I thought this was funny when I first made it a couple of days ago

Nighters

It's very windy.
How windy?
Raising the ceiling tiles windy is how windy.
Yesterday was the 38th anniversary of the start of my enlistment in the air force.
Yesterday was also the 38th anniversary of the death of Dwight D. Eisenhower, and my grandfather.
Is Timothy Leary dead yet?
I wore an ace bandage on my left thigh all last night, no picture available.
MB thinks I'm a brilliant photographer.
I had half a Reese's McFlurry tonight.
So, this massage therapy thing, is it any good?
I'm going to watch a movie with Mary Louise Parker in 5 minutes.







I'm listening to the Moonie Pottie song!



Dun, dun, dragging the line.

Damn, damn, damn

Was I in here last night, and did I spend twenty dollars?

It sucks being a hypochondriac at four in the morning

It's almost four in the morning, and my eyes are burning, but I can't fall asleep, and I'm sick to my stomach because I ate a lot of junk kind of late at night, and I watched a movie with Samuel L Jackson and Eugene Levy, and how odd a pairing is that, but like I said I have an upset stomach, and my eyes are burning, and I just noticed that both my arms really hurt too, and I've got things to do tomorrow, or I guess I mean today, because it is today, I've got to take the Zune back, and I'm not going to rehash that, and I just felt like throwing up a second ago, but I didn't, and actually my whole body hurts, and I'm starting to sway around and around and around like a faith healer when he's on a roll, and ...
YES!!!
THANK YOU JESUS
And I just felt like throwing up again, but once again I didn't, and seriously my arms are really hurting.
And I got two 8x10 prints made at the Evil Empire, and I have to pick them up tomor... I mean today, and one of the prints is the one of the lake from my last post, and the other one is a picture I took of a deer in the woods a week or so ago, and now my back feels like it is about to give out, and why do I do these things, you know what I mean eating things sort of late at night which I shouldn't eat, and there, I just felt like throwing up again, but didn't.
FUCK!!!
I hurt all over.
It sucks being a hypochondriac at four in the morning.
It sucks being anything at four in the morning.

Shit happens more than you'd care to think

What I did today.
I went to Oscoda.
I bought something, but I can't remember what it was.
I'm sure I bought something.
I'm positive I bought something.
Yes, yes, yes, I bought some baking soda, or powder, the arm and hammer one that you put in your fridge to COMBAT ODORS!!!
I ate lunch, or maybe an early dinner. I debated getting pizza at Howie's or a burger at the BK, I got the burger, it was a lot cheaper.
I came home.
I went back out.
I did some grocery shopping.
I got some bread, and some tomatoes, and some other stuff, yeah, a can of beets, and some bread and butter pickle slices, and I bought some of that orange cleaner stuff in a spray bottle, I've never tried it before, but it was only a buck so what the hell.
I stopped and got a diet coke.
I went to the city park in ET and drank the diet coke.
I took some pictures through the open sun roof, but I don't feel like posting any right now, ok, you talked me into it, hold on while I find one.
Ok, here it is.



It's the gazebo and the jungle gym thing that the kids play on, and of course the water.
Then I came back home and decided to take a walk.
First I dropped my Zune on the floor, it worked fine, but now it doesn't, so I'll take it back to the store tomorrow, if I can remember which one I finally bought it from, but I'm not worried, and I don't have any qualms about taking it back after I dropped it, it's not my fault that I dropped it, it's BELLE'S fault, everything is her fault, everything bad that has ever happened in the history of the world is BELLE'S fault, and did you know that in Latin Belle translates to Kielbasa, and we all know that Kielbasa is the DEVIL'S FOOD, so I guess I made my case, or something.
Anyway I took my walk, and I took this picture right across the street from my house.



And then I got back from my walk, and I think I surfed the internet, and uploaded a lot of pictures to my computer, and oh yeah, I did a lot of stuff this morning before I went to Oscoda, but it wasn't nearly as interesting as the rest of the stuff I did today.
Now I am completely lost, and I'm going to bed.

I'll have a laudenum, and make that to go

Ok, there is a Molly Parker movie coming on in about a half an hour, and I try to catch everything that Molly Parker is in, and no she isn't attractive, at least not in the conventional sense, and probably not in the metaphysical sense either, but every time I see her on screen my heart just melts a little bit, but that could be from the almonds which I'm sure I am allergic to, and now I'm starting to sweat, and I don't if it's the almonds or if it's Molly Parker, or it could just be the thorn in my foot that really isn't there except in the metaphysical sense, and there's the word again, and I almost typed orgasm instead of again, or maybe I almost had an orgasm ... AGAIN!!!

It's a strange world that we live in Master Jack

For Better or Worse the first 25 songs that came up when I hit shuffle on my $219.99 Zune, which I originally paid $249.99 for, but that's another story, and it's actually not really that scary even for me.
1. Excitable Boy - Warren Zevon
2. Devil In Disguise - Elvis Presley
3. Rockabilly Funeral - Commander Cody
4. Pow (The Theme From What's Up Tiger Lily) - The Lovin' Spoonful (That's the only Woody Allen movie I can still watch.)
5. Dairy Queen - Norman Greenbaum
6. How Can We Hang On To A Dream - Tim Hardin (Dead, dead, dead)
7. A Truer Love You'll Neve Know - Bobby Bare & Skeeter Davis (How'd that get on there?)
8. Master Jack - Four Jacks And A Jill (Master.... and Jack... get it, get it, get it!)
9. Anticipation - Carly Simon
10. Poor Side Of Town - Johnny Rivers
11. Time Has Come Today - The Chambers Brothers
12. Where The Action Is - Freddie (Boom Boom) Cannon (Cannon, boom boom, get it!)
13. C'mon And Swim - Bobby Freeman
14. Show Me - Joe Tex
15. Mercy Mercy Mercy - The Buckinghams (When I was stationed on Crete in the Air Force I had a friend from Chicago who claimed he was the original bass player for the Buckinghams but he quit before they got a recording contract.)
16. Ramblin' Man - The Allman Brothers Band (Were you as surprised as I was when Greg Allman married Cher?)
17. People Who Died - Boink (Not to be confused with Mr Zoink)
18. Manic Monday - The Bangles (Which one of them posed for Playboy after their 15 minutes were up, or maybe that was that other all girl group.)
19. Society's Child - Janis Ian (I almost typed Society's Chode)
20. Maria - Blondie (Did you see Blondie on the Midnight Special when Debbie Harry wore a Baggie as a dress, or did I dream that?)
21. Rebel Rouser - Duane Eddy
22. Young Girl Blues - Donovan (The masturbation song)
23. Ro Ro Rosey - Van Morrison (One of my favorite really bad songs of all time)
24. Season Of The Witch - Julie Driscol And The Brian Auger Trinity (Yawn)
25. You Send Me - Sam Cooke
And one more ...
Homburg - Procul Harum (I actually knew all the words to this when I was 18 years old and used to sing it just to be pretentious.)

Attempted short story, more or less, but probably less. Part 7

I guess we were about forty five minutes out of Rapid City on the way back to the farm when Uncle Ned pulled into a little grocery store right off the side of the road. Aunt Junie asked if this was the place, and Uncle Ned said that it was. Aunt Junie then asked Uncle Ned if it was her turn, and Uncle Ned said yes, and he told her not to forget her purse this time. Aunt Junie smiled a little and reached under the seat for her purse then looked at me and said that she had to pick up a few things for tonight's dinner and that she would only be a minute or two, and with that she got out of the truck and went into the grocery store. After a bit Uncle Ned, who had been silent for most of the drive, asked me if I liked baseball. I told him that I did, and that I was a Detroit Tigers fan. Uncle Ned started to say something else when I turned and saw Aunt Junie hurry out of the grocery store. When Uncle Ned saw this he started up the truck, and told me to ...
Scoot over boy, and give your Aunt Junie some room.
No sooner had I scooted over than Aunt Junie opened the door, jumped in, and stuffed her purse back under the front seat, and then Uncle Ned took off.
Uncle Ned asked Aunt Junie how everything went, and Aunt Junie said everything went off without a hitch.
Uncle Ned let out a low whistle and drove on.

Googles that brought people here

narrated porn for the blind
roy scheider's parents
jesus saves but howe scores on the rebound
naked nabor blog
female cartoon hospital traction
mumble mumble
crispin glover stuttered
eve plumb fallout
booze entertainment pumpum
and i was like get me some waffle fries bitch video (my personal favorite)
indian's breakfast food
fuck bambi
thongs of the 90's
james woods penis
and of course ... alfalfa's hate poem to darla

Money Talks

I woke up this morning and was immediately pissed off.
Kmart has Zunes on sale this week for $219.99.
Ten days ago I paid $249.99 for my Zune at the Evil Empire.
Thirty bucks ... thirty fucking bucks!!!
I called up the Evil Empire and asked if they did price matching.
The woman who answered the phone said ...
Huh???
I said, do you match competitor's prices.
She said ...
Let me connect you with Customer Service.
Fine.
I asked the woman in Customer Service if they matched prices.
She said that it depends.
I said on what.
She said on what you bought.
I told her that I bought a Zune ten days ago for $249.99 and this week it is on sale at Kmart for $219.99.
She said, sorry, we only price match for seven days.
I said ok, I was just wondering.
But I wasn't wondering, I was festering!!!
Thirty bucks, thirty fucking bucks.
I mean, I couldn't enjoy my Zune knowing that I could have gotten it thirty dollars cheaper.
But fuck, what could I do.
Anyway, it was a nice day out, so I thought I'd go for a ride, and somehow my ride ended up in Oscoda, where the Kmart is located.
So, I went in the Kmart, but I avoided the electronic department because I couldn't bear to see the Zunes for $219.99. I just couldn't. I had to forget about it. I had to forget about the thirty dollars. I just had to!
I went all through the store.
I checked out the HBA.
I checked out the appliances.
I checked out the rugs.
I checked out the men's department, which was pretty cool because all men's clothing that was already on clearance was marked down an additional 50% from the lowest ticketed cost, and I was able to get a pair of Miami Ink boxer shorts for $2.50.
But, but, but ...
Something kept pulling me to the electronics department.
Drawn like iron shavings to a magnet.
Drawn like a moth to a flame.
Drawn like a boz to a Zune.
And there they were...
Zunes, and Zunes, and more Zunes.
There were white Zunes.
There were brown Zunes (yuck).
There were black Zunes.
And ...
They were all $219.99!!!
I couldn't stand it.
I had to get out of the store.
I needed fresh air.
I needed to clear my head.
I needed a Coke, so I stopped at Burger King.
And I sat there.
Thirty dollars ... thirty dollars ... thirty dollars.
I was sweating, flop sweat.
I got my wallet out.
I took the receipt for my Zune out, yeah, I was amazed it was in my wallet too.
The receipt said you could return mp3 players up to 15 days from purchase for refund or exchange.
I got an idea.
Ok, remember it's Sunday, and I don't like to think too much on Sunday, so my idea might not sound to bright to you, but bear with me.
I could go home and delete everything from my Zune and repack it, and take it back to the Evil Empire for a refund and then drive back up to Oscoda, which by the way, is about a 35 mile round trip, and then I could purchase one of the $219.99 Zunes from Kmart.
But, you know, I had all this music on my Zune, and I didn't want to go through all the trouble of having to delete it, then having to wait three hours while the battery of the new Zune charged, and then loading all the music back on.
So, I just sat there, befuddled, confused, dumbstruck, at my wit's end, and THIRSTY.
So I took another sip of Coke and then ...
IT HIT ME!!!
Go back to Kmart, it's right next door to the Burger King, no problem there, right.
Ok, go back to Kmart.
Buy a Zune for $219.99.
Take it home.
Put the $219.99 Zune in the $249.99 Zune box.
Take the $219.99 Zune (in the $249.99 Zune box) back to the Evil Empire and get a $249.99 refund, and ... and ... and ...
I'd have my thirty bucks,
Thirty bucks, thirty bucks, thirty bucks!!!
Without having to delete, repack, and reload.
So, I did, and it worked, and everyone is happy.
I got my thirty bucks.
Kmart got a sale.
And the Evil Empire got a brand new Zune which they could sell for as much money as they wanted, because I didn't care, because ...
I had my thirty fucking bucks!!!
Yes, I am a genius, even on Sunday.

Attempted short story, more or less, but probably less. Part 6

After what seemed like an eternity of hugs, kisses, and questions my up until then silent Uncle Ned bent over to pick up my two suitcases, shot a look at Aunt Junie and said with a smile ...
"Jesus H. Christ Junie, let the boy breathe. We've got a long drive ahead of us, and you know I don't like driving the truck after it gets dark. Let's go!"
Aunt Junie stepped back and laughed, grabbed me by the arm, and without once letting go of me led me over to Uncle Ned's truck.
That was the start of it.

Attempted short story, more or less, but probably less. Part 5

When the train pulled into the station in Rapid City there they were, Uncle Ned tall and thin with a lit cigarette cupped in his hand and Aunt Junie looking like a slightly younger less frazzled version of my mother.

Attempted short story, more or less, but probably less. Part 4

Aunt Junie and Uncle Ned didn't have any children. I heard my grandmother tell my mother one time that if Aunt Junie had any more miscarriages that it could kill Aunt Junie, and then one time when my mother was talking to Aunt Junie on the phone my mother mentioned something about adoption, and then my mother got a shocked look on her face, and after about a minute of just nodding her head my mother hung up the phone, got a cup of coffee and went and sat in silence on the front porch until my father got home from work. My parents sat and talked in hushed tones for about an hour, then my father stood up and said something to the effect that if that's what you want go ahead and arrange it.
When school ended for the year I was sent out to South Dakota to spend my summer with Aunt Junie and Uncle Ned.

Attempted short story, more or less, but probably less. Part 3

Both of Uncle Ned's brothers had served stateside during the war and after they'd seen what the rest of the country had to offer neither of them had much of a stomach for farming, and no one was surprised when they both headed out to California in 1947 with promises of job security and top wages in the aircraft industry.
So when Uncle Ned's father passed away from a massive coronary in 1951 Ned inherited the family farm free and clear.

Attempted short story, more or less, but probably less. Part 2

Uncle Ned had been wounded during the Battle of the Bulge in World War Two when a jeep he had been riding in hit was hit and knocked into a ditch by enemy artillery fire.
Uncle Ned lost an eye for his troubles, and spent the rest of the war moving from army hospital to army hospital first in Europe and then back in the states.
His final destination was an army hospital in Battle Creek, Michigan, where he met Aunt Junie who was working as a volunteer nurse's aide in the eye clinic.
Like many things during World War Two their romance progressed rapidly. They met, they fell in love, and the day that Uncle Ned was discharged from the army, a short two months after his arrival in Battle Creek, they were married, and on a bus back to South Dakota just in time for Uncle Ned to help his father and brothers with the spring planting of 1945.

Attempted short story, more or less, but probably less.

When I was thirteen years old my parents shipped me off by train to South Dakota to spend the summer with my Aunt Junie and Uncle Ned.
Aunt Junie was my mother's younger sister. Junie was short for June Bug, a nickname my grandfather had given to my aunt when she was a few months old back in Tennessee, which was shortened to just plain Junie by the time she started school after they moved to Detroit in the mid 20's.

25 seconds remaining

I'm listening to my Zune.
I've got about 2 and a half gigs of stuff.
I haven't deleted anything since the second day.
I'm on shuffle.
John Prine, Bob Dylan, Lucinda Williams, The Velvet Underground, Neil Young, The Byrds, Kasey Chambers, and the list goes on and on.

I have gone tech crazy since the first of the year.
First my new camera, then the cellphone I think, then the Zune, and then yesterday I bought a new telephone, I couldn't turn it down, it was marked down from $119.99 to $19.99 at Radio Shack, and yeah, the $119.99 is an inflated price, but I checked the phone out online and the cheapest I saw it for was $49.99, and damn is the phone ever cool. It's got call this, and call that, and voice mail, and a full color screen, and beeps and chimes and buzzes, and you can upload pictures from your computer, and sounds too, and it's almost like a cellphone, but it's not, and it's a speakerphone too, a goddamn speakerphone, can you believe it, and no, I'll never use the goddamn speakerphone, but it's nice to know that I've got a goddamn speakerphone if the need ever arises that I have to try to impress someone who is impressed by goddamn speakerphones!

I would father Lucinda William's bastard children without a second thought, amen, and good night.

A razor blade in the snatch is worth two in the bush

Ok, so these two guys walk into a bar, a bar just outside the main gate of some army post somewhere in the southwest. The bar was dark and smokey and the jukebox played TexMex and I forgot what happened next, but I'm sure it had something to do with drinking ice cold beer out of long neck bottles, knife fights in the back alley just off the crapper, and hookers with hearts of gold, but really, do hookers actually have hearts of gold, I mean I'm sure they have hearts, and probably some gold, and demons, yeah, and addictions, and children, and college degrees, and hopes, and dreams, and unlisted telephone numbers, and razor blades in their snatch, but golden hearts, nah, I kind of fucking doubt it, and I could tell you some stories about hookers, and some of them would be true, and depending on the mood I was in the stories would paint me as a sexual stud or a naive and confused young man, and I think I'm going to back and delete the part about the jukebox playing TexMex music, and the stuff about the long neck bottles of ice cold beer, and the knife fights, because yeah, I wouldn't know how to describe a knife fight if it came up and bit me on the ass, but there was this one time when I was in the air force, and I was stationed on the island of Crete when a friend of mine who was very drunk pulled out a switchblade and stuck it against my throat and threatened to kill me, but he was just drunk, and he didn't mean it, and I wasn't too scared, just a little afraid that he might pass out or something and slit my throat while he was falling down, and to be completely honest with you my life has been almost devoid of physical violence of any kind, except for maybe that time back in 1972 when I had just gotten out of the air force and some guy who I didn't even know threw an unopened can of beer at my head that missed and exploded, and I mean exploded, against the wall, but that's about it, and I guess that's the end of another attempted short story at 1:30 in the morning, and did I really refer to the restroom as a crapper???

See, the part about the razor blade in the snatch, well, that has to do with all the stories I used to hear about the hookers in Vietnam having razor blades up their snatch, no wait, the hookers in Vietnam had horizontal snatches, I forget which nationality of hookers had razor blades in their snatches, but trust me, they did.
Horizontal is sideways, right, and why would a hooker have a razor blade up her snatch, I mean, suddenly at two in the morning it's all become very clear to me ...
NO HOOKER OF ANY NATIONALITY, EVER HAD A RAZOR BLADE UP HER SNATCH, AND IF YOU THINK THEY DID, GIVE ME SOME FUCKING PROOF, AND PARDON MY caps lock.

I'm suddenly very tired evidenced by the fact that I am starting to hallucinate about the first time I saw the movie Reefer Madness which I haven't actually ever seen.

I think I might have gone over the edge

I want a muffin, but not a bran muffin.
I want to be the last of the red hot lovers, but not the very last.
I want to be free, but not obvious about it.
I want this headache to go away, but not at the expense of something else.

I really felt like smacking a retarded man the other day, he really deserved it, but if nothing else I have self control so I didn't.

I got the finger up the wazoo at the doctor's today, and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a little bit titillating.

I don't know, I guess that's it for now.

Except for this.

And this.

And this.

If you prick me do I not bleed?

I have to fast tonight after midnight.
I have a blood test in the morning.
I used to hate blood tests, or anything that involved needles.
Then after I started getting blood tests every month because when they were searching for the cause of my anemia, which was hypothyroidism, I started looking forward to the blood tests, ok, not looking forward to them, well, ok, yeah, looking forward to them, and don't ask me why, I just did, I sort of looked forward to all the different tests I had to take back then, the only one that I didn't like was when they took a c-scan, and that was because I had to lift my arms up over my head, which was very painful for me at the time, and also because I had to drink a lot of crappy tasting stuff so they could see my veins and arteries and other things inside my body that they couldn't have seen without me drinking the crappy tasting stuff, and oh yeah, as an extra added touch they told me that the crappy tasting stuff I had to drink would give me a serious case of diarrhea so I'd better hurry home after the test or else ...
But where was I?
Oh yeah, and then I started looking forward to the blood tests, and now that I am only getting them once, or maybe twice, a year, but I think it's only once a year, well, now I am back to not looking forward to them, and ok, yeah, there have been a couple of times that I got a little dizzy after the they drew my blood, and maybe that's why I don't look forward to the blood tests anymore, but you know, if the techs are pretty, and you can never tell if the tech you get is going to be pretty, or a dragon, but yeah, if the tech is pretty, then it's ok with me, and really it doesn't matter what they look like if they mop my brow and whatever other stuff needs mopping, because then everything is copacetic.

Money is the rooster of all anvils.

My nephew just paid me back $1400.00 of the $1600.00 he borrowed from me five and a half years ago to keep him from getting thrown in jail for back child support, and now I ...
WANT TO BUY SOMETHING REALLY BAD!!!
I want a Zune, or an Ipod, no I want a Zune, Ipod's are way too snooty for me.
Oh yes, I'm an Ipod, and you aren't, aren't I grand!.
I mean, I almost bought a Zune last night, but I talked myself out of it and bought a pulsating shower head instead, but the cravings, the longings, and yearnings are back today ...
I WANT A ZUNE!!!
Yeah, the shower head, it's a hand held shower head, is really nice, five settings. Mist, spray, pulsating, massage, and ORGASM, but it's not a Zune!!!

I guess that's it for now, except that MB had her follow-up at the eye clinic today, and everyone is really pleased with the progress she has made. Her eyesight in each eye is now 20/30, which is really more than they expected this soon after surgery.

Dentist Appointment at 10:10 tomorrow morning

Once when I was in the Air Force and stationed on the island of Crete a group of about twelve of us were sent on a temporary assignment to Turkey.
When we arrived in the airport in Istanbul we were assigned a guide, a girl from Yugoslavia, to help us make our way by bus to the base which was an all night drive from Istanbul.
She was very pretty.
She was thin with long blond wavy hair.
She wore blue jeans and a sleeveless blouse, and sandals.
Her toenails were painted red.
She got us hotel rooms for the night.
It was a small inexpensive hotel.
She told us we should say that we stayed at the Sheraton and that when we were reimbursed we could pocket the difference.
She got us two hookers.
I declined on the hookers.
I didn't like the odds.
So, the two of us sat in the lobby and drank warm Turkish beer and talked about music, and movies, and nude beaches until the hookers left.
The next day when we got to the base we all got together and chipped in five dollars a piece to give to her for her troubles.
I also gave her a carton of Marlboro's in the soft pack.
She thanked me.
The rest of the guys ribbed me.
Big deal.

Cheap Thrills and memories of 1969

I've been singing The Chelsea Hotel #2 off key, but with feeling, for most of the night, and I always get choked up a little bit on the part that goes
Giving me head on an unmade bed,
While the limousines wait in the street.

Three days in March, make that 2 days in March and one day in February

MB had her second cataract surgery on Wednesday, she is doing fine except for an occasional vacation from reality, and you know sometimes it feels pretty good to take a vacation from reality, so who am I to bitch about it ... huh!!!

After we got home from her follow-up visit to the doctor yesterday MB said that she thinks most women are jealous of her because she has a handsome son who takes care of her, she still has her figure ... sort of, and she doesn't have a fat husband sitting next to her.
Of course she also said that the doctor was staring at, and testing her, through the mirror in the waiting room, and if any of the other women had half a brain they would have realized this.

I went to the Dollar Store today and bought MB a pair of reading glasses like the Doctor suggested.
When I got home I handed her the first thing I could find for her to read. It was a package of sanitary napkins.