contacts, or something.
But I'm a the glass is half full kind of guy and I took Raymi's Mom's comment to mean:
Wow, that Boz sure is dreamy, I wonder what he would look like with contacts?
And this is where my imagination, and the pain pill I just took for my sore back, start to kick in, and I start imagining that Raymi's Mom has this internet crush sort of thing going for me, and she spends all day doodling my name over and over in her notebook, and wondering what it would be like to be Mrs Boz, and I wonder if it would be presumptuous of me to ask her to meet me for drinks in Sarnia, or maybe Sudbury, but yeah, once again I am getting carried away, and I should probably stop, because even though I don't know what kind of extradition treaty the US has with Canada, I would hate for the RCMP, with co-operation from the FBI, to knock down my door and drag me away to some remote outpost just outside of Saskatoon where I would never be heard from again.
So anyway, I left a comment on one of her posts, and earlier today I was scanning the comments, and this is where I absolutely draw the line, I will not read comments on a popular blog even though I can rationalize a popular blog into cult status, I cannot rationalize the comments of said blog into cult status, but I can scan the comments, and that's what I did today, and while scanning the comments I saw my name mentioned, and not only was it mentioned, it was mentioned by Raymi's Mom, and if Raymi is a cult figure that must make Raymi's Mom some kind of Mary Magdalene of the blog world, and isn't there a song called Raymi's Mom ...
So anyway redux, Raymi's Mom left a comment about me concerning my gravatar picture on Halocscan which read:
Is that a real picture of Boz, and has he ever considered contacts?
Now, I know what you're thinking, you're thinking that could be construed as a negative comment, sort of like:
Hey Boz, put a bag over your head, or at least get contacts, or something.
But I'm a the glass is half full kind of guy and I took Raymi's Mom's comment to mean:
Wow, that Boz sure is dreamy, I wonder what he would look like with contacts?
And this is where my imagination, and the pain pill I just took for my sore back, start to kick in, and I start imagining that Raymi's Mom has this internet crush sort of thing going for me, and she spends all day doodling my name over and over in her notebook, and wondering what it would be like to be Mrs Boz, and I wonder if it would be presumptuous of me to ask her to meet me for drinks in Sarnia, or maybe Sudbury, but yeah, once again I am getting carried away, and I should probably stop, because even though I don't know what kind of extradition treaty the US has with Canada, I would hate for the RCMP, with co-operation from the FBI, to knock down my door and drag me away to some remote outpost just outside of Saskatoon where I would never be heard from again.
Question #21 from Malone
Ok, it's after three in the morning, and I am in terrible pain from wrenching my back when I picked up a 27 inch television to put in the back seat of a car, and no, I wasn't stealing the television, and no, it had nothing to do with my spinal surgery, and yes, it was extremely stupid on my part, and yeah, I would like some pity, but no, I don't deserve any because what I did was extremely stupid, but hey, it's just a torn, or strained, or pulled muscle, and it will be ok in a few days, but like I was saying it hurts a lot right now, and it hurts the most when I am lying down, but I put some salve on my back, and I took a pain pill, and since I am up I thought I would answer five more of Malone's Questions for Boz.
21. What do you have hidden in your house that you don’t want people to find?
I don't know, nothing really, I mean, I had company on Thanksgiving, and I didn't try to hide anything, I mean, I probably have some stuff that I should hide, like if the cops had a search warrant or something, but if they had a search warrant it wouldn't do any good, because they'd rip my house apart, like David Caruso always does on CSI Miami Vice, until they found what ever I had hidden that I didn't want to be found, and I think the pain pill is starting to work, ok, I've thought of something, I've got a copy of When Harry Met Sally that I would really hate for someone to find, and that is probably why I keep it in the VCR all the time, wait, I mean in the DVD player, ok, fine, I've got a VHS tape and a DVD of When Harry Met Sally, and I watch one, or the other, or both, at least once a month, ok, a week, but even if you did find them, I've got extra copies that I'm sure no one could ever find, and I think I've said enough for now.
I guess I'll stop at one, because the voices, the voices, the voices, the voices, I must obey the voices.
Watch When Harry Met Sally ...
Watch When Harry Met Sally ...
Watch When Harry Met Sally ...
Watch When Harry Met Sally ...
And as always, the voices, the voices, the voices, the voices, were furnished by Frank, Dino, and Sammy, and the other guy that I can never remember the name of.
If I ever fall asleep I think I'll probably dream about commas.
And fuck, this post is almost as long as a Stephen King novella.
21. What do you have hidden in your house that you don’t want people to find?
I don't know, nothing really, I mean, I had company on Thanksgiving, and I didn't try to hide anything, I mean, I probably have some stuff that I should hide, like if the cops had a search warrant or something, but if they had a search warrant it wouldn't do any good, because they'd rip my house apart, like David Caruso always does on CSI Miami Vice, until they found what ever I had hidden that I didn't want to be found, and I think the pain pill is starting to work, ok, I've thought of something, I've got a copy of When Harry Met Sally that I would really hate for someone to find, and that is probably why I keep it in the VCR all the time, wait, I mean in the DVD player, ok, fine, I've got a VHS tape and a DVD of When Harry Met Sally, and I watch one, or the other, or both, at least once a month, ok, a week, but even if you did find them, I've got extra copies that I'm sure no one could ever find, and I think I've said enough for now.
I guess I'll stop at one, because the voices, the voices, the voices, the voices, I must obey the voices.
Watch When Harry Met Sally ...
Watch When Harry Met Sally ...
Watch When Harry Met Sally ...
Watch When Harry Met Sally ...
And as always, the voices, the voices, the voices, the voices, were furnished by Frank, Dino, and Sammy, and the other guy that I can never remember the name of.
If I ever fall asleep I think I'll probably dream about commas.
And fuck, this post is almost as long as a Stephen King novella.
Friday, November 24, 2006
Thursday, November 23, 2006
50 Questions from Malone, 6-10
6. Ever married? Explain.
No, never married. Never close to being married. Never really wanted to be married. Never met anyone who wanted to marry me. Now I'm too old, and I never think about it anymore, not that I ever did think about it, but if I had, I don't think of it anymore.
7. Last date. Explain.
It was during the Clinton Administration, back when I was teaching, and it was with another teacher who was a few years younger than me, and then the whole hyperthyroidism thing hit and dating was the last thing on my mind, and now, seriously, the dating pool that is available to me, and I mean age wise, because, well, women my own age, or near my own age, just want to talk about their children, or their granchildren, or their dead husband, or their divorced ex-husband, or Oprah, and who needs that, and ... if I were to date younger women, who would feel more skeevier, them or me?
8. Pets? Explain.
I had a dog for sixteen years that I got a few months after I moved up north in 1984, and when he died I didn't really want to have to deal with that birth, life, death cycle again, but I did sort of want a pet, so I bought three parakeets in 2001, and in the past year two of them have died, and really their whole birth, life, death cycle didn't effect me, and I just wrapped them in paper towels and threw them in the trash when it was time for each of them to respectively meet their maker, and now I have one bird, and I think this is the perfect bird to be the last of three, because he jumps around, and squawks, and pecks at his reflection in the mirror all day, and seems pretty much as happy as a pig in shit, or maybe I should say a bird in guano.
9. What are you good at? Meaning – everybody has at least ONE super, huge skill that they can do with relative ease. An uncanny talent. What’s yours?
People can confide in me. I mean you wouldn't believe some of the shit people tell me. I mean they tell me stuff right out of the blue, and I don't mean just friends or family, I mean the guy pumping gas next to me at the gas station, the old lady in front of me in the supermarket, so, is that a talent, I mean they don't even swear me to secrecy, but if they did I would certainly honor that, well, if it was something really juicy I might tell a few people, but I would swear them to secrecy. So I guess my talent is I'm a good listener, or I look like I would be a good listener, or maybe I give off a sympathetic vibe, or something.
10. Feel awkward being so tall?
I'm really not that tall. I'm only six foot three, and you know what is weird about that? Up until I was in my early 40's I was only six foot two, and I guess I had some sort of late growth spurt, because one time I was at the doctor's and they checked my weight and height and I was six foot three, and when I told the nurse that I must have grown an inch she looked at me like I was an imbecilic child who had to be humored, but ... when I went home I measured myself without my shoes, because I had forgotten if I had my shoes off or on at the doctor's office, and I was still six foot three, and no I have never felt awkward being this tall.
No, never married. Never close to being married. Never really wanted to be married. Never met anyone who wanted to marry me. Now I'm too old, and I never think about it anymore, not that I ever did think about it, but if I had, I don't think of it anymore.
7. Last date. Explain.
It was during the Clinton Administration, back when I was teaching, and it was with another teacher who was a few years younger than me, and then the whole hyperthyroidism thing hit and dating was the last thing on my mind, and now, seriously, the dating pool that is available to me, and I mean age wise, because, well, women my own age, or near my own age, just want to talk about their children, or their granchildren, or their dead husband, or their divorced ex-husband, or Oprah, and who needs that, and ... if I were to date younger women, who would feel more skeevier, them or me?
8. Pets? Explain.
I had a dog for sixteen years that I got a few months after I moved up north in 1984, and when he died I didn't really want to have to deal with that birth, life, death cycle again, but I did sort of want a pet, so I bought three parakeets in 2001, and in the past year two of them have died, and really their whole birth, life, death cycle didn't effect me, and I just wrapped them in paper towels and threw them in the trash when it was time for each of them to respectively meet their maker, and now I have one bird, and I think this is the perfect bird to be the last of three, because he jumps around, and squawks, and pecks at his reflection in the mirror all day, and seems pretty much as happy as a pig in shit, or maybe I should say a bird in guano.
9. What are you good at? Meaning – everybody has at least ONE super, huge skill that they can do with relative ease. An uncanny talent. What’s yours?
People can confide in me. I mean you wouldn't believe some of the shit people tell me. I mean they tell me stuff right out of the blue, and I don't mean just friends or family, I mean the guy pumping gas next to me at the gas station, the old lady in front of me in the supermarket, so, is that a talent, I mean they don't even swear me to secrecy, but if they did I would certainly honor that, well, if it was something really juicy I might tell a few people, but I would swear them to secrecy. So I guess my talent is I'm a good listener, or I look like I would be a good listener, or maybe I give off a sympathetic vibe, or something.
10. Feel awkward being so tall?
I'm really not that tall. I'm only six foot three, and you know what is weird about that? Up until I was in my early 40's I was only six foot two, and I guess I had some sort of late growth spurt, because one time I was at the doctor's and they checked my weight and height and I was six foot three, and when I told the nurse that I must have grown an inch she looked at me like I was an imbecilic child who had to be humored, but ... when I went home I measured myself without my shoes, because I had forgotten if I had my shoes off or on at the doctor's office, and I was still six foot three, and no I have never felt awkward being this tall.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Fifty Questions from Malone, 1-5
1. Why’d you pick "Boz"?
Ok, to the best of my recollection this is how I came up with the nickname Boz. Actually, I'm not really sure how I came up with it. I think maybe that two incidents that happened long ago and in a galaxy far away may have had some subliminal influence on how I came up with Boz.
a. When I was 18 years old I woke up from a bad dream and the first thought that came into my mind was that I wish I had a dog named Boyz, and for a week or two I actually considered getting a dog and naming it Boyz, but I enlisted in the Air Force instead.
b. In college I had a friend who's nickname was Bozo, yeah, like the clown, and I used to call him Boz for short, but Boz with a long o and not a short o.
Flash forward, wait not that far forward, yeah, flash forward to about six years ago, yeah that's better. I needed a nickname in a hurry to sign into an unsavory chat room, and after going over a few options in my mind, the name Boz just came to me like a flaming surf board, and I have been Boz ever since.
2. What does M Boz think that you do on the computer?
I don't think she has a clue, and that she really doesn't care, ok, I think she knows that I have online friends, and when I first started a blog I told her about it, and it's really not so much not having a clue as not really caring.
3. M Boz ever catch you surfing porn?
No, my reflexes are still fast enough that if she sticks her head into my room I'm able to close the window before it registers with her what I've been doing.
4. What do you know about Kev’s personal life based off of the top of your head? Don’t mention specific names of companies, cities, etc.
He spells his name incorrectly. He has a very pretty girl friend that gets aggravated with him because he is such a stick in the mud. He lives in a house. He does foolish things when he is drunk. He likes comic books, and Star Wars stuff, and all kinds of writing. The two sides of his ethnic make-up are as polar opposite as they can be. He adores his little sister, and stray animals, and the snot nosed kids in the neighborhood, and now this is getting kind of sappy so I'm going to stop. Ok, he'll probably end up on a freeway overpass with a high powered semi-automatic rifle laughing maniacally as he picks off motorist after motorist after motorist.
5. What are you surprised about? Meaning anything that you’re doing now that you never thought you’d ever be doing?
I'm surprised that I'm taking care of my mother, and that I own a computer, and that I have tattoos, and that for the most part I'm pretty content with life, well, except that part about looking in the mirror and seeing that I'm not twenty-one anymore.
Ok, to the best of my recollection this is how I came up with the nickname Boz. Actually, I'm not really sure how I came up with it. I think maybe that two incidents that happened long ago and in a galaxy far away may have had some subliminal influence on how I came up with Boz.
a. When I was 18 years old I woke up from a bad dream and the first thought that came into my mind was that I wish I had a dog named Boyz, and for a week or two I actually considered getting a dog and naming it Boyz, but I enlisted in the Air Force instead.
b. In college I had a friend who's nickname was Bozo, yeah, like the clown, and I used to call him Boz for short, but Boz with a long o and not a short o.
Flash forward, wait not that far forward, yeah, flash forward to about six years ago, yeah that's better. I needed a nickname in a hurry to sign into an unsavory chat room, and after going over a few options in my mind, the name Boz just came to me like a flaming surf board, and I have been Boz ever since.
2. What does M Boz think that you do on the computer?
I don't think she has a clue, and that she really doesn't care, ok, I think she knows that I have online friends, and when I first started a blog I told her about it, and it's really not so much not having a clue as not really caring.
3. M Boz ever catch you surfing porn?
No, my reflexes are still fast enough that if she sticks her head into my room I'm able to close the window before it registers with her what I've been doing.
4. What do you know about Kev’s personal life based off of the top of your head? Don’t mention specific names of companies, cities, etc.
He spells his name incorrectly. He has a very pretty girl friend that gets aggravated with him because he is such a stick in the mud. He lives in a house. He does foolish things when he is drunk. He likes comic books, and Star Wars stuff, and all kinds of writing. The two sides of his ethnic make-up are as polar opposite as they can be. He adores his little sister, and stray animals, and the snot nosed kids in the neighborhood, and now this is getting kind of sappy so I'm going to stop. Ok, he'll probably end up on a freeway overpass with a high powered semi-automatic rifle laughing maniacally as he picks off motorist after motorist after motorist.
5. What are you surprised about? Meaning anything that you’re doing now that you never thought you’d ever be doing?
I'm surprised that I'm taking care of my mother, and that I own a computer, and that I have tattoos, and that for the most part I'm pretty content with life, well, except that part about looking in the mirror and seeing that I'm not twenty-one anymore.
Malone and me and the fifty question challenge
I've known Malone longer than I've know any other blogger, I think it's been four years this month, and yeah, we sort of drift in and out of each other's internet life, but still, four years is a long time in internet years.
So anyway, Malone contacted me a couple of weeks ago and suggested that we do some sort of cross post/guest post sort of thing, and I said sure, why not, and then he came up with the idea that we should both come up with 50 Questions for the other person to answer, and then post them on our blogs, and I think I'm still making sense, but give me time and I'll eventually wander off on some sort of tangent.
So yeah, so I don't take up too much space I'll post Malone's questions and my questions on a specially designed blog ... ok, this is where I start not making so much sense.
Whatever ...
My Questions for Malone
Malone's Questions for me
And you know what, even though neither of us knew what questions the other person was going to ask, there are a number of our questions that are (cue spooky music) eerily similiar.
I'll start working on my answers sometime today, but I don't know if I'll post all 50 answers in the same post, or, you know, do five here, and then five there, and then five more after that, but ... I will be posting the answers in here and not in the specially designed blog that is just for the questions.
Malone also said that if that anyone had any questions they would like either of us to answer that you should go ahead and ask, because we are both so desperate that we will do almost anything for a little attention.
So anyway, Malone contacted me a couple of weeks ago and suggested that we do some sort of cross post/guest post sort of thing, and I said sure, why not, and then he came up with the idea that we should both come up with 50 Questions for the other person to answer, and then post them on our blogs, and I think I'm still making sense, but give me time and I'll eventually wander off on some sort of tangent.
So yeah, so I don't take up too much space I'll post Malone's questions and my questions on a specially designed blog ... ok, this is where I start not making so much sense.
Whatever ...
My Questions for Malone
Malone's Questions for me
And you know what, even though neither of us knew what questions the other person was going to ask, there are a number of our questions that are (cue spooky music) eerily similiar.
I'll start working on my answers sometime today, but I don't know if I'll post all 50 answers in the same post, or, you know, do five here, and then five there, and then five more after that, but ... I will be posting the answers in here and not in the specially designed blog that is just for the questions.
Malone also said that if that anyone had any questions they would like either of us to answer that you should go ahead and ask, because we are both so desperate that we will do almost anything for a little attention.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
I coulda been a contender
It's been a good day, so I'm going to bed.
Well, it's been a good day except for ...
Well, it's been a good day except for ...
Monday, November 20, 2006
Every story needs a picture
Fresh out of the shower with hair like spun gold,
And if you look closely you can see a devilish gleen in my eyes.
I'm all about the gleen you know, all about the gleen.
And if you look closely you can see a devilish gleen in my eyes.
I'm all about the gleen you know, all about the gleen.
4 step 4 star dining
I am very proud of the dinner I prepared today from leftovers.
Boz's Leftover S-t-t-t-t-t-eamed Supreme
1. A leftover baby red potato,
2. Three small slices of leftover bottom round roast beef.
3. A mixture of frozen cauliflower and broccoli, which really wasn't leftover, it was more frozen, but to make this post work everything had to be a leftover, am I right, so I am using a little poetic license in calling the frozen cauliflower and broccoli leftover.
4. Throw them together in the steamer thingie that I bought at the Dollar Store years and years and years ago, and steam until it's been steamed enough.
I can still hear the cries of my compliments to the chef ringing in my ears.
Yeah, this is what I fixed for MB, me, on the other hand, well, I had a Whopper, a medium fry, a diet Coke, and a Hershey bar with almonds.
Hey, I asked MB is she wanted to go with me, but she said since she is getting her hair done tomorrow she didn't feel like going out today, and she is 85 years old, so I kind of let her do what she wants, and besides, after she gets her hair done I'm going to take her out for deep dish pizza, and not just because it's a Tuesday Special for $5.99, well, yeah, that's mostly it, but still, it's the thought that counts, or is it something else, you know, that counts?
Boz's Leftover S-t-t-t-t-t-eamed Supreme
1. A leftover baby red potato,
2. Three small slices of leftover bottom round roast beef.
3. A mixture of frozen cauliflower and broccoli, which really wasn't leftover, it was more frozen, but to make this post work everything had to be a leftover, am I right, so I am using a little poetic license in calling the frozen cauliflower and broccoli leftover.
4. Throw them together in the steamer thingie that I bought at the Dollar Store years and years and years ago, and steam until it's been steamed enough.
I can still hear the cries of my compliments to the chef ringing in my ears.
Yeah, this is what I fixed for MB, me, on the other hand, well, I had a Whopper, a medium fry, a diet Coke, and a Hershey bar with almonds.
Hey, I asked MB is she wanted to go with me, but she said since she is getting her hair done tomorrow she didn't feel like going out today, and she is 85 years old, so I kind of let her do what she wants, and besides, after she gets her hair done I'm going to take her out for deep dish pizza, and not just because it's a Tuesday Special for $5.99, well, yeah, that's mostly it, but still, it's the thought that counts, or is it something else, you know, that counts?
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Friday, November 17, 2006
Googles
I love my Google search requests ...
Wear my sister's leotard
lovely frock
sandra oh panty gray's anatomy
barber shave gay
lou christie big cock
load in my diaper
bad hips clunks
cocaine "missed the vein"
V-shaped forehead indentation
tracy turnblad song ishkabibble
fat mens underpants, 1930s sign
laurie partridge kidnapped
tom jones+potatoes in his pants
farah fawcett beaver shot in car
everything is everything witchi ti to
dressed up like a girl
why halloween sucks
John Cougar Mellencamp Ferd guitar
ennui compounded
when you gonna buy me a canned ham
Grant Wood American Gothic whoopi goldberg
The thing is, they all make perfect sense to me.
Wear my sister's leotard
lovely frock
sandra oh panty gray's anatomy
barber shave gay
lou christie big cock
load in my diaper
bad hips clunks
cocaine "missed the vein"
V-shaped forehead indentation
tracy turnblad song ishkabibble
fat mens underpants, 1930s sign
laurie partridge kidnapped
tom jones+potatoes in his pants
farah fawcett beaver shot in car
everything is everything witchi ti to
dressed up like a girl
why halloween sucks
John Cougar Mellencamp Ferd guitar
ennui compounded
when you gonna buy me a canned ham
Grant Wood American Gothic whoopi goldberg
The thing is, they all make perfect sense to me.
Porn for the Blind as narrated by Boz
It's is Porn Week over on RW ... BS, and in my quest for new and unique porn I stumbled across a site called Porn For The Blind. To be quite frank with you, I liked their idea, but their execution left a lot to be desired. So, as a public service I decided to do my own version of Porn for the Blind, and it sounds something like this ...
Gabcast! Porn For The Blind by Boz
Gabcast! Porn For The Blind by Boz
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Give that girl some pudding pops
Happy 39th birthday to Lisa Bonet, Yeah, who knew she was that old, and talk about a career that went nowhere fast ...
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Yeah, but she's still a bitch
I had a dream last night that if you took the back off of an appliance that wasn't working and said
Meredith Baxter Birney
Meredith Baxter Birney
Meredith Baxter Birney
the appliance would start working again.
Meredith Baxter Birney
Meredith Baxter Birney
Meredith Baxter Birney
the appliance would start working again.
Monday, November 13, 2006
Deborah really is a pretty name
The first movie star/tv star/actress that I had a crush on was Dorothy Provine.
I guess I was about nine or ten years old, and we only had one television, and the television was a 17 inch Muntz with two broken knobs, so we would use a pair of pliers to change the channels and turn it off and on, and it was in the living room, and it was Saturday night, and Saturday night was my old man's night off, and if he wasn't off bowling, or playing cards, or getting drunk, he would be on the couch, within easy reach of his unfiltered Camels and a cup of coffee, because he never drank beer at home in front of us kids, at least not very often, and my old man OWNED the television, which I guess was ok, because he worked afternoons and only got to watch television on Saturday and Sunday night, and my old man loved Westerns, so on Saturday and Sunday night we watched Western, after Western, after Western, we watched Maverick, we watched Have Gun Will Travel, we watched Gunsmoke, we watched Cheyenne, we watched Sugarfoot, we watched Johnny Ringo, we watched the Rebel, we watched Wagon Train, and we watched The Alaskans, which was more a Northern than a Western, but yeah, I guess it could be categorized as a Western, and it took place during the time of the Alaska gold rush, which I think was in the late 1890's, and it followed the exploits of a couple of gold miners, and a lot of the action took place in a saloon, and one of the dance hall girls, who if it took place today would be a hooker, was played by Dorothy Provine, and it was love at first sight, I mean, look at her, how could it not be, and I knew some day I was going to meet her, and despite the age difference I would win her over with my charm and wit, and I would let her use my Al Kaline autographed baseball glove, but only if she didn't stretch out the fingers, and we would fall in love, and we would get married, and it would be a small wedding with only our immediate families, and the cast and crew of The Alaskans, invited, and let's see, we would have two kids, and they would be twins, and they would be a girl and boy, and we would name them Deborah, because I always liked that name, and Kent, after the cigarette, and I guess the crush lasted until one day when Ron Baxter and Richard Slater and I were hanging around outside Don's Market and we started talking about who we thought were HOT movie stars, and I think Ron said Marilyn Monroe, and I think Richard said Jayne Mansfield, and then I said Dorothy Provine, and after Ron and Richard stopped laughing Richard said who the hell is Dorothy Provine, and I panicked, and said I don't know, I just made her up, what I really meant to say was Sandra Dee, and they both say ahhhhhhhhhhhh, good choice, and as quick as that the crush was over.
I guess I was about nine or ten years old, and we only had one television, and the television was a 17 inch Muntz with two broken knobs, so we would use a pair of pliers to change the channels and turn it off and on, and it was in the living room, and it was Saturday night, and Saturday night was my old man's night off, and if he wasn't off bowling, or playing cards, or getting drunk, he would be on the couch, within easy reach of his unfiltered Camels and a cup of coffee, because he never drank beer at home in front of us kids, at least not very often, and my old man OWNED the television, which I guess was ok, because he worked afternoons and only got to watch television on Saturday and Sunday night, and my old man loved Westerns, so on Saturday and Sunday night we watched Western, after Western, after Western, we watched Maverick, we watched Have Gun Will Travel, we watched Gunsmoke, we watched Cheyenne, we watched Sugarfoot, we watched Johnny Ringo, we watched the Rebel, we watched Wagon Train, and we watched The Alaskans, which was more a Northern than a Western, but yeah, I guess it could be categorized as a Western, and it took place during the time of the Alaska gold rush, which I think was in the late 1890's, and it followed the exploits of a couple of gold miners, and a lot of the action took place in a saloon, and one of the dance hall girls, who if it took place today would be a hooker, was played by Dorothy Provine, and it was love at first sight, I mean, look at her, how could it not be, and I knew some day I was going to meet her, and despite the age difference I would win her over with my charm and wit, and I would let her use my Al Kaline autographed baseball glove, but only if she didn't stretch out the fingers, and we would fall in love, and we would get married, and it would be a small wedding with only our immediate families, and the cast and crew of The Alaskans, invited, and let's see, we would have two kids, and they would be twins, and they would be a girl and boy, and we would name them Deborah, because I always liked that name, and Kent, after the cigarette, and I guess the crush lasted until one day when Ron Baxter and Richard Slater and I were hanging around outside Don's Market and we started talking about who we thought were HOT movie stars, and I think Ron said Marilyn Monroe, and I think Richard said Jayne Mansfield, and then I said Dorothy Provine, and after Ron and Richard stopped laughing Richard said who the hell is Dorothy Provine, and I panicked, and said I don't know, I just made her up, what I really meant to say was Sandra Dee, and they both say ahhhhhhhhhhhh, good choice, and as quick as that the crush was over.
What we have here is a failure to communicate
Cool Hand Luke was on tv last night ...
And sometimes nothing is a real cool hand.
And sometimes nothing is a real cool hand.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
To prove that I am serious
I bought this pair of pants with a 36 inch waist the other day. As you can tell I can't button them. I will not be satisfied with my diet until they fit comfortably.
Don't worry, they only cost three dollars off the clearance rack at the Evil Empire.
Don't worry, they only cost three dollars off the clearance rack at the Evil Empire.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
It's November, I can't help it
I can't sleep tonight, which is odd because I have been sleeping so well lately.
I tripped over my exercise bike in the dark while walking to the bathroom. Don't worry I'm cool though.
The wind is really blowing outside, something like 40 mile an hour gusts, and we had a lot of thunder earlier, and there is a winter storm advisory until 6 am, and we are supposed to get between 4-6 inches of snow, but it hasn't started snowing yet, so it had better start soon because it's getting close to 6 am, and I just heard a train whistle, and that always sounds kind of spooky when it's dark and windy and weather advisory out.
I guess that's it.
No wait, there is something else, but I'm tired now, so I guess it can wait.
Did I tell you that I'm on a diet?
Yeah, I plan on getting down to 200 pounds by March. I've lost about five pounds so far, so I've got a ways to go, ok, I might as well admit that I was up to 243 pounds, and yeah, I know, I don't look it, but it's all in my gut, and you know, with my spinal problems and stuff it is probably a good idea to lose a little weight to make it easier on my joints and stuff because I am in those osteo-arthritis years, and yeah, some of it is vanity too, and seriously, I already feel a lot better, I'm getting my cat like moves back, I'm a pretty agile guy, you didn't know that, did you. Ok, tripping over my exercise bike could have happened to anyone, that had nothing to do with agility, see, it was dark, and I was half asleep, so yeah, I really am pretty agile.
Ok, I think I know why I can't sleep. I had a glass of Dr Pepper at about seven tonight and that's loaded with caffeine, and did you know I've practically cut all caffeine out of my diet, and that is why I have been sleeping so well, well, except for tonight, but that's because of the Dr Pepper, and yeah, the no caffeine thing is really cool, I don't even crave it any more, you see, I started by changing to caffeine free diet soda, and you'd be surprised how fast you can get the caffeine jones off of your back, and after a week or so of nothing but caffeine free soda you lose the taste for soda, so yeah, I mostly drink water now, about two liters a day, and that is the real reason why I tripped over my exercise bike in the dark while walking to the bathroom, it's because when you drink two liters of water a day you go to the bathroom a lot, well, duh.
Now that I've got that off my chest I can go to bed with a cleansed soul and a slight bruise on my knee, but I think I should make another trip to the bathroom first.
The end
I tripped over my exercise bike in the dark while walking to the bathroom. Don't worry I'm cool though.
The wind is really blowing outside, something like 40 mile an hour gusts, and we had a lot of thunder earlier, and there is a winter storm advisory until 6 am, and we are supposed to get between 4-6 inches of snow, but it hasn't started snowing yet, so it had better start soon because it's getting close to 6 am, and I just heard a train whistle, and that always sounds kind of spooky when it's dark and windy and weather advisory out.
I guess that's it.
No wait, there is something else, but I'm tired now, so I guess it can wait.
Did I tell you that I'm on a diet?
Yeah, I plan on getting down to 200 pounds by March. I've lost about five pounds so far, so I've got a ways to go, ok, I might as well admit that I was up to 243 pounds, and yeah, I know, I don't look it, but it's all in my gut, and you know, with my spinal problems and stuff it is probably a good idea to lose a little weight to make it easier on my joints and stuff because I am in those osteo-arthritis years, and yeah, some of it is vanity too, and seriously, I already feel a lot better, I'm getting my cat like moves back, I'm a pretty agile guy, you didn't know that, did you. Ok, tripping over my exercise bike could have happened to anyone, that had nothing to do with agility, see, it was dark, and I was half asleep, so yeah, I really am pretty agile.
Ok, I think I know why I can't sleep. I had a glass of Dr Pepper at about seven tonight and that's loaded with caffeine, and did you know I've practically cut all caffeine out of my diet, and that is why I have been sleeping so well, well, except for tonight, but that's because of the Dr Pepper, and yeah, the no caffeine thing is really cool, I don't even crave it any more, you see, I started by changing to caffeine free diet soda, and you'd be surprised how fast you can get the caffeine jones off of your back, and after a week or so of nothing but caffeine free soda you lose the taste for soda, so yeah, I mostly drink water now, about two liters a day, and that is the real reason why I tripped over my exercise bike in the dark while walking to the bathroom, it's because when you drink two liters of water a day you go to the bathroom a lot, well, duh.
Now that I've got that off my chest I can go to bed with a cleansed soul and a slight bruise on my knee, but I think I should make another trip to the bathroom first.
The end
Friday, November 10, 2006
Continuing with the "making stuff up" theme
Ten Google searches that brought people to my blog
1. It's not the ennui, it's the humidity.
2. Is Chez Whiz an acceptable means of post coitus birth control?
3. Celebrities with mongoloid children, is this the latest fad?
4. How do I get a pair of underpants off of my head without touching them?
5. I remember when the alphabet had more than 26 letters, or was this a dream?
6. In what countries can you marry a goat without being laughed at?
7. That time Mick Jagger had sex with the Utah Jazz basketball team and had to get his stomach pumped.
8. Does it increase you chances of getting pregnant if your dog watches?
9. How can I stop thinking about gay sex with one of the apostles when I am in church?
10. What are the rest of the lyrics to that song that starts out "I've got a condom in my pocket and murder on my mind"?
1. It's not the ennui, it's the humidity.
2. Is Chez Whiz an acceptable means of post coitus birth control?
3. Celebrities with mongoloid children, is this the latest fad?
4. How do I get a pair of underpants off of my head without touching them?
5. I remember when the alphabet had more than 26 letters, or was this a dream?
6. In what countries can you marry a goat without being laughed at?
7. That time Mick Jagger had sex with the Utah Jazz basketball team and had to get his stomach pumped.
8. Does it increase you chances of getting pregnant if your dog watches?
9. How can I stop thinking about gay sex with one of the apostles when I am in church?
10. What are the rest of the lyrics to that song that starts out "I've got a condom in my pocket and murder on my mind"?
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Stuff, just stuff, ok, just stuff
I don't know what to say, but it's really dead around here, so maybe I should make something up, you know instead of taking something that actually happened and lying about it, but what's the difference really.
Ten things I just made up while sitting here.
1. My third leg just fell off.
2. I'm taking Ed Bradley's place on 60 Minutes.
3. Donald Rumsfeld cried on my shoulder last night.
4. I have a dog that farts the melodies to all the songs on Beatles 65.
5. In a past life I was a pirate, no, not a pirate, but like a pirate, you know a brigand, yeah, in a past life I was a brigand.
6. I have a xmas tree decorated with the underpants of all the women I have had sex with.
7. I'm the guy who put the mouse in a bottle of Coca-Cola.
8. I wanted to put a moose in a bottle of Coca-Cola but I didn't even make it past the moose knuckle.
9. My last unfulfilled sexual fantasy is to have sex with a woman with a cast on her leg, preferably her right leg, ok, that's not something I just made up, it's sort of true, and it's not my last unfulfilled fantasy either.
10. There used to be two countries named Irao and Irap located between Iran and Iraq, but the League of Nations disappeared them after WWI.
Ten things I just made up while sitting here.
1. My third leg just fell off.
2. I'm taking Ed Bradley's place on 60 Minutes.
3. Donald Rumsfeld cried on my shoulder last night.
4. I have a dog that farts the melodies to all the songs on Beatles 65.
5. In a past life I was a pirate, no, not a pirate, but like a pirate, you know a brigand, yeah, in a past life I was a brigand.
6. I have a xmas tree decorated with the underpants of all the women I have had sex with.
7. I'm the guy who put the mouse in a bottle of Coca-Cola.
8. I wanted to put a moose in a bottle of Coca-Cola but I didn't even make it past the moose knuckle.
9. My last unfulfilled sexual fantasy is to have sex with a woman with a cast on her leg, preferably her right leg, ok, that's not something I just made up, it's sort of true, and it's not my last unfulfilled fantasy either.
10. There used to be two countries named Irao and Irap located between Iran and Iraq, but the League of Nations disappeared them after WWI.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Tuesday in the fog.
So anyway ...
After I voted today I took MB out for pizza at Hungry Howie's, they have a large deep dish with one topping for $5.99 on Tuesday.
On the way to Howie's, and isn't that a great name for a pizza joint ... HOWIE!!!
So anyway ...
On the way to Howie's (HOWIE!!!) we listened to the Beast of Boz #8 CD, and sung along as Steppenwolf sang The Pusher, and whenever the chorus of goddamn the pusher man came up MB would practically scream it out ...
God Damn! The pusher.
God Damn! God damn the pusher.
I said God Damn! God damn the pusher man.
I think she is still pissed off about the 90 days she spent in the L.A. County Jail back in the 40's when her and Robert Mitchum got busted for reefer possession at that party out in Laurel Canyon.
After I voted today I took MB out for pizza at Hungry Howie's, they have a large deep dish with one topping for $5.99 on Tuesday.
On the way to Howie's, and isn't that a great name for a pizza joint ... HOWIE!!!
So anyway ...
On the way to Howie's (HOWIE!!!) we listened to the Beast of Boz #8 CD, and sung along as Steppenwolf sang The Pusher, and whenever the chorus of goddamn the pusher man came up MB would practically scream it out ...
God Damn! The pusher.
God Damn! God damn the pusher.
I said God Damn! God damn the pusher man.
I think she is still pissed off about the 90 days she spent in the L.A. County Jail back in the 40's when her and Robert Mitchum got busted for reefer possession at that party out in Laurel Canyon.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Blah
I'm not feeling good today.
So it's all up to you.
I wish I had some Bosco.
And a fine figure of a woman like Maureen O'Hara.
Maureen O'Hara, a fine figure of a woman with a hint, just a hint, of a pokie.
A fine figure OF a woman, not like a woman ...
I don't want to be a woman, I think I should make that perfectly clear.
I'm just trying to say that Maureen O'Hara has a fine womanly figure, you know, with curves and stuff. I mean just because I dressed like a girl that one time for halloween doesn't mean anything.
Ok?
Fine!!!
You guys twist everything I say around, and I'm getting sick and tired of it.
So it's all up to you.
I wish I had some Bosco.
And a fine figure of a woman like Maureen O'Hara.
Maureen O'Hara, a fine figure of a woman with a hint, just a hint, of a pokie.
A fine figure OF a woman, not like a woman ...
I don't want to be a woman, I think I should make that perfectly clear.
I'm just trying to say that Maureen O'Hara has a fine womanly figure, you know, with curves and stuff. I mean just because I dressed like a girl that one time for halloween doesn't mean anything.
Ok?
Fine!!!
You guys twist everything I say around, and I'm getting sick and tired of it.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Friday, November 03, 2006
My sister's wedding, December 1961
MB just put her copy of my eldest sister's wedding album on the coffee table.
Mad dash for the garter ... guess who wins?
The girl who caught the bouquet gets manhandled by me.
She kept saying "That's high enough, that's high enough".
Mad dash for the garter ... guess who wins?
The girl who caught the bouquet gets manhandled by me.
She kept saying "That's high enough, that's high enough".
Musings and brusings
Songs I've heard tonight that I've liked.
1. 1979 - Smashing Pumpkins.
We had our third train derailment in the last two months in East Tawain today.
I got a haircut today.
I don't think the two events are related.
I want to lose 20 pounds by March so my family doctor won't yell at me when I go for my annual check-up.
I went to bed last night at one in the morning and fell asleep almost immediately and I slept right through to morning, and right through morning into afternoon.
I think cutting back drastically on caffiene had something to do with it.
I drink tap water out of an Aquafina bottle.
I think the garbage man was being a little passive-aggressive with me today. He set two of the cans right back where they were, and he sort of flung the one that had my dead jack-o-lantern in it half way across the yard. Well, this is what I think he did. I didn't actually see him do it. Maybe I shouldn't judge him so harshly. So, Mr. Garbage Man, if you are reading this, I am sorry if I judged you harshly, and honest to god, if you leave a comment I'll link you.
2. Personality Crisis - The New York Dolls
I rode my brand new used exercise bike for a half hour today. The seat doesn't chafe, thank god.
My neck hurts tonight, but I don't think it has anything to do with anything. I think it just hurts.
I was really nice to the cute girl who waited on me at the store today, but not because she was cute, but because she reminded me of someone else, and I guess because I am generally nice to the cute girls who wait on me even if they aren't cute.
3. Curly Headed Baby - Doc Watson
I wish I could play the guitar. Did I ever tell you that when I was a teenager I bought a Fender Telecaster for $200.00 which I sold for $2,000.00 ten years ago? I could have been the next Duane Eddy, or maybe the next Dwayne Wayne. When my sister was in high school the star of the basketball team, whose name was Doine pronounced Duane or Dwayne, asked her out on a date, and she turned him down ... she turned down the star of the basketball team ... she turned him down!!!
4. Alison - Elvis Costello
I always thought it was spelled Allison. I see has a husband now.
The same sister who turned down the date with the star basketball player was in Memphis on vacation on the day that Elvis Presley died. She was so proud of her Memphis newspaper with the King is Dead
headline.
5. I Ran All The Way Home - The Impalas
The same sister took me to a Donkey Basketball Game at the junior high school when she was in junior high school and I was in elementary school and then she ditched me to hang out with friends.
6. The Love You Save - Joe Tex
Who'll take the woman with the skinny legs? When I was in high school there was a guy whose hair would just randomly fall out and then grow back in again. That must have sucked big time. I think there is a name for that. Seriously, that really must have sucked. I mean since we didn't have any albinos in my class he was the guy everyone would stare and point at, except for the girl with the skeletal leg disease, she didn't point and stare at anyone, except for maybe that one time she saw an albino kid, and she probably couldn't help herself.
7. So You Want To Be A Rock & Roll Star - The Byrds.
I think everything is going to be alright. We had snow flurries today. On this date in 1969 I was in Mississippi. When I was playing touch football one time down in Mississippi, when I was in the air force and going to tech school, when I was playing football one time a guy ran into the metal hand rail on the stairs leading to the second floor of the barracks and impaled himself a good two inches.
8. Sunny Goodge Street - Donovan
I'm starting to get a little sleepy. I'd go to bed and turn on Turner Classic Movies, but they are having an Ingmar Bergman festival tonight, and damn, I spelled his name right on the first try, but it took me five tries to spell try correctly.
9. I Can't Hide - The Flamin' Groovies
I'm just randonly picking out songs now. I mean they are alright, but I wouldn't call them songs I've heard that I like tonight.
My head has just started wobbling around right here on top of my shoulders, now I know what Michael J. Fox must feel like, kind of, sort of, you know when he is doing the whole stem cell research thing.
10. Do You Wanna Hold Me - Bow Wow Wow
So yeah, the 80's were strange. I mean, I'm a guy, and even I wanted to wear leg warmers and take off my bra under my sweatshirt like Jennifer Beals. Stem cell research NOW!!!
1. 1979 - Smashing Pumpkins.
We had our third train derailment in the last two months in East Tawain today.
I got a haircut today.
I don't think the two events are related.
I want to lose 20 pounds by March so my family doctor won't yell at me when I go for my annual check-up.
I went to bed last night at one in the morning and fell asleep almost immediately and I slept right through to morning, and right through morning into afternoon.
I think cutting back drastically on caffiene had something to do with it.
I drink tap water out of an Aquafina bottle.
I think the garbage man was being a little passive-aggressive with me today. He set two of the cans right back where they were, and he sort of flung the one that had my dead jack-o-lantern in it half way across the yard. Well, this is what I think he did. I didn't actually see him do it. Maybe I shouldn't judge him so harshly. So, Mr. Garbage Man, if you are reading this, I am sorry if I judged you harshly, and honest to god, if you leave a comment I'll link you.
2. Personality Crisis - The New York Dolls
I rode my brand new used exercise bike for a half hour today. The seat doesn't chafe, thank god.
My neck hurts tonight, but I don't think it has anything to do with anything. I think it just hurts.
I was really nice to the cute girl who waited on me at the store today, but not because she was cute, but because she reminded me of someone else, and I guess because I am generally nice to the cute girls who wait on me even if they aren't cute.
3. Curly Headed Baby - Doc Watson
I wish I could play the guitar. Did I ever tell you that when I was a teenager I bought a Fender Telecaster for $200.00 which I sold for $2,000.00 ten years ago? I could have been the next Duane Eddy, or maybe the next Dwayne Wayne. When my sister was in high school the star of the basketball team, whose name was Doine pronounced Duane or Dwayne, asked her out on a date, and she turned him down ... she turned down the star of the basketball team ... she turned him down!!!
4. Alison - Elvis Costello
I always thought it was spelled Allison. I see has a husband now.
The same sister who turned down the date with the star basketball player was in Memphis on vacation on the day that Elvis Presley died. She was so proud of her Memphis newspaper with the King is Dead
headline.
5. I Ran All The Way Home - The Impalas
The same sister took me to a Donkey Basketball Game at the junior high school when she was in junior high school and I was in elementary school and then she ditched me to hang out with friends.
6. The Love You Save - Joe Tex
Who'll take the woman with the skinny legs? When I was in high school there was a guy whose hair would just randomly fall out and then grow back in again. That must have sucked big time. I think there is a name for that. Seriously, that really must have sucked. I mean since we didn't have any albinos in my class he was the guy everyone would stare and point at, except for the girl with the skeletal leg disease, she didn't point and stare at anyone, except for maybe that one time she saw an albino kid, and she probably couldn't help herself.
7. So You Want To Be A Rock & Roll Star - The Byrds.
I think everything is going to be alright. We had snow flurries today. On this date in 1969 I was in Mississippi. When I was playing touch football one time down in Mississippi, when I was in the air force and going to tech school, when I was playing football one time a guy ran into the metal hand rail on the stairs leading to the second floor of the barracks and impaled himself a good two inches.
8. Sunny Goodge Street - Donovan
I'm starting to get a little sleepy. I'd go to bed and turn on Turner Classic Movies, but they are having an Ingmar Bergman festival tonight, and damn, I spelled his name right on the first try, but it took me five tries to spell try correctly.
9. I Can't Hide - The Flamin' Groovies
I'm just randonly picking out songs now. I mean they are alright, but I wouldn't call them songs I've heard that I like tonight.
My head has just started wobbling around right here on top of my shoulders, now I know what Michael J. Fox must feel like, kind of, sort of, you know when he is doing the whole stem cell research thing.
10. Do You Wanna Hold Me - Bow Wow Wow
So yeah, the 80's were strange. I mean, I'm a guy, and even I wanted to wear leg warmers and take off my bra under my sweatshirt like Jennifer Beals. Stem cell research NOW!!!
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
What I did today
1. I bought a used exercise bike at St. Vincent De Paul's for five bucks.
2. I cut my finger while trying to fit my exercise bike in the trunk of my car.
3. I washed the stuff that I hope was dirt off my exercise bike.
4. I rode my exercise bike.
5. I kept hitting my knees on the handlebars of my exercise bike.
6. I turned the handlebars on my exercise bike around and put them on backwards.
7. I quit hitting my knees on the handlebars of my exercise bike.
8. I rode my exercise bike some more.
9. I decorated my exercise bike with Bettie Page stickers.
10. I wrote this post about my exercise bike.
2. I cut my finger while trying to fit my exercise bike in the trunk of my car.
3. I washed the stuff that I hope was dirt off my exercise bike.
4. I rode my exercise bike.
5. I kept hitting my knees on the handlebars of my exercise bike.
6. I turned the handlebars on my exercise bike around and put them on backwards.
7. I quit hitting my knees on the handlebars of my exercise bike.
8. I rode my exercise bike some more.
9. I decorated my exercise bike with Bettie Page stickers.
10. I wrote this post about my exercise bike.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
My scariest halloween
Originally posted on the RW ... BS in October 2004.
The story is completely true ... dun dun dun.
My scariest halloween was when I was 12 years old and the last time I went out trick or treating.
Wesley and I started out together but after going down Quinkert and Park we decided to split up, he wanted to go down Ruthdale and Kelly, while I wanted to go down Common Road and Eastland.
Ruthdale and Kelly were part of our subdivision and there were a lot of houses, but that also meant a lot of kids and the chance that the houses had already run out of candy.
Common Road and Eastland were streets that bordered our subdivision where there were fewer, but nicer houses increasing your chances of getting better candy. The down side was there was a lot of traffic and the streets were both dark and scary at night.
I went down Common Road first and it was good. I ran into a lot of friends and made a pretty good haul, and then I cut over to Eastland.
It was getting pretty late, I guess it must have been about eight thirty and a lot of the houses on Eastland had already turned their porchlights off, but there were still a few lights on and damned if I was going to waste my last trick or treating night.
Oh yeah, I guess I should have told you what I dressed up as.
Umm, well you see, I had a mother and two sisters and ...
Yeah, I dressed up like a girl.
Dress, hat, make-up, the whole nine yards.
I feel such shame relating this now some forty years later.
You've seen pictures of me at that age, I looked a little fey on the best of days.
It got to be a drag, no pun intended, when I had to take off my hat and show off my brushcut to prove that I was really a guy.
So, I'm walking down Eastland, and there is this house back off the street maybe a couple of hundred feet. The house was dark, but they did have a red porch light on so I went up and gave it a shot.
I yelled out "trick or treat" and the door creaked open slightly and this guy dressed like the devil stuck his head out.
It freaked me a little bit. He was wearing some kind of red leotard outfit complete with horns and tail and an evil little devil mustache, and don't forget that the house was dark!
In a real low spooky voice he said that I really didn't deserve any candy because I didn't dress up, then I said "hey, I'm a guy" and took off my hat.
He got an evil gleam in his eye and sort of looked around and said "ok, ok, ok, the candy is in the kitchen, come on inside and wait while I get if for you."
Duhhhhhhh, I may have fallen off the pumpkin truck but I hadn't fallen off it the night before.
I made some excuse like I had to get home and get my sister's clothes back to her or something.
He sounded disappointed and tried to coax me in ...
I said I really had to get going.
He told me it would only take a minute and then he opened the door and grabbed my arm.
Man, was I scared, I didn't know whether to faint or kick him in the balls.
I broke loose started running away and with a voice choked with false bravado I called him a dumb stupid queer.
I didn't stop running till I was just a couple houses from home.
But I didn't tell my parents, I didn't tell anybody.
In fact this is the first time that I have told anybody about ...
dun dun dun
My Brush With Halloween Hell!!!
The story is completely true ... dun dun dun.
My scariest halloween was when I was 12 years old and the last time I went out trick or treating.
Wesley and I started out together but after going down Quinkert and Park we decided to split up, he wanted to go down Ruthdale and Kelly, while I wanted to go down Common Road and Eastland.
Ruthdale and Kelly were part of our subdivision and there were a lot of houses, but that also meant a lot of kids and the chance that the houses had already run out of candy.
Common Road and Eastland were streets that bordered our subdivision where there were fewer, but nicer houses increasing your chances of getting better candy. The down side was there was a lot of traffic and the streets were both dark and scary at night.
I went down Common Road first and it was good. I ran into a lot of friends and made a pretty good haul, and then I cut over to Eastland.
It was getting pretty late, I guess it must have been about eight thirty and a lot of the houses on Eastland had already turned their porchlights off, but there were still a few lights on and damned if I was going to waste my last trick or treating night.
Oh yeah, I guess I should have told you what I dressed up as.
Umm, well you see, I had a mother and two sisters and ...
Yeah, I dressed up like a girl.
Dress, hat, make-up, the whole nine yards.
I feel such shame relating this now some forty years later.
You've seen pictures of me at that age, I looked a little fey on the best of days.
It got to be a drag, no pun intended, when I had to take off my hat and show off my brushcut to prove that I was really a guy.
So, I'm walking down Eastland, and there is this house back off the street maybe a couple of hundred feet. The house was dark, but they did have a red porch light on so I went up and gave it a shot.
I yelled out "trick or treat" and the door creaked open slightly and this guy dressed like the devil stuck his head out.
It freaked me a little bit. He was wearing some kind of red leotard outfit complete with horns and tail and an evil little devil mustache, and don't forget that the house was dark!
In a real low spooky voice he said that I really didn't deserve any candy because I didn't dress up, then I said "hey, I'm a guy" and took off my hat.
He got an evil gleam in his eye and sort of looked around and said "ok, ok, ok, the candy is in the kitchen, come on inside and wait while I get if for you."
Duhhhhhhh, I may have fallen off the pumpkin truck but I hadn't fallen off it the night before.
I made some excuse like I had to get home and get my sister's clothes back to her or something.
He sounded disappointed and tried to coax me in ...
I said I really had to get going.
He told me it would only take a minute and then he opened the door and grabbed my arm.
Man, was I scared, I didn't know whether to faint or kick him in the balls.
I broke loose started running away and with a voice choked with false bravado I called him a dumb stupid queer.
I didn't stop running till I was just a couple houses from home.
But I didn't tell my parents, I didn't tell anybody.
In fact this is the first time that I have told anybody about ...
dun dun dun
My Brush With Halloween Hell!!!
Monday, October 30, 2006
Sunday, October 29, 2006
My pumpkin has melanoma
So anyway, I discovered last night that my pumpkin has melanoma and it it getting worse by the day. I am afraid it will have to go under the knife tomorrow if there is to be any hope of saving it. Knife ... tomorrow ... get it???
Man, I love good pumpkin humor.
In other news.
The first day of my new BOZDIET™ went well. I didn't eat until 3:30 pm, and I suffered no ill effects besides the usual paranoia and self-loathing, but I attributed that more to the end of DST than I did to the new BOZDIET™. Also, while at the drug store I was able to resist the siren song of the Cadbury Milk Chocolate Bar that so enticingly beckoned me.
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