Malone the Elusive answers his 50 questions from Boz

Malone answers my 50 questions, and I wonder if he'll ever post them on his blog.

1. Would you rather be a dead rock star or a dead Kennedy?

Rock is dead and most of the Kennedy’s anyway – so…just me, I guess. And alive.

2. If your best friend came up behind you, right now as you are
sitting at the computer, what would he most likely say to you?

Who the fuck is this? – and I’d say, “the Co-Dependents, bitch!”

3. Singer Tom Waits once said "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me
than a frontal lobotomy" do you agree or disagree with this statement?

I thought that was Groucho Marx…Ummm…drink!

4. If you could watch two bloggers performing a sex act with one
another, what two bloggers would you choose, and what would their sex
act be?

Crap - that sucks because I’m not to “Hep” with the scene as much as I used to be – so off the top of my head, I’ll just say dark-haired Raymi and light-haired Raymi and a puppet?

5. Who is your favorite Stooge not named Curley?

Moe.

6. What is the Mann Act and have you ever violated it?

Dry-roasted sunflower kernels.

7. Is there anything under your bed that could get you in trouble?

Cats. Not the musical.

8. If some guy who worked behind the counter of a convenience store
told you that he was the second coming of Jesus Christ what would he
have to do to convince you that he really was?

He’d have to introduce me to the first.


9. If you promised to pick someone up in your car but you forgot all
about it what would you tell them happened?

The explanation would never come until I was backed in a conversational corner.

10. Do you own any Hawaiian shirts?

Used to wear them all of the time. Now I have one that I never wear. There was that one that melted onto my abdomen after I fell asleep with a lit cigarette…

11. Who is the dwarf from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs that you can
never remember the name of?

Hank The Angry.

12. How are you going to die?

Painfully and full of regret.

13. Do you have trouble taking a leak in a public rest room if someone
is using the urinal next to you?

Pooping, yes.

14. If they made a movie of your life who would play your 11th grade
English teacher?

Ryan Gosling.

15. What's the funniest joke you can remember from when you were eight
years old?

“You’ll understand when you’re older.”

16. If you could invite 5 famous murderers, past or present, to a
theme dinner party who would you invite, and what would the theme be?

Union Carbide, American Politics, Brian Michael Bendis, God and American Idol. Theme? Apocalypse Now(er).

17. Pancho or Lefty?

Sancho.

18. If you were walking down the street and you saw a little girl
crying in front of a burning house and she told you that her kitten
was trapped in the house would you run in and try to save the kitten?

Yes, but after saving the kitten – I would make the little girl my personal assistant.

19. If you had a world map how long would it take you to find Albania?

In a significantly shorter amount of time than it would take Albania to find me.

20. Could you eat 50 hard-boiled eggs in an hour if there was money
riding on the outcome?

I eat like a pacifistic Ghandhi.

21. What is your favorite Chick Flick?

The Notebook.

22. What was your last nightmare?

Last night.

23. If a cousin you hadn't seen for at least ten years needed a new
kidney, and you were a match, would you donate one of yours?

If she was hot, yes. Otherwise? Nien! No. Nope. Nunca.

24. When you are on a drive in the country and you pass a cow in a
field do you go mooooo?

I’ve never passed a COW. Ummm…

25. Have you ever been mistaken for a celebrity?

I get Mark Anthony, The guy from Animal Planet’s animal outtakes thing. And James Woods.

26. How many refrigerator magnets do you have on your refrigerator?

15

27. What do you do when you get a really bad headache?

I get drinking faster.

28. If someone orders a pizza with a topping that you don't like what do you?

I get drinking faster.

29. If I came out to visit how long before you'd kick me out?

I would never kick you out of your hotel.

30. When you go out for breakfast and the waitress asks you what kind
of toast you want what do you tell her?

Bud Light, please. Sourdough, if you have it.

31. Do you have trouble with the instructions on the pumps at
self-serve gas stations?

Just the pay by card thingy.

32. Do you have trouble with the fact that some people consider you
the baby Jesus?

Tickle-Me-Jesus.

33. What is the most interesting thing that has happened to you in,
on, or near a tree?

Buried a placenta and then got hungry after all that work and dug it back up.

34. If you could visit any tourist attraction in the United States,
that you had never visited before, which one would you choose?

Jenna Jameson’s house.

35. What is your most annoying habit?

Working.

36. What does your girl friend think is your most annoying habit? Go
ahead ask her, I'll wait.

Falling asleep eating candy in the bed. Huh?

37. What country has the best national anthem?

Borat’s.

38. Do you do any impressions?

One of a caring human being.

39. What is your blues name?

Hamster Ham Bone Hamlin.

40. How many pillows are on your bed?

5

41. If you were a super hero what would be your weakness or Achilles Heel?

Groupies.

42. What are the contents of the waste paper basket that is nearest to
where you are sitting?

Sorry. None. I did just eat a grapefruit, though.

43. Who fired the shot from the grassy knoll?

RFK, JR, The BTK Killer or DJ Tanner.

44. Do you pick up hitchhikers?

No, I used to hitchhike when I was younger and stopped when I moved to OC.

45. If the 7-11 is out of your brand of cigarettes what's your second choice?

Ugh. American Spirits.

46. If the need arose, would you be able to stuff a body in the trunk
of your car?

I’ll do it for you.

47. Why is there a "y" and a second "n"?

Because that’s what The Oracle told me to do when I was at Delphi High.

48. Do you know of anyone who is jealous of you?

Little kids that like my toys, paints and uneaten Pez.

49. How long do you think you could live on the food scraps under the
cushions of your couch?

Crap. I don’t think I’ve ever looked under the cushions. Okay, I just did and my girlfriend is too clean to have anything under there. There isn’t even lint. Nothing.

50. So, seriously Malone, what's your excuse?

I was drunk.