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So, it's like three thirty something in the morning and here I am half asleep and wide awake, and I figured, what the fuck I tossed and turned for over an hour, this can't be any worse than that.

Here's the deal. I haven't heard from Amy in three weeks, and I don't know what to think.
Am I history?
Has something happened to her?
Is she in trouble?
Is she hurt?
What's wrong?

Ok, a little background.
She left Big Sur in kind of a hurry.
She really isn't living anywhere, sort of between family and friends.
She has no phone.
She has no address.
She has very little internet access.
At least this was the situation the last time I heard from her.

So what do I do?
I get upset with her because, you know, she could call me, or write me, but you have to know she isn't good at remembering phone numbers and addresses, I mean every time she called me in the past she had to contact me online for my phone number, and we used to call each other a lot.
But still, she could stop by a library, there must be a library somewhere, anywhere, and she could email me, or something.
And then I feel guilty for getting mad, because, well because, look at all the negative shit that she's been going through the past couple months, and here I am feeling sorry myself, only thinking of myself ... me.
But damn, then I start worrying about her, I mean, something serious could have happened, and it has been very stressful for her, and yeah, she does take life to seriously, but that's who she is.
But, she did say that she wouldn't be able to be around much, you know, because of her current up in the air situation.
And you want to hear something funny?
When all this shit started she told me not to be surprised if she were to just show up on my doorstep unannounced some day, and then in the last email I got from her she said she was trying to figure out a way to make a trip to the midwest, but it would be hard because of her finances and how expensive traveling has become ...
Ok, here's the funny part. When I am out driving I find myself looking for her old wreck of a 1995 Cambry, and when I am at home and I hear a car go buy, I kind of think, well what if ...
Seriously, I may be the biggest chump in the world, but I don't believe that she would just write me off without a word, just like that.
But if that's how it is to be, I can deal with it.
I just hope that nothing has happened to her where she can't contact me.
I don't know if I could deal with that.

It's late, I'm wringing wet, I'm rambling, and I'm not making much sense.
So fuck it, I'm going to bed.

And you know, every bit of it has been worth it, and I'd do it all over again in a heart beat.

Maybe I'll here from her today.

I'm going to bed.