My scariest halloween

Originally posted on the RW ... BS in October 2004.

The story is completely true ... dun dun dun.
My scariest halloween was when I was 12 years old and the last time I went out trick or treating.
Wesley and I started out together but after going down Quinkert and Park we decided to split up, he wanted to go down Ruthdale and Kelly, while I wanted to go down Common Road and Eastland.
Ruthdale and Kelly were part of our subdivision and there were a lot of houses, but that also meant a lot of kids and the chance that the houses had already run out of candy.
Common Road and Eastland were streets that bordered our subdivision where there were fewer, but nicer houses increasing your chances of getting better candy. The down side was there was a lot of traffic and the streets were both dark and scary at night.
I went down Common Road first and it was good. I ran into a lot of friends and made a pretty good haul, and then I cut over to Eastland.
It was getting pretty late, I guess it must have been about eight thirty and a lot of the houses on Eastland had already turned their porchlights off, but there were still a few lights on and damned if I was going to waste my last trick or treating night.
Oh yeah, I guess I should have told you what I dressed up as.
Umm, well you see, I had a mother and two sisters and ...
Yeah, I dressed up like a girl.
Dress, hat, make-up, the whole nine yards.
I feel such shame relating this now some forty years later.
You've seen pictures of me at that age, I looked a little fey on the best of days.
It got to be a drag, no pun intended, when I had to take off my hat and show off my brushcut to prove that I was really a guy.
So, I'm walking down Eastland, and there is this house back off the street maybe a couple of hundred feet. The house was dark, but they did have a red porch light on so I went up and gave it a shot.
I yelled out "trick or treat" and the door creaked open slightly and this guy dressed like the devil stuck his head out.
It freaked me a little bit. He was wearing some kind of red leotard outfit complete with horns and tail and an evil little devil mustache, and don't forget that the house was dark!
In a real low spooky voice he said that I really didn't deserve any candy because I didn't dress up, then I said "hey, I'm a guy" and took off my hat.
He got an evil gleam in his eye and sort of looked around and said "ok, ok, ok, the candy is in the kitchen, come on inside and wait while I get if for you."
Duhhhhhhh, I may have fallen off the pumpkin truck but I hadn't fallen off it the night before.
I made some excuse like I had to get home and get my sister's clothes back to her or something.
He sounded disappointed and tried to coax me in ...
I said I really had to get going.
He told me it would only take a minute and then he opened the door and grabbed my arm.
Man, was I scared, I didn't know whether to faint or kick him in the balls.
I broke loose started running away and with a voice choked with false bravado I called him a dumb stupid queer.
I didn't stop running till I was just a couple houses from home.
But I didn't tell my parents, I didn't tell anybody.
In fact this is the first time that I have told anybody about ...
dun dun dun
My Brush With Halloween Hell!!!

My pumpkin, right or wrong, my pumpkin

If you act within the next thirty minutes I will include at no extra cost ...

The BOZDIET™ Attempted Infomercial

My pumpkin has melanoma

So anyway, I discovered last night that my pumpkin has melanoma and it it getting worse by the day. I am afraid it will have to go under the knife tomorrow if there is to be any hope of saving it. Knife ... tomorrow ... get it???
Man, I love good pumpkin humor.



In other news.
The first day of my new BOZDIET™ went well. I didn't eat until 3:30 pm, and I suffered no ill effects besides the usual paranoia and self-loathing, but I attributed that more to the end of DST than I did to the new BOZDIET™. Also, while at the drug store I was able to resist the siren song of the Cadbury Milk Chocolate Bar that so enticingly beckoned me.

Eleven day growth

I can't believe I am up and wide awake at 8:27 am, so I am going back to bed.

New Bozcast

Gabcast! The Grand Ennui #4

My pumpkin has a brain tumor!

So, I went out and bought a pumpkin today from a self serve pumpkin farm. Self serve pumpkin farm ... you know what that means don't you? It means you pay $1.00 for a pumpkin with a $4.00 price tag.
And do I feel guilty for practically, but not quite, stealing a pumpkin? No, I mean, they were practically begging to get ripped off, it said self serve and they had a can for the money, and speaking about honesty, if they were so honest how come they had the can bolted down, so what was I supposed to do. You know, I haven't been the same since the five years I spent in the Psychiatric ward of a VA Hospital back in the 70's after staring down Charlie from the wrong end of a bayonet trying to insure your freedom, and yes, the freedom of all the pumpkin farmers in all the great states of this great country of ours.
Sieg Heil!!!
I mean ...
God Bless America!!!
Besides, my pumpkin has a brain tumor, and how am I supposed to deal with that, and I swear to god, when I was carrying the pumpkin into the house it said to me ...
Mom, hold me, my head hurts.

A boz poll

Multiple answers are acceptable.
One vote per day.

What should I do about my facial hair ... did I say FACIAL!!!
	Grow a full beard.
	Grow a goatee.
	Grow a mustache.
	Keep it clean shaven.
	Shave everything including your eyebrows.
	Don't ask me.
	Why shouldn't I ask you?
	Because I don't care.
	FINE!!!
	Just don't ask me next time you have a femhyg question!
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Driving through the country on an autumn afternoon

I went out looking for a pumpkin farm to buy a pumpkin today, but all the pumpkin farmers must have gotten together and organized, like OPEC did in the 70's, and they really raised the prices ... fascist bastards.
So instead I went to Kmart because I saw they had 2 Liter 7-Up on sale for 77 cents a bottle, and I thought I'd get a couple bottles of Diet Cherry 7-Up, but either they were out of it, or they don't make it anymore because they didn't have any ... any ... any.
But ...
While looking through the bargain racks I found these two baseball caps, and they were marked down from $11.99 to $1.00 each. So I bought them instead, and I'm glad I did, because you can't wear a pumpkin or a bottle of 7-Up.





I wonder if the Manson family wore Beatles baseball hats?
War
Death to Pigs
Healter Skelter

I wonder if the Beatles wore Jimi Hendrix baseball hats?
'Scuse me while I kiss this guy.

Early Wednesday morning at the movies.

I'm bored.

I should start my novel.

They got out of the car ...
The two men got out of the car ...
The bank robbers jumped out of the moving car, their guns blazing ...

Screw it.

I'm still bored.
I should watch a movie.
Nashville is on TCM in about twenty minutes.
Geraldine Chaplin is in Nashville.
Her father is Charlie Chaplin.
Her grandfather is Eugene O'Neill.
She was very good in Doctor Zhivago.
I saw Doctor Zhivago at the United Artists Theater in downtown Detroit in the spring of 1966 on a class outing.
Back then all the big movies opened downtown.
I think that's the only movie I ever went to see downtown.
I usually saw movies at places called The Ramona, or The Jewel, or The Macomb, or the East Wood, or The Roseville.
I saw most of my movies at the Roseville.
It was our neighborhood theater.
I saw The Incredible Shrinking Man at the Roseville Theater with my old man after him and my mother had a big arguement about who knows what.
I saw The Creature From The Black Lagoon at the Roseville with my sister at a Saturday matinee, and afterwards we stopped for french fries and cherry Cokes at the Delight restaurant.
I saw Pinocchio with my mother at the Roseville one Friday night after stopping off at the doctor's office to get a polio shot ...
Oh man, Nashville is about to start, so I'd better stop, and go take a leak, because there aren't any commercials on TCM, but hey, they do show tits, and there are tits in Nashville, and thank god they aren't Geraldine Chaplin's tits ...
Time to go.
Later.

If I lived in Turkey I'd still think about you

Ten reasons why I am awake at 2:40 in the morning
1. Who can sleep when global warming is right around the corner?
2. They're showing tits on Turner Classic Movies.
3. I'm trying to figure out just who Goliath represented in Davey and Goliath, was he God, was he Jesus, was he Mack the Knife???
4. I'm watching my beard grow in the reflection of my monitor.
5. I'm trying to channel the guy who played Anthony on Designing Women.
6. I'm monitoring the Sirens of Titan for any unusual activity.
7. I'm trying to get the aluminum foil out of my teeth.
8. Um, eight is always a tough one.
9. I'm trying to break up a fight between Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and the guy they didn't make a movie about.
10. There are retarded teenage boys outside my bedroom window, and they've got crayons.

A rabbi and a harridan walk into a bar

I have been kind of distraught lately.
A van load of teenage retarded boys passed me on the highway yesterday.
I don't mean they were retarded in the hip cool way you young people use the word retarded, I mean they were retarded as in crayons up the nose and zipping their shirt in their fly retarded.
Ok, a retard wasn't driving the van, and by the way, it was a long van, I mean, there must have been eight retarded teenagers all strapped in and ready to go to a Chris Burke concert, but no, a retard wasn't driving the van, it was a retard's mom who was driving the van, and on the scale of pro-active moms, retard moms rank just above soccer moms in their devotion to their spawn, and if this post isn't making much sense it's because I am distraught, but I already said that, didn't I.
Oh, yeah, this made me distraught because I thought I was going fast when they passed me.
I'm sorry, this isn't working out like I planned.
Honestly, my brain has turned to mush.

Five day growth

The weekend

Gabcast! The Grand Ennui #3



And how was your weekend?
I've already forgotten what I talked about in this gabcast ... GABCAST!!!
So, if I forgot to mention it, my full beard is coming along fine, I've hardly even noticed it, no scratching or nothing, and I think I'll like it, and I haven't had a full beard in 22 years, so yeah, I guess that's it for now.

MB and Flat Stanley

Read all about the Flat Stanley World Tour.

Fall color

Right click and open in new window for full size pics.

What's different about Boz?

Gabcast! The Grand Ennui #2

Just think about it first, that's all I ask, ok?

It's three thirty in the morning, and it's raining, and I just finished watching Biloxi Blues and I can't sleep.
I'm thinking about growing a full beard, but I am afraid it will be entirely white, or grey, or fuchsia, but, no, I really am thinking about growing a full beard, but if I did, or do, I'd have to shave the beard I have now off, because it would be all out of phase, and that wouldn't be nice, so just forget I said anything about it.
Speaking of Biloxi, and the Blues, I spent six months in Biloxi, and five of the months I had the blues, but I did drink a lot of beer, and have sex with hookers, and I saw a lot of movies too, and I was only 18, but I had my 19th birthday, which I don't remember, when I was down in Biloxi, and had the five month Biloxi blues.
I went to tech school when I was in Biloxi, and for the life of me I don't know how I passed, but I did, well, I passed mostly because they had a hurricane the day I was supposed to have my final exam, and they figured it must be a sign of some sort, so they passed me.
I smoked a lot of cigarettes too, I think I smoked Winstons, but I think I changed over to Marlboro, while I was in Biloxi with the Biloxi five month blues.
I'm not sure what kind of beer I bought, I just drank it because it was expected of me, I guess, because I never liked the taste of beer, but I was too young to buy booze, because you had to be 21 going on 21 and a half to buy booze even in Biloxi where with or without the Biloxi five month blues.
So yeah, I was in Biloxi with the Biloxi five month blues when man first walked on the moon, and they gave us the day off so we could watch it on television, and I did watch it on television, sort of, I sort of watched it on television while I was involved in a hot poker game, which I ended up being the big winner of, so take that and your one small step, and stick it in your ditty bag, and yeah, while I was in Biloxi with the Biloxi five month blues, I actually had a ditty bag, we all had ditty bags, so go figure, ummmmm, I'm tired now, so I'm going to bed, and if you ever meet a hooker named Gloria, tell her "hi" from boz.

Pablo Picasso was never called an asshole

I am Bob Saget

I'm pretty sure that I'm Bob Saget.

Full House Bob Saget: DJ, Michelle, and the one I can't remember the name of, I am very disappointed in you, you know you aren't supposed to touch Uncle Jessie's hair care products.

America's Funniest Home Videos Bob Saget: (in funny voice voice over) Doh, I got hit in the balls with a plastic baseball bat, and man does it hurt!!!

For Hope Bob Saget: You're my sister Hope, but I hate you and I wish you were dead ... Oh my god, I didn't mean it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm Bob Saget.
I mean, who else could I be ... David Caruso???