Potions or Portions, I guess it doesn't make much difference.

I've got blood in my mouth from biting my tongue all week.
Sorry, I mistook my life for a song there for a minute.

Things I did today, or maybe it was yesterday

I stepped on the same tack a half dozen times.

I screwed up the little automatic battery operated car door opener until my car started going honk honk honk, and I screwed with it some more until my car started going HONK HONK HONK.

I stared at an old guy with a pony tail tucked up under his baseball cap.

I walked till I perspired.

I did something for MB, but I forgot what it was, and I guess I could ask her what I did, but I'm sure she's forgotten too.

I remember now. I made cream of asparagus soup using a can of cream of chicken soup, a can of cream of mushroom soup, and a can of asparagus.

While getting a haircut the barber and I discussed his recent prostate surgery, and I'm now almost positive it's prostate and not prostrate.

Also, the barber and I discussed my fairly new cowlick and ways to combat it, and the barber suggested that I use a dab of styling gel, so I stopped at the drugstore next to the barber shop and bought some styling gel from their Dollar Discount Section, and when I got home I squirted a little gel on my finger and it smelt, or smelled, so good that I tasted it, which was a bad idea, because I couldn't get rid of the gel taste no matter how hard I tried, so let that be a lesson to all of you out in the peanut gallery.

Also, while in the Dollar Discount Section of the drugstore I bought a manly LOOFA, to go use with the four manly body washes I bought a week or so ago, and yeah, I'm sure they're manly, because how could they not be with manly names like Pipeline, Olympian, Gravity, and Intensity ...

And I guess that's all I did today, or maybe it was yesterday.

The fan is off until I at least need it again.

I should go to bed.



Yes, there are four pillows, and the sheets are purple, and I'm tired, and I have the bedroom window open, and earlier tonight I could hear the teenage boy from next door make some kind of funny bleating noise, so I guess he must have had his bedroom window open too, and I have no idea why he was bleating, and I don't think it was orgasmically induced, but it could have been, because I was a teenage boy once, and it wasn't unusual for me to bleat two or three times a day, and I still bleat occasionally, so maybe I should close my bedroom window, but fuck it, I'm just going to go to bed instead, which is where this all started.

To miriam wherever I may find her

This is for Kat.

I found this email in my spam folder.

Hi
My name is miriam. I found your email on that dating site.
I also love sex on the side. I have a loving partner but he is working 16 hours a day and we have sex only once a week :(
If you are interested and wanna see my pictures just email me at cmiriam7@byemailonline.info
Don`t reply, use the email above (my boyfriend doesn`t know about that email!)

Here is my reply.
Hi Miriam
I never thought I'd get a reply from my ad on that dating site, and
when you say that dating site I am assuming you mean the one that
specializes in finding sexxxxxxxxx partners for hairlipped albino
crossdressers.
I am glad you like sex on the side too. It's the only way I can have
sex is on the side because my sleep apnia only allows me to have sex
on the side without making me fall asleep, and falling asleep makes me
drool, and nothing turns the ladies off faster than a drooling
hairlipped albino crossdresser who is asleep ... and snoring too,
hahahaha, I made up the part about snoring, it's more of a whimper
than a snore, and then again it's not much a whimper either.
Your boyfriend works sixteen hours a day ... what is he a friggin'
doctor, and if he is could you ask him if he knows any doctors who
specialize in hairlips with a minor in sleep apnia.
Oh yeah, send pictures. Can I make a special request? I love pictures
of women with their underwear on backwards. I'm getting a chubbie just
thinking about it!!!
Waiting for your reply with bait on my breath.
Harlan Saunders Esq.

This'll do

I've lost so much weight that I can see the scar from the incision they made on my hip when they took a piece of bone out to use as a shiv when they removed the herniated disk in my neck in July of 2006.

Imagine, before about a week ago I couldn't see the scar on my hip, and now ...
Well, and now, I was wearing my fat pants without a belt to take the trash cans out tonight and I seriously had a hard time keeping my pants from falling around my knees, and speaking of knees, I think my knees have lost some weight too, and I'm almost positive that my wrists are skinnier, or how else would you explain the fact that ...
Ummm, that I am almost running out of little holes in my watchband in which to fasten my watch with that little metal thing that goes in the hole to keep your watch from falling off your wrist and into your Cheerios when you first get up in the morning and you don't quite have your wits about you.

My ten favorite Bill Murray roles or characters.

In no particular order.

1. Tripper Harrison - Meatballs
2. Bob Wiley - What About Bob? - Bob Wiley
3. Bunny Breckenridge - Ed Wood
4. Ernie McCracken - Kingpin
5. Frank Milo - Mad Dog and Glory
6. Herman Blume - Rushmore
7. Wally Ritche - The Man Who Knew Too Little
8. Mr. McNulty - Square Pegs (No Substitutions)
9. Todd DiLaMuca - Saturday Night Live
10. Nick the Lounge Singer - Saturday Night Live

I'm not saying you ain't pretty, I'm just saying I'm not ready

I felt so old today.
Linda Ronstadt turned 61.



I had such a bone for her back in the late 60's and early 70's BEFORE she became famous and started boning those whack job politicians.

I think it just started raining

My diet.
It includes BK five or six times a week.
It does not include tofu.
It does include the worlds biggest cauliflower, and broccoli too, and fruit juices, and fruits, and occasionally some tuna fish, and some other stuff that you wouldn't believe if I told you, and honest, I'd tell you, but I don't remember.
It includes vigorous exercise of the walking and bicycle riding variety of vigorous exercise, and here's a tip, if you are out riding your bicycle steer clear of bicycle riding grandmothers and their bicycle riding grandchildren, they are just trouble waiting to happen.
And I've lost 23 lbs, or 22 lbs,or 21 lbs, depending on how good my memory is.

I spoonfed you your life and other catch phrases from other reality shows that I don't watch except for that one.

Umm, so it's, I dunno, three in the morning or something like that, and I just finished watching a movie, and my eyes aren't focusing very well, and did I tell you that I'm on a diet and that I've lost twenty pounds, and yeah, it's true, and did I tell you that I sort of accidentally deleted all the songs on my Zune, but that's ok, because I was getting tired of them, and now I have a shitload of mostly different songs on my Zune, but some of the same songs, because I wasn't tired of all of them, just most of them, like I said about twenty words ago, and that's about all I've got to say.

Fuck, I was really going to make a great post here, but the ideas and the words just escaped my brain somewhere between taking a leak and turning on the computer, and now my mind is blank, and my fingers hurt, so ...

Don't tell me that again, ok, but just one more time.

So, I tried to watch the Black Dahlia on Cinemax, but it sucked, I mean it sucked real bad, so maybe I'll just go to bed and listen to music.
Shhhhhhhhhhh, I hear something outside. It sounds like it is someone on a bike, but who would be out riding a bike at one thirty in the morning unless they are up to no good or are practicing for the Tour De France, but since that's already started, and as far as I know East Tawain isn't part of the course, it probably isn't that, unless all those steroid claims are true and somebody got lost on their way to France, and on second thought I think it was just my neighbor putting away his lawn mower.
Anyway, I'm going to bed or something.

The tag on the back of my t-shirt is causing a rash.

It's very hot today.
Not 115 degree hot like out there in Kansas, or whatever that state is that has all the sand and none of the rain.
But it's hot.
And I'm feeling kind of dizzy.
But I'm hydrated so don't worry.
And if there is such a thing as temporary heat blindness I wish I would get it and be done with it.

What I did on the 4th

I slept till about noon after getting up at about six for breakfast,
I gave a guy the finger, but he called me an asshole first, I think he was trying to impress his wife, she didn't look impressed, and after she saw the fire in my eyes she looked scared, I made that part about the fire in my eyes up, and about his wife being scared.
I also ate five hot dogs on the 4th of July, but not all at once or at the same time.
I was attacked by swarm after swarm of no see me bugs at the fireworks display.
It was maddening, they went for my eyes, and they showed no mercy.
I took a shower after I got home.

I think my head is losing weight.

What do you think?

You want fries with that burger?

Ok, so a big storm fried my computer last week.
It's covered by my homeowners insurance.
I took it to the repair place and he has to decide whether or not it can be fixed or needs to be replaced.
I haven't heard back from him yet.
I was going crazy without a computer so I went out and bought a new one.
I will be screwed if he can repair it.
Let's hope that he can't.
Let's hope that he drops it on the floor during a drunken rage.
Let's hope he's a drunk, or a chronic masturbater, yeah, let's say that he can repair it, but while he is looking through my folders he finds my porn, and being a chronic masturbater he erupts all over it, yeah, let's hope that, because even though I can afford a new computer I'd much rather have my insurance cover it, and it probably won't cover the complete cost anyway, because I have a hundred dollar deductible, and they will reimburse me for the price it would take to replace my old computer today, and computer prices have come down, but maybe I can blackmail the chronic masturbating repair guy into saying it will cost more to replace than it will actually cost to replace,and maybe he will comply because nobody in a small town wants to be known as a chronic masturbater, and that's what happened to Goober in Mayberry, and when was the last time you saw Goober???

Did I mention that my new computer has 10,000 gigs of storage, but actually it only has 500 gigs, but you would have probably thought I was bragging if I said that, so I went with the ludicrous to sort of temper your whatever.

It took way too long to write this post

Ten things I saw today
1. A bunch of people at the beach who shouldn't have been wearing skimpy bathing suits, but were.
2. People talking on cellphones while driving, while eating, while shopping, and while invading my personal space.
3. A real cute pregnant woman who kept adjusting her top to cover up her belly.
4. Mother and daughter goth girls waiting in line at the Dairy Queen.
5. The friendly guy at the BK who everyone avoids because he talks too much, and doesn't smell all that good either.
6. A vulture, yeah, a real live vulture, and I've never ever seen a vulture before, but I'm positive that this was a vulture, and he was on the side of the road eating road kill, I swear to god, it was a vulture, and I didn't even know that vultures were indigenous to this area, and I'm not even sure if I know what indigenous means either.
7. A kid on a skateboard wearing the gayest looking pants I have ever seen, they were like something my sister would have worn back in the 50's if she was trying to make a move on a guy, they were that gay.
8. Two of those religious type guys that always travel in pairs, and wear ties, and short sleeved white shirts, and always look like they are going to rain Jesus down on your head if you give them the slightest look of recognition.
9. A husband and wife arguing with each other in a foreign language which might have been French, or Flemish, or Dutch, yeah, it could have been Dutch.
10. A young cop hitting on the tattooed and pierced clerk at the self-serve gas station where I bought a 64 ounce diet Coke for 79 cents today, and I don't know about the clerk, but I wasn't impressed.

No misspellings found

I shouldn't watch television because it tricks me into thinking it is real especially at seven in the morning, except for the news, which I never watch.
Anyway, and enough with the anyways, anyway, I'm going back to bed and pretend, no, I'm going back to bed and ACCEPT that television is real, and maybe I can be the new doctor on Scrubs, which I don't watch either.

Take a deep breath, hold it, hold it, hold it, that's it, now exhale ... good

Ten things you will never hear me say, except if I am trying to be funny.

1. I think my water just broke.
2. Let's do sushi.
3. You know how back in the 70's young people used to go to midnight screenings of the Rocky Horror Picture Show dressed like characters from the movie? I was Susan Sarandon, and I still have the bra and the slip, and I am wearing them right now.
4. Seriously, I could talk politics with you all night even if we weren't screwing.
5. I just renewed my subscription to US News and World Report and People Magazine.
6. My #117, I lied, it's more like a #94.
7. I don't care, anything by Journey is fine with me.
8. I'd like to pledge $250.00 for Jerry's Kids.
9. I think I am losing my mind, but that's not something I'd never say, it's just something I am saying because I am running out of things I will never say except if I am trying to be funny, but seriously, I really do think I am losing my mind, or maybe I am just tired, so I'll make #10 a short one and then I'm going back to bed.
10. Bingo!!!

I mean it this time.

My cable provider just got Video On Demand so now I can watch whatever I want whenever I want and right now I am watching the Showtime Series Weeds starring Mary-Louise Parker and the chick who slept with Tom Hanks when Tom Hanks was really a kid in Tom Hanks body in the movie Big, she's Elizabeth something, but that's not important, and really none of this is important in the grand scheme of things, but, be that as it may, I am watching Weeds, and yeah, I started it watching it because of Mary hyphen Louise Parker, but it has turned into something oh so much more than just that.

It's funny that I should be hooked on a show about marijuana because I haven't smoked since Nixon was president, no wait, I haven't smoked since Reagan was president, and I'm almost positive I didn't smoke when Carter was president, except I might have smoked when the hostages were released, but yeah, the Iranians waited until Reagan was sworn in before they released the hostages, but I might have started smoking before the actual release, but ummm, no I haven't smoked since Nixon was president, except for when Reagan was president and borderline when Carter was president, and I think I might have smoked when Johnson was president, but it was most likely after the election in 68 and Johnson would have been a lame duck president, so maybe that doesn't count, but maybe it does count, and I'm not sure anyway, no wait, I am sure, but it was only once, or maybe twice, yeah, it was twice, and I am totally sure that I didn't smoke when Kennedy was president because I was only thirteen, and drugs hadn't been invented yet, and probably if they had I would have smoked when Kennedy was assassinated, but who could have blamed me, because that was a tragic time in the history of our great nation.

The End

Well, not the end, because I'm not ruling out that I will ever smoke again. I mean, what if I get glaucoma, or what if I fall in love with a hippie commune type chick who GROWS marijuana ... I mean, I'd just about have to smoke then, wouldn't I.

Time out

I'm sitting here at one in the morning waiting for the predicted storm to pass through.
I have all the lights out, my bedroom window blinds are up, and my window is open.
I want lightening.
I want thunder.
I want rain.
I want the wind to lift the curtains up.
I kind of want a dish of ice cream too, but I'm on a diet, and it's really going well, and I've lost about ten lbs, and I'm eating goo ..., I'm eating better, and I'm exercising, (I rode the outside bike for a half hour and the inside bike for forty five minutes) and I'm sweating, and my fat pants are falling off my hips, and my skinny pants are about twenty lbs down the road, and yes, I really am eating better, I'm eating vegetables that aren't on pizza, and fruit that isn't in a candy bar, and stuff, and stuff, and more stuff, and did I tell you I've almost lost ten lbs, and you know, I think Karen Carpenter was really onto something, and ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Yeah.

When I was thirteen

When I was thirteen a family of dwarfs moved in next door to us. I think they were circus folk.

When I was thirteen I fell out of a tree and broke my left ankle in three places and was on crutches all summer and the first two months of the next school year.

When I was thirteen years old my best friend got a job working at an ice cream stand. He promised that he would try to get me a job but he was fired for handing out free cones to girls that would show him their underpants.

When I was thirteen years old I sent away for a ventriloquist's dummy that was advertised for $3.99 but when my package arrived there was a letter from the company saying that they no longer carried the $3.99 ventriloquist's dummy so they sent me a pair of x-ray specs, a whoopee cushion, a fly in an ice cube, and a bar of soap that turned your hands black as a replacement.