Ok, this going to sound vain and goofy, but coming from me it will sound half way believable.
I feel like a celebrity, yeah, I seriously, honestly, totally do.
I really can't talk too much about it now because I am expecting Ving Rhames, Shelly Hack, and what's his name, oh yeah, Mr Drummond, Conrad Bain, any minute and we are going to drink domestic champagne, eat Fig Newtons, and play Trivial Pursuit, The Cold War Years.
Um, yeah, gosh, the whole celebrity thing, me?
Hahahahaha.
Play along with me on this, ok.
I'm really quite tired at 7 in the morning, so I'm really quite going to bed.
Don't forget to catch my ...
Fuck it.
Sleep.
Baby.
Two Faces Have I - Lou Christie
The Lion Sleeps Tonight - The Tokens
Abagail Beecher Our History Teacher - Freddie "Boom Boom" Cannon
Hey Paula - Paul and Paula, and Paula, and Paula, and Paula, and Paula
Alex Trebek must die so the world can live.
Thursday, March 31, 2005
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
My Little Mommie
M, my oldest sister is about nine years older than I am, and when we were kids a lot of the time I was M's responsibilty.
Because of this I called M my Little Mommie, a term I'm sure she loved.
Let's make no mistakes about it, I was a brat, I was the youngest child, the only boy, I was indulged, and I got away with murder.
A Funny thing happened to Little Mommie when she was 13, she grew boobs, big ones.
Little Mommie had the upstairs bedroom, and I don't know, I must have had some sort of kid's radar because I could sense whenever Little Mommie was upstairs undressing, and I would take off up the stairs, shrieking with glee, jump into her lap, take a boob in each hand and squeeze them as hard as I could while yelling
"HONK, HONK, HONK"
and convulsing in laughter.
Little Mommie would scream and try to push me off while yelling for Mommmmm, but the more she screamed, the more I twisted, and the louder I yelled
"HONK, HONK, HONK"
My mom would eventually get upstairs and pull me off, but not before I got in one more
"HONK, HONK, HONK".
I don't remember how long this went on, probably not long, I remember getting sat down and having it explained to me that this wasn't a nice thing to do, and not quite understanding why Little Mommie didn't enjoy it as much as I did.
And to this very day when I see a flock of geese flying overhead ...
Because of this I called M my Little Mommie, a term I'm sure she loved.
Let's make no mistakes about it, I was a brat, I was the youngest child, the only boy, I was indulged, and I got away with murder.
A Funny thing happened to Little Mommie when she was 13, she grew boobs, big ones.
Little Mommie had the upstairs bedroom, and I don't know, I must have had some sort of kid's radar because I could sense whenever Little Mommie was upstairs undressing, and I would take off up the stairs, shrieking with glee, jump into her lap, take a boob in each hand and squeeze them as hard as I could while yelling
"HONK, HONK, HONK"
and convulsing in laughter.
Little Mommie would scream and try to push me off while yelling for Mommmmm, but the more she screamed, the more I twisted, and the louder I yelled
"HONK, HONK, HONK"
My mom would eventually get upstairs and pull me off, but not before I got in one more
"HONK, HONK, HONK".
I don't remember how long this went on, probably not long, I remember getting sat down and having it explained to me that this wasn't a nice thing to do, and not quite understanding why Little Mommie didn't enjoy it as much as I did.
And to this very day when I see a flock of geese flying overhead ...
Never talk to strangers or look at another guy's cock
Guys don't look at other guys cocks.
That's just how it is.
I lived in Air Force dormitories and used communal showers for over three years, and I know these things.
Oh, yeah, you could glance over there when you turned to wash your back, but you'd better be damned sure you had a bored, half asleep, look on your face when you did it.
Hey, what are you looking at?
Oh, I'm sorry, I was just admiring your cock, it's a fine specimen.
Why thank you, I couldn't help but notice yours too, you must really please the ladies.
Well, I've had no complaints. Say, you don't mind if I touch it ...
What???
In a manly sort of way, of course.
Ohhhhh, of course not then, go ahead, please do.
It's very firm, very thick, I can feel it coming to life in my hand, I can sense it's power, and your balls, well, all I can say is, you must win all the tea bagging contests ... HEY!!!
Ohhhhh man, I'm sorry, I'm a sucker for flattery, I got caught up in the moment, what can I say.
Hey, no problem, this is a shower, a little soap and a little water and it's all down the drain.
Hahahaha.
Hahahaha.
The above was a dramatization, nothing like that ever happened to me ... ever ... ever ... ever.
Seriously.
That's just how it is.
I lived in Air Force dormitories and used communal showers for over three years, and I know these things.
Oh, yeah, you could glance over there when you turned to wash your back, but you'd better be damned sure you had a bored, half asleep, look on your face when you did it.
Hey, what are you looking at?
Oh, I'm sorry, I was just admiring your cock, it's a fine specimen.
Why thank you, I couldn't help but notice yours too, you must really please the ladies.
Well, I've had no complaints. Say, you don't mind if I touch it ...
What???
In a manly sort of way, of course.
Ohhhhh, of course not then, go ahead, please do.
It's very firm, very thick, I can feel it coming to life in my hand, I can sense it's power, and your balls, well, all I can say is, you must win all the tea bagging contests ... HEY!!!
Ohhhhh man, I'm sorry, I'm a sucker for flattery, I got caught up in the moment, what can I say.
Hey, no problem, this is a shower, a little soap and a little water and it's all down the drain.
Hahahaha.
Hahahaha.
The above was a dramatization, nothing like that ever happened to me ... ever ... ever ... ever.
Seriously.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
If your Uncle Jack was stuck on the top of a building ...
It's been a crazy day today, and I blame blogger.
I mean really.
Shit, I just deleted the lamest sentence comparing ideas to butterflies, so you might as well take me out and neuter me right the fuck now!
Oh man, I'll be plagarizing Rod McKuen next.
Rod McKuen by Henry Gibson
How ya doing
Rod McKuen.
Shit, I want to write about jacking-off but I just don't have the guts.
It would make pretty good reading though, I think.
It wouldn't be pretty, a guy jacking off isn't a pretty thing.
It is lust, and frustration, and anger, and need, and every time I do it, it feels so good that I promise that I will never do it again, because it isn't supposed to feel that good, nothing is supposed to feel that good, but it does feel that good, again and again and again.
And again.
Thank you.
I mean really.
Shit, I just deleted the lamest sentence comparing ideas to butterflies, so you might as well take me out and neuter me right the fuck now!
Oh man, I'll be plagarizing Rod McKuen next.
Rod McKuen by Henry Gibson
How ya doing
Rod McKuen.
Shit, I want to write about jacking-off but I just don't have the guts.
It would make pretty good reading though, I think.
It wouldn't be pretty, a guy jacking off isn't a pretty thing.
It is lust, and frustration, and anger, and need, and every time I do it, it feels so good that I promise that I will never do it again, because it isn't supposed to feel that good, nothing is supposed to feel that good, but it does feel that good, again and again and again.
And again.
Thank you.
Monday, March 28, 2005
Sometimes sarcasm comes back to bite you on the ass.
Yesterday's phone call from my sister.
Me: Hello.
Her: Hi, how you doing?
Me: Eh, I hurt today.
Her: That reminds me. Let me know when you find out for sure about surgery and we'll plan our vacation around it so we can be up there to take you down to the hospital in Saginaw and look after Mom.
Me: Whoa ... yeah, ok, fine ... thanks! Ah, you wanna talk to Ma?
Her: Yeah, let me talk to her.
Me: Hello.
Her: Hi, how you doing?
Me: Eh, I hurt today.
Her: That reminds me. Let me know when you find out for sure about surgery and we'll plan our vacation around it so we can be up there to take you down to the hospital in Saginaw and look after Mom.
Me: Whoa ... yeah, ok, fine ... thanks! Ah, you wanna talk to Ma?
Her: Yeah, let me talk to her.
You are what you have for lunch
Oh man, I can't believe it. I have four choices of what I can have for lunch tomorrow.
1. I've got bologna, which by the way doesn't have a first name.
2. I've got left over grilled hot dogs from Friday that would taste just great with tons of mustard to hide the hot dog taste.
3. Then there's the baked ham, mmmmmmm ham, from dinner some time last week, that was frozen and then defrosted, and yeah, I had that today, and yeah, it was pretty bosa nova.
4. And then, and then, and then, there's the roast beef leftover from today's dinner, which would go really good with some sort of off beat mustard that I know I have stashed somewhere in the back of the fridge.
1. I've got bologna, which by the way doesn't have a first name.
2. I've got left over grilled hot dogs from Friday that would taste just great with tons of mustard to hide the hot dog taste.
3. Then there's the baked ham, mmmmmmm ham, from dinner some time last week, that was frozen and then defrosted, and yeah, I had that today, and yeah, it was pretty bosa nova.
4. And then, and then, and then, there's the roast beef leftover from today's dinner, which would go really good with some sort of off beat mustard that I know I have stashed somewhere in the back of the fridge.
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Harmonicas are haunting my soul
This could be my favortie pic of me ... ever
Or at least of the last two days
Or at least of the last two days
Truth is stranger than ... what the fuck
Oh man, I've got it tonight, this morninig, whenever.
I tried watching that Felinininini film again, you know The Dreamers, wait, that's not Felininininini, that's Bertolucicicicici, ANYWAY, IT LOOKS LIKE I JUST HIT THE CAP LOCKS BY MISTAKE ...
But the film, The Dreamers, yeah, 1968, Paris, all sorts of weird things going on in 1968, and not just in Paris.
Ahhhhhhhh, you know like sex, and did I just say sex???
I love writing crap at two in the morning, it makes me feel so ... Parisian, no, no, no, no, I mean so Post War on the North Shore, yeah, that's it, I think.
Jesus Christ, and I can say Jesus Christ because it is easter, small e ...
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, my right arm hurts almost enough to bring tears to my eyes, and everytime I turn my head it sounds like a shotgun blast in my brain in spain, but mainly kurt cobain.
So, I guess the question of the day, or the night, or the night of the day of the locust would be, shaved or natural, and I think I'm voting natural at least for the time being.
Oh yeah, the chick from The Dreamers, with the tremendously pendolously breasts
Eva Green, I think, or something like that.
The orgasms of my youth are a thing of the past.
Your serve.
I tried watching that Felinininini film again, you know The Dreamers, wait, that's not Felininininini, that's Bertolucicicicici, ANYWAY, IT LOOKS LIKE I JUST HIT THE CAP LOCKS BY MISTAKE ...
But the film, The Dreamers, yeah, 1968, Paris, all sorts of weird things going on in 1968, and not just in Paris.
Ahhhhhhhh, you know like sex, and did I just say sex???
I love writing crap at two in the morning, it makes me feel so ... Parisian, no, no, no, no, I mean so Post War on the North Shore, yeah, that's it, I think.
Jesus Christ, and I can say Jesus Christ because it is easter, small e ...
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, my right arm hurts almost enough to bring tears to my eyes, and everytime I turn my head it sounds like a shotgun blast in my brain in spain, but mainly kurt cobain.
So, I guess the question of the day, or the night, or the night of the day of the locust would be, shaved or natural, and I think I'm voting natural at least for the time being.
Oh yeah, the chick from The Dreamers, with the tremendously pendolously breasts
Eva Green, I think, or something like that.
The orgasms of my youth are a thing of the past.
Your serve.
Easter My Keister
The last thirty or so telephone conversations I've had with my sister, until last week.
Me: Hello
Her: Hi, how are you?
Me: Not bad, I've been having a lot of trouble with my back.
Her: Oh, Richard (her husband) has been having troubles with his back, blah, blah,
blah, Richard this, Richard that, blah, blah, blah ...
Me: Ahhhhh
Her: Blah, blah, blah, Richard, Richard, Richard, blah, blah, blah ...
Me: Ummmm
Her: Blah, blah, blah, and then Richard said this and then Richard said that, blah, blah, blah ...
Me: Sooooo, wanna talk to Ma?
Her: Blah, blah, blah .... Ma, yeah, ok.
Last week's conversation
Me: Hello
Her: Hi, how are you?
Me: Eh, not too good, I may need surgery on my back.
Her: You've got a bad back? When did that happen???
Me: Ahhhh, you wanna talk to Ma?
Me: Hello
Her: Hi, how are you?
Me: Not bad, I've been having a lot of trouble with my back.
Her: Oh, Richard (her husband) has been having troubles with his back, blah, blah,
blah, Richard this, Richard that, blah, blah, blah ...
Me: Ahhhhh
Her: Blah, blah, blah, Richard, Richard, Richard, blah, blah, blah ...
Me: Ummmm
Her: Blah, blah, blah, and then Richard said this and then Richard said that, blah, blah, blah ...
Me: Sooooo, wanna talk to Ma?
Her: Blah, blah, blah .... Ma, yeah, ok.
Last week's conversation
Me: Hello
Her: Hi, how are you?
Me: Eh, not too good, I may need surgery on my back.
Her: You've got a bad back? When did that happen???
Me: Ahhhh, you wanna talk to Ma?
Saturday, March 26, 2005
Liberals and peninsulas don't mix
Things that I know for a fact.
1. I am losing weight, yeah for me.
2. The snow that is still on the ground will be gone by my birthday.
3. My birthday is in June
4. I could have been a contender.
5. My bald spot resembles a map of Tierra Del Fuego.
6. My mother voted for Adlai Stevenson in 1956, I know this because I was in the voting booth with her.
7. Monday will be the 36th anniversary of me going into the air force, it will also be the 36th anniversary of the death of Dwight Eisenhower and my grandfather, talk about your trifecta.
8. Dogs can't talk.
9. Leon Redbone, remember him, did not have a sex change operation in 2001.
10. If you pick a hamster up by it's hind legs it's eyes will fall out.
1. I am losing weight, yeah for me.
2. The snow that is still on the ground will be gone by my birthday.
3. My birthday is in June
4. I could have been a contender.
5. My bald spot resembles a map of Tierra Del Fuego.
6. My mother voted for Adlai Stevenson in 1956, I know this because I was in the voting booth with her.
7. Monday will be the 36th anniversary of me going into the air force, it will also be the 36th anniversary of the death of Dwight Eisenhower and my grandfather, talk about your trifecta.
8. Dogs can't talk.
9. Leon Redbone, remember him, did not have a sex change operation in 2001.
10. If you pick a hamster up by it's hind legs it's eyes will fall out.
Friday, March 25, 2005
Sitting and Waiting at 2:30 in the afternoon
I'm just sitting and waiting, and probably contemplating what to do next.
It's a fairly nice day, and I want to get out, maybe take MB out to eat, compliments of my brother in law who sent MB a take yourself out for dinner easter check, which was actually pretty nice of him, and even though we were never really close, I think it's very noble of him keeping in contact after my sister passed away.
Speaking of relatives. I mentioned my 15 year old grand niece and her blog a week or so ago. Ok, let me set up the scenario. Her blog is hosted by a site that caters to teenagers, and the site also hosts tons of webrings aimed at teens, you know the typical angsty teen things. Anyway, my g.niece is a member of one webring called Watching the Blood Run Down My Arm which to me signifies cutting, ok yeah, big deal, it could be just a morbid curiosity. Flash forward to late last week when she makes a post that includes the passage:
Has anyone wondered why I haven't worn a sleeveless top all this year, even on the hottest days?
Should I be worried?
Should I say anything.
Should I just stay out of it because this is more or less her personal online diary meant for her and a handful of her friends?
I guess I am being sort of rhetorical, because I already know that I am going to worry about it, but just a little, and of course I will not say anything about it.
I used to hear about this stuff back when I was teaching high school, but never knew of an actual case.
But yeah, what do you think?
Edit - Her parents don't know about her blog, and she doesn't know that I know about her blog.
It's a fairly nice day, and I want to get out, maybe take MB out to eat, compliments of my brother in law who sent MB a take yourself out for dinner easter check, which was actually pretty nice of him, and even though we were never really close, I think it's very noble of him keeping in contact after my sister passed away.
Speaking of relatives. I mentioned my 15 year old grand niece and her blog a week or so ago. Ok, let me set up the scenario. Her blog is hosted by a site that caters to teenagers, and the site also hosts tons of webrings aimed at teens, you know the typical angsty teen things. Anyway, my g.niece is a member of one webring called Watching the Blood Run Down My Arm which to me signifies cutting, ok yeah, big deal, it could be just a morbid curiosity. Flash forward to late last week when she makes a post that includes the passage:
Has anyone wondered why I haven't worn a sleeveless top all this year, even on the hottest days?
Should I be worried?
Should I say anything.
Should I just stay out of it because this is more or less her personal online diary meant for her and a handful of her friends?
I guess I am being sort of rhetorical, because I already know that I am going to worry about it, but just a little, and of course I will not say anything about it.
I used to hear about this stuff back when I was teaching high school, but never knew of an actual case.
But yeah, what do you think?
Edit - Her parents don't know about her blog, and she doesn't know that I know about her blog.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Dentists and Depends
Ok, so I'm home.
I've been running around most of the day, well except for the nap I took after my dental check-up ... Look Ma, no cavities.
You should see all the free stuff they gave me, a toothbrush, some dental floss, a plastic bag, and I took one of the little free samples of Crest Pro-Health Rinse off the receptionists counter, and when she said the bill was 92 bucks, I swept the rest of the bottles of Crest Pro-Health Rinse into my plastic bag.
Ninety two bucks!!!
I blame the free dental care given to relatives for the high dental costs passed on to me, the consumer. Well the free dental care given to relatives that aren't named dvl or who aren't dvl's immediate family members ...
And if dvl and her immediate family members aren't getting free dental care, they should. I got your back on this one dvl, don't worry.
Then after the nap I hit the road again, I didn't want to hit the road, but MB has this problem that many older americans have, and she needed me to run out and buy some Depends, but let's keep that amongst ourselves, not that it matters to her, because she proudly pushes her Depends laden shopping cart around the store whenever she is out ...
Anyway I think I got off on a bit of a tangent, and enough with the Depends.
Oh yeah, I also bought a ham while I was out, and some bread and stuff, and bungee cords, you can never half enough bungee cords, or Depends either, you can never have enough bungee cords or Depends, and how come every time I type bungeee I want to add a third eeeeee at the end.
My head is spinning, so I guess I'm done, what do you think?
I've been running around most of the day, well except for the nap I took after my dental check-up ... Look Ma, no cavities.
You should see all the free stuff they gave me, a toothbrush, some dental floss, a plastic bag, and I took one of the little free samples of Crest Pro-Health Rinse off the receptionists counter, and when she said the bill was 92 bucks, I swept the rest of the bottles of Crest Pro-Health Rinse into my plastic bag.
Ninety two bucks!!!
I blame the free dental care given to relatives for the high dental costs passed on to me, the consumer. Well the free dental care given to relatives that aren't named dvl or who aren't dvl's immediate family members ...
And if dvl and her immediate family members aren't getting free dental care, they should. I got your back on this one dvl, don't worry.
Then after the nap I hit the road again, I didn't want to hit the road, but MB has this problem that many older americans have, and she needed me to run out and buy some Depends, but let's keep that amongst ourselves, not that it matters to her, because she proudly pushes her Depends laden shopping cart around the store whenever she is out ...
Anyway I think I got off on a bit of a tangent, and enough with the Depends.
Oh yeah, I also bought a ham while I was out, and some bread and stuff, and bungee cords, you can never half enough bungee cords, or Depends either, you can never have enough bungee cords or Depends, and how come every time I type bungeee I want to add a third eeeeee at the end.
My head is spinning, so I guess I'm done, what do you think?
Tom Waits for no one
Tom Waits for no one.
Tom Waits for no one.
Tom Waits for no one.
Tom Waits for no one.
Tom Waits for no one.
Tom Waits for no one.
Maybe if I typed it a thousand more times it would make sense.
Tom Waits for no one.
Tom Waits for no one.
Tom Waits for no one.
Tom Waits for no one.
Tom Waits for no one.
Maybe if I typed it a thousand more times it would make sense.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Does Jerry Mathers Ever Get The Blues?
Things I don't know the answers to
1. Does Jerry Mathers ever get the blues?
2. If you die in a dream do you die in real life?
3. Why are Australia and Austria are allowed to have almost the same name?
4. Why do fools fall in love?
5. How come they stopped at 26 letters?
6. Why boz?
7. Why didn't any of the women I dreamt about last night trust me?
8. Why boz, why?
9. Why did I accidentally erase this awesome post that I wrote about the highs and lows of friendship last night?
10. If Mao Tse Tung and Ho Chi Minh had a foot race at the annual Dead Asian Communist Leader's barbecue and pot luck dinner, who would win?
1. Does Jerry Mathers ever get the blues?
2. If you die in a dream do you die in real life?
3. Why are Australia and Austria are allowed to have almost the same name?
4. Why do fools fall in love?
5. How come they stopped at 26 letters?
6. Why boz?
7. Why didn't any of the women I dreamt about last night trust me?
8. Why boz, why?
9. Why did I accidentally erase this awesome post that I wrote about the highs and lows of friendship last night?
10. If Mao Tse Tung and Ho Chi Minh had a foot race at the annual Dead Asian Communist Leader's barbecue and pot luck dinner, who would win?
Diet Coke and Sweet Tarts at one in the morning
It's pretty bad when this early on you already know that the title is going to be better than the post, but that's how it works out sometimes.
A friend of mine had a sex dream about me the other night, does that mean I have arrived?
I watched a movie on the Western Channel tonight. I do that every once in awhile when I get nostalgic. It takes me back to the days when we had one tv set and my dad ruled the airwaves, and he loved Westerns, all of them, every damn one of them.
Oh yeah, about the friend and the sex dream, I'm still waiting for her to get back to me on how it went.
Seriously, I blame all this introspective crap I've been writing about the last couple of weeks on my impending, but yet to be confirmed, spinal surgery.
I don't know, something about coming face to face with your own mortality.
Oh yeah, about the sex dream, again. I've never had a sex dream about any one of you, but yeah, I've dreamt about just about all of you at one time or another.
Maybe I should write my next Boz Family piece on my grandmother and the exact moment I quit liking her. If I do, I bet you'll take her side.
Ah, maybe there is something on television.
Later.
A friend of mine had a sex dream about me the other night, does that mean I have arrived?
I watched a movie on the Western Channel tonight. I do that every once in awhile when I get nostalgic. It takes me back to the days when we had one tv set and my dad ruled the airwaves, and he loved Westerns, all of them, every damn one of them.
Oh yeah, about the friend and the sex dream, I'm still waiting for her to get back to me on how it went.
Seriously, I blame all this introspective crap I've been writing about the last couple of weeks on my impending, but yet to be confirmed, spinal surgery.
I don't know, something about coming face to face with your own mortality.
Oh yeah, about the sex dream, again. I've never had a sex dream about any one of you, but yeah, I've dreamt about just about all of you at one time or another.
Maybe I should write my next Boz Family piece on my grandmother and the exact moment I quit liking her. If I do, I bet you'll take her side.
Ah, maybe there is something on television.
Later.
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Happy Birthday
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