If I didn't hurt how would I know I existed?

I'm pretty stoked right now.
I just weighed myself, and I know you aren't supposed to weigh yourself at night, and that you're supposed to weigh yourself first thing in the morning, but I just weighed myself, and it's night, and I've lost twelve pounds since I've started my diet, which I guess I started a little over a month ago, or a lot less than two months ago, and yeah, twelve pounds is a lot, and that's probably why my pants are slipping off my hips, and hold on a minute, I'm going to go weigh myself again just to make sure.
Yes, I've still lost twelve pounds, and if I lift my toes off the scale I can almost make it thirteen pounds, but that would be cheating, and it'll probably be thirteen pounds in a week or two anyway, so what's the big hurry, it's not like I'm going anywhere, except to the hospital tomorrow for the prick test, which is not the kind of test that it sounds like, but I kind of wish it was, but no, it's where they stick needles into my foot, and leg, and wherever else they feel they should stick needles, and the needles are hooked up to electrodes or something, and then there is some kind of computer print out, and this will tell them why the fuck my extremities on my left side are always numb, and why the extremities on my right side are numb but not always, and by extremities I mean my foot, and my lower leg, and my hand, and my lower arm, and not the other extremity that you thought of when I said it was the prick test, and it's actually called an EMG, which stands for Electro MSomething GSomething, and if you give me a second I'll look at my paperwork and tell you what it stands for, and I just checked and it stands for Electromygraphy, and it's a test used to detect and diagnose disorders of muscles, nerves, and the spinal cord, and it's a sensitive and precise test that can detect pinched nerves or nerve damage due to injury, ruptured disc, or other causes, and yadda yadda yadda, it is supposed to hurt, I mean even the doctors say it is supposed to hurt, but I had an EMG about seven or eight years ago, and it didn't hurt, not even a little bit, and actually, it was quite relaxing, and ok, even a bit stimulating in a sexual non sexual sort of way, and damn my back is killing me right now, from when I picked up that tv set about ten days ago, and you'd think that would have healed by now, but whatever, so I'm going to bed now.