Monday, October 31, 2005

My window on the world

Why Halloween is great.
The twelve year old boy that lives next door and the twelve year old girl that lives across the street sorta kinda found out that they like each other.
Why Halloween sucks.
They sorta kinda found out that they like each other under the streetlight right outside my bedroom window an HOUR AGO.
Have you ever noticed just how annoying a twelve year old boy's bragadoccio and a twelve year old girl's giggle gets after an HOUR???

Even at twenty they knew, they knew, they knew

Boz isn't the first nickname I've had.
I was called Whitey when I was a kid because my hair was so blonde, and I was called Nat after Nat King Cole.
But the nickname that really stuck was given to me by a guy who sat next to me at work when I was stationed on Crete.
He said I reminded him of Lather from the Jefferson Airplane song of the same name.
Right click and open in new window to hear Lather by the Jefferson Airplane.

Jefferson Airplane

Lather was thirty years old today,
They took away all of his toys.
His mother sent newspaper clippings to him,
About his old friends who'd stopped being boys.
There was Howard E. Green, just turned thirty-three,
His leather chair waits at the bank.
And Seargent Dow Jones, twenty-seven years old,
Commanding his very own tank.
But Lather still finds it a nice thing to do,
To lie about nude in the sand,
Drawing pictures of mountains that look like bumps,
And thrashing the air with his hands.

But wait, oh Lather's productive you know,
He produces the finest of sound,
Putting drumsticks on either side of his nose,
Snorting the best licks in town,
But that's all over...

Lather was thirty years old today,
And Lather came foam from his tongue.
He looked at me eyes wide and plainly said,
Is it true that I'm no longer young?
And the children call him famous,
what the old men call insane,
And sometimes he's so nameless,
That he hardly knows which game to play...
Which words to say...
And I should have told him, "No, you're not old."
And I should have let him go on...smiling...babywide.

Just one of those things

I feel like screaming.
It's nothing serious I just feel like screaming.
Throw in some ringing of hands, a couple of forehead slaps, and maybe a little gnashing of teeth and ...
Yeah, that'll do it.
Thanks for caring.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

I feel for you, no seriously

How I spent my summer vacation first day back on eastern standard time.
1. Sleeping as long as possible, you see, that's the key to avoiding the jet lag associated with the time change, sleep, sleep, sleep.
2. Wearing my pair of mis-matched socks, it's not like I'm leaving the house or anything.
3. Taking the really smelly trash out.
4. Shaking my head at just how bad the Detroit Lions are.
5. Checking my lymph node to see if the swelling has gone down, it has.
6. Talking to my brother-in-law on the phone, no not the one who sounds like Dan Rather, the other one down in Flint, and assuring him that the house is alright. He really worries about the house being alright.
7. Paying bills, well, I'll do that later on tonight, but at least I am thinking about it.
8. Ignoring the voices in my head that say Kill ... Kill ... Kill.
9. Listening to the voices in my head that say Eat ... Eat ... Eat.
10. Reconsidering listening to the voices in my head that say Kill ... Kill ... Kill because my next door neighbor is using his 400 horsepower leaf blower right outside my window.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Of course ...

If my lymph node swells up any more I can go as Rosey Grier and Ray Milland as
The Thing With Two Heads.

My jack-o-lantern

Day one

Trick or Treat

So, first I thought I'd dress up as Buddy Holly.

But then I remembered that Gary Busey played Buddy Holly, so I thought I'd dress up as Gary Busey.

Then I remembered that Gary Busey was just a younger version of Nick Nolte so I thought I'd dress up like Nick Nolte.

And then I remembered ... It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again, and I decided on the obvious ... Jame Gumb aka Buffalo Bill.

Yes, it will, Precious, won't it? It will get the hose!

Friday, October 28, 2005

The lymph node that ate Cincinnati

So, I bit the inside of my mouth big time last night, and it HURT, but eventually it stopped hurting so I forgot about it.
When I got up this morning everything was fine like strawberry wine so I went about my daily routine which usually consists of trying not to go back to bed.
Then at about 1:15 this afternoon I went in to shave and when I was washing my face the whole right side of my face hurt and my throat for my ear down to my chin was swollen.
I asked my new BFF Dan-o what I should do and he told me I should go to the doctor.
So, yeah, like anyway, when the doctor checked me out he said that my lymph node was infected and it was probably because of the bite, so he gave me a prescription for an antibiotic and said if it wasn't better in a week to ten days to give him a call and we'd go from there.
But yeah, it's probably from the bite, or maybe from my sinus, but it is my lymph node, and it is infected, and I've already taken the first dose of my antibiotic, and my adrenaline rush is slowly receding, and I think the antibiotic is making me drowsy, and yeah, I can already notice the swelling going down a little bit, and it was probably a good idea that I went over there today, and while I was there I asked about a flu shot and .............

Dan-o and Boz's Excellent Adventure

So, me and Dan-o, my new BFF, got on ICQ and talked practically all night.
Oh yeah, remind me to change my user name on ICQ to Boz, Dan-o was right, Mr.Stud sounds teh ghey.
Anyway, my new BFF Dan-o started telling me about the Tour De France, which is a big bike race in France, and how it is just like NASCAR except when the bikes crash they don't catch on fire, and I asked him if the Tour De France was as popular as football and then he said, get this, I'm not shitting you, then he said that in France they call soccer football, and they call football bowling, seriously, I was starting to think what a rad country France must be until Dan-o told me that the French think Jerry Lewis is a genius, I mean it's obvious that they've never seen his telethon or the movie about the sad faced clown in the concentration camp that leads all the children to the gas chambers.
Then Dan-o told me that we should check out the Tour De France next year and I thought he meant ride our bikes over to France, but it turns out there is a river or a lake or something between the States and France, so that wouldn't be feasible ... feasible that's Dan-o's word not mine!
I don't know, it might be a lot of fun, and Dan-o told me that the University of France's soccer team ... I mean football team has some really bitchin' hot cheerleaders.

Sans training wheels

So, I had a new visitor today.
His name is Dan and he rides a bike.
What if we become friends.
He can call me Boz.
And I can call him Dan, or Danny, no wait, I'll call him Dan-o.
Hey Dan-o, it's me Boz!
I wonder what kind of bike he rides.
You know, I've got a bike too. It's a Huffy I think, and it has a whole lot of different speeds, but I haven't ridden it for a long time, you know because of the degenerating disks in my back.
The tires are probably flat by now anyway.
I wonder what Dan-o is doing right now?
He's probably working on his bike, or maybe he's mapping out his next bike trip, or maybe he's drinking a protein shake, cause if you're a serious biker, like I know Dan-o is, you need a lot of protein in your diet.
I wish I had more friends like Dan-o, you know, non-judgemental, there when you need him, always ready with twenty if you need one, not like some of you, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean, know what I mean, say no more, say no more ...
So Dan-o, drop by anytime, the doors not locked, I don't have any beer or anything like that, but I do have a bottle of Sprite, one of those big two liter bottles, and isn't that the official drink of the American Federation of Bike Riders?
Just make yourself at home Dan-o.
And the rest of you, well, you can just bite me and my new friend Dan-o.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Thursday means

Idle thoughts while waiting for a phone call.

My stomach keeps making a noise that sounds like a baby frog croaking.

The critters got to the garbage cans last night and ripped the bags open. I hate that. There are just some things that I throw away that I don't even want the garbage men to know about.

On a brighter note the garbage dude did pick up the warped shelves that I put out, which to me is going above and beyond the call of duty.

I've been singing Love In Vain by the Rolling Stones all day.

Still waiting for the call.

No, I'm not ...


La di dah, la di fucking dah

Ten cool female names that start with L
1. Lulu, as in Little Lulu
2. Lana, as in Lana Lang, Superboy's girl friend
3. Lola, as in L - O - L - A, Lola
4. Leni, as in Triumph of the Will
5. Lydia, as in Donald and Lydia
6. Loretta, as in Loretta Haggers, Mary Hartman's best friend and next door neighbor

Loretta Haggers

7. Lysistrata, as in that Greek play that they wouldn't let us see in high school at the Wayne State Reportary Theater because of it's adult theme
8. Lotte, as in Look out for Miss Lotte Lenya
9. Lena, as in my greatly misunderstood grandmother
10. Lupe, as in Little Latin Lupe Lu

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Multiple choices and orgasms

What do former Charlie's Angel Jaclyn Smith and Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton have in common?
1. They both had sex with Bill Clinton ... once.
2. They both had sex with Farrah Fawcett ... twice.
3. They both had sex with each other ... thrice.
4. They both were born on October 26, 1947.
I like hair.

So anyway, I'm watching this really boring baseball game, well, sort of watching this really boring baseball game between games of solitare on yahoo, and just when did baseball become so boring?

I mean, I'd rather watch hockey
Or basketball
Or football paint dry
Or insects mate
Or Jessica Simpson's acne infomercial ... like, oh my gawrsh.

It must have been about 1969 ... I said 69!!!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

The Ides of November

I bought milk yesterday.
The expiration date is in November.
I hate when a month sneaks up on me like that.

Tell me what it was like before they had CDs.

I talked to Amy last night.
She just started working for a temp agency.
Her first gig is a forty five minute to an hour commute one way.
It should last about a month or so.
She has problems changing stations on the radio and avoiding head on collisions.
Her car has a casette player.
She only has one casette.
You can only take so much of the Beastie Boys before you get tired of fighting for your right to par ..... ty.
I, being the gallant knight that I am, offered to make her some casettes.
A regular Sir Bozalot, that's me.
It took me two hours last night to figure out that the casette player on my CD/Casette combo didn't work.
It took me two more hours this morning to figure out that it REALLY didn't work.
I went to Plan B.
You always need a Plan B.
I went to the St Vincent De Paul Thrift store.
Amid the Edie Gorme and the Branson Christmas Specials I-IV I was able to find eight passable casettes.
There is a special this week.
All paper back books and casette tapes are ten cents each.
I bought all eight tapes.
They are:
Johnny Hates Jazz
The Fabulous Thunderbirds
The Escape Club
Julian Lennon
John Mellencamp
Sindead O'Conner
Billy Joel

Hopefully she's an 80's kind of chick ...
Maybe I should have gotten her some leg warmers and a pair of acid washed jeans to complete the set.
Anyway, that's not the whole story, but that's the whole story for now.

Monday, October 24, 2005

I reeked of film noir

It's seven thirty and I just woke up from a dream where I was a supporting character in a Richard Widmark movie. Widmark was a bar owner who wore snap brim fedoras, and suits with padded shoulders and wide lapels.
The bar was just a front, he was into the rackets, all of them.
We were both vets and Widmark took a liking to me.
We were both wise guys, glib, quick with a smile and a comeback.
He thought I had potential, and so did I.
He thought I had what it takes, and so did I.
He thought I should work for him, and so did I.
A smile and a handshake were all it took and the next thing you knew I was running numbers and making pick-ups, a holstered roscoe under my jacket, a cigarette dangling from my lip.
I reeked of film noir.
And of course, then I woke up.

Audrey Hepburn had great bone structure

It's raining and I can't sleep.

And I think I am on a sugar high from the piece of cake I had at three.
And I watched a movie that lasted till four.
And now it's nearly five.
And I'm typing in the dark.
And Sunday turned out to be not such a bad day.
And please don't send me five dollars, but if you do, make it cash.
And I think I've come to terms with that fact that Porky is dead.
And ...
Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear a big round of applause for Manfred Mann and His Earth Band!

Look out for that tree!

Two things that have been pointed out to me.

1. That I post half naked pics when I want attention.
2. That if I asked people to send me money, specifically five dollars each, they would.

A day in the life

While I was calmy reassuring a friend that I didn't think it was possible for her pancreas to explode my phone started ringing.
After the third ring I got up and started to answer it just as Mother Boz gave me a worried call from the kitchen.
I headed towards the kitchen just as my answering machine kicked on.
When I got to the hallway I could hear my brother in law saying something about a hurricane and his house being destroyed.
Mother Boz was leaning against the bar in obvious pain.
For some god only knows reason she had been rearranging the shelves under the bar in the kitchen and her knees had locked up and she couldn't move.
I started to help MB to her bedroom.
She was like a puppet with broken strings.
She had no control over her legs.
I had to drag/carry her to her bed.
I sat her on the edge of her bed but she looked like she might slip off, so I picked her legs up and lifted them onto the bed.
She yelled at me that it hurt.
After making sure that she had just cramped up, and that it was nothing serious I went back to my room and told my friend with the pancreas that wasn't really about to explode what had happened.
She laughed, with me, not at me, at least that is what she said.
I listened to the phone message my brother in law had left.
In his best Dan Rather voice he said they had evacauated their home on the Gulf Coast and were now at their son's house in the Panhandle.
He said he called to let MB know they were alright and not to worry.
I'm pretty sure MB wasn't worried due to the fact she knew nothing about the hurricane.
He then said god willing, yeah he actually said god willing, their home would still be there when they got home.
He invokes the name of god alot, like he's got a hotline to heaven or something.
I Google Hurricane Wilma.
It's a fucking Cat 2 hurricane.
A Cat 2 couldn't blow down the house of straw that the really lazy pig built.
My friend's pancreas exploded.
Enough with the drama.
How was your day.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Give hurt, give everbody hurt

Her smile scares me just a little bit too much.

I had one of those naps tonight where you wake up all discombobulated and you think you're in Disneyland, or in the doctor's office waiting for your allergy shot, or some nightmarish Orwellian future world, or on the road with Charles Kurault AND Jack Kerouac ...
Anyway I feel like death right now and not even four extra strength cherry cough drops helped.
And Porky is still dead, and Oprah is still the queen of talk, and FUCK!!!

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Flick 182

I am losing my mind.

But I still have my health, and a box of Little Debbies that I hid in the back of the freezer.


Porky's dead. Is there really any reason to go on?

He was the last of the gang to go.
The group that I watched growing up on tv in the 50's.
Alfalfa's gone.
Spanky's gone.
Darla's gone.
Buckwheat's gone.
And now Porky's gone.
Gone, all gone.
It guess it's time for the International Silver String Submarine Band to play taps one last time.

Friday, October 21, 2005

More cheese please

I feel like I've fallen off a bicycle, been run over by a truck, dragged into the woods by feral beasts, and forced to watch The Wheel of Fortune non-stop with my eyes pried open like Alex De Large's in A Clockwork Orange, while If I Could Turn Back Time by Cher played on a continuous loop in the background.
Yeah, that's exactly how I feel ...

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Fall Color Tour 2005

Click the pic to see the rest of the album.

Listen to the trees

I'm going out to take pictures of the fall colors.
It is kind of cloudy though.
My old man and I always used to argue about whether cloudy weather or sunny weather made the colors look better. I said cloudy just to piss him off. He said sunny just to piss me off. It worked for both of us.

If I had a band I'd call it the Boz and the Monkey Trial Boys

It's six thirty in the morning and I am listening to Little Bunny Foo Foo by Moldy Peaches.
What do you make of that?

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Seriously ...

Sometimes I even crack my ownself up.
A Dr. Hunter Douglas repost.

Thinking all about you

So what have I done tonight?

I took a shower that was just a shower until the last few seconds when it became a SHOWER, you know, where the spray hits the back of your neck, and the temperature is just right, and your knees start to buckle, so you brace yourself against the wall, and close your eyes, and arch your back, and ...

I fell asleep while watching a Todd Browning movie on TCM, no not Freaks, I think it was Devil Doll with Lionel Barrymore, who would have been Drew's great-uncle, I think. It was about mad scientists, and shrinking people, and mind control, all for the good of mankind and the world, and ... REVENGE!!!

I listened to the Byrds, and the birds, and the Byrds, and the birds, and the Byrds, and the birds, and ...

And I zonked, and I chatted, and I made a date for tomorrow afternoon, and I listened to the Byrds, and the birds, and the Byrds ...

And that brings us to the present, and I'm still listening to the Byrds ...

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Days of future past

Today is my good friend Mannaz's 36th birthday and that made me try to remember what was going on in my life on my 36th birtday.
1. I was teaching.
2. I was a baseball fan.
3. I was clean shaven.
4. I smoked.
5. I weighed less than 200 lbs.
6. I swore I would never get a computer.
7. My favorite televison show was St. Elsewhere.
8. I coudn't get enough New Coke!!!

9. I was the offensive line coach for the Green Bay Packers.
10. I had just broken up with Yoko. It was John did this, John did that. I tell you she was driving me crazy.

You don't have to be Italian to appreciate italics

Have you ever smoked a pipe?
Yes, I've tried it, but I looked silly smoking a pipe.
Have you ever smoked a cigar?
Yes, I've smoked cigars but I looked even sillier smoking a cigar than I did smoking a pipe.
You smoked cigarettes, right?
Yeah, I smoked for about twenty years. I was a heavy smoker. By the time I quit I was smoking two and a half packs a day.
What brand(s) did you smoke?
I started out smoking Winstons, then I changed to Marlboro, then I smoked Kools for awhile, and then Newports, and then back to Marlboro, then back to Kools, and finally back to Marlboros.
Smoking is a phallic thing isn't it?
Yeah, now that I don't smoke anymore I'm convinced it is.
Could you blow smoke rings?
Yeah, the regular kind, and I could also do little tiny smoke rings coming out of each side of my mouth.
Sounds stupid.
Yeah, pretty much so. I also did that French inhaling thing, which I guess is pretty stupid too.
Any other stupid smoking stories?
Not stories, but I used to singe my beard quite a bit when my cigarette would stick to my lip and then hang. That was never fun. Oh, and I once chain smoked a whole pack of cigarettes lighting each cigarette with the butt of the last one, but I guess most of us have done that.
Oh yeah, I do it all the time.
What did you hate most about smoking?
When someone would ask to bum a smoke, then bum a light and then say "I guess all I've got is the habit".
Did you just call me a Prick?

Monday, October 17, 2005

It turns out we give our fathers way too much credit

Some not so smart things my father did during his lifetime

1. He voted for Nixon five times.
2. He bought a pink car.
3. He bought a pink car with HUGE tail fins.

5. He bought swamp land in Florida.
6. He got drunk the night before the hottest day of the year when he had to lay cement for a patio in the backyard.
7. He believed the guy who insinuated that he could get him a stolen brand new 27 inch color television for twenty five dollars. The guy was a drug addict, the television was non existant and my dad was out twenty five dollars when twenty five dollars actually meant something, well, it didn't mean a lot ... LOT, I mean it was only twenty five dollars, but that was a week worth of groceries, a tank of gas, and a carton of Camels.
8. Ok, he didn't vote for Nixon five times, he didn't even vote for Nixon one time, at least he never admitted to it, but he very well could have back in 1972 against McGovern, I mean somebody had to vote for Nixon, he took every fucking state except Massachusetts, and I know I didn't vote for him.
9. He talked my mother, who did all the xmas shopping, into buying me an electric shoe shine thingamijig for xmas the year I graduated from high school.

10. I mentioned the pink car didn't I? Well, he also bought a 1956 Nash Rambler which was salmon colored, yeah, pink, but after a couple of years he had it painted black and white, but still it was a Nash Fucking Rambler!!!

Currently listening to ...

Groovy Baby
The latest Beast of Boz compilation CD

1. Scott Mackenzie
San Francisco

2. The Rolling Stones

3. Love
Alone Again Or

4. The Beatles
Strawberry Fields Forever

5. Buffalo Springfield

6. The Byrds
So You Wanna Be A Rock And Roll Star

7. Cream

8. Donovan
Hurdy Gurdy Man

9. The Hollies
On A Carousel

10. The Jefferson Airplane
How Do You Feel?

11. The Jimi Hendrix Experience
The Wind Cries Mary

12. The Kinks
Dedicated Follower of Fashion

13. The Moody Blues
Ride My See-Saw

14.Procul Harum
A Whiter Shade of Pale

15. The Quicksilver Messenger Service
Fresh Air

16. The Byrds
Renaissance Fair

17. Buffalo Springfield
Rock and Roll Woman

18. The Yardbirds
Shape of Things

19. The Doors
Crystal Ship

20. The Who
I Can See For Miles

21. The Jefferson Airplane

22. The Mamas and the Papas
Twelve Thirty

23. Julie Driscoll and the Brian Auger Trinity
This Wheels on Fire

24. Donovan
Wear Your Love Like Heaven

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Libido me this

When I was getting my haircut on Friday a very pretty woman with red hair walked by the front of the shop. With nothing being said, the barber rotated the chair in such a way that our eyes were able to follow her until she was out of sight.

It was a beautiful moment.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

The Caffeine Collection

Songs that will get you through an all-nighter and a half.

Nick Lowe
Switchboard Susan

Neil Young
Keep On Rockin' In the Free World

High School

John Prine and Iris DeMent
In Spite of Ourselves

Herman's Hermits
Henry the Eighth

Fountains of Wayne
I Want an Alien for Christmas

Buddy Holly
Bo Diddley

Bonzo Dog Band

Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels
Little Latin Lupe Lu

The Fendermen
Muleskinner Blues

Cannibal and the Headhunters
Land of 1000 Dances

Claudine Clark
Party Lights

Jan and Dean
Honolulu Lulu

Bob Dylan
Highway 61 Revisited

Norman Greenbaum
Canned Ham

Gary US Bonds
School Is Out

Johnny Otis
Willie and the Hand Jive

Commander Cody
Rockabilly Funeral

Joe Tex
Skinny Legs and All

Johnny Rivers
Secret Agent Man

Tom Jones
What's New Pussycat

The Trashmen
Surfin' Bird

Enest Tubb
Walking the Floor Over You

Jan and Dean
New Girl in School

Robert Mitchum
Thunder Road

The Godfathers
Birth, School, Work, Death

Friday, October 14, 2005

A quiz

This is a quiz I wrote for the rw ... bs a couple of days ago. It got a pretty good response so I thought I'd post it here.

1. Would you rather be in a serious relationship with a Mime or lose a toe?
2. If you had to be stranded on a deserted island with another blogger who would you choose and why?
3. Which ear do you predominantly use when you talk on the telephone?
4. What is your favorite style of underpants to wear?
5. What is your favorite non religious holiday in a month that doesn't end with the letter r?
6. Fox is coming out with an all reality show channel, what kind of single topic television channel would you like to see?
7. Which character from a movie would you like to be?
8. What is your favorite teen flick?
9. If you could go back in time and alter one event what you do?
10. Have you ever had a paranormal experience, if yes, describe it.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Giving the evil eye

Another shot from my disembodied head series.

Caddy, give me that club I bought in Toronto

So, it's two in the morning and I have a double shot of Canada House sitting in front of me.

It smells a little bit like rubbing alcohol ... that's a good thing isn't it?

It tastes rather smooth, warm going down.

Back when I used to drink more often. Back when I was in the air force. Back when I was stationed in Japan I read somewhere that if you laid an empty whiskey bottle on it's side you could coax an extra shot out of it. It didn't work, but it sounded almost logical enough that it could.

I remember writing a poem once when I was really drunk. The only thing I can remember is part of a line that refered to sleeping with Mimsy Mouse.

I feel like I am part of a drinking experiment from one of those films they used to show in Drivers Education class.
You will notice after just one ounce of alcohol boz's reflexes are already noticeably impaired.

I once went blind at a xmas party from mixing booze with champagne. It was only a temporary affliction.

I don't think this is making me sleepier.

Maybe I'll read that Judy Blume novel after all.

And take up tap dancing.

It feels like a holiday.

I once had to chug a whole bottle of sake as part of an initiation of sorts when I first arrived in Japan. I ended up passed out in the hallway just outside the benjo. I think benjo means toilet, anyway, that's what I was passed out just outside of.

This is nice, just sitting back and talking with ya'll.

It's two twenty two and I just finished my drink.

Anybody want to play some cards?

Fine, I'm going out for a smoke!!!

Don't wait up.

Nobody understands me ...

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

WC Fields was right.

Never buy the cheapest brand ...

When the next to the cheapest brand will do.
The extra twenty cents of quality makes all the difference in the world.

I wish I had removed the Judy Blume book before I took the pic.
It's not for me honest, seriously, honest.
I found it on the library for sale rack.
I mean I just got it in case somebody wanted it.
Hey, do you want it???

Therapy for the masses

For chrissakes I'm up already, geez.

I'm going to buy a bottle today.
I'm not sure what I'm going to get.
Maybe rum, maybe bourbon, maybe some canadian whiskey.

No scotch, no vodka, no gin.

Maybe I should just get a bottle of wine, but I am wine retarded, and that whole cork thing just kicks my ass.

No beer, I never liked the taste.

You know, a drink, one drink late at night, straight up, or maybe with a little water.

Who knows, it might help me relax, it might help me fall asleep, it might help me ...

Yeah, I'm going to buy a bottle today, or maybe I'll just write about buying one, like I just did.

Thanks for listening.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

It's like this

Rules of blogging at seven in the morning.

1. Avoid politics at all costs. Everyone already knows that politicians are evil or stupid or both. Seriously, there are no red states. There are no blue states. There are only purple states.
2. If you are attractive post half naked pictures of yourself. If you are unattractive post half naked pictures of someone who is attractive. If you aren't sure what you are email me a couple of half naked pictures and I'll give you my honest opinion.
3. I think I can only think of two rules, but I'm sure there must be a whole lot more.
4. Oh, I guess if you aren't funny don't try to be, but actually that's total bullshit, I mean it's your blog you can do what you want. Just don't expect for me to read it.
5. Did I mention the rule about posting pictures?
6. If you don't get any comments make your own using fake names. My favorite fake name is I.P. Dailey, but if we're going for honesty it would be I.P. Everytwentyminutesorso.
7. Speaking of honesty, don't fall in love with it.
8. Do as many What Am I quizzes as you want. The anal retentive crowd can't stand them, and nobody likes the anal retentive crowd.
9. Grow a goatee and mustache and color it white.
10. Stop at ten

Monday, October 10, 2005

Fritz Lang you are not my messiah

My old man worked in a factory all his life, and he was always trying to get me a job.
He tried to get me a job when I graduated high school, so I went into the air force.
He tried to get me a job when I got out of the air force, so I went to college.
He tried to get me a job during summer break, so I made sure I had other plans.
Now that he is gone I have dreams that I work in a factory.
This doesn't sound too much like Cat's In The Cradle does it?

Because I don't want to work in a fucking factory!!!

And slept with everyone

Leonard Cohen is great, isn't he.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

I'd buy you a chevrolet

I'm going to go check my lotto tickets from September 16th to see if I won anything.
I'll be right back, or as they say on the internets ...
Holy shit, I won seven dollars, and I never win anything.
Any ideas what I should do with my winnings?
Can you still buy reasonably diesease free sex for seven dollars?

It'll be Tuesday in two more days

Weekend in review

Two teenage girls wearing too much make-up hit me up for a dollar outside the video store yesterday. I scowled and then laughed at them.

I was bored to tears by the 1963 version of Lord of the Flies. I would've offed Piggy in the first ten minutes.

I had three messages on my answering machine. I think that's a new record for me. I don't plan on answering any of them.

I pulled in to get gas but all 14 pumps were taken so I left. I will not wait in line to pay $2.78 a gallon for gas.

I think that's it, at least for now.
Hockey game is back on, later.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Saturday night and the movies

I rented four movies today from the 2 for $1 for 7 days VHS racks.
1. Whatever
2. The Sweet Hereafter
3. Lord of the Flies (1963)
4. Lord of the Flies (1990)

After I take a nap I'll either watch Whatever or Lord of the Flies (1963).

Lord, I am so tired.

I am not an artist, but I've seen one on tv

I am fucked up this morning.
I watched bad zombie movies till all hours.
It wouldn't take much to make me puke.
My tongue feels strangely metallic.
The hunters kill the ducks on the lake outside my window.
The evil clown grins his bloody toothy grin.
The feeling that nothing makes sense makes even less sense than it did before.
And this is why I write.

Friday, October 07, 2005

My what a lovely frock

Do you remember on Leave it to Beaver when Wally and the Beav always came down to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed, fully dressed, and ready to start the day?
I wonder if they brushed their teeth before they came down or waited until after breakfast.
And I wonder if the Beaver really got killed in Vietnam.
And I wonder if Eddie Haskell grew up to be porn star Johnny Wadd.
And I wonder if June ever quit living the lie and moved in with Miss Landers.
And I wonder if Ward ever cracked, changed his name to Lee Harvey Oswald and did the deed in the Texas School Book Depository.
And my god ... what about Wally!!!

What would I do with the ten thousand monkeys?

Help me
I am slowly losing my mind
I write not because I want to
I write not because I need to
I write not even because I have to
I write because I am a fucking idiot
Malone, the evil rat bastard, threw down this challenge.

Will I ever sleep again?

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Look what they've done to my hair Ma!

My first leave June 1969. I was just out of basic and had just turned nineteen, and isn't MB looking motherly!

Home on leave just before xmas in front of my parents first artificial tree, with the Santa Claus of DOOM hanging on the wall. I was so proud of my non-regulation home on leave sideburns, and if you squint you might be able to see my first attempt at a mustache.

Me and one of my nephews. I wonder if I got that new 8 Track I was hinting at!!! Also, check out the new shoes that I bought at an actual shoe store in East Detroit.
The ladies love a man with stylish shoes.

Family portrait. The old man, my sister wearing a skirt that is way too short, me, my other sister just before her audition for the role of the Mother on Little House on the Prairie, and MB sporting a bit of a gothic look.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

And on the 29th day she rested

I'm starting to panic.
It's three thirty in the afternoon and I haven't posted yet.
It would have been so easy back when I first started this thing if I had missed a day or two, but no, I had to be anal and post everyday.
Here we are three years later and I still haven't missed a day.
It's the damn streak.
It's a curse I tell you.
OMG ...

*Not to be confused with that certain femhyg curse that happens every month or so that some of you go on and on and on and on and on about. I mean isn't it more of a blessing than a curse if you consider the alternative?

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

I'm just fishing here

I'm insecure and I'm sensitive.
I crave attention and acknowledgement.
I like my ego stroked along with my beard.
I'm vain to a fault and I'm not above showing off.
I hate to be ignored, hate it, hate it hate it.
I will do anything for a laugh short of farting the national anthem.
I have the attention span of a gnat.
I go overboard.
I guess that's it.
Do you have anything to add?

Drivin' the Double Nickel

I should have been a shoe model.

I did go out today. I went for a ride through the country, with the windows rolled down and a Buddy Holly Compilation CD in the player, and of course I sang along, and along, and along, and along, I mean it's Buddy Freakin' Holly, how can you help but sing along.
But yeah, that's about all I did was drive, and sing, and look at all the pumpkins for sale at the side of the road. Well, I did stop for a Diet Pepsi, and I rolled my eyes when the cashier called me Honey, I mean, why do they always call me Honey, do I look like a Honey, do I talk like a Honey, do I walk like a Honey???
I'm more a Darlin' type, don't you think.
So anyway, that was my day, and when I got home there was a package waiting for me.
It was my brand new Doc Martens from Zappppppppppppppppos.
Talk among yourselves.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Indifference on a small scale

I should go out today.
They are talking about record breaking high temperatures.
That means the low 80's, which I guess means this is Indian Summer.
Sorry, I had to go jiggle the handle thingie on the toilet.
So yeah, it looks like I've got another day or so of shorts weather, and is it really October already?
I really should go out.
Yeah, I really should go out.
Hey, my new shoes that I ordered from Zappos should get here today.
But seriously, I should go out today.
I should break out my Henry Miller t-shirt and hit the road.
No reason for me to hang around here all day.
I finished the laundry yesterday, and I got it all folded too.
I folded it while I was watching this really bad Kurt Russell movie on FX last night.
Yeah, I'm going out in a few minutes.
I shaved last night, and it would be a shame to waste it.
So yeah, I'm going back to bed, I mean I'm going out.
Just let me find a couple mixed CDs and I am out of here.
Later ...

Not tonight, I've got a headache.

Ok, so I broke down and bought one of those hand held personal percussion massagers.
You know, for my leg, and back, and neck, and arms, and it's really pretty powerful, and it really does the job relieving the aches and pains in my leg, and back, and neck, and arms.
So, yeah, it might have another use, and I might have tried it, but then again maybe I didn't, but if I did it, and I'm not saying
that I did ...
Well, you know how it goes.

My personal percussion massager.

I call her Angela, I mean I call IT Angela, I mean if I called it anything I would call it Anglea, or HAL.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Sigh and double sigh

This may be the last time I wear shorts all year.

Feel the burn

What would it cost me to get someone to fold about 10 baskets of laundry.
They're small baskets, and everything has been sorted, and one basket is my underpants, so come on, huh.

Oh, I hate sunday's

Who doesn't hate laundry day.

BRB, have to put a load in the dryer.
Put a load, hahaha.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Saturday night is for nothing

The new pair of Doc Martens I ordered from Zappos last night.

No, I don't get a kickback from Zappos for saying Zappos, I just like saying Zappos.
Zappos ...
Zap ...

I got mail !!!

Scan of a postcard that I received today from Amy.
I love it.

I guess I can share what she wrote.
Something something something about me and frivolity and something something something about feasting my eyes and popping my cork ...
Wait, yeah, cork.