A big whewwwwwwwwwwwwww

I dreamed last night that I was 19 or 20, and I was in the army, and I had been convicted as part of a conspiracy to frag a guy who nobody liked because he was too gung-ho, and the judge felt sorry for me, and I thought he was going to let me off, but he started to give me a five year sentence, but before he could finish what he was saying I started crying, and pleading for mercy, and then I woke up, and let out a big whewwwwwwww, and said to myself that thank god it was only a dream, and then I fell right back to sleep, and the dream picked up where it had left off, and I was trying to explain to the judge why I did what I did, and then I woke up again, and let out another big whewwwwwwwwww, and then I fell back to sleep, and yeah, this went on most of the night.

Is this a conundrum?

I just had an energy drink about a half hour ago, and now I can barely keep my eyes open.



Also, it may have been the worst tasting energy drink I've ever had.

Resolutions

1. Save the world.
2. Never go three days without shaving.
3. Become a more responsible blogger.
4. Eat a lot of peaches.
5. Try to find Jesus on my own.
6. Get a tattoo of a naked lady on my left shoulder blade.
7. Become totally enamored of a singer or group that I have never heard of.
8. See all the Rocky movies in sequence in one sitting.
9. Write a novel about the time me and Neal Cassady bummed our way across country.
10. Rock the Casbah.

The Time of the Ancient Mariner

The nice little faux Asian box I just bought to ...



Keep my watches in!

Rimshot ...

There will be five days of mourning for Gerald Ford.

That's almost as long as his presidency ... rimshot!!!

But seriously, it's pretty bad when the best thing you can say about a former president is that he had integrity, and what's even worse is that he's one of the few former presidents that actually had it.

Assault on the battery

Instead of buying a new watch, ok, I did buy a new watch, but the battery was dead, and like yeah, I'm going to exchange a watch that I got from a store that sells watches that are so old that their battery's are dead, the hell I am, just give me a refund if you don't mind, thank you very much, so, I was going to buy a new watch after I exchanged the other new watch, then I remembered all the old watches, old watches that I really liked, that were, I don't know, hidden away in various junk drawers, in various parts of the house, and after a brief search, and then a longer search I found these two watches that with new batteries will be as good as new, or at least as good as new as the new watch I took back that had a dead battery, and around and around and around ...





So, for about seven bucks I get two new old watches that I really like, and if I like them so much how come I didn't just get new batteries when their old batteries went dead, and that's not a question I expect you to answer, or understand, I'm just floating it out there.

I've got it!!!
These watches must be cursed.

Is it over yet?

I need a shave.
I need to quit eating so much.
I need to return my watch.
I need to tell you about the two free pizzas I got.
I need a hit cause I'm going down.
I need for my stomach to quit making funny noises, not funny ha-ha, but funny as in unusual, like ...
Gee, his stomach is making unusual noises.
I need spell check more than ever.
I need to stop the sympathetic twitching in conjunction with my ...
Conjunction junction what's my function???
I need something to use in place of italics, you know, like a better grasp of grammer.
I need to download a CD by Buffy Sainte Marie, or Saint Marie, or St. Marie, or Ste. Marie, or Joan Baez.
I need a new tattoo, yeah, on my left shouldre, shoulder.
I need to air the garage out after my niece leaves, because she smokes out there, Marlboro 100s in the box, but if they don't have the box the soft pack will do, and cigarette smoke makes me ill, which is weird, and stop me if you've heard this before, it's weird because I used to smoke two cartoo ... cartons of cigarettes a week, and it never made me ill, but now it does, and it doesn't make any sense to me either, and you used to be able to smoke everywhere, hell, you were EXPECTED to smoke everywhere, but now you can't.
That's all.

Merry Christmas

Your choice

What would you like to see?
1. The scar on my hip from my last surgery.
2. The dried flaking skin on my left pinkie finger.
3. An artistic photograph of my pubic hair.
4. A list of the urls of my favorite porn sites.
5. My collection of refrigerator magnets.
6. The swept up dust bunnies from under my bed.
7. The CDs that I am ashamed to admit that I own.
8. The contents of the storage bin that holds all the stuff that people have sent me that I don't have on display.
9. All my medications, both over the counter and prescribed.
10. My almost hairless underarms.

A comment I heard in Staples today

Teenage girl to her father:
You don't know who Hello Kitty is? She's the cat with the big ass head.

Merry Xmas a day or two early

The Junky's Christmas by William Burroughs

The Junky's Christmas as read by William Burroughs with background music by The Disposable Heroes of Hiphopracy and Hal Wilner

If you give me weed, whites, and wine, and you show me a sign

I had a nice friendly Google Chat with my good friend ChampSuper* today.
That's all I got. I just wanted an excuse to post this pic.



ChampSuper* ... her tongue knows it's way around a bottle of beer.

Is that a monkey on your shoulder, or are you just glad to be me?

I am so tired I am starting to hallucinate.
There's a monkey on my shoulder, one of those little spider monkeys, and his name is Baboo.

Does Baboo want a banana???
Does he wuzzy wuzzy?
Baboo, you are my best friend, well, you and Miss Daisy.
Baboooooooooooo, oh sweet Baboooooooooooooooo.
Coooo coooo Ka-chooooooooooooooo.
C'mon Baboo, let's you and me go try out that new sex toy that came in the mail today.

Click ...

And as always, the part of Baboo was played by the ghost of Frank Sinatra.

What if ??? #5

We got a Christmas card yesterday from our daughter Candice and her life partner Martha. They'll be spending Christmas at some kind of conference/retreat/seminar called Women of the 21st Century somewhere in Colorado. Candice teaches at a community college, and Martha is a performance artist.
Look, I'm fine with Martha being a lesbian, but it was so much easier when I could refer to her girlfriend as her girlfriend instead of as her life partner.

What if ??? #4

Juanita wanted to have sex last night. Just like that she sprung it on me. Right after the Local News at Ten on the Fox affiliate out of Flint/Saginaw/Bay City. Juanita, babe, sweetie, honey, I love you, but I'M NOT A MACHINE! I need time to work up to something like that. You know, a couple of those college girl pictorials from Playboy magazine, or an episode or two of The Red Shoes Diary.
Ok, we made love. I was the Marlboro Man, and Juanita was Emma Peel, and sometimes you have to be other people, but that's ok, because we both knew that we were really Juanita and Boz, and it was good, but since it's five thirty in the morning and I still haven't been to sleep I guess you can tell that it was good, ok, it wasn't the Tigers win in the bottom of the ninth on a two out three ball two strike grand slam home run by Boz good, but it was as good as catching a re-run of the Twilight Zone on the Sci-Fi Channel that you hadn't seen since you were a kid good, and I guess that's pretty much all you can ask for, isn't it?
Juanita baby, you are such a fox.

What if ??? #3

I'm already dreading this visit from Juanita's parents.
Within five minutes of walking in the door Fran will start bragging about Juanita's first boyfriend Tyson, and how Tyson owns his own computer graphics company, and how Tyson has a home in the suburbs, and a home in the country, and a time share in Hawaii, and how Tyson got an invitation to one of the parties for President Bush's second inauguration, and yadda yadda, fucking yadda!!!
Tyson, what kind of name is that anyway?

Sunday morning on the bay

I got up real early yesterday, not on purpose, and I drove over to the bay, on purpose, and took this picture.



Click to enlarge, or make it bigger, it always works for me.

Into The Mystic

Ok, I'm leaving now. I'm going to do some xmas shopping, and some grocery shopping, and some drugstore shopping, and I'll be listening to Astral Weeks and Moondance by Van Morrison in the car, but I don't have any favorite pics of Van Morrison, because that would just be wrong.
I'll be stopping off for a pizza too. It's $4.99 for a large round one topper at Hungry Howie's today, oh, and did I tell you that the roof blew off the Pizza Hut about a month ago?

One way or another

I just had a craving for a cigarette, and it's been like twenty years since I quit smoking, it must be because I'm hungry, and speaking about hungry, I've lost 17 pounds since I started my diet on the last Sunday in October, which was the day that daylight savings time ended, and maybe that had something to do with it, you know, the moon and the stars and the tide all being aligned, or something like that.

I was listening to my Blondie's Greatest Hits, or whatever it is they call that CD, in the car today, and that made me think of my favorite Deborah Harry pic.

My favorite Debbie Harry pic.



And I just found my second favorite Debbie Harry pic while searching for my first Debbie Harry pic.

My second favorite Debbie Harry pic.

What if ??? #2

Juanita's parents, Fran and Griff, are driving up for the holidays. I still don't think Griff has forgiven me for knocking Juanita up before we were married.

Some more of that stuff

What have I done today, or yesterday, because today is now tomorrow.

1. Drank a lot of water.
2. Drank a lot of caffeine free diet coke.
3. Ate chocolate.
4. Ate tuna fish.
5. Ate more chocolate.
6. Bought thermal underwear.
7. Bought a watch for myself for xmas using the gift card that my sister gave me, and I still have almost 70 dollars left on the gift card.
8. Bought some french bread and ground round for the spaghetti I am going to fix for dinner, but it's not really spaghetti, it's macaroni shells, but it's prepared with the same ingredients as spaghetti, except it's shells instead of spaghetti, huh.
9. Took some crappy pictures of the xmas lights downtown.
10. Did the happy dance because my not so fat pants actually fit pretty good.

Crappy picture I took of the xmas lights downtown

Playing first base for the Hiroshima Atoms

Ok, I know, I haven't posted in a few days, but my life has been one social whirlwind lately, you know the Hampton's with Jackie O, Studio 54 with Andy, Nico, Ultra Violet, Viva, and the rest of the gang, lunch at Burger King with Sadahiro Oh ...
And yeah, today is going to be the creme de la creme.
I'm changing in my fat pants for my not so fat pants, and yeah, I know the not so fat's will be a little tight, but seriously, the fat's were getting so loose that I could take them off without unfastening them, and I'm half way tempted to shoot a video of me taking them off that way, but ehhhhhhhhhh.
But yeah, farewell fat pants, I hardly knew ye.

The Finished Product

MB's Xmas Present(s).
A 12x16 frame matted for an 8x10 print.
When did I become such a good son?
You can click the pic for a larger image.







They actually look better than this.

Putting the X back in Xmas since 1972

Now that I can stop worrying about MB's health I can start worrying about what to get her for xmas.
Actually, I can stop worrying about what to get her for xmas too.
Both my niece and Melissa sort of kind of said that some of the pictures I have been posting are kind of good, and Melissa said, at least as I remember it, Melissa said that she'd like to make a few prints for herself from the original shots, and my niece said that I should, you know, get some prints made and have them framed ...
Well, you don't have to hit me with a shovel more than a half a dozen times before I get a clue.
So, while out getting a haircut after coming back from the doctor's office I stopped at a bunch of stores, where I priced frames and mattes, and when I got to the Dollar General my head was pretty much spinning, and that is when I found these!!!



I mean, they were every thing that I wanted.
They're wood.
They're black.
The mattes are included.
The frames are 12x16 matted for 10x12.
And they were only six bucks each!!!

I can get the 8x10 prints made at the Evil Empire for around two bucks each and there you have it, three perfectly legit xmas presents for less than ten dollars each, and yeah, I'll be giving her other stuff too, the other stuff will be money, because that's what she wants, but still it's nice to have a package or two under the tree, if you know what I mean.

Back from the Quack

Ok, we're back from the doctor's appointment.
Everything is cool, everything is fine.
It's more or less what Melissa talked about in comments.
So he prescribed an anti-leakage medication, which is supposed to somewhat alleviate the problem.
To be on the safe side he also prescribed an anti-biotic just in case there is an infection.
He wanted her to give a urine sample, but yeah, the one time she needs to go she can't, so he is treating it like there is a bladder infection, and I see nothing wrong with that.
It's nothing serious, well, it's serious, but it is treatable, at least to a certain extent, and it reminds me of a song by Harry Nilsson, about rather being dead than wetting your bed, and since Harry is dead I guess it was a self fulfilling prophecy, and personally I'd rather wet my bed than be dead, but that's just me.
Time for a shower.
Sing it Harry!

It all Depends

I have to call the doctor's office in the morning and try to get an appointment for MB.
She is having trouble controlling her bladder, more trouble than usual.
I think this is her way of paying me back for being a bed wetter when I was a kid.
Yeah, she's always had week bladder muscles, at least that's what she told me, and she said it happened because one of my sisters was a difficult delivery, and when she started talking about female stuff I kind of tuned her out, but that's the gist of it.
I don't know if there is any medication they can prescribe for her that would help. I do know there is a surgery, but at her age ???
Anyway, other than that she is doing well. We went out for about six hours today, and stopped at a couple of stores, and had a bite to eat, and her mind is sharp, well, sharp enough where you don't have to worry about senility being a problem.
She's a little bit worried.
I'm a little bit worried.
You're a little bit worried.
I guess that's all I can say for now.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, and a couple more hos just to make sure

Maybe I'll put up the tree tonight.



Or maybe I'm just too cool.

Deck the halls with decomposing bodies ...

Boz's Xmas Mix

What if???

Boz Jr. and Simoné just dropped the grand kids, Velvet, LeVitra, and Little Boz, off so they could go do some Christmas shopping. If I can ever pry Juanita away from Oprah and the rest of her shows we're going to take the grand kids to Denny's for lunch and then to the Mall to get their pictures taken with Santa.

Fifty Questions from Malone, 41-51

Gabcast! It's over, it's finally over

You can't get blood out of a turnip but you can make me scream in agony if you try hard enough

I just got back from my EMG about a half hour ago, and it was nothing like I expected ... nothing like I expected ... nothing like I expected ... it was a hundred, make that a hundred and twenty eight times worse.
I think the technician enjoyed her work.
First she went up and down the left side of my body giving me electro shocks with what looked like a miniature cattle prod, and when she got tired of that she started sticking needles into muscles all over my body, and when she got tired of that she went back to giving me electro shocks, and randomly through the three stages whenever she hit a really lively nerve the muscle in my back that I strained when I foolishly picked up the 27 inch tv set would spasm sending me into ... not convulsions, but something like convulsions, you know, when it makes you tense up and scream in agony.
I mean it was like a torture chamber that they have on those adult bdsm sites that you stumble on by accident because you would never knowingly look for a site like that, but yeah, it was like a torture chamber, and I half expected to look up and see the technician in a black leather corset with fishnets and eight inch heels, if that is what they wear on those sites, the sites that you stumble upon by accident and would never actively search for, and I am just guessing that is what they would wear, and yeah, the technician asked if I would feel comfortable calling her Mistress, but I drew the line at that, but still I was tempted, and I guess that's it for now, and it really hurt a lot but once she loosened the posture bar and removed the ball gag I started feeling ok again.

If I didn't hurt how would I know I existed?

I'm pretty stoked right now.
I just weighed myself, and I know you aren't supposed to weigh yourself at night, and that you're supposed to weigh yourself first thing in the morning, but I just weighed myself, and it's night, and I've lost twelve pounds since I've started my diet, which I guess I started a little over a month ago, or a lot less than two months ago, and yeah, twelve pounds is a lot, and that's probably why my pants are slipping off my hips, and hold on a minute, I'm going to go weigh myself again just to make sure.
Yes, I've still lost twelve pounds, and if I lift my toes off the scale I can almost make it thirteen pounds, but that would be cheating, and it'll probably be thirteen pounds in a week or two anyway, so what's the big hurry, it's not like I'm going anywhere, except to the hospital tomorrow for the prick test, which is not the kind of test that it sounds like, but I kind of wish it was, but no, it's where they stick needles into my foot, and leg, and wherever else they feel they should stick needles, and the needles are hooked up to electrodes or something, and then there is some kind of computer print out, and this will tell them why the fuck my extremities on my left side are always numb, and why the extremities on my right side are numb but not always, and by extremities I mean my foot, and my lower leg, and my hand, and my lower arm, and not the other extremity that you thought of when I said it was the prick test, and it's actually called an EMG, which stands for Electro MSomething GSomething, and if you give me a second I'll look at my paperwork and tell you what it stands for, and I just checked and it stands for Electromygraphy, and it's a test used to detect and diagnose disorders of muscles, nerves, and the spinal cord, and it's a sensitive and precise test that can detect pinched nerves or nerve damage due to injury, ruptured disc, or other causes, and yadda yadda yadda, it is supposed to hurt, I mean even the doctors say it is supposed to hurt, but I had an EMG about seven or eight years ago, and it didn't hurt, not even a little bit, and actually, it was quite relaxing, and ok, even a bit stimulating in a sexual non sexual sort of way, and damn my back is killing me right now, from when I picked up that tv set about ten days ago, and you'd think that would have healed by now, but whatever, so I'm going to bed now.

Is that an erection in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?

Oh man ...
Three great pre-code films (made before 1934) on Turner Classic Movies tonight.

1. Waterloo Bridge - A WWI soldier falls in love with a woman in London not knowing that she is a dun dun dun prostitute.
2. Baby Face - Barbara Stanwyck stars as a woman from the wrong side of the tracks who sleeps her way to the top without remorse.
3. Red-Headed Woman - Jean Harlow plays a gold digger who breaks up marriages and sins her way to financial success.

What is so cool about these movies, is that after the code went into effect all these woman would have been made to pay for their digressions, but not so in the pre-code days. I mean, they are all wicked evil woman type whores in every sense of the word, and woo hoo, and did Ijust say woo hoo, I can't wait to watch them, well, I have to wait ten minutes, but that will give me time to go get a drink, and whatever else I have to do.
Immorality in the movies, I love it, and you know, it's not blatant like today, but yeah, it's there baby, you know it's there.

#39, #39, #39

I am at a crucial stage of my diet.
My 40 inch waist pants are falling off my hips, and my 38 inchers are still to tight.



Excuse me miss, I'm having problems with my pants, could you help me out?

Hey, let's go to Howie's!!!

If you ever come to visit me this is where I would take you for dinner.



But only on Monday or Tuesday because Monday's special is a large round one topping pizza for $4.99, and the Tuesday special is a large deep dish one topping pizza for $5.99. If you want additional toppings you'll have to pay for them yourself, but at a $1.39 each it's hardly worth it.

Pictures, pictures, pictures, and three more pictures

Sunset on Tawas Bay

It's a mystery to me

I miss Pamela Sue Martin and all that she stood for.





You can never get enough grainy celebrity black and white nudes.

The snow plows, the snow plows, the snow plows are driving me crazy!!!

Hey, it's snowing.



And now for the video ...
The Shed, The Shovel, And Me

Media mail, Stella, and me

So, I went to the post office today.
I had a package to mail.
It was media mail.
Stella, the clerk didn't trust me.
Chicks named Stella never trusted me.
She said they could open it up anytime they wanted and if there was anything besides books, cassettes, or Cd's in the package they could send it back.
I said fine, if you don't trust me I'll open the package now.
I reached into my pocket and pulled out a knife.
Stella reacted.
She pulled a pair of numchucks out from under the counter and knocked the knife out of my hand.
We struggled.
I inadvertently ripped open her blouse.
She wasn't wearing a bra.
Her breasts were stunning.
Her nipples taunted me.
It felt like a balloon was inflating in my pants.
Our eyes locked.
We pulled ourselves up on top of the counter.
There was sex.
It wasn't sweet loving let's make a baby sex.
It was ten minutes before the apocalypse so we'd better get it right this one last time sex.
We panted.
We moaned.
We rendered each others' flesh bloody.
Stella started screaming out zip codes randomly then came like a runaway freight train.
I exploded like Little Boy over Hiroshima.
It was over that quick.
There was awkward silence.
There was always awkward silence after I sent media mail.
I hitched up my pants, blew a kiss to Stella, gave a sly wink to the guy behind me in line, and walked out, not once looking back.
The end