FemHyg products

I asked MB if she wanted anything from the store tonight, and she asked me to pick up a box of Kotex ...
KOTEX!!!
MB has never ever ever said that word to me in my life!!!
Ok, I'm not an expert on these things, but she's 85 years old, and I'm pretty sure she, well, I'm pretty sure she stopped needing (HmmHmm)tex about thirty years or so ago.
And yeah, MB's mind is wandering a little bit more now, and yeah, this might have been an example of that, but then she said that she wanted the (HmmHmm)tex as a little added protection when she goes to the doctor's next week.
Then ...
Then ...
Then, I had to ask her if she wanted pads or what???
I wasn't even sure if they still made pads, but hey, I was flying blind here.
Yeah, pads.
That's it.
I will never discuss this again.

The one after one thousand and one

I've got this kind of rhythm going in my head tonight.
Sort of a clackety clackety clack clack clack sort of thing.
It's very invigorating, it's very stimulating, it's very ...
It's very I want to stay up all night and do things sort of thing thing thing.
Because you don't often get this rhythm, this syncopation, this beat, this feeling and it would be a shame to waste it watching tv, or reading, or thinking, or plotting, or scheming, or sleeping, or beating off, or beating off, or beating off, or whatever whatever whatever.
But I will.

$4.99

When I walked into the pizza parlor today a young girl in a baggy shirt and pants and covered in flour waited on me.
She had fly away hair and a cute smile and as she walked back to the kitchen with my order she started bopping along to the country music station that was blaring from the dining room speakers, and I thought to myself I wonder what her friends would think if they only knew.

My eclectic blanket beckons, doo dah

So, there's a documentary about Charles Bukowski that comes on in about an hour on one of the premium cable channels.
I guess I'll watch it.
I mean, I've read some stuff by him, and it's pretty good.
I mean, I'm not a devotee, are there two e's in devotee, or am I hallucinating again?
Like I said, I've read some of his stuff, and oh yeah, I saw him give a reading when I was in college back in about 1974 or 75. The reading I almost skipped because I wanted to go to the student union and play pin ball, and I'm sort of glad I didn't skip it, because now 30 years later I can tell people that I saw Charles Bukowski give a reading, and it doesn't matter that I don't remember too much about it, and didn't he used to work at the post office, and didn't I once put in an application at the post office, but when it came time to take the test I decided to go back to college instead in the off chance that one day I would get to see Charles Bukowski give a reading.
But yeah, Bukowski was ok, but I can name tons of guys that I liked betterererer.
Vonnegut, or however he spells his name today.
Heller ...
Ok, I can't think of a ton of guys, but seriously, there are a ton of them, and did Neal Cassady ever write anything, and if he did should I have read it.
Ok, here's another one ...
The good Doctor Hunter S. Thompson.
And yeah, Kerouac too, and a lot of people don't like Kerouac, at least a lot of people I know, but I just don't why, he's not my favorite, but I like him
Oh yeah ...
Evelyn Waugh, the British guy, yeah, he's a guy, and you know he had to take a lot of shit with a name like that.
Ok ...
Huxley too, but that's an easy one
And Orwell, because you can't say Huxley without mentioning Orwell
And have you ever read In Cold Blood by Capote?
Well, yeah, I know, it's Capote, but you should still read it, go ahead, I can wait.
But you know, I never liked Faulkner, I guess I'm just not into cow fucking.
Ohhhh, Nathaniel West, yeah, Miss Lonelyhearts and Day of the Locust, all you So Cal people have to read Day of the Locust, because the Day ... of ... the ... Locust ... is coming.
Anyway, I guess that's it for now.
Oh, and John Irving, and Thomas Wolfe, and that guy from the Pacific Northwest that wrote One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Next, and I really should know his name, and yeah, he hung out with Neal Cassady back in the Merry Prankster days of the mid 60's, and, ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, the 60's, need I say more.

If you can read this you're too damn close

It's weird.
I get up, I do stuff, the same stuff, I go to bed, I get up, I do stuff, the same stuff and I go to bed.
Is that it?
The same stuff for the rest of my life?
Don't I have anything to look forward to, just get up, do stuff, the same stuff, and then go to bed?
I want my money back, or my life, or my sanity, or my ...
What a gyp.

Homo sapiens and other topics of the day

Ok, I'm going to be watching this movie in a half hour, so you kids better keep the noise down.
Other than that, this has been a pretty boring weekend.
I did make pudding though.
I also bought a half gallon of Death By Chocolate ice cream.
And ...
Ok, it's not actually called death by chocolate
It's actually
Chocolate ice cream
Miniature peanut butter cups
And
Peanut butter swirls.
And ...
I've been eating a lot of bbq chips lately.
It's funny how you get those cravings every once in awhile, isn't it.
And by a lot, I mean two bags in a week, it's not like I'm pulling a Brian Wilson here.

I don't think that Gabbly chat thing is going to stay in the side bar much longer either.
It irritates me ...
IRRITATES ME!!!

In other news, the movie starts in 15 minutes.

I'd better hit the fridge, because it's going to be a long movie.

WTF!!!

My niece doesn't have much computer savvy.
She has my old computer, which is still running Windows 95, at home, and at work she only has access to an email account.
So, anyway, I occasionally email at her work address where I send her pictures and we bad mouth other family members.
Last night I emailed her about a crazy thing that my sister, her aunt, said, and at the end I said:
WTF is up with that?
Today she emailed me back and asked if WTF meant what she thought it meant, and I told her that yeah it probably did, so all day today she was emailing me with
WTF this
and
WTF that
and
WTF this again
and
WTF that again
and
WTF
Ad Infinitum

What do you do when it's too cold to do anything?

It's 6 degrees below zero and it's too cold to do anything.
What should I do?

It's I love the 80's week on The Grand Ennui, sponsored by the US Army, and Massengale Douche

So, I'm going to watch the movie Videodrome in about a half hour.
I'll probably eat some BBQ chips and drink a diet coke too.
I haven't seen Videodrome in over twenty years, and I am afraid I didn't appreciate it for what it was back then. All I was looking for were Deborah Harry's tits, and if I remember right they weren't featured in the movie, and that is why I didn't appreciate it, and isn't James Woods some kind of batshit crazy, and I don't just mean in this movie, I mean in everyday life, and I remember reading once somewhere that he had about the biggest penis in Hollywood, but that's just something I read, maybe I'll Google James Woods Penis and see what I come up with.

Is that your tongue in your mouth or are you just glad to see me

A week or so ago Kat made her first post in a couple of months and I commented with what both of us consider
THE
BEST
COMMENT
EVER
When I said:
It must be hell trying to take dictation when they start talking in tongues.

I'm walking here, I'm walking here.

So, I've felt crappy, and tired, and bored, and depressed, and sleepy, and worried, and relieved, and crappy, and crappy, and crappy, and a little bit constipated.

At eight tonight I had the choice of watching Midnight Cowboy, The Hills Have Eyes II, or Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants, and I watched Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants. I missed the first ten minutes because I was channel surfing for something better, but that was alright because I saw most of the first half hour of TSOTP last night, and yeah, I teared up some when Tibby found out the little blonde girl had leukemia, and really, it wasn't such a bad movie, but it might have been better if they had called it the Midnight Cowboy of the Travelling Pants, and had Joe Buck, and Ratso Rizzo in the place of the soccer girl and the Greek girl, because even though they were the two cutest of the sisterhood they were also the most boring, and I guess that's all I have to say about that, except for the fact that I remembered that the emo girl was named Tibby without looking it up, and that the soccer girl was Britney, and the Greek girl was Lena, and the Puerto Rican girl was Carmen, also without looking it up, and really there's nothing wrong with that, is there?

My two sides fighting against each other

I keep switching back and forth between the football game and the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

If my feet weren't cold it would be a whole different story

I didn't make the bed today, and I didn't shave either, and my feet are cold.
I've had sort of a sort of cold, or cold like symptoms today, but I took some Tylenol Flu and some Nyquil earlier, and I feel a lot better, and I'll probably be taking another dose of both within the next hour, and really that's all I have.
Oh, remind me the next time I decide to go tracking through the snow to take pictures, remind me NOT to do it.

There are lots of things I should be reminded of, but they've slipped my mind.

The bird that mocks me just peeped from the other room, it's about time that I covered her cage, the cage that you should have reminded me to clean today, but I didn't, and I promise to clean it tomorrow, and to vacuum, and to wash two loads of clothes, and to fold three loads of clothes, and to figure out some kind of non-fat meal for MB's dinner tomorrow night, and does soup have fat in it ...



My shadow in the snow taking a picture of one of the frozen parts of the Au Sable river, which is the reason that I have cold like symptoms, and cold like feet too.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH, there, now I feel better

Back from the doctor's.
It might be acid reflux, it might a couple of other things.
Monday morning MB has to get an upper GI, an ultrasound of her stomach and some blood work ... MONDAY FREAKIN' MORNING!!!
She has two more prescriptions.
They are both for stomach, heartburn, indigestion, nausea, etc.
One she takes twice a day.
The other she takes with meals and before bed time.
The one she takes with meals has to cut in half, and it's so small it isn't scored, so I had to go out and buy a pill cutter.

MB's mouth almost wrote a couple of checks that her butt couldn't cash in the waiting room of the doctor's office.
When the somewhat hefty receptionist was walking away after getting MB's signature on some kind of medical form MB asked:
Is she pregnant?
Luckily, the non pregnant, but hefty receptionist didn't hear her, at least I don't think she heard her.
Later on, a man, or maybe it was a woman, came in and sat down, and I was confused whether it was a man or a woman, and I thought to myself I hope MB doesn't make a comment.
When the man, or woman took his, or her coat off it was evident that it was a woman, and yeah MB asked me, right in front of the manly woman:
Is that a man or a woman?
All I could do was place my finger in front of my mouth and go shhhhhhhhhhhh, but I'm pretty sure that the manly woman heard her.

So yeah, I guess this has ended up being an arghhhhhhhhhhhhh kind of day.

Too much monkey business for me to be involved in

I've got to take MB to the doctor's tomorrow afternoon.
She isn't really sick, but she has been throwing up, but not really constant violent spasmodic upchucks, it's more errrrrp, and then some phlegm, and then she feels better again, but there was one where it looked like she threw a bowl of tomato soup on the floor, but that was mostly because it was tomato soup, but like I said it's mostly errrrrp and bam it's over, and like I said, she really isn't sick ... ish, and it hasn't made her lose her appetite, and it hasn't stopped her from doing all those little things she does that aggravate me to no end, but it's still a good idea that she goes to the doctor tomorrow, and she's going to be a real pain in the ass until we're finished there.

In other news, my sister, who is 65 just had cataract surgery performed on both her eyes, and now MB is determined that she is going to have cataract surgery on her eyes, I mean she won't let it rest, ok, she does have cataracts because about five years ago she had the screening down at the eye doctor's, and I don't mean the eye doctor who works at the Vision Center in the local strip mall, I mean the guy who went to doctor school and everything, and majored in eyes, and this is the guy she is going to see again next Tuesday, and I hope for his sake that he agrees that she needs cataract surgery because she may rip him a new one if he doesn't, but damn, she's 85 years old and I don't need this grief!

N stands for more than just narcolepsy

The free Evil Boz 16x20 inch poster I got when I bought my new camera.



Free except for the $5.00 s&h, and the $4.00 frame, and the $???.?? camera.

It sort of looks like
BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU
Doesn't it.

Selling my soul for a year

I got a letter from my cable company as I was walking out the door today.
Right now I am getting channels 2-78 and 3 meg internet access.
The letter offered me a one year deal where I could go up to digital cable featuring all the premium movie channel tiers for eight dollars more a month if I called their 800 number.
Sounded like a deal to me ... all the premium movie channel tiers.

All the HBOs ... yep.
All the Cinemaxes ... yep.
All the Starz ... yep.
All the Starz Encores ... yep.
All the Showtimes ... yep.
And
All the TMCs ... yep.

Yeah, sounded like a real good deal to me.

I decided to call the 800 number when I got home and set up an appointment, but while I was out it came to me that I would be driving right by the cable tv office, and I could just stop in and see if they could give me the same deal as the 800 number, because sometimes the right hand doesn't know what the left handed is doing in the cable industry, if you know what I mean.

I stopped at the cable office and showed them the letter and asked if they could do the deal for me, and she got on her computer and did a lot of typing, and said yeah, she could do it.
So, she brought out the digital cable box and the remote control, and I thought to myself cool I don't have to set up an appointment for a service guy to come out I can do this myself.
She then went into a long blahhhhhhhhh about how to hook everything up, and from experience I know not to pay any attention to the long blahhhhhhhh, because the long blahhhhhhhhhhh is usually all wrong (and it WAS all wrong), and besides I was too busy trying to look down her blouse, and how can I be expected to do two things at once anyway, and then as she was getting the computer print out for me to sign agreeing to all of this she told me that she got me an even better deal than the eight dollars more a month ...
SHE GOT ME A DEAL (AND YOU KNOW I DON'T USE CAPITAL LETTERS UNLESS THEY ARE REALLY CALLED FOR), SHE GOT ME A DEAL FOR SEVEN DOLLARS LESS THAN I AM ALREADY PAYING!!!

Huh???
Yeah, I didn't understand it either. I'll be getting digital cable and all the premium movie tiers, plus everything I am already getting and ...
I'LL BE PAYING (AGAIN WITH THE CAPITALS) SEVEN DOLLARS A MONTH LESS THAN I AM ALREADY PAYING, AND THE RATE IS LOCKED IN FOR A YEAR!!!

So, don't be bothering me tonight at 9:00 PM eastern because I'll be watching the first episode of the rebroadcast of season six of the Sopranos.

Oh, yeah, I get all those crappy music channels too.

Snow pictures

And how come every time I stop to take a picture a line of real old guys who can barely see over the steering wheel of their 1997 Cadillacs pull up behind me and give me dirty looks, like they've got any place they have to be in the next ten years?

Give me fire and I will rule the world

We're supposed to get a shitload of snow, so I went out and bought a shitload of stuff earlier today, and none of the shitload of stuff I bought would help in an emergency, but I just had to get out and act like I was preparing for the nuclear winter.
I ended up buying 2 twelve packs of Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper because it was buy one get one free, and then I bought a twelve pack of Caffeine Free Diet Coke that wasn't buy one get one free, and then I bought two cans of Glade Air Freshener which was buy one get one free with a coupon, and then I bought some kind of Glade carpet fresh crap which was also buy one get one free with a coupon, and I bought some other stuff too, I bought a tiny little bottle of British Sterling cologne, and a couple of packs of Sharpie markers, and they were both 75% off, oh yeah, and I bought two packs of store brand Depends for MB, so I guess I actually did get something that was a necessity.

And now I am listening to Patti Smith.



Patti Smith, Punk Poet of the People in all of her alliterative glory.

And was this post even worth writing?
And I've got some of that room freshener on my hand.
And it smells like like some kind of unbrella drink.
And I can spell alliterative but not umbrella.
Anyone for Yahtzee?
Or tennis?
Or gelatin, there's always room for gelatin.
Or ...
I think I'm going to check and see if it has started snowing.
I can't tell, but it doesn't look like it.
I'm stumped for an ending.

Not another teen movie

Gabcast! This is H.G. Wells signing off

America: sex, murder, madness, and the best damned ice cream in the world

So, I tried to watch football today.



I mean, I used to be a really big sports fan. I'd get nervous and stuff before an important game, and I'd get in on football pools, but blahhhhhhh, even writing this post about how I used to be a really big sports fan is putting me to sleep.

I'd rather write about getting high on Saturday night back in the 70's, or anything back in the 70's, everything was so much clearer back in the 70's, ok, if you were high things weren't that clear, but you know the 70's were a much clearer decade, wait a second, I'm thinking of the 50's, yeah, the 50's were a much clearer decade, I must have been stoned when I said that the 70's were a much clearer decade, and actually I liked the 60's better than I liked either the 50's or the 70's, and it's not just because I was young, because I was young in the 70's too, and really young in the 50's, but the 50's, I mean, everyday in the 50's we'd wake up thinking that the Soviets were one day closer to bombing the ever loving shit out of us, and you know by the 60's we were more worried about Vietnam than we were about the Soviets, and I mean really if you were a teenage guy back in the 60's Vietnam was your number one concern, that and getting laid, ok, getting laid was your number one concern and then Vietnam, but where was I, oh yeah, Vietnam and the teenage male of the American species.
Can you sense that I am slowly psyching myself up into writing a really virulent anti-war post?
That's all I have to say, really.
For now!!!

People have never understood the real me

Ten questions from Melissa.

1. What is your favorite word?
Umbrage.
2. What is your least favorite word?
Snot.

Contemplative

3. What turns you on [creatively, spiritually or emotionally]?
Beautiful, and I don't mean it in a purely physical way, women.
4. What turns you off?
Loud, obnoxious people.
5. What is your favorite curse word?
Jesus Fuck.

Snobbish

6. What sound or noise do you love?
Thunder late at night when I am half asleep.
7. What sound or noise do you hate?
The telephone

Mock Humility

8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Late night disc jockey.
9. What profession would you not like to do?
Anything where you have to sell yourself.
10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
I'm out of here, take over.

I dreamt last night that I was married and had a retarded baby and that's why I don't want to go to bed tonight.

I was eating popcorn and watching Escape From Alcatraz, but I got bored, I usually get bored watching movies, I usually get bored doing anything.



Maybe I should just become a celebrity, or have a sex change, or have a celebrity sex change ...
I didn't mean that part about the sex change, I was just rambling on, and trying to think of something to write, and I don't want to be a celebrity either, because then I might have to be on one of those reality shows on A&E, or Bravo, or ...
And am I the only one who remembers when A&E and Bravo were kind of classy channels?
But, yeah, or VH1, or MTV, or anyway, I don't want to be a celebrity either, but if I were a celebrity, and I did have to have a reality show I think I would like it to be called Boz and the Fetish Models, and the premise would be me and a bunch of fetish models living in a big house, or dungeon, yeah, a dungeon, and each week we would do stuff in the dungeon, or the sauna, or the jacuzzi, or the dungeon, or in the game room, or the dungeon, and I would be in charge of the keys, and the stuff that the keys lock and unlock, because after all, the show would be called BOZ and the Fetish Models.

Flickr tag nipple

Originally uploaded by Scots Snapper.

So yeah, I just finished eating three quarters of a bag of Hershey Kissables, and I just lost all track of time, and I just sort of surfed into flickr, and I used nipple as a search word, and this is what I came up with, and you have to admit that she is kind of hot with her one nipple sort of peeking out like that, and I wonder if she, or someone she knew actually posted this picture on flickr, and yeah, sometimes I wonder about things like that, when I'm not busy worrying about global warming, or cheese, and I wish my nickname was Scots Snapper.

It's an acquired taste yet the big fool says to march on

So ...



I didn't plan to do anything today, but I got a haircut, and I spent about 18 dollars from my gift card on disposable razors, antiperspirant, and 75% off after xmas clearance items, and when I got home from doing that my new camera was here, on the porch, in a box, which was in another box, and there might have been one more box, but I'm not too sure, because I was pretty excited, but still a little bit intimidated by the new camera, because it has all sorts of dials, and buttons, and clicky things, and one of those lenses that goes way out when you turn on, or as us professional photographers like to say, when we boot up the camera, and I'm pretty tired right now, because of the camera knowledge I had to aquire, and I think something is wrong with spellcheck on new blogger, and I'm not sure if aquire is spelled aquire or acquire, and I can't think of another word to use in the place of aquire, but I do know for a fact that u follows q except in Iraq where we continue to follow Bush into an untenable quagmire.
Thank you.

Things that appear out of nowhere in the morning

I woke up with a totally obnoxious hard-on this morning.
I'd post a picture but I don't want to spoil the illusion.

Another day and another day I didn't die

I guess that about says it all.



Another time I was almost killed.

Not to long after I was discharged from the air force I was sitting on my parents front porch, because I was still living with them, and it was summer time, and from out of the blue Wesley from across the street walks up, it was out of the blue because the last I had heard Wesley from across the street was serving a six year hitch in the navy where he was supposed to be doing something with submarines and nuclear shit, and if you knew Wesley from across the street nuclear is something you wouldn't want him to be involved with, anyway, it turns out that Wesley from across the street just couldn't cut it in the navy and they gave him a genereal discharge after about 14 months and 75 acid trips, but hey, I'm not here to judge Wesley from across the street, I mean, I had known Wesley from across the street practically all my life and we had been off and on best friends since we were about ten years old.
So, Wesley from across the street comes over, and after we finished with the ...
Whoa dudes
and
Other pleasantries
We decided that we should go fishing in the morning.

Sorry, I lost my train of thought for a minute. Lou Reed is singing Take a Walk on the Wild Side, and the colored girls are just starting to ...
Do do do do do do do do

So yeah, we went fishing the next day, we took Wesley from across the streets little red convertible Triumph sports car that was missing the hood, and the missing hood was a real pain in the ass because whenever we went to the local topless bar someone would always fuck with the alternator or the distributor and Wesley from across the street would have to get a screwdriver and a pair of pliers out of the glove box and piddle away till he fixed whatever it was that needed fixing.

Yeah, we drove out to one of the not so local inland lakes and rented a row boat and fished, and drank beer, and fished, and drank beer, and we probably lit one or two up, and it was really sunny, and the fish were biting, and we took off our shirts and got sunburned, and there were lots of girls in bikinis, and bikinis were different back then, you saw a lot more hip bone than you do now ...
But that's a story for another time.

So we fished until we ran out of bait and beer and decided to come home.
So we hopped on I-75 with the top down and headed home.
And the beer, and the sun, and getting up way too early in the morning was starting to take effect on me.

Yeah, so, I'm starting to doze, then jerking awake, starting to doze, then jerking awake, starting to doze, then jerking awake ...

Then in a flash of sudden lucidity I realized that we were heading straight for one of those concrete underpasses, overpasses, whateverpasses abutments, then I looked over at Wesley from across the street and he was sound asleep, so I reached over grabbed the wheel and Wesley from across the street let out a
WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK
And slammed on the brakes
And we shimmied
And we shook
And we went up over the shoulder
And we kicked up a lot of gravel
And we stopped
We stopped
We stopped
And we were alive
We were still alive
And we sat there for awhile
Just to make sure we were still alive
Then Wesley from across the street started the car up and we sort of crawled to the next exit, and then took the secondary roads home without further incident.
Amen

The ghost under my bed says to say hello

I had a drink last night.



It was pretty good.
I might have another one tonight.
I might not.
It's 6:23 in the morning.
I need to go back to bed.
I'm going to vacuum behind the couch today, not now, but later today.
I cleaned the birdcage yesterday.
I mopped the kitchen floor too.
Yeah, I finally got around to it.
I went grocery shopping yesterday.
Milk was on sale for 99 cents a half gallon, and bread was two loaves for a dollar.
I also bought some Popsicles and a five quart bucket of vanilla ice cream.
I didn't buy a lot.
I think I spent about ten dollars at both the stores that I went to.
That would be ten dollars at each store for a total of twenty dollars.
I am going to buy a bandanna today.
I also plan on cleaning out my bedroom closet and throwing away all the old clothes that I haven't worn for a long time.
That will give me room to buy new clothes that I won't wear for a long time.
I have three monitors and my last computer in my closet.
My last computer doesn't work, but the monitors all work, but I think one of them is about to go ppppp-ffffffffut.
I have planned to get my old computer repaired since the day it went on the blink.
It's been two and a half years since it went on the blink, and every day I still plan on getting it repaired.
It's a nice computer.
It wouldn't take much to fix it, at least this is what I tell myself.
No parts, just labor.
It's a long story on how it broke but not very interesting.
It's still dark out so I am going back to bed.
The pump don't work
Cause the vandals
Took
The
Handle.

A Slovenian, a Croat, and a diabetic walk into a bar ...

Crap, I feel like pulling an all nighter.
I've been listening to the Kinks, and Joan Baez, and some low down Dirty Blues, and I watched a Slovenian movie, which was actually quite good, and I've ate a lot of 75% off after Xmas chocolate, and I drank one too many Diet Mountain Dew Code Reds, and I shaved, but that was a long time ago, it was today, but it was a long time ago, and I slept till 2:30 in the afternoon, but I've already posted about that, and my fingers are literally flying across the keyboard, and my breath could be a bit fresher, and I've been watching Bettie Page videos on You Tube, and my head feels numb, and I feel hip, and cool, and urbane, no wait, I feel the opposite of urbane ...
I am Boz the Anti-Urbane!!!
And I've got a little itch behind my right ear, and a slight chill in my arms, and a needle in my haystack, and more hair on my chest than I have on my legs, and remember how I mentioned Joan Baez at the start of this post, well, I hate to admit it, but she is one damn fine looking woman, and I don't mean 40 years ago when she was young, I mean now when she is not so young, and yeah, she was a damn fine looking woman 40 years ago too, and really, today is the first time I ever noticed it, and if she were to come up to me right now and ask me for a ride to into town, I'd do it, well, I'd probably want to brush my teeth first, but I'd do it, and I wouldn't even mention Bob Dylan's name once, and now I'm starting to get weak, and it must be a bitch to be diabetic, and have you ever heard the story, which I am sure is an urban legend, about the little girl who was diabetic and went into a diabetic comma, or coma, after she found her non-diabetic siblings Easter candy and ... well, yeah, there's always an and, but yeah, I think my mother repeated that story every year around Easter time, as she shook her head and clucked her tongue about the irony of it all.
Bam!!!
I just hit the wall.
Goodnight.

Does the carpet match the curtains?

I don't know, but I think part of the appeal of Bettie Page is that a lot of her photographs look like they could have been taken in our living room back in the fifties.

No football, now, or ever, unless it is topless Playboy Bunny two had touch, but really, not even then, because Playboy Bunnies are PLASTIC

Weird day, weird fucking day.
I slept till 2:30 this afternoon, not because I was bored, and not because I was depressed, but just because every time I woke up I rolled over and fell back to sleep.
When I finally rolled over and didn't fall back to sleep I convinced myself that I should get up and mop the kitchen floor, but when I got up out of bed I guess I had been sleeping so long that my back was hurting. I mean it was really hurting, like in I couldn't stand up straight hurting. So I took a couple of Tylenol, and washed up and got dressed and decided to go out instead, and honestly, I really wanted to mop the floor, but there was no way, I mean it, no way that I could do it with my back hurting like it was.
So, like I said I went out, and just drove for awhile, and then stopped and got a coke, and then came home, and I don't know what happened, maybe the Tylenol took effect, or maybe being forced to sit up straight while driving around, or maybe it was just a MIRACLE, but when I got home my back wasn't hurting anymore, but ehhhh, I was out of the mopping the floor mood, and it's strange because I have all this energy right now, which I think is from the Diet Mountain Dew Code Red I just drank, I have all this energy right now, all this energy which if properly harnessed could be used to mop the kitchen floor, but seriously, I could be Mr Clean right now, and there is no way I would, would instead of could like earlier today when I couldn't mop the floor because my back hurt, mop the floor.
So I think I'll just go abuse myself, I mean since I already wear glasses what could it hurt.

Get me out of here, and I mean now!

I am way too impulsive.

Tuesday I was all gung-ho about getting another tattoo, but I couldn't find anything I liked, so I put that on hold.

Thursday I bought a new camera (((poof))) just like that, out of the blue, I saw it, I wanted it, so I got it, so what if it cost too much money, it was on sale and I got it for too much money minus seventy dollars, with a 1 gig memory card, and a 16x20 inch poster size print, and free shipping, for, well, for free, but you could probably tell that the shipping was free when I said it was free shipping, what I meant was the 1 gig memory card and the 16x20 inch print were also free, and seriously, I don't see how people can make any money when they are practically paying me to buy these things, even though it was too much money for me to spend.

Today I woke up and decided I wanted another parakeet, so I got all cleaned up, and shaved, and dressed and stuff and drove up to the pet store, and I'm serious I was going to buy another parakeet, but they only had one, and it was HUGE, I mean it was ten times as big as the parakeet I have now, and this bird was only a few months old, and my bird is about six years old, and no, I wasn't looking at a parrot by mistake, it was a real honest to goodness parakeet that just happened to be so big that it could have been like one of those freaky animal mutations from a 50s b-movie sci-fi thriller, the kind that evolved after all the atomic tests that went on after WWII, and made weird high pitched sounds, and threatened to take over the world, and where James Whitmore is the cop, and Hugh Beaumont is the scientist, and Julie Adams is the scientist's assistant and fiance who wears a bullet bra and a Jantzen bathing suit, and I think I'm lost, but yeah, it was a big fucking parakeet, so I didn't buy it.

Julie Adams in her bullet bra and Jantzen bathing suit.

Bozley's Believe It Or Not

A man in East Taiwan Michigan has a wristwatch with a band that resembles the head of a penis.

Cue cheesy prom music

I'm sitting here with the lights turned off, an empty can of coke on my desk, some kind of rash on my pinkie finger, wishing I could write like Leonard Cohen, and you know sometimes I wonder if Jack Kerouac really did write On The Road on a continuous roll of teletype paper, and it's hard to believe that I haven't had a cigarette in almost twenty years, or that I've never ridden a horse, or a Harley, and I've only ever sung Sixteen Candles to myself and never out loud to anyone, and Dita and Marilyn are getting a divorce, and how come I always want to call Marilyn Charlie instead of Marilyn instead of Charlie instead of Marilyn instead of ad infinitum, ad nauseam, add milk and stir ...




And boobs are really great, aren't they.

Meine Kleine Webcam

Sixteen is just thirteen plus three

Here's the thing.
I didn't get much sleep last night, and I doubt if I'll be getting much sleep this morning, and it's all because of a dream I had the night before last, the kind of dream that you don't necessarily wish was real, but the kind of dream that you at least wish you could have whenever you wanted to, and that's why I couldn't sleep last night, because I knew I wouldn't be able to have that dream no matter how hard I tried, and because we all know that when it comes to dreams the harder you try to repeat it the less likely it is to happen.

The Dream
I was sixteen, and I was living in the house I grew up in, and the girl next door, the girl next door that didn't exist in real life, and I had a clandestine relationship going on. I would sneak over to her house late at night and climb into her upstairs bedroom window, and we would talk in whispers, and lay on her bed, and touch each other under the covers, and I would want to go further, and I think she did too, but something would always come up, maybe it would be her parents making a noise downstairs, or a dog barking outside, there was always something, and she would get all up tight, and she would ask me to leave, and we would promise to meet again the next night, and I would go back out through her window, and sneak back home, and lay in bed all confused.

Then I woke up, and I rolled over and fell back asleep, and I dreamt I was the governor of Illinois and I was at a party with the governor of Indiana and the governor of Ohio.

I think there is a law that everyone named Diana has to be a babe, or a dead princess

I first posted this on the original Grand Ennui back in February of 2003. It's cute in a horny sort of teenage boy way.

The hottest girl in my 10th grade class was Diana Teal, and baby she was hot. I don't know, maybe it was her peaches and cream complexion, or her soft brown hair, or her deep blue eyes, or the one extra button she always kept undone on her starched white blouse, or maybe it was the way the sunlight twinkled across her braces when she smiled. It didn't really matter, like I said she was hot, and she knew it. She was an office aide, and I remember the time she walked into my Biology class and my lab partner, Paul Heideloff, saw her and said "Yowza" in a voice so loud that even Mr. DiStefano, our teacher, with his bad rug and all, had to laugh, but Diana didn't blush, she didn't even break stride, at the most she might have let the florescent lights play across her braces as she gave a little half smile at the realization of the power she held over a bunch fifteen year old walking, talking hard-ons.

Fritz Von Erich slaps the Irving Klaw on Bruiser Brody, and other tales from Texas Big Time Wrestling

Ok, so I went to the tattoo parlor yesterday to look at flash. You know for a pin-up, or something like, or akin, to a pin-up, and Rollo the Tattoo Guy, who isn't really named Rollo, but he should be, well, Rollo wasn't busy, I mean there was no one but Rollo and me in the shop, and damned if Rollo didn't hover over me the whole time I was looking at flash, but I kept looking, and Rollo kept hovering, and Rollo kept offering suggestions, and Rollo kept bringing out books, and magazines, and his hidden secret x-rated flash, and there was nothing, and I mean nothing remotely close to what I wanted, but still Rollo kept hovering, and after about twenty minutes I started getting a swimming, or a swirling headache, you know the kind don't you, it's not really a bad headache, nothing that could incapacitate you, but it's annoying, sort of like Rollo and his hovering, and it makes you dizzy, and makes your nose run, and makes your throat kind of sore, and makes all your joints ache, and ...

Hey, could it be I was coming down with something, like the flu, or a virus infection, and yeah, I think that's what I was coming down with, and now I'm starting to wonder if Rollo and all his hovering might have passed on some sort of INK INFECTION, you know from the ink, the ink they use in tattoos. So now I'm starting to sweat, did I mention before that I was starting to sweat, well, even if I didn't mention it, I was ... starting to sweat, and my vision was getting blurry, and Rollo, that damn Rollo, was still hovering, and I was starting to get stomach cramps, and you KNOW how I hate stomach cramps, and I might have started hallucinating too, but I'm not to sure about that, because with all my other symptoms ... I MEAN WITH ALL MY OTHER SYMPTOMS ... I might have just been imagining that I was hallucinating.

So, to make a long story short, I didn't find anything that I liked, but Rollo told me, Rollo told me while he was hovering, that I could check out the internet to see if I could find anything that I might like, and I could print it out, or save it to disk, or email it to him, but do I really want someone named Rollo who isn't really named Rollo to have my email address???

In conclusion, I am better today, I guess it was only a 24 hour INK INFECTION, and all the Nyquil I took must have combated it pretty good, because I really am better today, I mean lots better, I mean like in almost perfect health except for the ghost of Irving Klaw sitting on my bed shooting me dirty looks, but that's a small price to pay for whatever it is I've been trying to type for the past half hour.

In conclusion, and I really mean in conclusion this time, it looks like the pin-up tattoo has been put on hold, or maybe I won't get a pin-up tattoo after all, maybe I'll just get something else, and I just looked over, and Irving Klaw is nodding his head in approval, so I guess that's it for now, I guess.

Gotta take that one last ride!!!

Ok, tomorrow I am going to go to the tattoo parlor and look at flash.
I really want to get a retro pin-up girl, or a tasteful nude, or maybe just some kind of ethereal looking chick, ethereal, you know all wispy, and shrouded, and spooky in a good way, and ...
Yeah, I'm really not sure what I want to get, and that's why I'm just going to look tomorrow.
Of course, if I find what I want, and Rollo the Tattoo Guy* isn't busy, I might just go ahead and get it done.

*Rollo the Tattoo Guy isn't the tattoo guy's real name, but it should be!

My favorite beach and bikini movie of all time is about to start so I am out of here.

Gabba Gabba Hey

Gabcast! My Wristwatch Obsession

Hello Newman

The funniest, yet in many ways the most pathetic, post I have ever made on Buzznet.