Ok, I watched the movie Domestic Disturbance tonight, yeah, the one starring John Travolta and Vince Vaughn as gay lovers the two main protagonists, ok maybe Travolta was the protagonist and Vaughn was the antagonist, it isn't important because they were gay lovers the two main characters in the movie, and it was an ok movie, not a great movie, there were a lot of plot holes, but it was an ok movie, and I was going to write a review of it, but I'm sorry because whenever I saw Vince Vaughn with his cheap ass toupee that seemed to grow larger and larger in each succeeding scene I couldn't help but notice how much Vince looked like the title character in David Lynch's Eraserhead, and that just bothered me to distraction, so there will be no review, but there will probably be nightmares, because Eraserhead was just a creepy creepy creepy movie.
I was nostalgic last night for a made for tv movie that I saw in 1975 that had been made in 1972 that starred Pamela Sue Martin, you know, that girl from Nancy Drew, and Lloyd Bridges, and some geeky kid who was really the star of the movie but I never knew the name of because I think this was the only movie he ever made. Anyway, they were rich people that lived in apartments in New York City, and the geeky kid and Pamela Sue Martin were friends, not boy friend and girl friend, but just friends, but the geeky kid would have loved to have been Pamela Sue's boy friend, but he was just too geeky to be the boy friend of a hot chick like Pamela Sue, so he sort of put her on a pedestal and worshiped her from afar, even though they were friends ... did I mention that they were 15 years old, so, anyway, Pamela Sue was fucking one of her teachers, and she thought she might have gotten pregnant, but wasn't sure, so Pamela Sue asked the geeky kid for help in finding out if she was pregnant, and I know what you're thinking, that is, I know what you're thinking if you're even reading this, you're thinking why didn't she bop on down to the local drug store and buy an Early Pregnancy Test, well did you forget this was 1972 and EPTs weren't available over the counter, and I think you needed a prescription, but I'm not sure, but anyway, the geeky kid used to hang around the drug store and was friends with the pharmacist, who, by the way, was played by Tom Bosley, yes, the same Tom Bosley who went on to play Howard Cunningham on Happy Days just a few years after this, so, Tom the pharmacist was really guilt tripped into illegally giving the geeky kid the EPT, but only on the provision that the geeky kid quit hanging around the drug store because, well because Tom Bosley didn't want to be friends with someone who would ask him to break the law, oh yeah, I should also add that Pamela Sue wanted all this done on the QT because she was afraid her father, played by Lloyd Bridges would find out and ground her, hey, it was 1969 and parents still grounded their daughters if they got pregnant, ok, as the geeky kid was walking out of the drug store Lloyd Bridges walked in, and Lloyd really adored the geeky kid, he was sort of like the son Lloyd never had, but as Lloyd was talking to Tom Bosley I think Tom let it slip that the geeky kid wasn't all that admirable because he had just guilt tripped Tom into giving him the EPT, and Lloyd was all YESSSSSSSSSS, because he thought it was about time that the geeky kid was getting a piece of trim, hahahahaha, I said piece of trim, but then when Lloyd got home the geeky kid was just leaving, and when Lloyd was in the kitchen he saw the bag from the drug store and put two and two together and figured that the piece of trim the geeky kid was getting was his daughter Pamela Sue, but remember, we already knew that it one of Pamela Sue's teachers that was getting a piece of his daughter's trim, but of course Lloyd thought it was the geeky kid, so Lloyd started hating him, and remember Tom Bosley had also started hating him, and he finally realized that Pamela Sue was just using him, so he got all depressed, and either started taking drugs, or joined a commune, or murdered Pamela Sue, or came to the conclusion that the reason older guys like Lloyd and Tom liked him was some kind of NAMBLA thing and he became a male hooker down in Times Square, and I'm just reaching for conclusions now because it's been thirty years since I've seen the movie, and it really wasn't that good a movie, and after I'm done with this post I'm going to check IMDB and see if I can find out what the title of the movie was, and I'm still puzzled why this movie made me wax nostalgic, and not that it matters, but I don't think Pamela Sue was pregnant anyway. And the title is ... To Find a Man
Ok, maybe she did get pregnant, and maybe the geeky kid wasn't asking Tom Bosley for an EPT test but for the name of an abortionist, because abortions were still illegal back in 1972, and now I'm really confused about how Lloyd found out about it, and I just realized my whole review is a lie!!!
Ok, I was going to make a post about going to get a haircut today, and how I almost didn't go to get the haircut because I don't like to get a haircut if I need a shave, hey, call me weird, but that's just the way I am, and since I didn't shave last night that meant that I'd have to shave before I went to get the haircut, but see, here's the thing, for a man to properly shave there are 18 distinct head pivots that must be made, 18 different head movements if you will, but since I've now had two spinal fusion surgeries I am only able to perform 12 of the 18 pivoting movements, my head just doesn't pivot like it used to pivot, and no, that doesn't mean I can't shave, it just means I have to psyche myself up before I shave, and by the time I have psyched myself up I am usually, I don't know, bored, I guess, but yeah, I did actually go get the haircut, and yeah, I actually did shave, but the post wasn't going to be about shaving, it was going to be about getting a haircut at a small town barber shop, but much like I have to psyche myself up to shave, I also have to psyche myself up to write a post, and yeah, now I'm bored, so here's a capsulized version of the post I was going to make about getting a haircut in a small town barber shop.
The barber shop doesn't have a name out front, it just says BARBER SHOP. The barber's name is Terry, which is a for suck name for a barber, all barbers should have a name that starts with B, like Butch, or Bob, or Bill, or Boz ... hey, I missed my calling, I should have been a barber! There were all sorts of dead fish and dead animal heads hanging on the wall, and the backroom, and all barber shops should have a back room, and the backroom walls are filled with pictures of hot looking chicks in bikinis and underwear, or should I say bikinis OR underwear. Terry makes up for having a for suck name for a barber by taking drags on a cigarette every thirty seconds while cutting your hair, I mean how un PC, and how cool is that! Terry the for suck named barber told a joke about lesbians, and yeah, I laughed, but only because there is something about being in a real barber shop that makes you laugh at unfunny sexist jokes, and I don't really remember the whole joke, but the punch line was ... there were too many dykes and not enough spikes, and please don't judge me too harshly, I couldn't help it.
I guess that's it, wait, I forgot that whenever a pretty woman walks by in front of the barber shop everybody stops whatever it is they are doing and stares till she is out of view ... Now that's a barber shop!!!
I'd heard stories about Bobbie the Weather Girl, but I never knew if she actually existed.
The stories I had heard were from guys I knew from when I was stationed on Crete who had been stationed in Vietnam before they had transferred to our sunny island paradise. They said there was this chick named Bobbie who used to do the weather forecast on the Armed Forces TV network in Vietnam, and that she used to do the forecast while wearing mini skirts, or in bikinis, and the television crew would do all sorts of wacky stuff while she was doing her report, like pouring water on her if there was rain in the forecast, or writing the temperatures on her if she was wearing a bikini, and everyone had a giant bone on for her, because, well just because, so yeah, these were the stories I heard ... So anyway, I just happened to do a Google for Bobbie the Weather Girl, because, well, because, if you hadn't noticed I've been posting a lot of retro pin-up type pics this weekend, and I mean, if there was a BTWG now would be the time to find out, am I right? So I did the search, and yeah, she really did exist, and I found a few pics, and yeah, she is the ultimate girl next door fantasy chick of the late 60s, and I also found an article about her, and the article said that BTWG was a secretary for some US government agency in Vietnam in the late sixties, and she didn't get paid for doing the weather, and she spent a lot of her free time visiting the troops out in the boonies, and she really was some kind of angel of mercy, or at least a chick who cared, so yeah, there you have it, and damn, if I had been some 19 year old guy stuck in some hootch in Vietnam instead of cooling my heels in the relative luxury of an air conditioned dormitory on the sunny island of Crete, ummm, yeah, I'd be telling stories about Bobbie the Weather Girl, and probably fantasizing about how one day I would sweep Bobbie the Weather Girl off her feet, and we would fall in love, and have nasty/wicked but very satisfying sex, which would eventually lead to marriage, and umm, three or four kids, and we would never fight or argue, and we would watch the Wheel together on the living room couch after the evening news, and she would be watching me over my shoulder as I typed this post.
And I think it was a Saturday night, and I was twelve years old, and my parents and I had just gotten back from the Gratiot Drive-in, but I don't remember what we saw, it might have been Dr. Strangelove, because I remember that we saw that at the drive-in, and it came out about that time, I guess, and god knows why my parents would go see a movie like that, I mean that wasn't their KIND of movie, but hey, maybe they just wanted to see a movie, and since I got in for free even though I was twelve and the cut off age for free kids was under twelve, and maybe that was their way of sticking it to the man, so maybe that's it, maybe they just wanted to see a movie, and stick it to the man. Anyway, my parents and I had just gotten back from the drive-in where we may, or may not have, seen Dr Strangelove, and my sister told us that they had on the news that Marilyn Monroe had just died, and my sister said that she was 36 years old, and I thought to myself that man that was old and then I went to bed and fell right to sleep because it was after one in the morning, and who knows, if maybe I had been a more sensitive kid I might have stayed up and written Candle in the Wind, and then fallen right to sleep, but these are things one never knows.
So, I went to the Dollar Daze and browsed for about half an hour, but didn't buy anything, but I almost bought a set of screwdrivers, and I almost bought some Loony Tunes Tasmanian Devil air fresheners that you hang up in your HOUSE not your car, but I didn't, and I almost bought something else, but I forgot what it was.
Then I went to Burger King, and I did super size the fries, and I ordered a small coke but they gave me a large coke by mistake, and normally I would have pointed it out to them, but my neck was really hurting and I wasn't really paying that much attention, at least that was what I was going to tell them if they called me on it, and I even got a refill on it, which you do yourself at the self serve counter, and the refill is on my desk right now and I am drinking it ... (((SLURP)))
So, I think I'm going to go get a burger in a few minutes, but first I think I'll go to the Dollar Store, which to be correct is actually the Dollar Daze, and I have heartburn, and I think I caught it from MB, because she's been complaining about having it for a week, and yeah, I already bought her some generic Zantac75, and anyway that burger is starting to sound pretty good, do you think I should super size on the fries, and can you tell I've started posting semi-naked pictures again, and yeah, one of them is a little bit more than semi-naked, and I don't know, I've just felt like posting them, not because I am bored or anything, but just because.
Oh, and yesterday was MB's birthday. Dig the cake and ice cream, and maybe that is what gave me heartburn ...
So, yeah, I'm going now because the Dollar Daze closes early on Sunday, and have I told you lately that my neck still hurts, but yeah, it does, and I'm going now, seriously this time I mean it.
Oh, and one more thing. Did you know that Blogger has a new Beta format? I'm soaking in it now!!!
Top ten weird things that friends I have made on the internet have sent me. 1. Salad Tongs 2. A Potato Gun 3. A Pair of Paper Underpants 4. A Moses on the Mount Cereal Bowl 5. A Belly Button Cleaner Wooden Ear Cleaners From Japan 7. A My Little Pony Coloring Book 8. A Barrel of Monkeys 9. A Talking Potty Training Book 10. A Dick and Jane Book 11. A Personalized Talking Xmas Tree Ornament 12. A Pack of Bo Derek Trading Cards 13. An "Ask Me About My Bowel Movements" Button 14. An Ozzie Slang Book 15. A Post Card From Duke's Coffee Shop on the Sunset Strip 16. A Lassie Xmas DVD
Ok, that's more than ten things isn't it, and that's just some of the weird stuff I've gotten. I should make a list of some of the really awesome stuff I've gotten, but it's late, and I'm tired, and awesome stuff isn't nearly as funny as weird stuff, and a lot of the awesome stuff was edible, so I don't remember what it was, except that it was awesome ... and edible, but I've gotten books, and t-shirts, and CDs, and photographs, and Bettie Page items, and prints, and posters, and pictures, and cassette tapes, and Frida Kahlo items, and coffee mugs, and refrigerator magnets, and stuff, and stuff and more stuff, but as yet ... no tupperware.
Taking Nyquil for a real or imagined sinus infection. Downloading Beautiful Agony video clips. Listening to Kasey Chambers new CD. Fitfully sleeping off and on throughout the evening. Eating Pecan Sandies and drinking diet Coke. Eating BBQ chips and drinking diet Coke. Eating Little Debbie Snack Cakes and drinking diet Coke. Wiping Pecan Sandie crumbs off my Sex Pistols 1978 US Tour T-shirt. Changing batteries in the tv remote. Changing batteries in my flashlight. Almost breaking the flashlight with my super human Nyquil induced super human strength. I think that might be it, but it's just past midnight and I've got a couple of hours left before I'll fall asleep so I might be doing other STUFF, I mean, it's almost time to take another shot of Nyquil, I could do that, or I could eat something and drink diet Coke, or I could just fall into a hypnotic trance while staring at the monitor ...
I didn't fall asleep till after 4 am this morning. No, nothing wrong, my mind just wouldn't shut down and I kept thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking about STUFF, and even after I did fall asleep I didn't sleep well, I mean I woke up at 6:45, and I woke up at 10:00, and I woke up at noon, and I woke up at 1:30, and even though I am still tired and discombobulated and STUFF, I think I am up for the day, well, at least till my nap. Anyway, I have to go grocery shopping today because we need STUFF, you know STUFF like diet Coke, and white bread, and wheat bread, because I don't eat white bread, and MB doesn't eat wheat bread, and toilet paper, and maybe some cookies, and waffle fries, we need lots and lots of waffle fries, and some kind of heartburn medication for MB, and she said about the heartburn medication and I quote: Get me some heartburn medication, I mean some good heartburn medication, the kind they advertise on tv during the commercial break between Matlock and Diagnosis Murder on the Hallmark Channel, and I don't care how much it costs!!! So, yeah, I think I should get going. Oh yeah, MB's birthday is this Saturday, she'll be 85, and I don't know what to get her besides money, and maybe some waffle fries, but I'll probably think of something, some little trinket or something, because the money, and maybe the waffle fries will be her main gift.
Ok, I don't have much time because a movie I've wanted to see since I was 16 years old is about to come on Turner Classic Movies. It's called Point Blank and it stars Lee Marvin, and let me tell you, Lee Marvin was one movie bad ass in the late 60s, well, even before the late 60s, he was Liberty Valance in the Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, and he was Chino in the Wild Ones, and he was Maj. John Reisman in The Dirty Dozen, and he was Eliza Doolittle in My Fair Lady, and he was the guy who used to beat me up when I was in junior high school, and he was the pope before the pope before last, and he was the most popular guy in Germany between Adolph Hitler and David Hasselhoff, and he was a bunch of other stuff that I can't remember ... did I mention he was the first winner on American Idol
Let's see, the facts so far: He loved her He drugged her. He raped her. He accidentally killed her. He took her out for dinner and a movie. He is the fifth Beatle. He was the mysterious figure behind the wall on the grassy knoll. He is the illegitimate son of L Ron Hubbard and Cher. He took Moon Unit Zappa to the Junior Prom. And ... He had a chance to buy stock in Microsoft when it was five dollars a share.
Two of my favorite people, Jonnie and Sandra, were in the audience taping this weekend for an episode of Rock Star: Super Nova which will be airing tonight at 9 PM EDT on CBS. Jonnie said that after their favorite to win the competition finished singing Cat's In The Cradle Jonnie yelled out BOZ!!! as loud as he could in hopes that the microphones would pick it up. So even though I've never watched Rock Star: Super Nova I will be watching it tonight, at least until the end of Cat's In The Cradle, to see if television history is indeed made.
Ok, I've thought of something. The first girl I dated after I got out of the air force and started back to college was a gril, or girl, named Cheryl. Cheryl, and all it's various spellings was a very popular girl's name post WWII till at least the mid 50s, ok, it wasn't the most popular girls name, it wasn't as popular as Patricia, or Donna, or Mary, or Diane, or Kathy, but yeah, I think it was definitely top ten in popularity, I mean look, we've got Cheryl Tiegs and Cher and that should be enough to prove it was pretty popular, am I right?
So Cheryl, the first girl I dated once I started back to college ... She was really cute, almost to the point of being too cute, and she had blue eyes, correction, she had big blue eyes, and that's probably what made her be almost too cute, I mean her eyes were big like the eyes of the kids in those paintings of the little kids with the really big eyes painted on black velvet, and I wish I could find a picture of one of those big eyed kids on black velvet to prove that I'm not going crazy, because I'm pretty sure you probably think I am going crazy, at least a little. Ah screw it, because ... well just screw it. So anyway Cheryl had big eyes which was balanced out by the fact that she had no breasts whatsoever, I mean she was flat as a board, as a pancake, as a monkey who has just been run over by a steam roller, as a, well, yeah, she was boobless, but you know what, on her it looked good, you know sexy, a turn-on, groovy, outta site, and a bunch of other slang expressions I haven't used in thirty years, and why is my computer making that funny sound, sort of a dull roar, oh well, it probably isn't anything ... Ok, big blue eyes, flat chested ... and blonde hair, natural blonde hair, well pretty natural, I mean the curtains didn't entirely match the carpet, but close enough, oh and her hair was short, real short, well, not buzz cut short, but short enough that with her lack of boobage she kind of looked like a thirteen year old boy, but only kind of, I mean, I never mistook her for a thirteen year old boy, and no I never wished that she was a thirteen year old boy, well, maybe that one time, but that was just role playing, and it was her idea anyway, but yeah, I guess so, and she had really long legs too, or maybe they just looked really long because she liked to wear hot pants, hahaha, hot pants, but yeah, it was like 1973, so yeah hot pants, and she really did have nice legs, and she wore platform shoes too, but like I said it was 1973 and everyone wore platform shoes, I mean that was the only kind of shoes they sold, and these were pre-disco platform shoes, so it was ok, at least sort of.
I think that's it. Well, we dated for a few months, and we had some fun, and we were supposed to go see George Harrison in concert down at Cobo Hall, but something came up, but I heard the concert sucked anyway, so I guess we didn't miss anything, but we did go to some parties, and maybe that is what broke us up, because I really didn't like parties, ok, ok, ok, I can't dance, that's what caused our break up, I can't fucking dance, big fucking deal, and the reason we didn't go see George Harrison is because she said she was sick, yeah, but if it had been something she wanted to do and I had been sick I bet I would have done it anyway sick or not, and I don't think she was really sick, I think she just didn't like George Harrison, and how can you not like All Things Must Pass, and now I'm really getting pissed, because those tickets weren't cheap, and I ended up giving them away to a guy who I didn't even like, and don't get me started on that, so yeah, we broke up, but how could we not when she treated me like that, I mean, how could we not, but damn she was cute with her flat chest and all.
Ok, it's like 2:45 in the morning and I can't sleep, and my neck hurts really bad, and it's been a month since surgery, and I know, it doesn't seem that long, but it's really been a month, and it still hurts, and what do you think, is that out of the ordinary, I know you're not a doctor, but what do you think, wait, I just asked you that, well, just tell me what you think, and there, I just asked you that again, and I'm getting so confused, and if I don't start concentrating pretty soon I'll probably ask you one more time what you think, see, I knew there was a pretty good chance that I'd ask you again. Ten Pretty Names for Girls, I Mean Women, Because I've Seen the Error of My Sexist Ways 1. Marie. 2. Tootie, ok, you can see where this is going, can't you. 3. Any name that ends in -elle, like Marvelle, Shantelle, Bellelle, etcelle. 4. Angus, no wait, that's a pretty name for a breed of cattle, sorry. 5. Mickey, no, really, I have a cousin named Mickey, and she's a girl, I mean woman, but wait, she might just be a transvestite, and then the name Mickey would make more sense, or maybe I'm just thinking about Mickey Mantle, who isn't my cousin, or a transvestite, but he is dead, and I'm really not sure, he could be a transvestite for all I know. 6. Esther, no wait, I really hate that name ever since a real smart ass girl in my 8th grade social studies class named Esther made fun of me because I mistakenly referred to a peasant as a pheasant, I mean yeah, big fucking joke, but at least my name isn't Esther, bitch! 7. Tylenol Three with Codeine, ok, that would be a great name for a celebrity to name their daughter, Tylenol Three With Codeine Pitt, yeah, that works for me. 8. Eight, how cool would that be if you were an octuplet and by the time your parents got to you they had run out of names and they named you Eight. 9. Ennui, but only if you're French, or bored, or boring, or depressed, and suicidal, suicidal with a gun in your mouth, suicidal with a gun in your mouth worried that the rifle bullets you had to put in the gun because you're too depressed to go the ammo store to get proper bullets will work, and ... the goddamn John Cougar Mellencamp Suicide Prevention Hotline has got you on hold, yeah, and then Ennui would be a killer name. 10. Jane.
So, anyway, I went to city hall yesterday to pay the water bill because we all know how important water is because our body is like 90% water, or in my case 90% diet Coke, and in your case Drambuie, or in a dead person's body ... Tangent alert!!!
So, yeah, anyway, I went to pay the water bill yesterday, and I was wearing my Beatles Let It Be t-shirt, the one that looks like the cover of the Let It Be album which is why it is called the Let It Be t-shirt, I imagine ...
And yeah, all the girls that work at city hall adore me, of course all the girls probably adore everyone, and it's incredibly sexist of me to call them girls because they are all at least in their mid thirties, but hey, it is what it is.
So, I'm going to city hall to pay the water bill and the girl with the really high bleached blonde hair is waiting on me. I mean really this girl, ok woman, because I've seen the error of my sexist ways, is nice and everything, but you can't see past her hair, it's all teased, and ratted, and feathered, and if she were bald she'd be about five foot four, but with the hair she is at least six foot six ...
Again, the girl with the bleached blonde high hair is waiting on me and she asks me what is on my shirt, and I tell her it's a Beatles Let It Be shirt and she says, and I quote ...
Oh, that doesn't look like the kind of shirt you would wear, but then again I don't know you.
And I'm like all internally saying to myself WHAT THE FUCK While I'm externally just saying Yeah, I guess.
Cut to me As I walk out the door smiling and singing The Long and Winding Road OUT LOUD and with feeling And then fade to black
I just finished watching Godfather II. Great movie, great movie. I really liked the move to Nevada, and the old timey part with Robert DiNiro as the young Vito Corleone, but the Miami/Cuba/Hymen Roth part, ehhh, not so much. I mean HYMEN Roth!!! Why not Vagina Roth, or Vulva Roth, or Clitoris Roth??? Geeze oh Pete, is nothing sacred, and how long has it been since I've said Geeze oh Pete anyway??? What's next a war movie called Major Labia ... Army Gynecologist???
I'm undecided on whether I should take a pain pill before I go to bed. I didn't take one last night and I hurt no matter which side I tried to sleep on, so at about 4 am I got up and took a pill and the pain went away enough so I could fall asleep where I dreamt about ... Fish with teeth Giving Vickie Brumley, a very busty red headed girl from my twelth grade Geography class, a piggyback ride Dealing with the shame of being an ex-con Getting lost in Detroit Not graduating from high school Driving a car with no brakes Slot machines Smoking cigarettes Ummmm??? I guess that's it, but ok, I didn't dream any of those dreams last night, but they are all sort of dreams that I've had more than once, twice, ten times, and uhhh, I actually did dream about sleeping in a tent last night, with all of you, and we were all crowded together in the center of the tent, and some of us were in sleeping bags, and some of us were on cots, and it was a really HUGE tent, and it was musty, well not musty, more dampish, or maybe humid, and of course I was the coolest person in the tent, and you all wanted to be my friend ... my best friend forever, and me being me, well, me being me I tried to be everyone's best friend forever, and it was nice and communal, you know, all of us being in the tent together, it was like we bonded, and ... I think someone gave me a rubdown, and Joan Baez came by for a visit and we sang folk songs together, and there were SMORES!!!
While I was stopped at the stoplight in Oscoda this afternoon a group of kids pulled a wagon with a pet carrier on it across the street. One of the kids had a sign that said Free Kittens. Bahhhhhhhhhh, I hate cats. But when the kids got to the other side of the street two kittens stuck their heads out of the carrier, and my heart almost melted. A-L-M-O-S-T melted, but it didn't, but if it did I would have named the one that I took, which I didn't take, I would have named it Bozzie.
The Big Lebowski is on, and the commercial is over, but it's cool, so even though it's on regular tv with commercials and all it is on a Canadian station so it isn't edited, they say shit, fuck, and cunt, and everything.